Every time I get together for family trips I have insomnia. The last several years it has gotten really bad and I wasn't able to attend Christmas this year. My spouse and child left without me and I am here alone for the next few days. Just came back from eating Texas Roadhouse alone and almost in tears throughout the entire meal. I have been diagnosed with OCD, Tourette's, Major Depression, Anxiety, and who knows what the hell else. My insomnia is so terrible right now that life is too difficult to deal with. I can't open up to my family because they will more than likely blame my mental downward spiral on leaving the church. I am in my early 30s and don't know how much more of life I can take. Every single day is a battle. Today I can't stop thinking about suicide. I suppose since leaving the church I have stopped believing in an afterlife and my fear of nothingness leaves me too afraid of death to end my life. I have been to countless psychiatric doctors and on more medication than I can name and nothing has helped. Therapy hasn't helped either. I feel like I am such a burden on my family and my child that they would be better off without me at this point. I wouldn't mind being hospitalized for a period of time but am afraid that my sleep will be really bad. The hardest part is I used to be a relatively normal person. I'm a college graduate. Growing up I dated a lot and had a ton of friends. I was the person that everyone wanted to be around (the life of the party.) My husband thought that he had found quite the catch when we got married. Little did he know what awaited him. I have deteriorated over the last decade. I had a child before I began to get sick and have struggled to be a functioning parent. I am the only member of my family to have left the church and that has made me feel all the more isolated and alone. I'm sorry if this downer of a story puts a damper on your Christmas Eve but you are the only people that I can talk to right now. Even though I know that the church is a fraud I can't help but wonder if I am somehow being punished from God. Especially days like this one that are particularly bleak.

So you are saying that the insomnia has gotten really bad and you are frustrated and sick. You are saying that you are too afraid of death now and unable to live your life.
Please keep posting.

+1

I don't know what to say to you that will help, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and that you are not alone -- I care. I have bipolar disorder and some days are worse than others. I'm so sorry you are having a bleak day. Insomnia is awful. Be assured, though, that God is not punishing you.

Life can get better. I know that. Peace to you. Stay safe, find distractions from your feelings. I'll be thinking of you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 06:20PM by safetynotguaranteed.

First you are valued and needed here on Earth . You are NOT being punished by God . You have a child that will always need you and especially later in life . You need to be around good people or friends . Move your focus outward and away from inward . Good LIVELY music helps . Pamper yourself with some good food . We're always here for a little venting . You can do this . Whenever I personally think things are going rough , I think of others who are in far more dire straights than me , and am thankful things aren't even worse . Merry Christmas and hope for a better New Year .

I dont think you should be alone now. Can you go get in the car and join your husband and child? Does he/they know how you're feeling? Im very concerned about your current state.

I honestly don't know how to respond to your post except to say that things tend to get better with time. I hope that you will continue to reach out and that others will be able to offer support. I wish you all the best in finding true happiness.

Been there, 5 times attempted. Life is good now. Hang in there.

Hi,how brave and inspirational of you to post your story here.
Do not in any way let yourself feel inferior because you were smart enough to figure out the church is a fraud.

Trust me,you are not being punished for leaving,you are just going through a really tough time in your life.I am really sorry to hear about this.It must be very difficult for you.

You have many talents and positive things happening in your life,I hope you will trust me on this.


You are very lucky to have a college degree.You are very lucky to have an attractive personality which people are often drawn to.You are blessed with a child and husband.And you are blessed to have figured out the truth about the church.

I once again applaud your honesty and really,Really hope you will be ok on your own tomorrow.Maybe you could use your time posting an exit story here for us or whatever you feel like doing.

I often enjoy some free time away from my family too and enjoy when they go out of town and I am home alone.

Please stay safe,know that there are people here to listen and those out there that can help you.Looking forward to you keeping us updated!

First of all, warm big hugs to you. Christmas and the holidays can bring up many feelings. Please seek help and fine someone to talk to TODAY. Seek help at an ER near you or call this number:

Suicide Hotline Info 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I hope you feel much better soon.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 06:19PM by Senoritalamanita.

Being alone through the holidays is hard enough, but having insomnia and depression too is awful.

When I'm depressed and alone, I try to focus on something that gives me even a little comfort. Sometimes it's remembering some special time I had, like a hike or a trip or something. Sometimes it's just treating myself to a gourmet coffee or semething small like that. Thinking of things besides how awful you feel (if you can) will help.

Ok in just about 3 minutes you have 8 people ready and willing to listen to you post. Get a cup of coffee or chamomile tea and set on down and type.
When we reach the end start another thread saying con't.
You got out for the meal. and you said eating it made you feel worse.

