I am one of those fence sitters, but things are making it easier to go to this side.

I have been sick ever since the Brigham stuff came out. It is the thing I needed to hear.

Problem is, my ENTIRE life has been engulfed in the church. I feel sick, sad, lost, and sooooooo alone. I live right in the heart of Utah, and literally have no one to talk to about how lost I feel.

I feel so strange and disconnected. I am worried because I suffer from anxiety, and I don't want to be pushed over the edge in my mind. I just need to know some of you suffered this sick, lost feeling and got through it.

I just can't stop the tears from flowing today, and I honestly don't know why they are so fierce today.

I am so sorry - you are crying because your entire foundation has been shaken and you feel you are on quicksand. You'll make it-- let yourself grieve first though.

It really does get better, not just a little either It is so freeing

Yes. Yes it does, and yes it is!

Take a deep breath and blow out some of the fear and disappointment.

You'll be fine in time. Take it a day at a time and try to think about something else if it gets too much for you.

I'm much happier and more fulfilled than I ever could be as a Mormon. It's wonderful to learn to be independent from such a controlling organization.

Choose a few activities you've always wanted to do but didn't have time or money for them because of tithing and callings. That will give you something to be glad about and look forward to. Take time to pamper yourself.

Good luck.

I didn't stop crying for six months. Keep reading, drink lots of water and try to get some sleep. What you are going through is real, normal and we are here for you.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

For me and my family, life is much better out of the church than it ever was in. And we even live in an area of Utah that is about 90% Mormon.

If you feel like talking to some live people, try going to the Cabella's meetup on Sundays at 10:00. A group of exmos from this forum show up to talk in the Cafeteria. We generally push a few tables together. I haven't been for a couple of months, but they are still doing it. We've had anywhere from 5 to 35 people at these things.

There are many other exmo groups in Utah, as well. There are people meeting at the Coffee Pod in Provo on Sundays (don't know what time), there is a religious transition group at the Unitarian Church in Midvale every other Sunday, and I regularly hear of groups meeting at restaurants in SLC. If you want support, Utah may be both the best, and worst place to be. But there is a huge exmo community (or maybe just a lot of small groups).

I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time today. I could of written exactly what you wrote 2 years ago this month. I felt shocked, sad, alone and completely duped. It does get better and I was surprised to discover how much BETTER life is outside of Mormonism. Eventually the shock and sadness fades away and you will adjust. Be patient with yourself; its a healing process. Keep coming here for support whenever you need it. I don't know how I would have made it through the leaving process if it wasn't for Rfm.

Of course tears "are fierce." You have discovered the church you believed in your whole life has been lying to you.

I promise you, it gets better. But not just better than what you are going through right now. For my wife and me--stalwart members and "100%'ers" life is better than at anytime in the cult of Mormonism.

Hang in there.

Just sending my love, I can't add to the wonderful advice you have already been given.

It does get easier and you will be fine, but I know that is difficult for you to beleive right now!!

I also went through a bit of what you're now going through. I think it may have been easier for me because I wasn't surrounded by mormonism. My family left the church with me, and I don't live in Utah.

However, I was stunned at the magnitude of lying and deception that had been heaped on me for decades of my life. My entire family of origin is still TBM. I don't have any connections with them. The one that I did, stopped answering the phone after I broke the news. That was heart breaking, but it is what it is. I can't pretend to believe in Mormonism in order to keep connected. In fact, I want nothing to do with someone who would be ok with that.

It's like a death or two in the family. There are some things that change and will never be the same again. Some of those changes are really good though. That's where I put my focus.

For the first time I can be ME. Just Me, and and I don't have to put on like i'm ok with people at church intruding on my life, and my family. It was like doing spring cleaning. Clean, clear,fresh. I could let my mind go to what I needed to think about, do, and follow my interests. I know that sounds selfish to some, but I needed to be selfish. I was sick of giving until I was used up. The mormon church has no problem with running the members into the ground. They will do it physically,mentally, spiritually, financially, and any other way they can. When you're used up, they will start in on the other younger members in your family. They will suck everyone dry. They have no problem with that. In fact, if you express any kind of opposition to that they will inflict punishment on you. They will use your marriage, children, parents, siblings, anyone or anything they can come up with to squeeze you dry.

Sorry, I got off on a rant there. Not difficult when i'm on this subject. Just know, it does get better. The air gets cleaner, the weight of life is incredibly lightened. Washing the mormonism out of your life may take some work, but the end results are well worth it.

