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Posted by: I guess anon today ( )
Date: December 27, 2013 08:14PM

So, I am sitting here knitting and having imaginary conversations with my tbm parents. I believe this is because I have chosen not to be a part of holiday family activities this week and I have out of town siblings that I haven't seen, maybe I am feeling a bit of guilt for not making an effort to see them yet.

But, my thoughts are dwelling on the relationships that are between different family members. Most of my siblings have that mormon fairy tale relationship with my parents, with each other, and with each other's children. I am often the one that no one contacts about family events and gatherings, it is not unheard of for siblings to arrive in town, and then leave, without my even knowing of it. It's not unheard of for family events to happen without an extended invitation, and it's not unheard of for invites to be extended, but not with enough advanced notice to be effective.

I am wondering with the fairy tale relationships, if my parents have the courage and strength to stand up for them when they didn't have the balls to stand up for me...and I know back story is now needed...

In high school, a teacher abused his authority and engaged me in a relationship, that became sexual, and that lasted for a few years. As a teen, I believed I had complete control over the situation, as an adult, I realize this was abuse. Eventually, this relationship was discovered.

Over the course of some time, I was forced into confessing to the bishop, I was forced into turning myself into the sherif, forced to see an emotionally abusive therapist, forced into substance abuse rehab, forced out of my family home and into the home of my abuser. I haven't lived at home since and I put myself through as much school as I could afford.

Now, I am sitting here, imagining the fairy tales that are happening elsewhere, and wondering why my parents blamed the victim.

I know why. It's what they have been taught, cult mentality. It still hurts. And it still hurts, that in some way, I still long to be a part of their fairy tale. It's a two edged sword, I want the fairy tale, but I really don't. I know that much of my family is judgmental and bigoted, and it is never really nice to be around them for long.

I am okay. I am very happy to be the person I have become, I am happy to be home with my little family.

But, I am still wrestling with events that happened years ago, maybe because I can still hear the echoes once in a while.

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate that the RfM community is here for times like this :)

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Posted by: exldsdudeinslc ( )
Date: December 27, 2013 08:33PM

You think you want the fairy tale because it's what you grew up with and what's familiar. But you don't REALLY want it, and you know it.

I'm dealing with a similar situation. I recently (very recently) left the church and because of it the brother I was closest to has become very judgmental and overbearing. He was already a downer before now (all we'd tend to do is bitch and moan about our mom who is a mentally demented) but now I'm not sure I can really have a relationship with him. That leaves me with....nothing.

So, no family to rely on is a scary thought. And a lonely one. The pretend relationship you talk about speak so true to me, because that's all my family is, it's everyone playing a part in a play. Everything awkward is swept under the rug and everyone goes on playing like everything is just dandy.

It's not dandy. It's a fucking mess.

So, I'm not sure I have any sage advice or anything, but it's good to know I'm not alone. Because I feel very alone right now.

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Posted by: was family first ( )
Date: December 27, 2013 08:36PM

I had just typed this long response to you and hit the wrong key and it was gone.

I said I was sorry that your parents threw you under the bus rather than stand by you. I said that in dysfunctional systems, including family systems, they always blame the victim for the abuse as it releases them in their own minds from any blame and responsibility. It is common.

I said that when you needed them most they weren't there and in real fairy tales, there is always a monster or a dragon or a big bad witch and had they stood by you..they could have battled the dragon with you.

I also said that your family is living a fairy tale as their relationship is made up, false and if ever one of your siblings quit living the so called perfect status quo of mormonhood, you're parents will drop them like a hot potato as well.

I also said that you yearn for what it seems like they have because you are a good person, who still cares.

I also said you can build your own fairy tale with your little family. You can be all to your family that your parents never were with you. You can make new memories and new traditions and you can stop that cycle of cult mental/emotional abuse (which is the real dragon in the lives of LDS) and you will have a happier and healthier, more well adjusted family than all of them put together.

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Posted by: closer2fine ( )
Date: December 27, 2013 08:37PM

Im glad you posted..... this is a great place to process experiences like yours....... makes me angry the way your parents handled it. It's amazing how the church has created this crazy culture where the victim is guilted and in a crazy way punished. And now all these years later you're still treated as if they are punishing you..... I'm sorry that this has been your experience, and glad you find happiness in your current situation.


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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: December 27, 2013 09:09PM

A counselor friend of mine once said, "everyone has holes in their socks" -- meaning that all people have their own sorrows and disappointments, but just like holes in socks you don't always see them evident. So just remember that every time you think about their "fairy tale" lives. What looks like a fairy tale isn't necessarily so. Really, how good can it be for them when your family members are so lacking in love, compassion, and empathy?

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/27/2013 09:09PM by summer.

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