You're not alone. I would guess the majority of people have felt suicidal and depressed at some point in their lives. Also, just remember that when you're feeling like you are, you can't judge accurately how others would feel if you were gone. You may think they'd be better off, but I bet they would be much much worse off. Suicide has a lifelong impact on those you leave behind - they will never get over it.

Spouse and Child are across the country for Christmas so I will have to make the best of it for now. Thanks for all of your posts so far I appreciate it.

Is there someone nearby you could go out with or have come over or even call? Talking to others is good, especially when you're too hurting to want to - that's when you need it most.

We care, we are here for you.

Me and my parrot who is at this moment eating the f**king computer keyboard! ;o))

Crazy bird!!!

Hi. First, I am hearing what you have to say. And it's important to get that out. I am just a listener but I hope that helps. I'm alone this Christmas and feeling very depressed myself. You said a couple of things I can comment on. I have no idea what awaits us -- if anything -- after we die. But I kinda think we should find that out when we go by accident or disease. So let's just see what the rest of our time on earth has in store for us. I getcha when you say you feel like a burden on your family. I've been there. My latest thought on that is that I will work on amends once I get myself better. That's gotta be my primary goal -- otherwise I'm worthless. But I do believe we can, and will, work on ourselves. I do not know any issues with your church, but can hear that they add to the heaviness in your heart. I'm sorry. I'm with you. Please reply with just a few words and let us know if our words have been a respite from your feelings of suicide. Thanks, you sound cool.

PLEASE! Hang on! Please Call 1-800-273-8255 listed as a Sticky on the top of this forum!

I can understand your feeling so down. You've had a rough time with leaving the LDS church. You've lost the support of your family. You're home alone. You can't sleep. That can be Hell!

Christmas Eve is a living Hell for someone in your situation. All the Holiday cheer around you seems to be mocking you now. Don't give in to your depression.

Please, don't give up. This Board understands your situation. That's why we post the Suicide Hotline on this board as a sticky. 1-800-273-8255.

When nothing seems to help you feel better physically and mentally, it seems hopeless.

Before you give up, try something different. Read about the modern diet. I have found in my life that what you feed your body can have a profound effect on your physical and mental health. Many of the mainstream foods that are supposed to be good for you may not be for YOU. Everyone reacts differently, but with a little study and discipline you may find that something you are eating is having negative effects on your body and mind.

Isn't it worth a shot? Do some reading and you may find some clues that apply to cause and effect. What you feed your body matters. What some can tolerate, others cannot.

I urge you to do some investigating. It could make all the difference.

Oh,also just to say that I know from experience that medication can have a profound impact on emotions so this could help explain why you are extra down at the moment.

Thanks again for posting,you never know who could be reading this and relating.

Not only does everyone think about suicide once in their life, there are people who think about suicide every day of their lives. People who are in great pain, people who are unable to sleep because of great agony. Therapy has not helped. Medications have not helped. You wouldn't mind a therapy stay in a mental health hospital but for some reason you haven't taken that step.

You said your family was away for a few days. You have a 72 hour hospital stay if you call the police and say, Hi. I'm going to kill myself.

If you remember Monk, the TV show, Monk had tourettes and OCD. When the show stopped people were tremendously upset. Because especially with all the neurologic issues, the character was extremely loved. Drove people crazy sometimes but was extremely loved.

"Every time I get together for family trips I have insomnia"
When Mormons come out, people think that their church is being attacked, not as you explaining Your reasons for your emotions. They make their thinking and listening autobiographical.
You care about their judgements. You feel that your condition is embarrassing. Tell us more.

Are you for real, Anon 21? Your advice verges on dangerous and absurd. I don't think you are qualified to help the OP, who is in obvious need of immediate medical assistance.

Anon 4 This, please call 911 immediately.

I wish I had something inspirational to tell you.

For what it's worth, yesterday I was feeling somewhat suicidal, combination of things, holiday, the church, etc.

If you're up to doing some exercise, I personally find that helps me feel alot better about life.

I just had a former coworker take his life a couple weeks ago. You're definitely not alone in the feelings or frustration at life.

I too know intellectually that the church is a fraud but wonder if there isn't a God out there punishing me sometimes. Some sort of cruel sick joke. I really don't think that's what is going on, but I understand feeling that way. The better explanation is probably just that life sucks sometimes. Some people are luckier than others.

