Share the ways you have come back from a hellish situation. Where was your mind?

How do you personally bend and not break?

How do you personally triumph?

How do you personally survive and move on?

These are tough questions ...

I am a "researcher". When my dad was dx with lung cancer, I read every page on the internet, and then went through all my nursing books. Knew every therapy, med, prognosis, etc. When my son's lungs collapsed, I did the same thing. Became enough of an expert so that I could at least ask good questions that would lead to better research. When my daughter decided to join this cult, i became a "Mythbuster" - I would look up a question, and get information from both sides. I would decide which explanation made more sense. It always led to another question or "myth" about the mormon church. Even now, approaching two years later, I still find out things that I didn't know before.

I guess I like to know as much as I can so that I can plan the best I can.

How do I bend and not break ... that's hard. Sometimes I cry, but I hate the boo-hoos, so I usually just wind up mad at myself. I'm not proud to say that there have been times when I was so overwhelmed that I literally hid in my closet so that my family would leave me alone. If I really think about it, the way I cope is to just be BUSY. Chores. Projects. Paint the living room or plant a garden. Oh - that's the big one. Outside, doing gardening and yardwork. I don't know why, but dirt for me is very theraputic.

This probably won't get me many points here, but I do pray. It seems to help me put things in perspective. I try to remember that the whole world has problems and that alot of the world has had my problems - I believe that God has helped the rest of the world through - he'll help me, too.

Triumph. Hmmmm. I think for me triumph is usually more mental. It would be when I decide an issue is resolved. I would have to say that thinking about it, I have had many victories, but not a lot of true triumphs. That doesn't bother me, though - I think that a true triumph is a rare thing. Again, it is just kind of yanking myself up by my bootstraps and trudging on until the victory, or sometimes, the triumph comes.

Survive and move on. These are hard!! You either survive or you don't. I think it is a choice. Curling up and quitting sometimes seems like something I want to do, but it never lasts. I have too much to do!! I hate feeling sorry for myself - I would rather get busy. I suppose I let myself daydream, too. (I guess that makes me a multitasker). Moving on is the hardest. I don't know if it is a "place" we get to - I think it is a constant journey. Sometimes I feel like I have put a problem to rest, and something will trigger it and it is like I never left it. It can and does change over time, but maybe even when we heal, the pain is still there, just under the surface. I suppose I would say that those experiences are part of the person I am, so I accept and embrace them, along with all of the good and everything in-between.

I'm not sure if this is really very helpful. If I had a week to think about it, I could probably articulate it better, but this thread was just to intriguing to keep slipping down the page!

Humour.

If I didn't try to find the funny bits in my life, I'd be dead along time ago.

I guess you can add that one to mine, too. Maybe I forgot because I'm not very funny?

I do break. I've been broken a few times. But time is a good healer and being broken isn't fatal and in fact, is a good teacher. It is an often used statement, but true enough: "If we don't learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them." And as it's already been said, a sense of humor is essential.

As some of you know, my mentally ill son is currently living with me (again). The other day, he was making brownies and as he pulled them out of the oven, I asked "Did you set the timer?" He answered "No." I asked "Do you mind if I tell you something about brownies?" He said "What." I said, "Well, you really have to set the timer because with brownies, you can't tell anything by looking at them, or touching them, or sticking something into them." He shrugged and replied "That's how I feel about college girls."

Laugh when you can, love all the time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2013 10:52PM by wine country girl.

WCG
OMG I had to laugh. Your son is so right about so many (not all) college girls. I just never heard it put that way. Still laughing.

Hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing that.

How old is your son?

My heart goes out to you to have him living with you (again). Let's hope it's not permanent.


Anagrammy

I generally take on the mindset "get your big girl pants on and deal with it" then I have my cry when its over.

Currently in a not fun or wonderful situation. Life is rough. But have my family intact and I guess that is enough for tonight. However, to answer your questions:

Where was your mind?

When I am in a hellish or crap situation my mind can vary from thinking extremely negative to positive. Once I break things down in my mind I realize how irrational it is and start to think a little rational. THen it happens again and I just keep breaking it down again.

How do you personally bend and not break?

I break every once in awhile. It's healthy to have a good cry and freak out moment and come out of it after a good nap and start to think straight. Sometimes you have to let the wind blow you around a bit, freak out and start over. It's ok.

How do you personally triumph?

You triumph just by being alive and well another day. Can't be perfect all the time.

How do you personally survive and move on?

One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. One minute, one second at a time sometimes.

Breathe. Relax. Have a good cry. Figure out your priorities, set goals and go! Good luck. I feel for you.

Divorce from hell -- Military training kicked in --

Evaluate your TRUE position --
List every Asset
List every Liability
Find a new comforting and relaxing place to travel(a bolt hole)in times of stress.
New village, new comfortable Hotel, New Restaurant.
Like the military make a time list of Standing Orders for you to live by every day..
Up at 7.00am --
Shower 7.15am
Breakfast 7.30am
Work or learning time 8am-12am

You get the idea - take up some new interests and explore your location within 100 miles ..

