My daughter's boyfriend moved away from The Morridor to live closer to us (still in Utah, but yeah). Anyways, he didn't really have the desire to get ready for his mission. He always knew he was going (because his parents constantly pushed him and called him and bugged him, etc. about the progress of his mission papers).

He knew that I had struggles, and I am feeling sick about not knowing about the church in some ways. We had a HUGE talk before he left about accepting others (even if they don't believe in our church, humbling himself, etc.).
He seriously has such potential to be a great person. He loved us and helped us, and saw that maybe, just maybe constant rules and regulations weren't always the way. I can look in people's eyes, and really see them. Without a doubt, he had that look of humbleness and compassion before he left.

It has only been about three months, and today his overall letter started like, 'yo wassup' (this is not his style). Then he went off on how he looks so good in his new coat, how all the AP's and him were partying in the AP van by making up music, how his MP is 'the boss', how he ate out with all the members, etc. etc. etc.

So, he was a humble guy who was seriously funny, and in three months he turns into a damn cocky idiot? He sounded so juvenile (yes, I know he is only 20), but he sounded 14 and hanging with the boys

Then since this week he mentioned hardly anything about investigators (they keep ignoring him, not wanting to do with the church, etc. because of course, he is in Europe). I asked him about a girl him and his companion had met. He said,

"1. We met with that girl and she didn't want to take the lessons. We gave her a Book of Mormon and then said to stay in touch. I just hope she comes to and realizes that this is THE Church of Christ."

SHUT UP!! Where did this humble boy go that said he would love and accept others. For some reason, the capital THE just made me sick. I really feel deep down he did not want to go, but now he is 'playing the game' for his parents and starting to believe he is God's gift to mankind. I swear, I am so sick of this mentality. He had issues I had him get help with (before his mission). I didn't want him to go, but for some reason his TBM father has COMPLETE control over his family. He dragged out his dental appointments, etc. and NOW he is not communicating as well with us (he told us we were his 'safety net') from his family. The only reason I felt o.k. about him going, is I was hoping he would be HUMBLED and realize what a judgmental piece of crap this church (and his family) can be, and yet now, he is a cocky missionary.

I am heartbroken. He is an amazing guy, and he is now drained of his loving spirit. He also, has written letters which judge in a sense, those he speaks too, yet he is too BLIND to see it.

Seriously people. What in the HELL do they put in your drinks in the MTC. My poor daughter has dated him many years, and she too, felt instantly sick at this letter. He acted pompous, in a hurry, and is so self absorbed. I get you have to be to a point, but holy hell, you JUST had to sign a paper and SAY you were worthy (he wasn't completely), and you get to go. There is NOTHING special about you over ANY other guy. I am glad my daughter is smart enough to see that she doesn't NEED to marry an RM.

I am sick. In fact, she wrote me tonight, that she is sick of the church here and how ALL they talk about in church is marriage or missions, but that is another story.

I just need take on how they change so much and if their cocky bastard attitude stays when they come home, or learn to be humbled more. I am sad, and if you knew how close of a relationship we had with him, you would see why it is not easy to just 'let him go'. Sigh.

Ever seen the film Zelig?
He may be Zelig.

Hypothesize because of a domineering father (with whom you have to be invisible) he has not developed a true self (I know who I am) or integrity (the ability to stand alone). So: if he's with frat boys, he becomes a frat boy; if he's with those who value humility and compassion, he exhibits these traits.

He's not actually a jerk. He's acting, because he doesn't know who he is.

Good thing is he is still essentially a kid; doesn't even have a fully developed brain for six years more. Perhaps during this interval he will mature into a real person.

Hope it works out.

I haven't seen that, no, but in the back of my mind I have always thought he was a sponge. He kind of molds to his environment (we also had a talk about that, and he insisted he was NOT a sponge before he left), but this is showing me you are probably right.

I know he is young and we go through personality issues, but it has been really hard on my daughter and I, as we didn't want to see him go (and yes, there is a part of him that worries about losing him, as he becomes this fake sheep). Sigh. I just love that kid so much. We have been through so much together, and like I said, I kind of became a mother figure while he moved by us. I always noticed when he would go back up near BYU to visit, he would be tampered and obedient. It was disgusting to see how his father made him act like that.

I just don't know if there's hope if he is always going to sponge and mold to other missionaries. Especially when we had discussed this very thing (to be aware of it). I don't judge or blame him. My anger seems like I am. It is just really I don't want this good kid ruined just because he had to mold to the environment the church and his parents wanted him in. I am just sad tonight.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/12/2013 01:45AM by strongandresilient.

Also, in high school, he got many main acting roles and he comes alive when he acts. He is a superb actor, but in the back of my mind, I always thought that the reason he is sooo good at acting, is he can become anyone, since he doesn't know who he is. Interesting you helped me remember my thoughts on this.

It still doesn't make it easier right now, and I have seen real moments where he spoke to me and broke down (he said he NEVER cried as a kid, and his parents didn't really provide an outlet for that). One day, I told him how loveable he was and he just broke down crying for an hour. Right before his mission. I guess what I'm saying, is we worked so much on breaking through to this barrier, that I feel upset the MTC and the beginnings of being 'obedient' again, has made him lose his sense of self that he was JUST beginning to find.

Should we keep writing and hope he can have love and understanding and compassion again, or just give up hope that he will become another robot who is cocky and thinks his way is the ONLY right now. It might seem dramatic to try to make that decision soon, but later I will provide a backstory into why I am so utterly exhausted with his family. If he becomes like them, I can't...I just can't. :(

Praise the good in him and encourage him gently to bring out the good nature that you have seen in him. Hopefully that will have its positive effect. When it returns, if he is still impressionable, perhaps you can serve as a strong positive influence.

I meant: "When he returns ..." Sorry!

P.S. - not saying the ability to be Zelig is bad; it can be extremely adaptive and useful.

So long as he is not miserable possessing this "gift."

It may just be a phase if this is his first time away from home.
He may be trying to fit into his new social group.
Was his letter an e-mail? If so he knows it is reviewed by the church, maybe even the APs he seems to hang with?

Hopefully at some point he is able to reimerge and be himself.

It as an e-mail. He may have been with them, because this was the fastest, most insincere letter yet. Thank you for your advice.

Another one bites the dust. Ask your daughter to find a nice non-Mo guy or not date. She doesn't have to have a man to be a good person. She could even have a woman partner and be a good person, or no partner.
Forget about this guy. TSCC has taken over his mind. I would let his parents know about it before forgetting about him completely.
TSCC are the invasion of the mind snatchers.

You would tell his family what? I am confused at that sentence. :) They would be overjoyed he is a obedient, pompous Mormon. They thrive on the 'perfect' appearance, while their whole family of 10 has major hidden issues (porn, verbal abuse, etc.). And here they said I was the 'bad influence' simply because I was a single mother and had opinions. Wow.

strong and resilient - I would tell his family how much you have noticed him changing for the worse. That 's all I meant.

Your daughter will find someone better, hopefully a non-Mormon.
This jerk is not the only guy in the world.

I hope your daughter is not attending a Mormon school.
If so, advise her to transfer after she gets her first degree.

The two of you need to shake yourself free of the cult.

Zelig stuff is interesting....

I actually think that fits to ME when I was a young 20 something.

The fact that he went on a mission even after moving closer to you should tell you that he is susceptible to Mormon influence.

You do not need his understanding or compassion, that is too heavy a load to dump on a young man.
Move on.
He is just a kid and has the right to develop himself any way he chooses.

Besides, why wish the Mormon mess on your daughter.She is much too young for marriage and kids anyway.