Thank whoever or whatever, it does get better, much, much better.

Right now you feel caught in a swirling revolving door and still wondering a tiny bit if you should continue to head forward, stepping off at your new destination or just swivel on back to some familiar ground.

Only you can decide. And that can be frightening to face---that it is up to you. But, from my perspective and many other exmo's, it is exilerating to weigh your own options and take steps that you want to take.

The tears will end, but something better can take its place---what is the best for you and you alone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/12/2013 08:34PM by presleynfactsrock.

presleynfactsrock Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> >
> Right now you feel caught in a swirling revolving
> door and still wondering a tiny bit if you should
> continue to head forward, stepping off at your new
> destination or just swivel on back to some
> familiar ground.
>

This. This is all I have been feeling for a month. I am a single parent, so I don't have the husband to rely on either. I know that is a blessing in some ways, but my head and heart feel so empty. I used to feel joy in the church, and the past year, I have felt like I am watching it from a weird view.

Believe it or not, I actually thought I had a brain tumor or something (part of me still thinks there is something wrong with me), because it is like I just started 'hating' everything. It was the weirdest sensation and has scared me a lot.

Has anyone experienced this? Like, you weren't even looking for an out, but you just felt sad, sick, angry, and defeated with boredom and 'nothingness' one day.

That is what makes me the most sad. The church is all I have done or clinged to. I hate authority, yet I feel like someone needs to tell me where to go, if I should stay, if I should go. Will God (for me, I have to believe right now, so don't judge please) punish me if I walk away. How can a church that is 'so good' fill me with such despair simply from wanting to find my own way for a moment...that is where al the confusion comes in. The stories here terrify me...of families not loving you. That makes ZERO sense to me. I have aunts and uncles that have left the church, and they have always been welcome. I can't fathom EVER doing that to someone I love based on religion.

This is my church..my families are forever, worship how you may, don't judge church? :(

I have lost it all. I feel empty and my anxiety is stopping me from going out right now, so I am completely stuck..emotionally, financially, spiritually, and socially.

I need it to be better.

I grew up in a single mother home. I really feel for you. Yes I have had those feelings. My whole self worth was tied up in Mormonism when I realized it was a fraud I was terrified. It felt just like repunzel in tangled when she touched the ground for the first time. I thought my wife might leave me (she didn't), I thought she wouldn't allow me to discuss atheism and now she does. Life is not as dark as you suspect, just give it some time. Seek out the good in life, limit the bad.

It gets better, the world gets brighter, you will begin to enjoy making decisions for yourself, and you'll be grateful for the freedom you gave your children. I would encourage you to go to a exmormon meetup. Talk to some real people, ask for help if you need it. Take a deep breath, feel free to vent here, ask us any question you might have.

You probably don't have a brain tumor! This feeling you are feeling is perfectly normal- frustratingly our brain has these filters that try to keep our thoughts and prejudices orderly and when our paradigm shifts for some people it can make them sick or cause a lot of pain. For me I had a headache from 10/12 til 2/13 and I felt like I was going blind at times. Please know that we are here for you and that even though it feels like it you are not alone even if you do live in mormonland happy valley. I live in Orem and it sucks but I am not alone- email me at westcoastrainbow@yahoo.com if you want to talk.

You know, if you really need that sense of community that you once felt, and if you'd like to find real acceptance, there are many churches that you can still join and rely on. I'm not sure about which is best, but they are possibly all so much better than being LDS. I have found the pastors of all the various churches I've attended so far to be so much more accepting to me, reaching out to me. I don't feel I need it, though. I appreciate their help, but don't want to take it because I don't even really believe in God. But it's there, and almost all of it is superior to Mormonism. It doesn't take much, though. Being Mormon is a thankless, soul-sucking thing.

You are mourning a loss. It is a death of sorts and of course you are feeling this way. Just know, that like with all grieving, your mind is sorting things out somewhere underneath. It really does get better. Like REALLY. And you are going to love the "new better." All the best to you.

Welcome, it truly gets much better, better than you can imagine. ....

It gets better! Believe me!

Ironically, there are probably more exmo's in your area than any other place in the world. You're not alone.

It's possible that the Mormon church has been trying to sell you something you already own.

Many - MANY - other faiths say that you will be with your loved ones in the hereafter and that God loves and forgives you. If those are major concerns for you, just remember that you DON'T need Mormonism to have them filled.

