I guess anon today
Date: December 27, 2013 08:14PM
So, I am sitting here knitting and having imaginary conversations with my tbm parents. I believe this is because I have chosen not to be a part of holiday family activities this week and I have out of town siblings that I haven't seen, maybe I am feeling a bit of guilt for not making an effort to see them yet.
But, my thoughts are dwelling on the relationships that are between different family members. Most of my siblings have that mormon fairy tale relationship with my parents, with each other, and with each other's children. I am often the one that no one contacts about family events and gatherings, it is not unheard of for siblings to arrive in town, and then leave, without my even knowing of it. It's not unheard of for family events to happen without an extended invitation, and it's not unheard of for invites to be extended, but not with enough advanced notice to be effective.
I am wondering with the fairy tale relationships, if my parents have the courage and strength to stand up for them when they didn't have the balls to stand up for me...and I know back story is now needed...
In high school, a teacher abused his authority and engaged me in a relationship, that became sexual, and that lasted for a few years. As a teen, I believed I had complete control over the situation, as an adult, I realize this was abuse. Eventually, this relationship was discovered.
Over the course of some time, I was forced into confessing to the bishop, I was forced into turning myself into the sherif, forced to see an emotionally abusive therapist, forced into substance abuse rehab, forced out of my family home and into the home of my abuser. I haven't lived at home since and I put myself through as much school as I could afford.
Now, I am sitting here, imagining the fairy tales that are happening elsewhere, and wondering why my parents blamed the victim.
I know why. It's what they have been taught, cult mentality. It still hurts. And it still hurts, that in some way, I still long to be a part of their fairy tale. It's a two edged sword, I want the fairy tale, but I really don't. I know that much of my family is judgmental and bigoted, and it is never really nice to be around them for long.
I am okay. I am very happy to be the person I have become, I am happy to be home with my little family.
But, I am still wrestling with events that happened years ago, maybe because I can still hear the echoes once in a while.
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate that the RfM community is here for times like this :)