My daughter came out as bi sexual at age 14 as well. We said "okay" and life went on. At 15 she developed a long distance relationship with a boy online, they met one time and got along great. Over this last summer she came out to me as identifying male, she did break up with this boy and I'm sure I don't know the half of her own process in all of this. She asked me to call her by a new male name. I told her I would but that I'd screw it up sometimes. I've gotten to where I'm pretty consistent with that, my inconsistency now is referring to my daughter as he/him. I'm getting there though. My male identifying daughter has a twin sister who has been my sage through all of this. She's not skipped a step in using male pronouns and calling her/him brother instead of sister. So last night was his first date with a young woman. I chauffeured, they went to a play and he wore a three piece suit, hair cropped and styled male. He was stunning and he was very nervous. I felt awkward and I didn't want to feel awkward. But love the girl he took out, she's been a friend and she's very interesting and positive and fun. First five minutes in the car were stiff but they began to talk and laugh and they were fine. We're growing with this whole thing one step at a time, last night - first official date was a big one and I want so much for it not to be this big deal inside of me but I'm sensing I've got some stuck points left in me, prior mormon life anti-LGBQT programming I wouldn't have become aware of w/o having a Trans daughter. It's far more than advocating for and participating in LGBQT rights rallies, I've never felt that stuck place inside me in those settings. You do have to allow yourself your processes and give yourself time to grow and incorporate the new worries or say goodbye to some of the old expectations. My trans daughter is a delicate and feminine soul. That hasn't changed, like he said he doesn't suddenly have macho interests, doesn't want to go to home depot to stock up on power tools where there was no interest in those things before. So although I'm seeing there is far less change than I might have worried about in my irrational or inexperienced moments, my new worries are over how the world will treat him, what doors may close over this or what paths may not open up so easily.

Puffthemagicdragon, I think you sound like an excellent parent - it's completely normal to feel confusion about these things, and I think the fact that you showed a loving response in spite of the fact that you were in shock is really admirable. It will take time to get used to, but as long as you are able to communicate with your daughter, read lots of materials about having an LGBT family member, and don't feel afraid to express how you're feeling, I think you will get through it fine. Even as a gay man myself, I had a hard time dealing with it when my sister admitted to me that she was bisexual, and I didn't really give her the understanding and support I should have. (I just didn't want her to have to go through the same things that I did!) You did a much better job than me, haha.

As the mother of a very butch lesbian who came out to me as a teenager, I feel the need to tell you that you are doing a great job. Sometimes it can be hard for us as parents, letting go of the dreams and ideals and concepts we have of our children from the time they are born (and before).

My daughter wears men's clothing and hair styles but she does not self identify as a male. Her voice is neither male nor female sounding. She is not confused about her gender at all. She is often mistaken as a man because she is tall and a little heavy set, hiding her femininity. When she was seven she chose to shorten the very feminine name she was given to a version that is used by both males and females.

All of this was confusing and hard at times to accept but while she appears different on the outside, she is and always will be the same very gentle, sweet, loving person she has been every day of her life.

These kids need lots of love and support as they explore and learn who they are. For LGBT kids it's much harder that for the straight kids and they need us and our unconditional love and support more. Keep doing what you're doing and your son will be much better off mentally and emotionally than so many others.

I think you are doing great as well.

I will also reiterate my advice regarding PFlag. There is support out there. Others that have been through it may have answers you have not found yet.

I can't even imagine what you are going through, but the parents at Pflag know because some of them have been through it already. I will say that one of the most important people in my life was a big ol' Male to Female transgender named Bobby (correct pronunciation requires throwing attitude as one says the name). She was and is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2013 12:48AM by MJ.

I don't think your son (ex-daughter) is bi-sexual but rather transgendered. Perhaps reassignment surgery is in the future. Keep your love going strong.

Transgender and bi are not mutually exclusive. A transgender can be bisexual as well.

The story is also a about how it all unfolded. She is relating what the teen said she was. It is up to the teen to identify who she is to her mother, not you. Judging by how the mother described the story, I would assume he mother is well aware that the teen is transgender. Any gender reassignment surgery should be the teens decision (upon reaching they age they could give consent to the surgery), not the parents.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2013 07:35AM by MJ.