Time to restructure your life-- Good luck !!!

JB

I think I need to take some of that military advice to heart. Good points. I am going to work on that. I think I needed that advice tonight.

It wasn't much of a strain on me. I was disillusioned and left. Finit. (About 9 years ago, now.)

The real lesson here, I think, goes to my TBM hubby. When called into the bishop's office, the bishop (NATURALLY) tried to set the conversation up to that hubby had only two options: leave me or stick with the church.

DH is one of the most deeply loving and believing people I have ever met. He is no slouch, and he realized that the bishop was trying to force him to choose.

He spent a few moments contemplating the big picture of Jesus on the wall behind the bishop. He said "I guess I'll do what the Savior taught us to do, bishop."

The bishop did not expect this. He said, "And what is that, Brother Catnip?"

DH replied, "I'll leave the ninety-and-nine, and follow the one who has strayed."

NO WAY TO ARGUE WITH THAT ONE!!! He is still a believer, welcomes the mishies (He has even told them - 'You guys will never go hungry on my watch. If you need food, call me. it might not be much, but we'll find something.'")

The leaders never again tried to maneuver him into leaving me. We love each other deeply (more, I think, since I left the church.)

Study the scriptures and when you can, do what my hubby did - use the scriptures to argue. THEY CAN'T MESS WITH YOU!

you really have two choices. Live through it or die. I've never felt resiliant.Time just goes on.

My circumstances were extreme. My TBM older brother tortured and abused me all my life, until the morning after high school graduation, when I left home. My TBM parents let him get away with it. I was pushed into marrying the "perfect" RM from a GA family, in the temple, and he started beating me the day of the wedding. I stayed with him 14 months, because I believed in the temple vows, and that he would change. I felt worthless, beaten-down, with no one to love me or help me. I was going to kill myself, but realized that I could disappear without dying.

Run! I handled this by running away, and risking the scorn of my family and the loss of my reputation in the Mormon community.

Knowledge is power! Not much was known about wife-beaters violent psychopaths back then, but I read all the books in that section of the library. Less than 2% of abusers stop abusing.

Listen to your own gut reaction! Is this situation dangerous? Is this person a threat? Are you in a cult? Does your family put church and appearances ahead of your well-being?

Enjoy the small, beautiful moments. I remember one night, after a beating, holding my cat and watching the snow fall, out the window, like a snow globe. I saved my cat, too.

Get therapy! These ordeals gave me PTSD. I needed the help of a non-Mormon psychiatrist, but it was years before I could finally afford help of that kind. Before that, I thought I was just depressed, in a way, yet still fully functional. I handled the recurring nightmares by walking around the house, and looking at my children as they slept--more good moments!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2013 03:38AM by forestpal.

How do you get out of hell? One step at a time. There is no secret in this, but its simplicity does not imply that it is easy. Forget about the future. In fact, forget about today. Just worry about now. Worry about lifting up your foot, moving it slightly forward, and setting it down.

34 years ago I was raped at gunpoint by a man on parole from prison for rape. In the year he was out of prison, he raped another 150 women, in addition to the 200 he raped before getting caught the first time. I was left afraid,sad, and sadly enough, ashamed. I had two girlfriends that let me talk and talk and talk about it some more. Time healed much of the pain. But it was a year later that I joined TSCC. I suppose I craved what the church offered, a community, normalcy, kind good hearted people. I always have lived outside Utah and for the most part the members have been good people, just deluded, like me. It helped to realize gat the man who raped me was sick and broken himself. Who knows what harm was done to him. That doesn't excuse what he did, but helped me to realize that we are all a little bit broken, sone more than others. It has helped me be more compassionate. It also helped that he was caught and put back in prison without parole. I wonder though, how many women' lives he destroyed. We have to accept the bad along with the good in our lives and just keep moving forward.

Back in 2006 my youngest son, then 15 and my oldest son were in a car accident caused by street racers. My oldest son was thrown from the car but if he had been wearing his seat belt he would have been killed. My youngest son was wearing his seat belt which saved his life, but his right hand was out the window when the car rolled and his right hand was severed at the wrist. This was at 11:30 at night, yes I was awakened by the phone call, what a nightmare. We rushed to the scene to find both my boys already gone to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital in time to say hello to my youngest son.

I walked into that hospital emergency room and there was my little boy with a bloddy stump wrapped in gauze joking with the nurses about being Luke Skywalker. It was all I could do not to cry at the sight of his little stump. He was flown to Primary Children's and underwent 16 hours of surgery while they reattached his hand. Then they tore off all of his finger nails so they could scrape the beds to keep blood flowing through his hand trying to save it.