Even most Near Death Experiences have said the same comforting things -- and "NDE's" cross ALL faiths -- read a few of those accounts.

You may find all that the Mormon church has offered you and MORE somewhere ELSE -- but without the guilt, manipulation, expense, time, and intrusiveness that Mormonism unfairly demands!

I'm not a good source in this way, but there are probably many here on the board that can suggest other faith alternatives for you.

It does get better - and you DO have wonderful choices!

Not only was your life was 100% LDS, but 1,000's of hours of LDS Church indoctrination over the years "programmed" you to think and behave in accordance with church teachings and the Latter-day Saint way of being.

To a very significant degree, you've experienced a psychological collapse as well as one related to the culture and community you knew. Any psychologist would tell you those are major losses, ones that have naturally caused you to experience grief (hence, the tears).

You're beginning a process of re-creating yourself. The 'self' that existed that the product of A LOT of Mormon indoctrination and conditioning. But that wasn't the real you, believe it or not. Your authentic self was buried under many 'layers' of Mormon 'programming'.

I'd like to point out that COUNTLESS Latter-day Saints suffer from anxiety, a product of years of Mormon 'brainwashing'. The website with a lot of info. about how Mormonism 'programs' people correctly states:

"It may come as a surprise to many Latter-day Saints, but Mormonism psychologically wounds people with its fear-, guilt-, and shame-inducing teachings and beliefs. Unfortunately, the core message of Mormonism is a fearful one: Obey or the quality of your mortal life will suffer and you will suffer for eternity because you were not faithful to the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during your mortal probation.

"As history has repeatedly shown, instilling fear in people is a very effective way to get them to do what those in authority have wanted. In the context of Mormonism, it is impossible for Latter-day Saints to exercise their free agency when they are being psychologically coerced through fear of negative spiritual consequences during mortality and 'eternal damnation' after death, including being separated from their Mormon family members forever. Mormons are afraid of many things because of how they've been indoctrinated by the LDS Church and psychologically conditioned by Mormonism... It is possible to heal one's psyche/mind from the fears that keep a person from being all that they can be and from experiencing all that life has to offer."

(Ref. http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/ )

Groups of former Latter-day Saints who will understand from their own experience what you're experiencing can be reached via the following websites:

http://www.exmormon.org/helpers.htm

Go to www.postmormon.org. Click on the drop-down menu: Our Community > Post-Mormon Chapters > Chapters in UT

Don't hesitate to post here as often as you feel you need to. You're in good company! In Jan. 2012, ABC News 4 in SLC reported:

"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is losing a record number of its membership. A new report quotes an LDS general authority who said more members are falling away today than any time in the past 175 years.

"At meetings like General Conference, Utahns may be used to seeing members of the LDS Church show up in record numbers. But according to a recent Reuters article citing LDS General Authority Marlin K. Jensen, for the church as a whole, the record in going in a different direction.

"Elder Jensen told the news outlet times have changed, and 'attrition has accelerated in the last five or 10 years.'"

(Ref. http://www.4utah.com/content/news/top_stories/story/Number-of-faithful-Mormons-rapidly-declining/d/story/rvih3gOKxEm5om9IYJYnRA)

In the same week, Reuters reported:

"A religious studies class late last year at Utah State University in Logan, Utah, was unusual for two reasons. The small group of students, faculty and faithful there to hear Mormon Elder Marlin Jensen were openly troubled about the future of their church, asking hard questions. And Jensen was uncharacteristically frank in acknowledging their concerns.

"Did the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints know that members are "leaving in droves?" a woman asked.

"'We are aware," said Jensen, according to a tape recording of his unscripted remarks."

"'My own daughter,' he then added, 'has come to me and said, "Dad, why didn't you ever tell me that Joseph Smith was a polygamist?"' For the younger generation, Jensen acknowledged, 'Everything's out there for them to consume if they want to Google it.' The manuals used to teach the young church doctrine, meanwhile, are 'severely outdated.'

"These are tumultuous times for the faith founded by Joseph Smith in 1830, and the rumbling began even before church member Mitt Romney's presidential bid put the Latter-Day Saints in the spotlight.

"Jensen, the church's official historian, would not provide any figures on the rate of defections, but he told Reuters that attrition has accelerated in the last five or 10 years..."

