Since I seem to disagree with most of the posters, I'm following up with my comment after the thread closed.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1073983


One of the problems people have when they realize the church is bogus and exploitive is making decisions. It is hard to tell what is cult thinking and what is courageous, normal thinking.

As you ponder the different choices, do not be hasty. Give your subconscious mind time to ponder the various ideas. You will be amazed to experience the cloudy water clearing and the right path becoming more and more obvious.

Only you can determine the "right" path for you because, like with most decisions, there is no arbitrary right or wrong--it's what is right or wrong FOR YOU at your present stage in life.

To help you make this decision, establish your priorities. You have indicated that your physical problems are more significant than the mental ones because you think the mental ones are temporary.

Many young men do not realize how significant their mental state is. Your mental state is ALWAYS number one, whether you are a missionary or an apostate, whether you are young/old, in a foreign country, employed/unemployed, no matter WHAT.

The reason is that without a healthy mental state, you might not even seek medical help for a possibly fatal physical condition. You might attribute stomach pains to stress and blame yourself, for not handling your stress better, when in fact, you may have a parasitic infection.

I have seen this with my own eyes.

So if we can agree that your mental state comes first, the next fact to consider is that you have been asking to go home for nine long months. This shows you that those who are responsible for your welfare are not interested in your welfare. It also shows you that you are not a volunteer. You are a social hostage with your status as a respected male member of your tribe being used to hold you and compel your participation.

Without anger, these are the facts of your situation.

When you look at your situation with clear eyes, you realize that you ANd ONLY YOU have your back when it comes to your personal happiness. Your MP doesn't care if you are happy or not, neither do your parents. Sorry if this is hurtful, but a further manipulation added to you is the humiliation your parents must endure if they fail to deliver to the cult a submissive church-broken son which they can milk and use.

Forgive my being blunt. I'm the exmormon grandmother you don't have-- and sorely need.

Back to your situation - you have been under duress for at least the last nine months asking for relief. This is stress you have been carrying and it has been increasing as the burden of cognitive dissonance increases in your mind. For all of us, the recognition that our "rod of iron" is in actuality a noodle of lies is a horrifying realization. People faint, throw up, develop ulcers, colitis, and have mental crises over just learning that Joseph Smith was a con man.

I am laying out the stress factors because it us UP TO YOU to manage your mental state by limiting the stress factors and scheduling more relaxing and sleeping time. The missionary experience is designed to break a person's autonomy, show them that they are weak and need superior others to be acceptable to God and their society. They break you and replace your confidence in your own judgment with magical thinking and dependence on knowledgable elders--themselves. It's a cultural process we see in other (primitive) societies.

They want your time, your money, your will. If you don't give it to them, they will take away the people you love and all hope of having respect in Mormon society.

Placed on the horns of this dilemma is often so uncomfortable that people just say F--it and become tithepaying non-believers "out of love."

There is no love before self-love. You must love and respect yourself FIRST before you can extend true compassion and love to others, even your family, even your girlfriend. This is why they say "To your self be true." Integrity and self-worth comes from the calm confidence of doing what YOU think is right, leading your life authentically, having your actions match YOUR values.

In consideration of all of the above, I encourage you to seek a break for yourself. Give yourself some time to take a deep breath, get some rest, get your bearings, choose wisely and think deeply under a tree by a stream.

There is no hurry. You are young. You will realize that you cannot complete a mission "with honor" because those who run the mission have no honor. They have none to give you and the status they offer IS PHONY! It would be based on you pretending to be something you are not, which is what they do every day of their lives.

You admire your mission president? How about the possibility that he is smart and knows it is not true but doesn't mind leading happy families away from the focus they now have on their own needs and setting them up to believe they must give your organization 10% of their income and an unspecified amount of their time ---ALL TAKEN FROM THEIR CHILDREN-- who actually have a right to their parents' attention and support.

It is not ok to take a message to people that they will lose their families after they die UNLESS they act now... but you already know all this.

I have a mentally ill son with a lifelong disablity. He had a breakdown, like many missionaries have had. They went home in a strait jacket, my son went to a construction lot and carved up his limbs with a linoleum knife. He was under too much stress and pressure, had been shot in a holdup, was abandoned by his adopted father and felt like a man would not call his mommy for help. He will never have a career or a family and a good day is one where the voices are not too bothersome.

You can push yourself too hard, stay too long, put up with too much.

When my son feels overwhelmed with anxiety, he takes a "respite." This means he goes someplace else for a couple of weeks and talks to counselors, walks in nature, swims, etc. Things he doesn't normally get to do.

I suggest you put everything aside and take a break. Your writing speaks volumes about where you want to be -- you want the comfort and solace you feel at your girlfriends house, there with her family. Don't listen to people who call you a coward. That is the mindset of those who grew up in this horrible cult of Mormonism and view the missionary experience as a rite of passage.

You are free to reject the notion that you have anything to prove to anyone regarding your manhood. No one has to walk in your shoes and feel what you do in your mind, only YOU will live with the consequences of placing your exhausted self in a healing environment or going back to the states to your parent's basement or your childhood room.

