I'm a convert of a little over 5 years. I joined because of love. I thought that I could not be with the person that I love if I was not a member, so I joined. Prior to that I thought the church as a complete crock. After joining I guess you could say I was into it. I think it was primarily that I had a god in my life that I didn't have prior. I now am so screwed up. I don't buy into it. I don't pay tithing. I drink coffee. I want to leave but I'm scared to death that the love of my life with leave me if I do. I'm lost in Salt Lake.

If they'd leave you because you don't comply with a thought process, they don't really love you anyway.

If you want to be free, you should probably tell them how you feel.

I agree with the above comment. If they love their dictatorial LDS church more than you then they don't have the kind of love you want. Who would want that? You need to be honest and if you don't have kids or only little ones, you need to tell your spouse how you feel about their attendance at an LDS church. Remember your feelings are as valid as theirs.

drinking coffee makes you a bad person

No- drinking coffee does not make you a bad person- i realize that was said tounge in cheek but insl is obviously reaching out here and probably isnt looking for that.

You have a valid fear Insl- we all know what a stranglehold tscc can have on people we love, and leaving the church can threaten those relationships in a real way. I would take it slow, but in the end be true to yourself or you will always feel lost.

That was a valid point about the coffee though. To Mormons, that's a huge sin. If he hasn't left you over the coffee, then perhaps he's more understanding than you fear.

Yes I'm reaching out because I'm about to fall apart. I see my life, as well as me, crumbling if I was to leave. I really wish I would have never been exposed to the church sometimes. Yes, religion has been good for me and I have made some necessary changes in my life that I tried before but it never seemed to work. But it has also left me feeling like a failure for many things.

oh my god. I just got back from church. only went to sundy school and to sacrament. Went because our daughter is leaving on a mission. I feel like such a hypocrite. There is no way I could talk her out of going and that is fine because I support her, plus I have only been in her life for a little more than 5 years and what do I know about the church. I feel like I'm in a vice and I can't get out, I wish my prayers would be answered and this would all be over...

Hang in there. Sundays were always hard for me when I was attending still but not believing. I too thought my spouse would leave me if I said ANYTHING about what I was experiencing, so I felt forced to go. I truly hated going to church and all the early morning bishopric meetings. I felt completely stuck and depressed. Just know that you would not fall apart without mormonism ok? It really has no more power than we give it.

Thank you, thank all of you for you support.

I have some ideas: remember that you are a unique, fantastic, special person, regardless of religious views.

Give yourself permission to recognize your successes and respect YOU!

I like the saying: To change your world, change your thinking.

I had an exercise in a class I took years ago that has stuck with me: make a daily gratitude list. Add one thing each day, no matter how small you think it is: sunshine, rain, clouds, people that help, someone's blue eyes, their smile, and on and on and on. It will change your focus into the positive from negativity which too often is self-sabotage.

Much of life we find ourselves doing things that we no longer enjoy or never enjoyed, or like to do. But, in many cases it has to be done to take care of our personal lives and our jobs.
Sometimes it's been painful for me to stand and do dishes (after breaking my foot), so I sang, and thought about things I loved to get through it. Also did the dishes in short spurts! So what if a few were still in the sink. They were not going anywhere!

Next, I found it helped to set priorities, to talk to my spouse about what was religious issues that I could no longer accept and with us, it worked to: Agree to Disagree, then honor and respect each other's religious privacy and not intrude.

You'll find a way to do it: Your Way. Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Did you marry the love of your life or are you still waiting after 5 years?

Drinking coffee and not paying tithing makes you smart, not evil.

Insl, the fact the person you love wanted to be with you despite you not being a member of the lds church means he or she was not a completely obedient TBM. TBMs are taught to marry in the covenant, etc... Have you talked to your significant other about this? That is your first step. You know him or her better than us, so us giving you advice on how to approach the subject may not be useful other than saying: take it easy. One step at a time, don't talk about your complete disbelief at the beginning. This of-course, assuming you want to keep the relationship, which does sound like you do.

Contrary to what others have said, if he or she is not willing to accept your disbelief, it is not that he or she doesn't necessarily love you, it is more likely he or she has been brainwashed by a cult that won't allow him or her to love you via threats of eternal punishment, public shaming, etc...
That said, if her or she doesn't accept your disbelief, you should not torture yourself and feel you need to stay with him or her.

Stay LDS and new order Mormon have some nice people who can walk you through this in the support forums.
Yours is not a unique situation.
There are positives you experienced in your journey and it wasn't that bad.
Now it will do your head in
Don't throw out Christ cos the LDS leaders are phonies.

The world still needs good people.

you will be ok. There is just a lot of emotions and trauma going on right now.

Take your time

Be there for your daughter.
This is her journey.

I was a child of "Jack Mormons." Let me explain. Those are people in the geographic area of Utah/Idaho, etc. who are cultural and generational Mormons, but do not live the various behaviors that the church requires. I was baptized because "that's what you do." I moved from Idaho to the belly of the beast, Utah County, at age 12. I grew up there. I decided I should marry a TBM because those were the "good girls." Divorced the first one, a poor match, after being an idiot for 19 years and having 7 kids. Remarried another TBM who'd been dumped by her husband. Helped her raise her 4 kids. As a man in his late 50's, I became introspective, studied history and origins of Mormonism,, realized it's BS. Studied philosophy and comparative religious studies. Became an atheist. Life is strange.