(Ref. http://uk.reuters.com/article/2012/01/30/uk-mormonchurch-idUKTRE80T1CP20120130)

You wrote that you've "been sick ever since the Brigham stuff came out." A woman related to BY is 72-year-old Sandra Tanner of SLC. The following is part of her story:

"Since I was born and raised in the Mormon church, and am a great-great-grandchild of Brigham Young, I had very strong ties to the Mormon faith. I was about seventeen before I ever attended another church. As a teenager my life centered around the Mormon church. Because I was active and paying my tithing I thought I was in pretty good standing with God. I knew I sinned but I felt my activity in church would somehow outweigh what I did wrong. I believed (as the Mormons teach) that I was inherently good. I had no fear of God's judgment. Besides the things that were wrong in my own life, I began to have doubts about my church. Could it really be the only true church? Was polygamy really right? Why couldn't the Negro hold the priesthood? Was temple marriage really so important? Why were its rites kept such a secret? Did God actually command Mormons to wear special under-garments? I had many questions going through my mind.

"When I started college I enrolled in the Mormon Institute of Religion class. I started asking questions in class, trying to find answers to my doubts. But one day my institute teacher took me aside and told me to please stop asking questions in class. There was a girl attending the class who was thinking of joining the church and I was disturbing her with my questions. What a surprise! I had hoped to find answers to the many things that were bothering me and now I had been silenced.

"Shortly after this I met Jerald and we began studying the Bible and Mormonism together. As we studied I began to see the contradictions between the Bible and the teaching of the Mormon church. I had grown up thinking that Brigham Young was one of the greatest men that ever lived. He was always presented to me as such a holy man—God's prophet, seer, and revelator. Then Jerald had me read some of Brigham Young's sermons in the Journal of Discourses on blood atonement. I was shocked! I knew what Brigham Young was saying was wrong but I couldn't reconcile these sermons with the things I had always been taught concerning him. I knew these were not the words of a prophet of God."

(Ref. http://www.utlm.org/testimony/chworldtestimony.htm )

You might want to contact Sandra. She and her husband (Jerald died in Oct. 2006) have probably done more to inform countless Latter-day Saints about the ACTUAL history of Mormonism, which is a far cry from the propaganda we were all spoon-fed in Sunday School, Primary, Sacrament Meetings, Gen. Conferences, etc.

On YouTube.com, there are several videos involving Sandra. One that you might want to watch is "Why Mormons Leave" (it's excellent) (ref. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGWvhhPpetg ).

Best wishes!

I go back and forth

Some days I experience huge highs from my new perspective.... a very "born again" experience.

Some days I feel sick about it and can't stop the tears.....this is from the fact that, like you, I am entrenched in it. One sister in particular that is making it very hard.

When i discovered the truth and realized my belief in Mormonism was based on false facts taught to me as truths year after year in church, I felt the world was pulled out from under me and I was hanging in space. It was so frightening. It does get better as you get more accustomed to the realization that Mormonism is the structure built on sand. Most of us feel more free once we release ourselves from the bondage of our Mormon beliefs.

I'm sorry you are experiencing all of these feelings, all by yourself. My children left the cult with me, so I wasn't entirely alone--but I lost all of my Mormon friends--and most of my friends were Mormons--because I was taught to associate only with Mormons.

RFM was there for me, any time, day or night. Thank you, RFM! The first Freeatlast was one of the people who responded to my very first post on here, and I'm glad that you can read him tonight! You are in good hands. You are not alone.

I cried, off and on, for several weeks. I didn't sleep at all those first few nights, when I discovered the truth about the Book of Abraham and about Joseph Smith's child brides, and his scams. Anger will soon replace your sorrow. In fact, you will go through all of the stages of grieving, because you have lost the very foundation of your being. Actually, that is a lie! YOU, YOURSELF can provide the best insight and advice. If you have trouble with your identity, or have trouble knowing what to do--just keep on learning! Knowledge is power!

I was unable to just let go of my precious religion. I was BIC, and in a GA family. I was the only divorced person in our completely TBM family, and my children and I were the first to leave the cult. Many other cousins have quit Mormonism, and even more of their children have. The younger generation are leaving in droves.