In my view, that would be very stressful because you will be viewed with suspicion and forced to "Prove" your Mormonosity. You will have to double down, carry oil, take three callings, wear two pair of garments...you get my drift.

I suggest healing this trauma away from your family rather than adding to the trauma by proving to the ward that you are worthy even though returning early.

Either way, you can certainly take some time.


Best

Anagrammy

That was incredible Anagrammy. Must've had the spirit 'cause I felt it in my chest... oh wait.

It's taken quite some time to come to terms with a lot of the things you've said. I have spent countless hours pondering this, writing in my journal, reading, studying, and doing everything I could. I haven't stepped-away from my work-station tablet and internet since I bought the modem today because there have been so many things I've been looking for answers to and plans I've been making. I appreciate that you're providing solid advice on how to make a good decision, and I'm making more of an effort than ever to do just that and be honest with myself despite what people think, and I've never experienced anything so damn liberating (I don't know if that one's a swear word on this forum, thought it should be used). This has been the mental medecine I've needed for my entire life, and I've never felt better. I've laughed and smiled genuinely more in the last couple of weeks than in the last year and half. It's a wonderful feeling.

The socially concerned people I don't think are necessarily looking to call me a coward themselves, but afraid that will make things harder, and it most certainly will. That's the key with trying to serve this false notion of 'honor.' In the long-run the truth will and must come-out, but those that don't need to know, don't have to be told, which also means less stress. One of the great tools I have learned on my mission though is social skills and that will definitely help, and I'm grateful for that.

That's the very issue though, is that staying with the girlfriend with no apparent reason other than thinking with my genitals causes a major social stress for those that won't accept it. Family is hard to cut-off, and my father is one of those that will take-time and care to have him come to terms. The comfort and solace of my girlfiend and her family is the driving notion, and I wish more people would easily recognize that, even among those that know a good part of the story, but that break may not be entirely necessary. Being freed from my own mind was a night and day difference and it has given me, as some on here have said, the balls to do this.

Thanks, ex-mo granny. I've never had a granny, much less one that told me to live with my girlfriend because she was the only one in my family that understood. Thank you.

You are welcome, anon20.

Keep in mind that there is no need for you to cut off anybody. If you are true to yourself and adopt the Four Agreements (by Don Miguel Ruiz) as a (temporary?) personal code, they will cut you off AT FIRST.

If you continue to be loving and just provide links to mormonthink or utlm, those who are interested in facts can get them from these sites, or whichever of the many, many now available.

You have no responsibility to provide the facts and an argument about the legitimacy of your information would not be you speaking your truth with love.

Beside the Four Agreements, I remind myself continually of these two principles

DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN A DESTRUCTIVE PROCESS/CONVERSATION/PROJECT

and

SPEAKING MY TRUTH WITH LOVE IS ALWAYS BEST


If a person can baptize someone for no reason other than the person felt it was the "right" thing (burning in bosom or whatever) THEN it is equally legitimate for you to leave because you felt it was the right thing for you.

You have been taught all your life that the natural man is an enemy of god, born needing to be saved. The truth is that you are fully equipped for every challenge and you are God's pride and joy.

There's a reason your hands reach to your genitals. If it was really life-destroying for your to masturbate, you wouldn't be able to reach your johnson!

You have a whole lot of liberating to do and I am thrilled to hear you experiencing the joy of blinking your way out of the dark cave of Mormon repression into the light of the complex and exciting world of ideas and adventures that lie before any young man...

Instead of the joy-killing checklist that would have you marry the first LDS young woman that came along just to make sure you don't escape church clutches due to sexual desire.

Have sex-- I hope you are, because it will reveal to you quickly that sex is not everything. You will be able to think much more clearly once it is in normal perspective instead of the LDS perspective where every person is a reproductive organ to be controlled by the mob --sorry-- church.

Hugs

Anagrammy

I have come to the mind-clearing realization that sex is not everything. I think I have escaped because of it, bt not because of the desire to have it, rather what unhealthy repression of nature caused. Thank you for all the support you've been.

Posted on the wrong place... will try again. Sorry.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2013 07:28AM by Jobim.

My grandmotherly advice is all about how to make lemonade after emotional Auschwitz.

Been there and not only survived but live with a glow of happiness that defies explanation...unless you've ever escaped from a prison or a cult.


:)

Ana

supposed to be below...can never figure out where my post will land. Sigh.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2013 10:27PM by anagrammy.

If there is ANYBODY you need to listen to, it's Ana.

She has amazing insight, and I think most on this board would agree - the lady has her head on right.

Listen to your grammy. She's been where you are now. There is a lot of wisdom and caring in her advice.

live life for you.

I <3 Annagrammy.

Thanks Annagrammy. Your post wasn't directed at me, nor is my current emotional situation even related to the church, but this helps me out a ton. This advice is very potent and applicable to many situations. These are quite literally words to live by, and happened to be just what I needed tonight, so again thank you.

And anon20, I also wish you the best of luck. I hope you find peace and happiness at the end of this less-than-pleasant new road.

