What was the hardest Mormon belief, practice, dream whatever for you to let go of when you left Mormonism? I think dropping a lot of it is a relief (tithing, callings, guilt) but some of it is harder to let go of. Some things become a part of you like certain Mormon-approved hobbies (quilting, for example) or a preference for certain foods (cold caffeine won out over hot caffeine with me for years). Those things don't need to be ditched. But other things you realize are bad for you but you just can't overcome (like feeling guilty about certain things.)

For me, the last lingering bad Mormon brainwashing that I still struggle with is the idea of a one-and-only, Saturday's Warrior style, temple marriage, happily ever after. Clearly, the way the Mormons sell it, it's a mirage created to lure vulnerable young teen girls into their proper role as baby makers for Jesus. But even though I know with every intellectual brain cell that life doesn't work out that way - that no one needs a man (or woman) to complete them or validate their existence - it's still hard to get my inner Mormon teenager to drop it. Every other unholy and impure Mormon practice I've kicked to the curb relatively easily, keeping the good stuff as part of who I am. But the stupid Cinderella thing being a lie is still hard for me to accept. I really feel like, having been raised to believe a happy marriage and family is what will validate my existence, it's hard to accept a regular human marriage (even though mine is relatively good) and take responsibility for my own happiness.

So what do you still struggle with? And if you want to smack some common sense into me while you share, that would be appreciated too :)

That someone, somewhere is watching my life and will want to provide a critical analysis once it's over...

kolobian Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> That someone, somewhere is watching my life and
> will want to provide a critical analysis once it's
> over...


^^^^^
This.

Was, and is: the marriage and the family. They, of course, would be just fine without TSCC, except DW is still under the spell.. So these are really "collateral damage" of cutting ties with TSCC, and not because of TSCC itself (although caused by it).

And the idea God had a one and only he had in mind for me, that I didn't have to do any work but be a good little mormon girl and he would provide. Premarital sex went along with that and one of the reasons I gave up my current nonmo boyfriend when I was 20--as he had had multiple sex partners. It still bothered me when I got back together with him 28 years later. It no longer does. I don't know why. Worked through issues??

But it still bothers me that I did everything humanly possible and I sit here with a messed up family. I wish I could give my kids an intact family.

I just noticed someone on fb who is the son of an old boyfriend. He and his wife had to get married. He had been married before and was excommunicated because he was having an affair with his current wife. They have a perfect little family.

Many of my friends growing up have perfect little families. Most of them slept around.

And here I sit. Some days I'm really happy that my life is where it is. Other days, there are things you miss--that you wish you had. One is the intact family. It is strange to me that it has bothered me more since my parents died than before. I'm at least on good terms with my ex--but it has bothered me a lot more lately than it ever has before.

The idea that Mormons can be rational. After all these years I still want to believe it.

+1000

This results in a bit of a circular situation with DW. Once some time passes from the previous argument, I forget that, no there is no reason at all when it comes to TSCC, and I try to discuss it again, carefully. And ka-BOOM!! And then I remember: "oh, right, there is *no* reason to this thing". And then some time passes...

It is just so difficult to comprehend why an otherwise smart person can't see through TSCC scam. *sigh*

For me, not having an intact family is easier now than it was when I was an active Mormon. I used to sit in church and look at wives that I knew were difficult and demanding and wonder why they were adored and I wasn't. I don't think that the Cinderella Myth is a particularly Mormon thing as much as a cultural thing.

We all want it all. Those who look like they have it all, may be paying a heavy price for an illusion.

So much depends on how you handle plans, B,C,D and even E. I find that I'm better at making lemonade now that I have more ingredients to work with.

I miss being a leader. That may have gone away with age anyway, but I miss having a big project and seeing it to completion through group effort.

It was all an adjustment; major change in how I viewed my life and my goals. It was all difficult at first, but I eased out very nicely, even while living with and loving Mormons.

I had a few head butting incidents, but all in all, it was easy to drop tithing, the huge time commitment and a gazillion meetings and find other more productive things to do like taking adult education college classes for over four years, and starting a social organization in our area where I could use many of my skills as a leader, photography, financial (from work as a banker), costuming (from my theater experience as a director, organizational skills, and acting skills, and so on.

Now, I hardly recall how I spent my time as a member. It's all very different as I am a widow and live by myself, which I enjoy as much as I did living with a husband and family. Maybe, more now that I don't have all the stresses of family life.:-)

I am a believer in living in the present, letting the past stay in the past as much as possible (except for keeping the important memories).