Instead of throwing everything away, I decided to keep my belief in God and Christ. I would deal with the Joseph Smith hoax first. I could not give up on God. After 7 years, I still am a Christian. I learned that Joseph Smith had nothing to do with God. In some ways, you will find out, the Mormon church is against many of the principles Christ taught (such as Christ's atonement to actually save everyone, unconditional love, putting family ahead of church, giving anonymously, Christ not building any kind of temple, Christ against false prophets, graven images, other Gods, money-grabbing, political campaigning, materialism and malls, etc.)

There is an empty space right now for you, where the Mormon God dominated your universe, where false friends professed their "love" for you for your time, money, and talents. You can fill that with REAL love of others. That's where I started: giving out love. I couldn't love the Mormons at first, so I gave it to my children, pets, old non-Mormon friends, clients and patients, co-workers, little kids, old people at rest homes. There is such a need for love in the world--and it is out there! Love was not to be found in the Mormon church. I and my children suffered physical and mental abuse in the Mormon cult. Even those nights I spent alone, crying, had a bright center--that is, I was growing up, becoming an adult in the real world. I wouldn't trade that for anything!

Remember, you have been brainwashed to fear the world outside of Mormonism. It is all lies. The world is a kind and beautiful place. Go outside for a walk--even in the freezing snow--for a few minutes, and look at the beauty of it. This is what God made. Fill your mind with interesting FACTS, and great music, poetry, fiction. Learn something new every day, and the new information and new interests will push out those old lies and superstitions.

Mormons deliberately shun those who leave their cult, in order to force them to go crawling back to the fold. You will probably be lonely for a season--but there are worse things than loneliness! Yes, this is temporary! (((hugs)))

Forest pal is right - go for a walk in a winter wonderland. Go ice skating, shopping, to a movie, just anything to get out of you house for a while.
And keep writing on this board. YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS HERE WHO KNOW WHAT YOU"VE BEEN THROUGH AND KNOW NOW YOU FEEL.
Tis the season for depression too and that might be part of it. Is this your first holiday season out of the cult?
Celebrate being alive!

I have 49 cousins. Ages68 to 30. It's been decades since i've seen them. They're all TBM as far as I know. I also have approx. 30-40 nieces an nephews.

I'm thinking about sending them all a Christmas card with MormonThink.com in it and a short story of why I left Mormonism.

I have nothing to lose.

Hearing the organisation you belong to admit that the critics were right, it was a racist organisation and is led by uninspired men, will certainly upset members.

It gets better. But it can also get worse.

Good luck on your new journey!

It's been almost two years for me. Like you, I couldn't stop crying for the first few weeks. I didn't tell anyone for months, either. Absolutely hang in there--it will get better. If you have lots of TBM family, there may be hard times ahead. But you can get through it. So many people on the board have had similar experiences and prevailed. You can, too!

I would say, cry it out whenever you need to, and find some good music to listen to that makes you feel happy or comforted. I went through the same thing 11 months ago. While looking for things to strengthen my testimony, I came across some information that proved how the Book of Mormon was plagiarized. It rocked my world, and I put my head down and cried. For the next 3 weeks or so I would cry in random places at home or at work uncontrollably. It was as if someone had died. Which was kind of true. A part of me was dying. But the good part is you have a lot to look forward to. You will change into the kind of person that YOU want to be, and do the things that YOU want to do. Be a good person because you want to, not because you have to. My wife and I left together with our children. If you live near within an hour or two of North Ogden and want to talk with my wife or I send us an email at curelomandcumom@gmail.com.

It's a hard process but very rewarding once you begin to really love living your life and being yourself.

If it helps this was the post I made like yours, when my world started crashing down.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,759263,759269

Posting and reading here will also help you feel TONS better! It's the best medicine that can be prescribed for loosing your religion.

strongandresilient Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am one of those fence sitters, but things are
> making it easier to go to this side.
>
> I have been sick ever since the Brigham stuff came
> out. It is the thing I needed to hear.
>
> Problem is, my ENTIRE life has been engulfed in
> the church. I feel sick, sad, lost, and sooooooo
> alone. I live right in the heart of Utah, and
> literally have no one to talk to about how lost I
> feel.
>
> I feel so strange and disconnected. I am worried
> because I suffer from anxiety, and I don't want to
> be pushed over the edge in my mind. I just need
> to know some of you suffered this sick, lost
> feeling and got through it.
>
> I just can't stop the tears from flowing today,
> and I honestly don't know why they are so fierce
> today.

I left the Church last week. That wasn't why I left, but it sure as heck didn't help. The thing is, you have to do what's RIGHT.