I was going to just say the same, Z. I appreciate the words Anagrammy shared.

I heart all of you!

A

You are amazing, AG! I'd give a lot to be able to just sit and talk with you. I can't think of many others I of whom I would say that.

Quoting Anagrammy:

"The missionary experience is designed to break a person's autonomy, show them that they are weak and need superior others to be acceptable to God and their society. They break you and replace your confidence in your own judgment with magical thinking and dependence on knowledgable elders--themselves. It's a cultural process we see in other (primitive) societies."

This is the best definition of the whole mormon missionary experience I have ever seen. It deserves to be highlighted. I already knew that finding new converts is irrelevant, and that what's important is conditioning the missionary for a life of obedience, but these words lay it out plainly for all to see. This and a lot more of your advice can be applied to many other situations. This is why I always keep coming back to this board, even though I'm a nevermo from a distant country. Thank you for taking the time to write; it helps many more people than you could possibly imagine.

And I am the ex-Mormon grandfather you sorely need right now. Now go listen to your ex-Mormon grandmother!

("Noodle of lies." Heh-heh. Ha! Good one, Grams!)

Wonderful stuff Anagrammy. Wisdom and practicality all rolled into one - a real anagrammy masterpiece!

Anon20, good luck love, in taking this excellent advice and finding the freedom to be the 'real' you!! You deserve it! This other grandmother promises that!

Anon20,

Your parents and siblings have an infection. It's called Mormonismm. It's not their fault that they got infected. We shouldn't blame them, any more than we would blame someone for contracting influenza. They simply got unlucky. Unfortunately, it's worse than an ordinary infection. In fact, it resembles something far more chronic and tragic, like Alzheimer's disease.

It's important to remind yourself that you're not at fault for the situation in which you find yourself. You're a victim. If Mormonism *were* true, then your family is doing exactly what it's supposed to do. You can't fault them for that. They want what's best for you. They don't have the faintest idea that they've been bamboozled by a nineteenth century confidence man, charlatan, narcissist, liar, and fraud.

Your safety is important. That may seem like a strange thing to say. After all, what's the probability that your father will physically attack you? The main danger is mental and emotional safety. You need a safe place where you can be yourself, decompress, think, and listen to your body and emotions. No matter what you do, others (and you) will get hurt. If you don't do anything at all, you'll get hurt, and eventually, others will get hurt. You're damned if you act, damned if you don't act, and it's not obvious how to act, but you must.

Act authentically, in accordance with your values. You're similar to the rest of us in many ways, but you're also one-of-a-kind in other ways. Honor that unique "god" within you. What are your highest ideals? How can you be true to them? THAT is authenticity, and it's absolutely necessary in order to choose the life that's right for you rather than living out the ordinary life that you've been handed by default, by the accidents surrounding your birth: your first language, your parents' religion, your location and culture, etc.

Your life is about you. It's true that you're not in it alone. We're highly interconnected with others. So go and find the *right* others that you want to be connected to, who support and will nourish you in your pursuit of your ideas, and do the best that you can. That's the best that anyone can do. Don't worry about the rest. You're not responsible for others' lives. You can try to help, but if you don't know this already, you'll see that you can't change others. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

You're so young. Be glad that you've found out the truth, and celebrate the courage that you've shown in pursuing your own convictions. It takes a great deal of strength of character, and you've got it!

Anon20, go and live a great life, so great that when you look back 20 years from now, you'll laugh at the madness that you've left behind.

We wish you the best.

Steve

Decisions have consequences. When I used the word "coward" in another post please understand, I don't think you're a coward for any decision you'll be making. It seems like you have a very level head on your shoulders. BUT, going AWOL and seeing the countryside with your girlfriend is not the best decision, nor first advice that **I** would give.

Your mental health is número uno. You need to make sure your decisions draw this horrible phase in your life to a close as soon as possible. Going AWOL (as your original post suggested) will prolong the agony, stress, ill-health, etc. In my opinion, it will not accomplish what you're looking for and will/could lead to more serious problems.

When you look in the mirror, what do you want to see? That's all that matters. Good luck my friend and again, congrats on coming to this realization so young in life!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2013 10:18PM by newnamenephi.

It takes time to change your thinking, consider different options that were never even acceptable in the World View of Mormonism.

I like the saying: To change your world, change your thinking.

I appreciate the reference to The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz as it's been a very handy reference to keep me on track and focused also. I recommend it highly.

It's also a new practice to be able to read with an ear for bias and learn to discard it, getting to the meat and what resonates with you at the moment.

You only have this moment - make it yours!

It's wise to remember all of the right and wrong lists, only true ways are free to be ignored when changing your thinking.

If I were to select the most important part of me it would be my brain, my mind. That is where my power lies.

I'm a great proponent of an Attitude of Gratitude also.
Learning to make peace with your past and letting it go is very powerful also.

We each find what works for us. There is no manual when changing our thinking, our World View coming out of Mormonism.

We do it our way all the way!

I believe he is on the way home; according to his last update a couple days ago . He will not get to see the girl , but he at least gets to go home. :)