Everyone is away at family gatherings. I prefer to not let relatives know I am depressed because its embarrassing and they will assume I am depressed because I left the church. About a month ago I finally did write a coming out letter to my very intelligent logical father. I wrote a list of the shocking reasons I could no longer believe in the church. The facts that proved Joseph Smith was a fraud. He said that all of my sources were secondary not primary sources, whatever that means, and nothing stood out to him as particularly damaging. WTF! I listed like the top 20 most damaging facts. He assumed all of my information was anti-Mormon. For family to know I am depressed and suicidal now that they assume I am anti-Mormon would make them feel justified in their judgments.

"Every time I get together for family trips I have insomnia"
When Mormons come out, people think that their church is being attacked, not as you explaining Your reasons for your emotions. They make their thinking and listening autobiographical.
You care about their judgements. You feel that your condition is embarrassing. Tell us more.
Do you have some tea or something warm to drink.

Oh man, to feel that way and have a judging family sucks. Welcome to Moronism. Once again, you can't be yourself or be honest.

Just remember that you deserve better. You don't deserve any of this shit. You have to keep fighting. You'll get out of the hole and someday look back and it will be a distant thing and you'll be happy. Don't fail yourself on this one. Fight back. You're accountable to that wonderful child you once were and who was the victim of bad circumstances -fight back on her behalf if for no one else. Remember her? She's still there inside you hoping for better.

I am sorry to hear of your situation, please listen to the posters here. You have value, right now, right where you are!

I have to ask though, what kind of husband deserts his wife at a time like this? I can't understand that.

I suppose it is frustrating to have a mental illness and question your own sanity at times. Why of my 30 extended family members am I the only ones that sees the fraud. Am I crazy??? I have a mental illness but am I crazy too? It's like the "Emperors New Clothes" scenario. I am the only one who sees the Emperor is naked and everyone else sees him clothed. People that are far more intelligent, educated, and sane minded than myself see the Emperor fully clothed. How is that possible?

Oh believe me,it's possible alright.

It's like one part of their minds whole-heartedly believes this fairytale.The fact that many others around them also believe helps to keep them believing.Count yourself very lucky to be free!!

So you are saying that because you have a mental illness, you feel that you may be more crazy because you alone are not LDS. You feel that you are the only one in your family with a mental disease and you are the only one in your family who sees Mormonism for a fraud?

anon 4 this, I have to go feed the homeless now. I will be back in a couple of hours. But you have loneliness in your life because you feel you are more crazy than the people you can associate with because they downgrade your value based on mental conditions that you consider to be embarrassing.

Look at the logic of this statement.

You could easily still be suffering from postpartum depression from a hormonal shift from the child birth. But right now, you are away from your family and you have to answer no questions.

Now, are you being punished by God? You have idle hands and uninhibited thought that goes with OCD and Tourette's. Go down to a shelter and help hand out food and warm clothing. Discard value judgements that have nothing to do with you but have to do with your extended family carefully guarding their own turf. Worst you can get is frozen fleas.

You have been going through a very traumatic change with your finding out about the fraud the LDS church is. Your family has written you off and are actually hoping you'll come crawling back to the LDS. Screw 'em. We're here for you.

You deserve a hug and a huge complement for your bravery. Be easy on yourself. You accomplished a great thing. Departing the LDS Church can be tough.

This Board has responded to your cry for help. Stay online and post as often as you need. There will probably be more posters on here as the night wears on.

WELCOME to RfM!!

I just took an hour and a half walk with my dog in our neighborhood. It was dark. At least one out of every 5 houses showed no indication of any celebration of Christmas and many, many houses looked like people were home alone. I am also alone this holiday.

Take a walk. You'll feel better.

Then watch a funny movie. Try to get your mind off it until this stupid day passes and your husband and child return.

Don't worry, the therapy will eventually work. Keep it up.

Hi. I am my mother's daughter. She left and told me to keep this line open.
She's right about the fleas.

Things. Get. Better.
Also, the church really is a crock of ****.
**** the primary sources stuff.
Stay around long enough to see your old man out of the church.
Our family of 5 left last week.
If only someone helped get us out earlier.
Thank you to JR for helping me see common sense and truth.
I'm sure there are people who need you

Where are you?

Still Here checking in from time to time. Thanks :)

Please do. We're here for you.

I'm so sorry for you. Leaving mormonism is at times very tough and lonely. Hang in there, it will be worth it. As someone with a bunch of diagnosis of mental disorder myself I can totally sympathize with your plight there aswell. It gets better with time and experience.

You are not crazy. Mental disorder does not equate being stupid or crazy or irrational or wrong. Get the help you need, you are not alone and alot of good ideas have been offered already. We are here for you aswell.

