A mormon friend of mine shared this blog entry on facebook
http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

It reminded me that part of being a mormon involves a lot of unnecessary guilt and guilt tripping around being "selfish". One of the hallmarks of mormonism is to give of yourself, deny yourself, beat up on yourself, belittle yourself. If there is a problem, YOU are the problem. If YOU weren't so SELFISH you wouldn't have that problem.

After leaving mormonism, I became much more self aware. I realized that I don't have to feel guilty because I need something, because I want something, or because I feel one way or another. I came to realize that MY life really is about ME after all. That I can make decisions based on what's in MY best interest, and that there's nothing wrong with that as long as I take my fellow man into account.

Yeah, I don't ask for help. Even if I need it. Even if even I can see that I need it. I will muddle along half-assedly, or give up completely, before I ask for help.

Part of me thinks this is just because every time I went to my dad to ask for something, he said, "Oh. We're friends now, huh?" The implication being that the only time I talked to him was when I wanted something. The message being that I did not deserve help. My needs do not count as something worthy of asking a parent for help with. I am not important enough to warrant assistance.

But now I'm thinking maybe the church culture is a little bit responsible for this as well. And perhaps the church molded my dad's idea that I should be seen and not heard and he would decide what needs I had and how those need would be met.

We moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was 11, almost 12, in the summer time. Later that year, as Christmas drew near, we did what we had always done since we could hold crayons in our fat little fists. We made Christmas lists. My stepmom was incensed. Outraged at the sheer, unmitigated gall of two kids -- a preteen and a teen -- actually ASKING for what they wanted for Christmas. I was made to feel like Oliver Twist, begging for more gruel. We were told we were selfish little ingrates and we'd be lucky if we got anything at all for Christmas and we were too big to be asking for stuff.

I was 11 for fuck's sake. :: tears up a little ::

I'm working really hard to try to remember, as an adult, that everyone needs help sometimes, and it's okay to ask people for help (and it's okay if they tell you no), and I'm not selfish if I do it. Right? It's not selfish to ask for help?



So I have a broken finger and tennis elbow and I could really use some help with the yardwork. Anyone got an afternoon to spare a couple hours pulling weeds, pruning stuff, whacking my grass? I'll buy many beers and provide lunch.

I'm a lot happier volunteering help than asking for it. I'd be happy to help with your yard work if you'll pay for my airfare :-).

I'm so sorry about the hurt limbs. I have a son who I'd gladly send to do your yard and he'd be happy to. Especially if he gets to play with the leaf blower!!!!

LOL
He could totally play with the leaf blower. Bonus: If he's a pyro, he can burn the deadfall in my fire pit!

Thanks all.

I have appointments with the orthopedic specialists in the next week and should be able to get back to my yard soon. But I should really get up the guts to ask some friends who actually live nearby. Just to prove to myself that I'm worthy of help an people will be willing to offer it.

Actually, one of the hallmarks of Mormonism is a demanding elite who seek to exploit others by telling them that only the wants and needs of "the church" matter.

When do you ever see the Mormon church go the extra mile for its members???

Which Mormon prophet is willing to lay down his life for the flock????
Riiiiight.

Dear Zarahemlatowndrunk:

I love your online moniker.

I like yours too, onlinemoniker. It's very precise;)

We have just begun our exit journey and I still struggle with the guilt everyday. I berate my self for little things all day long because that's how I was conditioned. That's how I was taught you get better, do better. Guilt motivates....
How in the world do you get out of this mindset?

I wish you all the best on your journey. It goes get better as time goes on. I think the best therapy is to do good, enjoyable things with the people you love because that's what YOU WANT to do. At the end, ask yourself "Did I have a good time?" Yes. "Was it worth it to me?" Yes. "Is there any reason to feel guilty for what I did?" No. Repeat many, many times.

This subject became more evident to me daily as I became an ex-mormon. Many times words have been expressed openly around me about how easy it must be NOT to be a mormon who has to fulfill the requirements of being in the lard's chosen true church, openly implying that by becoming an ex-mo you are choosing to be self-centered and a lazy bum. Other times, these same sentiments are expressed in a covert way, such as with sarcasm when nothing is said openly. "Oh, is must be so nice to have so much free time. And what is it that you do DO with your time exactly?"

I swear some TBM I deal with would only be happy with the me as a person is if they could see my time sheet showing that I spent every waking hour doing charity work or brain surgery. No, on second thought, the ONLY thing that would really make them smile genuinely is for me to invite them to my mormon baptism.

Ugggggh and nehhhvar.

1. "Oh, is must be so nice to have so much free time."

The correct response to this is: "Why yes, yes it is" (huge grin)

2. "What is it that you do DO with your time exactly?"

The correct response to this one is: "Anything I want. AnyTIME I want" (Even bigger grin)


As a nevermo I get that same somewhat covert sarcasm from my LDS neighbors.

Except I get "MUST BE NICE!" whenever the gods of jelousy and envy pays them a visit...

To which I gleefully reply: "Yes...it is. I'm SO lucky" (note I did not say blessed.)

Which o course irritates the hell outta them and they usually follow up with a more direct: "Your just selfish!" if they can't get their way with me...and I happily respond with: "Of course! I have every right to be. I don't owe anyone anything. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. Hell, I'm not even obligted to answer you...but I'm in a good mood so ask away!"