Posted by:
Raptor Jesus
(
)
Date: November 10, 2013 11:37PM
While Mormonism may fall short in a few petty reasons, the organization hand-crafted by Jesus Galactus Christ is super fucking amazing.
Because I was born and raised with the eternal truth of the go-fucking-spel, I got to witness all the wonderful things that the church has done for my life with my own two eyes and not the one big one I got from the cyclops that terrorized all those summer campers on Monster Island.
Some of you posters seemed to have your heads shoved so far up your bitter holes that you can't recall how lovely and precious the church is. So, I will take time out of my busy beavery day to remind you.
1. The church lets you understand the value of "Business Attire."
Corporate America is all about men in cheap suits and women in frumpy dresses. So, your "Sunday Best" is what's best to go to work in.
Wait...Unless you're a woman. If you're a woman, get the fuck out of work and wear that dress behind the stove. It's where you belong, and brings me to point number.....
....2. Haha!...number 2....
2. The church understands the value of women not being at work.
Quite a few prophets have remarked that society has gone mostly to shit because women are selfishly having careers.
As all the current data has proven, there are only TWO reasons why people cook meth:
They are either desperately ill chemistry teachers with unresolved god complexes.
OR, they didn't come home to freshly baked bread.
My mother worked outside the home, and that's the reason why I started all those cars on fire and ran guns to the Contras in Nicaragua when I was 12.
But I repented which brings me to point number 3.
3. If you are sorry for the shit you have done, you will be forgiven thanks to the Atonement of Christ, J. Galactus.
Just remember to tell all the gory details to the appropriate middle aged white guy behind a heavy, oak desk. My bishop really wanted and needed to know all the times and circumstances of me dry humping those girls as a teenager, the loan officers at the bank.....not so much.
Except that one guy. I couldn't get a loan unless I told him everything. Which I happily did, because you always trust a man in a white shirt where garment lines and markings are showing.
Temple worthy = trust worthy.
Plus, the spirit would have told me if he were unscrupulous. Just like when the spirit told me to steal all those books from the library. The librarian wasn't too happy about that, and after I explained to her why she was ruining the country by working, I told her that she better be happy that the spirit hadn't told me to behead her too.
Just like in that book about Jesus and dismemberment.
And submarines! There's also submarines with elephants in them.
Excelsior!!!!
4. The church has a great sense of community.
That's right, if you really want to be super duper involved at the expense of everyone outside your glorious club, there's no better group to join.
You will be busy. You will work hard. You won't have time for petty bullshit like other people and hobbies. And the rewards will be astonishing.
Not feeling well? Did your uncomfortably racist relative recently corpse out? Just got out of surgery?
You need a dish that is covered with a thin crust of cornflakes.
Yum yum.
That's the taste of fucking friendship.
Plus, you've got some instant back-up on facebook. Did you just post something that was only meant to be "passive-aggressively condescending" instead of the way those poor, lost, go-fucking-spelless doucheshits took it as being "assertively condescending?"
Now you've got a bunch of gentiles crawling up your ass. Never fear - the echo chamber is here!
You and your posse can tell them what you FUCKING KNOW, MORONS! And if they really understood TRUE HAPPINESS, they would get that you have HIGHER STANDARDS, bum-bum-whores!
That's right. Those bitches can wallow in their mist of darkness and mock you from that astoundingly tempting looking party from that giant, warm building...and oh my god is that a plate of brownies????
Besides you have something that you KNOW everyone else is secretly jealous of you for having. You have point number 5.
5. THE PLAN OF GODDAMN HAPPINESS, MOTHERFUCKERS!
You are happy. You are happy. You are so fucking happy, that that thought just keeps repeating in your head until you burst in to tears whenever you get a chance to speak in public.
That's how fucking happy you are. And you'll continue to endure all this overwhelming joy until you die when Christ stops making you into his tool for mortality and turns you into his tool for eternity.
You have been given the great gift of obedience which you mastered in life. Now is your glorious opportunity to be obedient forever in Heavenly Father's presence. Following rules and order is going to allow you to be with your family members who also understood the plan of happiness. The very select few who make it will be able to continue to do exactly what they are supposed to.
Personifying laws and order, you will banish chaos and create children in obedience and order. Ruling over them in obedience, you will command them to banish chaos and create in obedience and order in order to return to you.
In eternity you will exemplify one major insight of Christ's perfect gospel. That life's true goal is to end up exactly where you started.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2013 02:25AM by Susan I/S.