I'm more than willing to give you my email address where you can give me your phone number and we can b s until the cows come home . I have unlimited minutes on an iPhone .

Am sincerely sorry the holiday is bringing you down. But next Christmas or the one after may be the best Christmas of your life. Please give it a chance to happen! Wishing you peace in your heart and mind.

Please keep posting so we know you're OK. Thanks!

Be strong!

This is a wonderful, supportive community. Please notice all of the support you have had in an evening. These people are here for you, they will check on you, not only tonight but for weeks, months, and years to come. Lifelong friendships have been formed on this board. Please continue to post throughout the night, and tomorrow, and in the days to come. You have a home here. You belong.

I think your insomnia is a big part of it. You should try to get to sleep any way you can. I'm sorry you're having such a lousy Christmas. I hope you're okay.

You are describing feelings that are famliar to me. I commend you for your honesty. I validate that you are going through very difficult feelings and experiences but they are not caused by you. You were wise to contact the friends on this board who understand and care. You are in a grief cycle and the pain will ease up. Get whatever help you need because you are worth it.
This is what I do when I can't fall asleep despite chamomile tea: Deep slow breaths with long exhales. I set goals to reach 20 breaths, then 40, etc. I put the computer in another room. Clear my mind. Slow, deep breathing. I cuddle up to a pillow. Slow, deep breathing. Repeat. Sweet dreams.

I'm back. In a bad mood right now, but back.

Still here and will be up till I finally feel sleepy. Who knows when that will be. Thanks for being my only friends in the world tonight!

I know for myself that when I have been sleep-deprived for a long period things get way "out there"---way out of perspective.


When I get into the cycle of no sleep or lousy sleep, I PUSH myself, and I do mean push myself, to EXERCISE. I really think it helps, and when I have shared this with others, it has came to their rescue also. Do anything active---jumping jacks, turn on some music you like and dance, skip around your house, etc. etc.

I hope this helps. Know that I do care and can tell you from my own experience that when I was low and others were there for me, it did help and the horrible low, low feeling you have can pass.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad today. When we are depressed we think all kind of things that aren't true. Sometimes when I am really depressed I kind of realize how ridiculous some of the things I am thinking are, but I still believe them somehow and I can't seem to escape from putting myself down and thinking I am an awful person. I am sure your child and your husband love you and want you in their life. When we love someone we don't expect them to be perfect and we keep loving them even when they are having trouble. Go easy on yourself. When you are having a good day then go ahead and try to do a little more and if you are having a bad day just accept that you will have to pull back until you feel better. I have a major problem with perfectionism and it sounds like you might have some of that to. That is probably the biggest thing that helps me with my depression is to try and let some of that go. It is a constant battle but with time I think we can learn to accept ourselves. Are there any ex-mormon groups in your area? I think it would really help to have people you can talk to about leaving the church especially in this initial transition period. You are definitely not alone, there are thousands of us who have left the church. Your family will think what they want about you and tell whatever stories they have to tell themselves to preserve their belief. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them join you at some point but in the meantime just do what you feel is right and don't worry what they think. That is all any of us can really do.

I think Anon 21 is being highly irresponsible here, suggesting that "Anon 4 This" put alcohol in her juice or another beverage to help her sleep. The original poster is depressed and has told us that she is under a doctor's care. We cannot possibly know if she is on medication that when mixed with alcohol could cause her harm or a coma, or worse.

One must not mix psychotropic drugs, antidepressants, sleep aids, relaxants or sedatives with alcohol.

In a separate post, the OP has admitted to being a user of sleeping pills.

Anon 4 This, please please, seek help at an emergency room now. We are not doctors or psychiatrists. We care about you but we cannot prescribe remedies for you, or substitute for psychological or psychiatric care.

People of RFM, generally when someone admits to being suicidal, in the past we have been instructed only to provide the poster with the suicide prevention hotline, which is listed at the top of board at all times.

Here is that number:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,442199



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 10:34PM by Senoritalamanita.

Please seek help. We care about you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 10:26PM by presleynfactsrock.

I hope you are feel much better now. Keep on posting unless you are asleep. We'll keep the light on for you.

Hugs!

I do find in my in own case amitriptyline aka Elavil helps me sleep in higher doses and also has anti depressant qualities. Talk to your MD and find something to help you sleep and I bet you will feel somewhat better.

No worries I don't ever drink. I do know that you can't mix sleeping pills with alcohol because it will increase the affect of both substances. Thanks for your concern :)

But I do worry, and I want you to call 911.