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Posted by: anybody ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 03:56AM

Family feuds are tough to deal with -- separation from family because of religion is not easy to deal with either. Sibling rivalry kept Joan de Havilland and Olivia de Havilland from speaking to each other for decades long after everyone else in their family was dead. They never reconciled with each other. Never stop trying -- before it's too late.

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Posted by: Senoritalamanita ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 09:36AM

I love Joan Fontaine -- she stands among my favorite actresses, especially in her performance as Rebecca. I wonder if she went to her death regretting her decision to remain forever parted from her sister.

I agree with what you say about reconciliation. Never stop trying.

We all have finite lives -- and only a small time on earth to be with our spouses, mother and father, brothers and sisters.

Sometimes we can't even remember the nature of the argument that led to a spat with a loved one -- but the rift remains.

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Posted by: Glo ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 10:53AM

Some sisters have incompatible personalities and should not be forced to "kiss and make up".

It is not up to outsiders to pressure people to reconcile.

The Fontaine sisters decided for themselves who they wanted to have in their lives, let's give them some credit for being able to chose what was best for themselves.

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Posted by: spaghetti oh ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 10:53AM

I disagree. I think it's perfectly ok for people to sever ties, or just drift apart. Just because two people are related doesn't necessarily mean there's a relationship worth preserving.

Sometimes the healthiest act is to remain apart.

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Posted by: Schaffner ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 11:29AM

Oh wow! Joan Fontaine and Peter O'Toole both gone. I know some people who knew Joan and Olivia de Haviland. They grew up in a town near me. They all say that they were both very nice.

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Posted by: sonoma ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 12:19PM

There are over 7 billion people on the earth. If having a close relationship with those who share more genes with you isn't working out well, there are PLENTY of others in the EXTENDED human family with which to create a family of choice.

Just because nature has thrown you together with toxic family members, doesn't mean you shouldn't jettison them for people who love, respect, and treat you as you deserve to be treated.

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Posted by: cynthus ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 12:21PM

Sorry but-- I have found that sometimes it is better to stay away from a toxic family-- Go ahead if you want.

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 01:39PM

My opinion? It was the sister's lives to live as they chose. It's really none of our business.

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Posted by: Paintinginthewin ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 08:49PM

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Posted by: Dave in Long Beach ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 02:18PM

Clearly the De Havilland sisters were blessed with genes that gave them outstanding looks, the ability to appear natural on camera, and the capacity for grudgeholding and lifelong estrangement.

Sure, from the outside it would be "better" if they were best friends, but who knows what they were both feeling? Clearly the estrangement worked for them, AND they'll be talking about it 100 years from now as the classic Hollywood story. Hurrah to both of them for playing their parts so well.

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Posted by: sparta ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 02:25PM

To be blunt, that is crap advice.

Some people are born into fabulous families, and can bridge the chasm that disagreements cause.

Others are born into families where abuse, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual, or religious, is the norm. I see no compelling reason why I should attempt reconciliation with such people simply because I share DNA with them.

The saying is "You can't choose your family, but you CAN choose your friends".

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Posted by: paintinginthewin ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 09:01PM

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Posted by: anon 21 ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 03:24PM

You don't know the why of the broken relationship. If its important or trivial, take everyone to a counselor. Counselors WILL tell you to stop trying to have a relationship with the psycopath or wtf are you no longer talking to your sister because she is no longer Mormon or got the doughnut you wanted. Too many people are forced into toxic relationships and become co dependent because of what others think.

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Posted by: Aurora ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 09:23PM

I agree with those who say one shouldn't always try to get back together.

It's true that if one person in your family has the type of brain that's psychopathic that person will make sure you suffer forever. See

It's a very real abnormal brain & about 1 out of every 100 people has it.

It's very different from "psychotic" which means insane.

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Posted by: Pooped ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 03:42PM

My sister has a textbook personality disorder. Her name should be in the DSM as a classic example. I love my sister. I never turn her away when she asks for help or calls. HOWEVER, I know she can/will turn on me in a flash for the most trivial of reasons. I also know she cares nothing about me. I may share her DNA but she has no true caring for me. Her life revolves around her. I don't hate her but I don't enjoy her either. Most of all I fear her as she has done some pretty scary things. What works best is to keep my mouth shut whenever I'm forced to be around her. I've been fortunate to live most of my life far from her by choice and that has worked really well. But now, with my mother aging and my sister unable to care for her properly, I am forced to be in much closer contact than is really comfortable for me. It is a strain to endure contact with my sister as she can be sweet as honey one minute and turn vicious in a flash. I've never done anything to set her off but it happens anyway. It's just her.

My two cents is that there is a big difference between a relative who holds onto a grudge and a relative who has a disordered mind. Either way, one needs to protect themselves both emotionally and physically from damaging people. Amen.

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Posted by: Tahoe Girl ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 04:27PM

Agreed, Pooped. That has been my experience as well.


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Posted by: adoylelb ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 08:47PM

I agree, sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to distance yourself from a toxic relative. I have a mentally unstable uncle who I decided that it was best to completely cut off contact with him. If spending time with toxic relatives is causing one stress related health problems, then it's often best to avoid that toxic person. Believe me, making that decision to cut that toxic relative out of my life wasn't easy, but in the end, my health was starting to suffer.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 05:19PM

Don't keep up day to day interactions with those who are mean and toxic. Who would waste their lives in such a hurtful way?

Not me.

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Posted by: onlinemoniker ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 05:44PM

"Can't remember the nature of the argument the spat led to?"

People who are estranged from family members aren't estranged because of a trivial spat.

It's not like TSCC where people leave simply because they were offended.

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Posted by: madalice ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 06:05PM

I would rather go back to church than have to be anywhere near some of the people in my family.

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Posted by: secretnotsacred ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 09:22PM

The male parental unit died a couple years ago. I had not seen him for more than 20 years. I heard he never changed and he was a self centered child abusing bully. Never regretting cutting those ties years ago. I only wished I had the guts to do it sooner.

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Posted by: anybody ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 09:31PM

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Posted by: Mr. Happy ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 09:40PM

Just curious - Why is reconciling so important?

"Never stop trying -- before it's too late." Why?

I have enjoyed much greater peace since cutting my toxic family out of my life years ago. Why in the world would I want to go back to that?

I'm not getting it.

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: December 16, 2013 10:35PM

I've never actually cut out anyone in my family, but there are certain relatives that I'm glad have died, because I don't have to listen to all of their racist, gossip-y, two-faced, ignorant dreck anymore.

Like my step-grandfather, who--before my birth--was an active KKK member in his home state and was very proud of it...before he moved across a number of states to get to the state where I was born. A totally hateful, despicable, cruel, abusive man--not ever to me, but to my Mom, my Aunt, and to their two step-siblings: my other aunt and my uncle. The day he died was one of the better days of my life, because after that I didn't have to be scared of him anymore.

Some people, for very good reasons, deserve to be cut out of their relatives' lives.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/16/2013 10:36PM by tevai.

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