For the next three weeks I lived at the hospital while they bled his hand, and put leeches on and let them suck his blood until they were full also to keep the blood flowing. At one point he could move his fingers and we were all hopeful, but I had already left the church at that point but my ex TBM had not. I talked to my son and told him that gawd had nothing to do with this. I told him never to let anyone convince him otherwise. I told him that in life sometimes shit happens and sometimes really shitty shit happens and all we can do is deal with it and make the best of it.

My son was amazing but I was an emotional wreck, made even worse because I was hiding my emotions from him so that he wouldn't lose his confidence that he would be fine, whether the hand lived or not.

Three weeks later his hand died and he underwent another 6 hours of surgery while they amputated his hand.

When shit happens you basically have two choices. Deal with it and move on, or let it break you into irreparable pieces. At least that's my opinion. It isn't always easy to deal with something and move on, and sometimes it takes a very long time to heal and move on, but if you don't what other choice do you have? That's how I deal with tough situations.

Get out of hell? That was hard growing up I said I lived in hell. From when I was born I lived in a horders house with no hot water and no heating in Nebraska. I got sick all the time from the cold, mice, bats, and mold. I was molested at age 3 or 5 can't remember and was for the next 12 years. Finally moved out and ended up in an abusive relationship that ended in rape. How did I survive? Starving, and beatings....I minimized everything said it was normal. I discassociated and became a broken suicidal self destructive person. Why did I not kill myself? Somewhere in my heart I really did not want to die I just was tired and worn out. By age 18 I was dying from depression litterally I gave up the will to live. So what saved me? Someone dear to me once just said the smallest thing. "What are you doing to change it" in that moment I realized I was waiting for myself to give myself permission to live. To really live. So I simply made the decision to crawl my way out of hell. I wasnt saved I have to save myself. I am a year into this and though I don't reside permanently in hell anymore I still have a long way to go. I think it all goes back to my willingness to just fight and when I got war weary I simply forced myself to get up and fight somemore. Why? Becuase life is a fight and if you stop....you die.

Once again I begin to type something, but once again read through the responses and realize that my challenges are not up to those narrated here. So think, Shiz. And I will move on and try to be more thankful.

Two nuggets of advice that helped me at a very low point in my life were "Live for today" and "Everyone makes mistakes." I was stuck on the merry-go-round of reliving my hurt, anger and guilt thinking I was the only one dumb enough to have made the wrong turns in life I had made.

In try to make a change and feel better, I took the advice of living for today for at first five minutes and when I had succeeded doing that, increasing the minutes. I was so in the habit of going back in my mind and reliving the past, that it was a very difficult habit to overcome. And, for some reason, it helped me when I was working on this to combine it with the fact that I was not in this alone---that everyone makes mistakes.

Call on someone or "someones" to help you through this. Give yourself pats on the back, rewards, anything to help change you work on this challenge of changing years and years of having a certain mind-set.

Hope this might help. Good luck. Don't give up.

My ex left me as he is gay. Financial disaster. Bankruptcy payoff for 8 years. I worked 2 jobs. Raised 2 kids. This time of year can be especially "in your face." Trying to make sure I worked enough to give my kids Christmas.

I didn't think. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I went to therapy for a long, long time and still go see my therapist now and then. I had NO money. I was so poor I didn't even carry a purse. I was SO OUT OF MY MIND--I can't go there anymore. It is too painful.

I was to the point of planning my childrens' deaths and my suicide, but could never go through with it.

My lowest point was the day my dog was "run over"--he got up and ran to me and I put in the van to take him to the vet, and he died right there. He was my special miracle that kept me going. I lost hope. I really don't know how I survived. Don't know how I kept my house.

After the worst of it was over, I used to sit in the bathtub and sob--huge body-racking sobs. I'm sitting here bawling now. I don't allow myself to think about it.

My ex lives in the house with me now. My boyfriend from age 20 has now been in my life for 9 years and he just moved to Utah 8 months ago, got a job, bought a house close by.

Hard to believe my ex lives here as after he first left, he and his boyfriend were really cruel to me. If I'd ask for ANY money, they'd scream at me. They wanted to commit me so they could have the kids. I guess I was stronger than I thought because I came to this point. My doctor actually asked me just a few weeks ago--as he knows my ex--if I was jealous of his boyfriends. I laughed.

I still have issues--I have a lot of PTSD. I've been dealing with my issues of PTSD over MEN and the abuse I suffered from church leaders, my ex, and trying to navigate this relationship with my boyfriend. My son has issues--probably related to some of this, but also there are a lot of mental health issues in my ex's family and mine. He has issues with his dad. My daughter is over the top TBM--trying to make sure her life doesn't turn out like mine did.

I lost my parents 5 years ago--and my sister was telling me recently how those were the worst moments of her life. I admitted to her that they weren't for me. I love my parents and I miss them everyday--but the day my dog died 17 years ago on July 3rd--was the most horrible day of my life. My son even says that and he has been through a divorce. He says, 'We were SO ALONE.'

Thanks for all if your responses. They are inspiring to me...