This is for all the oldtimers on the board who remember a year ago I posted that one of my five daughters had announced that she no longer wanted contact with me and I could visit my grandchildren by making arrangements through my son-in-law.

This was over my objection to the continued breastfeeding/nudity of children now aged 4 and 6.

This was very painful for me since I had been helping her several times a week with the children since their birth.

She wanted to argue via email but I decided to follow my own advice and just stay loving. I answered her thirteen demands by saying that I love her, I would always love her and nothing she could say would change that. Our relationship could not be dictated by either one of us, there are always two people to be considered. She never answered.

Gradually, my daughter has been talking to me more and more and has been bringing the children over to see me, even leaving the older one overnight once.

Ironically, the hardest part for me was to stop talking negatively about her to my other daughters. I had to replace my righteous indignation, my opinions and justifications and stop criticizing her parenting, her hippie way of life. I figured if the girls were repeating the negative things I had said about her (which is what started all this), well, they might be equally willing to repeat the positive things.

So I started saying things like, "There are times when a person needs space from family" and "She is taking some time to sort things out" and "she has enough on her plate with her separation," etc.

Although I didn't know it, that's the truth. She had an affair, which she told me about later, after it was over. None of these factors had to do with me, my approach to parenting, my past, etc. She felt ashamed about how the children were talking and behaving (swearing, calling her names).

It was my choice to assume it was her rejecting me personally.

Time is on your side if you are being shunned, as long as you stay loving and work on being positive. This is very hard when you strongly disprove of a family member's paradigm (Mormonism, homeschool, nudity, etc), but I am even more convinced that, in the long run, this is what works.

Stay loving and allow your family to feel what it's like for you to not be in their lives. If they love you, they will miss you. If they love the church more, then at least you know and can move on.


Anagrammy

Thanks for the advice and update, I needed some as I have a similar problem. Only it has nothing to do with TSCC.

Outstanding advice as always, anagrammy. You are great!

"If they love you, they will miss you. If they love the church more, then at least you know and can move on."

This is the crux of the whole situation--knowing which of these two categories the situation fall into. What I like about your post is that the situation can be very deceptive and so, knee-jerk reactions may not serve best.

But, unfortunately many times, the choice does need to be to just move on--but wait until you are sure?

I am very happy for you Anagrammy.

"Stay loving and allow your family to feel what it's like for you to not be in their lives. If they love you, they will miss you. If they love the church more, then at least you know and can move on."

Simple and profound advice. Thank you for this! I really needed to hear this today.

Once we stop the negativity from within, and take a positive approach of unconditional love, things have a way of working out and relationships are mended.

Happy to hear things are going well for you and your daughter and grand children.

Very often, the outward manifestation of behavior is the result of something we don't know a thing about.

There is something very powerful about compassion and empathy when expressed to our loved ones.

Happy to hear this anagrammy, and thanks for the advice. Relationships have been healed in my family in a similar fashion. Hope you get to see your grandkids more and more!

"Time is on your side if you are being shunned, as long as you stay loving and work on being positive. This is very hard when you strongly disprove of a family member's paradigm (Mormonism, homeschool, nudity, etc), but I am even more convinced that, in the long run, this is what works."

This is a sticky wicket. Strongly disapproving of another's paradigm is a form of shunning. Well, it can be.

I've found that I have had to draw a strong boundary because my Mom strongly disapproves of many of my choices, including parenting choices. She absolutely refuses to stop repeatedly expressing her opinion regarding my decisions (ever so subtly). I've directly told her she must stop or I'll limit her involvement. She won't stop. I've limited her involvement. She's okay with the limited involvement. She would rather spend less time around me and my family than stop expressing her unfavorable opinion regarding my actions. She still tells me and the rest of the family how much she loves me and that she's concerned about me. But, she just won't quit disapproving of my choices. I don't know if I'm shunning her or she's shunning me.

It is possible to strongly disagree with a family member's paradigm and still respect their right to live their own life the way they see fit. It's the right every adult has.

Just before my daughter stopped speaking to me, the last time I saw her, I hugged her and said, "You know I don't agree with your parenting methods but I would fight for your right to raise your children any way you see fit."

She took exception to that and did flame me saying that the relationship would be on her terms or no terms at all. I refused to acknowledge the ultimatum and just said I loved her and always would because I expressed my truth with love.

I have my POV and believe I am entitled to the same tolerance I offer.

My eldest son has not spoken to me in years because one of his siblings told him I blamed him for his brother's death. She thought "he should know." Well, you might say I do since he got all of his younger brothers involved in drugs and the brother did die of an alcohol/drug combination; however, whatever consequences result, it is always the responsibility of the one who chooses to use.

I find peace with the loss of this relationship in the fact that people's reaction to what they are told comes from what's inside of them. Two people hear a rumor. One believes it's true (because they need that person to be the black sheep so they can feel better about themselves...or?) Another believes it isn't true (because they need to feel they come from a good family with none of that stuff going on....)

Seriously, much less than you imagine is about you. People's reactions reflect what they want to be true.


Anagrammy

"Just before my daughter stopped speaking to me, the last time I saw her, I hugged her and said, "You know I don't agree with your parenting methods but I would fight for your right to raise your children any way you see fit.""

I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell her "you know I don't agree with your parenting methods but . . . ."

I do think another approach is to step back just before making this comment and thinking the following. I have certain ideas and opinions regarding parenting. Other people have different opinions and ideas. My ideas might not be right or best. In fact, the other person's parenting approach might be better than mine.

Then, you could take another step back and think this: I can do more good by telling my daughter what a good parent she is. Even though I'd like to tweak some of her actions, in the long run they don't matter as much as I think they do. And, when I support her and let her know she is a good parent, she integrates that into her self, and, ultimately, shares that more confident self with her children. Thus, the greater good I can do is to skip the criticism over ultimately trivial differences (I know its hard to think your different opinions may be trivial) and GET BEHIND THIS PERSON.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2013 11:39PM by thingsithink.

"I find peace with the loss of this relationship in the fact that people's reaction to what they are told comes from what's inside of them."

Holy sh#t. He's your son. How about an apology for blaming him for the drug issues? How about taking the blame yourself since you were the mother? How about giving him a pass and telling him that you had a much greater influence on the children's lives than he did and you'd gladly take responsibility for the bad outcomes.

I know its comforting to hang painful results on other people even our children. But when someone has the albatross hung around their neck by a parent - damn, that's rough. Can't the older, wiser person carry that emotional load for a struggling child?

Not an oldtimer on the board but always interested in your posts. I'm happy things are going better with your daughter.

Good to hear the news. What is it about daughters nowadays. My adult daughter isn't speaking to me and hasn't in a long time. Such is life when you don't get your own way or don't like what mom says. I am glad yours came around. I guess I should have followed your advice, I sent an email mine did not like so now I am getting the silent treatment.

I'm so happy that the situation is improving!!! You diffinately made the right decision on how to handle it.

We can only hope things continue to improve.

Good luck.

So glad to hear this. Sounds like you handled it very well and your intuition was right on. Difficult and painful times, but it looks like things are getting better. Sending happy thoughts to you.

SO pleased to hear things are improving for you!! You are doing an AMAZING job of sorting through life's awful realities. My love to you and yours, and especially your little grandchildren who will be richer for having you in their lives!!!

I have 3 grown adult children. I do not say anything about their personal choices unless they ask for my advice.

When they are young they are told "when you grow up you can do it your way" Well they are grown up and I enjoy them as people and try not to stick my ideas into their personal lives. I would not want my parents doing it to me as an adult and I try to live by that with my adult children.

A big round of applause!