I have found that some things are self sabotage: living in the past, reliving negative experiences, regrets, holding a grudge, not forgiving everyone, everything, everytime.

Mine was the whole temple ideaology. My sealing to my parents was SO important to them (they were converts) and to dissolve that felt terrible. They had passed away by the time I left tscc and I couldn't discuss it with them, which made it 100 times worse. Finally I decided that they had always taught me to be honest and I HONESTLY did not beleieve in tscc anymore, OR the sealing.

Also my children were HUGE collatoral damage after all the stuff we went through. Tscc was not directly the caue, theat was my $#^&@ aything by dear husband, and his wandering ways,but the results broke me in half emotionally.

I still miss the large 'family' feeling of the branch/ward. I am an extrovert who really enjoys people, and over the years I made some wonderful friends in tscc, especially with the women. I was always making a meal for someone who was sick, visiting someone who had miscarried, going to a baby shower etc. I miss that!!

> They had passed away by the time I left tscc and I couldn't discuss it with them, which made it 100 times worse.

If they had passed away by the time you left TSCC, then don't you think they already discovered the way the things actually are, and hence they shouldn't have been upset by your choice?

Bigotry is such a core part of the "Good Mormon" and it was so integrated into me that did not even see it in myself until learned how to see "what truly is" instead of the "what you are supposed to see because you have been told" in the self.
Closely related to that was the automatic immediate judgmental-ness: seeing it, realizing it is pathological, and learning how to TURN IT OFF was difficult.
Another cult blessing.

Was never malignant, but was definitely present in subtle ways.
Took conscious dedicated effort to see and rid myself of it - which is why it was hard to let it go, because I could not see it.

That, and I was incredibly socially stunted. That also took years. Still working it, actually.

Nothing positive about the cult that I ever missed.

This cult makes people sick.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 11:19AM by zenjamin.

Especially in regards to gays. The racial issue has been suppressed long enough so that it is no longer as striking (even though it's clearly still present), but toward gays TSCC is openly hateful. Even though I was a non-believer member, the field of influence still had me think pretty much along the TSCC official line for several years. I have made a full reversal about it within last year or two. While gayness is clearly not "optimal" from nature's point of view (difficult to reproduce that way ;), it is an innate feature that people don't "choose" (except for perhaps some bisexual individuals), and almost always results in a more challenging life.

My current view is that gayness results from many consequtive lifetimes in one sex bodies, and then coming back as the opposite sex. Makes sense (to me :).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2014 09:52PM by Facing Tao.

A few of the hymns. "Because I have been given much, I too must give." Simple, tonal, on the downbeat. Yeah. And being nice. I'm still too trusting and focus too much on others expectations of me. Yeah, that's the bulk of it.

The idea of eternal progression always appealed to me and it still does.

I've given up on Mormonism, but I still hope that the soul is immortal and that we will continue to learn and grow and form new relationships beyond this life.

My key to the building. I used to be able to go shoot hoops on a great basketball court anytime day or night.

Everything else was EASY to let go of.

Being special being part of god's army knowing the plan of salvation. Now I am plain Jane with regular underwear not Deborah with magic undies anointed to become a priestess unto her husband.

I hear what you're saying; there was happiness and safety in that Mormon bubble. However. . .


As a Mormon, my life was essentially all about me - MY children, My husband, My church. Out of the church, I feel so much smaller and my God is so much bigger. Now my heart's desire is to serve humanity, even in small ways. I now spend my extra time working with homeless, mentally ill vets, and with families with children who have serious medical problems. I spend less time worrying and serving my children and I spend my Sundays in nature. The result? Peace I never felt in the LDS church.

I also love the idea of eternal progression, and that good people get a chance to get into heaven.

My virginity. I wanted sex so badly but I was totally inept with women because of all the chastity indoctrination. And I was clueless about recognizing the few opportunities that had been presented to me, almost on a silver platter. I finally was able to get rid of that accursed virginity at 28. Hallelujah! Thank you Betts, wherever you are.

My garments. Well, sorta, I kid you not. I'm fat and my thighs rub together (or stick together) when I'm in a nightgown or a skirt. Garments kept fabric between my two thighs and so this was never a problem. Honestly, last night I was thinking about this.

If this gives presents a problem, get yourself a nice pair of spanx and a sexy camisole and be trimly covered up and sexy at the same time. Kill two birds with one stone!

