Not in a suicidal way, but I feel like I need to jump off a mountain screaming as loud as I can.

I feel like shit. My body feels like shit. I live in Utah, and should be having more fun, but I am isolated right now due to temporary situations that I don't have control over.

I can't get these doctors to listen to me, but I know there is something that they are missing. I shouldn't feel like this, this should not be how I will have to live the rest of my life.

I don't mind living here for the most part, but sometimes all the fucking Mormon bullshit does get to me. And to think I took part in it. I am ashamed that I did for so long.

I just want to feel real and not fucked up in one way or another.
Ugh. Seriously just want to go outside and yell "FUCK YOU ASSHOLES" to all the mo's down the street. Especially the ones that "offended" me!! Haha.

I just want to wake up and feel whatever normal is supposed to be like. I can't even drink coffee, that would be so normal but I can't drink it, I dont' even like the smell.

Ok, so I am venting. I can't make my mind stop thinking about everything.

I dream of my "grandfather" (I use this term loosely) and that he is chasing me around the church building so he can touch me, fuck with me. He did this in real life, though maybe not the image of the church building, but for some reason this nightmare combines. He is trying to get me, going around the cultural hall.

I don't even know why I would dream like that.

Fuck him, fuck the church. The church took "me" away from myself. Who I should have been. I should never have come to Utah. I have a wonderful children that I cherish and that makes it all worth it, but I am lost, I never had a chance. T church I grew up in that allowed sex abuse to go on and did nothing ruined my spirit. Made me angry and combative. I feel like this will never go away.

Thanks for listening.....

I am sorry, non for this.

I hear you, and I understand, and I feel for you.

I hope that the right way(s) forward will make themselves known to you very, very soon...and that you will be able to begin again, in a better way for you, and that you will be able to see your own personal sun rising on the horizon.

Thank you, I am just so tired of being tired.

non for this Wrote:
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> Thank you, I am just so tired of being tired.

I am with you 1,000% on this.

I know this feeling so well.

I hope the grey clouds in your life begin to mist away soon.

I don't know the right words to say. There are people on this board that are so much better than I am with words.

I will say that I know a little bit of what you're feeling. I never lived in Utah. That has been one of my saving graces.

I do think that you can work through this thing called mormonism. It's an abusive cult that we were raised in. It did it's best to silence and still the voices of the children who are now adults.

There is a life outside of Mormonism, and outside of Utah. Do your best to be a good parent and not pass on the cult teachings to your children.

You've taken a huge step forward by posting here. Keep doing that. There are so many here that know and have so much more wisdom than I do.

You might have PTSD, if you were terrified and abused by your uncle. My older brother tortured and beat me my whole life, until I left home.

You said, "The church took "me" away from myself. Who I should have been." That's just like PTSD. who would you have been if you hadn't been abused in a satanic cult? That is the person you must find again. I had the help of a good non-Mormon psychiatrist, but it was hard work.

You feel like this will never go away, but you can slowly chip away at it. Begin by throwing into the garbage your garments, you scriptures, little statues and pictures of Joseph Smith, and all the other Mormon icons you can see. If they belong to someone else, put them away out of sight, and replace them with photographs or calendars, etc. Read science, fiction, history books--anything but church books. Stop eating Mormon food. Quit the diet Pepsi habit. Eat health foods, and very little meat. Change the way you dress. I wore nothing but black, dark brown, and navy blue, from head to toe, and long skirts, when I was a Mormon. Bring color into your life! Learn to play real music, write crazy poetry, go to R-rated movies and concerts. Do things you did not do as a Mormon. Most important, donate yourself directly, face-to-face with people in real need. If you can, donate money and things anonymously. Ski and hike on Sundays. Try coffee, and see if you like it. Seek out non-Mormon friends.

In short, change the little details of your life, and soon you will find yourself living a different life. Get some freedom and peace. Go out in nature. Get a pet. Spend time with your valuable children, and show them what love really is!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2013 06:38AM by forestpal.

Hopefully, these feelings will run their course in time. Facing the anger is a good way of alleviating it. We have to work through the muck to get to the happier place on the other side.

Good luck and comfort to you.

I second that how you are feeling sounds a lot like PTSD. My suggestion is to see a counselor if possible to help you work through this difficult time. Also, forestpal's suggestions are terrific---they are suggestions that I also learned and have helped tremendously.

Know this will take time and hard work, but is so worth the effort. The alternative is to live a life feeling like you do which you, most likely, will try to get away from by turning to unhealthy obsessions (keeping busy, busy, busy, overspending, unhealthy eating,etc) or even some dangerous addictions. I have seen people turn to these behaviors when the burdens they are carrying are just too much.

Best of luck to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2013 11:12AM by presleynfactsrock.