When we married, I was still pretty conservative in my political / social views, and she was more liberal. As I experienced more post-mission life and opened my mind up to other views, I shifted, gradually at first and then quickly, to become very very liberal. For a while this involved me bending around in knots to try and harmonize my then LDS belief system with my emerging liberal political views.

My wife also became more liberal during this time, but didn't end up quite as far as I did in the end. Gay marriage became an important issue for me because of how high profile it was, and we both ended up on the pro marriage equality side. The issue contributed greatly to the cognitive dissonance I experienced and which led me to reject the LDS church.

Since I left the church (and religion entirely), it seems like DW has taken a hard right turn, ideologically. I thought she still fully supported marriage equality, and for the same reasons that I do, so when I heard about the court decision striking down Utah's gay marriage ban I was excited and I asked if she'd heard.

I expect smiles and high fives and general happy vibes.

Her actual response was to scream at me about how much she doesn't care and wishes people would just shut up about it. She said we should just let it happen because it is going to happen anyway and then people can stop shoving it all in her face everywhere she looks.

I haven't seen her this angry in a long while.

I sense that she is having a hard time with the church, but she isn't willing to consider the possibility that the church is in the wrong. When she goes on Sunday and they say "gay bad, gay so bad, gay so very bad!" she has to figure out how she can be in favor of something that god says is "super duper bad." In the case of Utah, you can't really discuss the ruling without the LDS church looming over the discussion like a shadow, and me being excited about the ruling is definitely coming across as me gloating about a huge victory against the Morg.

I'm hoping this cog dis will build up and that eventually she'll be willing to consider things without assuming that the church is true.

Everyone has their take on the ruleing that just took place. For me I'm not so concerned over who should marry or not marry, who should have rights and not have rights. What gets me is that the federal judges judged against what the majority of the people want. Here in Utah, the West, and the nation as a whole.

Talk to your wife some more (if she's not too moody :) and see what her changing phylosophies might be at present.

The desire of a majority cannot take away the legal rights of minorities.

Federal law trumps state law - that's why Judge Shelby ruled as he did.

Actually, the path was already outlined by Scalia.

Yes, and that federal law is based on the U.S. CONSTITUTION.

And the prophets have told us that Jesus himself had a hand in the US CONSTITUTION

This is a republic, not a democracy. It doesn't matter what the majority wants if they're violating the rights of the minority.

+ 1000.

Same points were made here in California, and will likely be made in every state that takes up the cause of marriage equality.

Thank GOD we have federal judges to ensure that laws and referendums passed by "the mob" pass a constitutional filter.



Miscegenation Laws

Legalized Slavery Laws

Segregation Laws

Prohibition Laws

Native American Marginalization Laws



Yes, "the mob" definitely has a sullied past when it comes to protecting the minority of any given population.

I shudder to consider what life would be like were "the mob" allowed to rule. Especially as a libertarian-leaning agnostic.

You say,"What gets me is that the federal judges judged against what the majority of the people want."

The constitution takes precedence over public opinion. How could it be otherwise? How could the South ever have been desegregated if the courts had gone along with "what the majority of people want?"

Rulings are not supposed to be made according to popularity contests. Not sure how you have missed this detail in your education to date.

+1,000

I would guess that if you go out of your way to let her know how much you love her for who she is as an individual, independent of Moism, that she will come around regarding the TSCC. I sure hope so.

have a meltdown in front of me--but she did post something on fb about it--about she's not really sure how she feels, but she is tired of people telling her she is just wrong, that she wasn't going to state exactly how she felt, etc. What you posted about what your wife said sounded pretty similar.

Given that my daughter's father is gay does cause cog dis for my daughter.

My daughter was anti-mormon not so many years ago. She is over the top TBM now and my therapist says he thinks she has to keep reinforcing her beliefs as doubts continue to seep in. She must post she sustains Monson at the very least once a day on fb.

wow that's crazy. Whatever keeps her going I suppose!

'religion' SHOULD NEVER BE A WEDGE BETWEEN PEOPLE, ESP. FAMILY MEMBERS!

Facebook and Twitter have been very active this week with rulings in two states (UT and NM) plus the Duck Dynasty gay comments. Wherever you fall on the issue, if you took a side on any of these events, you got yourself a freshly ripped a** hole. I have family members who won't be coming to holiday dinners this week and now refuse to see each other. One family member on the left "defriended" a sibling because he liked a boycott meme for A&E. One on the right is pulling the plug on a family dinner because a BIL cheered for the Utah ruling. I've heard this same story over and over and over. Stupid whichever side you fall on. So maybe your wife posted something or liked something and now she's in a fight with a friend or family member.

It used to be people could agree to disagree. Now, with social media, you can become firmly entrenched in your opinion and will have half your friends back you up and the other half flame you. Sad.

it is sad, especially since the duck dynasty family is fake. They are not even rednecks. Their SIL was a reality show producer who decided to use her family as the cast. They are indeed, just a cast of well paid actors. And families are splitting up over this? I'm proud to be an American, but how duh can you get?

I don't watch the show, but I thought it was fake from the get go. & my realization the it was fake was confirmed when I found out that Phil is a multi-degreed former educator.

I suspect that your wife may need to first lose her belief in the church, as I did, in order to come around completely on these issues. I started to fantasize, just a little, about setting up house with another man in the 2000s when I still believed, but I could never take it seriously until I learned the truth about the church. Once it's removed, she'll probably be a-okay.

"Honey, I'm sorry I upset you the other day. I just assumed you'd be as happy as I am about that judge's ruling since you were in favor of marriage equality in the past. I know how difficult it is to hold an opinion contrary to Church policy, so I'll try to make things easier for you by avoiding the subject when I can."

This "apology" stablishes that:

--You weren't gloating over the Church's loss in the courts

--You remember how she REALLY feels about same sex marriage (and she should too)

--She's not really angry with you, but at her cog-dis over Church policy

--This position taken by the Church will be ret-conned into "policy" instead of "doctrine" in a decade or two

Great response.

Or simply "I'm sorry I upset you. It really doesn't matter to me where you stand on political/religious issues. I was just trying to make conversation and now realize I picked the wrong topic. Do you want to go look at Christmas lights together or something?"

People at church critize her views directly in her face if they knew her or see through her they wouldn't approve of her

People at ho-ome hisagree or half way agree with her but directly disagree with her heri tage behavioral culture (that would be religion ) her sense of past, self, generations.

She can't win. This is futility. Catch 22 s like this drive people crazy to self harm self hate despair depression. Don't push unless youre a therapist & if you are youd know better than to do psychological inductions on your own spouse you'd hire someone else to coach or counsel them.

Be her advocate.

Flip the dynamic so she has you on her team in her mind you are on her side; that you approve of her / x things you do things you say being together. Pile on the praise. Proof is in the positive you make her see- beleive it. Dont argue it. Have her know she wont fail you wont fai her your world, its about her. Then she wins. That worldoutside (make a gesture wave a wand) its gonna change,go away, but youre gonna be here with me today....make that attitude go BIG in your house.