Once I finally realized Mormonism wasn't true, there was very little I had a hard time letting go of. Actually I was glad to let go of most of it. The only thing I struggled with was the social part. I missed having a built-in community. And I still miss social activities with friends that don't always have to involve bars or alcohol. I enjoy drinking and going to bars but I feel like with non-Mormons that's just what you do when you hang out with other people.

a couple of basic ideas really stuck. One is that the future is somehow set, and it's just a matter of getting to a specific point and finding out what happens--how I die, for example.

Until fairly recently I also had sense that while there's no longer any benevolent force watching over me and making my shit work out, my shit always works out anyway. A year and a half of my shit not working out has helped me lose that idea.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 07:18AM by munchybotaz.

It was hard for me to let go of needing a certainty about the purpose of life and the afterlife. I still feel a bit unanchored. But it's much harder not to feel like a failure because I didn't meet my "one-and-only." I was raised in the generation where Saturday's Warrior was practically gospel. And although intellectually I know I did really well and married a guy who became one of my best friends - that I have a much better marriage than many of my LDS friends and that he loyally stayed by my side when I left the church, we don't connect on that deeper level that I thought was a given when you marry in the temple.

It's really stupid - feelings v. facts. It's not just how people get roped into Mormonism. Letting your feelings overrule your facts is so ridiculous and yet the weakness to do so pops out in the most inconvenient places in a Mormon trained life. Even in areas that have nothing to do with religion. I'm grateful for my husband - but still feel like I should have tried harder to get something more while realizing there probably isn't any more and that's just a Mormon myth too.

I married in the temple and I feel like my husband and I don't have much of a connection at all. He doesn't bother speaking much and hardly ever bothers laughing when I make a joke. It's soul destroying.

relationshipwise (if I'm correct in assuming that's what you mean), but I think it's more a matter of luck for most people who have it, meeting someone they clicked with in a lot of ways. I never did.

Funny this thread should pop back up today, when I've just learned my ex-husband is in the hospital with a spinal tumor, deciding whether to have an operation that requires REMOVING HIS HEART.

Exbotaz just turned 61. He was reportedly cancer free after having a kidney and both adrenal glands removed in 2006. My son told me a few days ago that he was having trouble walking, claiming to have fallen on the ice "or something" (he's always been infuriatingly vague) and resisting going to the doctor.

Now I'm just guessing, but it sounds like the cancer is back, and what I read about spinal tumors and surgery was not encouraging. If it were me, I think I'd rather die than have some gnarly extreme surgery. But if I couldn't walk already, I don't know.

Like me, Exbotaz is presently alone and unemployed. And after the horror and sympathy and relief that he's not still my husband, I'm back to the ol' what if my future also looks something like this.

And I'm sorry, Mormons, but no god would design humans this way, much less make it part of some sort of personal improvement plan.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2014 02:54PM by munchybotaz.

The desire to change people. I'm still working on this. I have been taught from birth to be a missionary and to preach the truth. It's very hard for me because I feel compelled to make moral stands all the time, but now I resist the urge because I realize I need to allow other people their space.

It was very hard for me to let go of the notion that I had all of the answers to the most important questions in the universe. I don't think it was hard in terms of length of time it took to let go, but it was hard in that it was painful and scary and made me wish I could put the genie back in the bottle. I went from being so confident in what I knew, so sure of gods and priesthoods and worlds and universes, arrogantly thinking it was my divine right to possess it all because I didn't drink coffee... to realizing that I knew almost nothing about anything.

As I disconnected myself from the religion it felt like I kept falling through the floor. For an instant I felt like I was nothing, without a purpose, without a moral system, without a future. I was standing in an empty void. And then it hit me... now I can start building what *I* want. And so I did.

Every part of me that I've rebuilt out of evidence and doubt feels so much more satisfying than what I had lost, the relics of ignorant, ancient men, passed through the generations and built out of superstition and certainty.

The thing I still struggle with 10 years after the fact is still feeling the need for food storage and preparing for disastrous times ahead. It's not specifically religious, but Year's Supply and prepping for End Times is baked into Mormon culture.

The sexy undies. Ok, kidding.

Whattya talk? The women got to wear giant panties. Bigger is better, right?

Seeing that my money had sprouted wings and was never coming back. Lost my entire investment.

For me the doctrines are all now a big pile of steaming BS.

The hard thing is to give up is there are people that I would not have otherwise met that I consider friends. I don't see these people much unless I am out walking or running etc., in the neighborhood. There are also lots of people I don't have to tolerate anymore - which is great.

I guess the easy sense of community is what I miss.

I have to say I now consider all organized religion to be a manipulative pile of BS, and it leads me to think there is no
after-life etc. Before, I was sure there was an afterlife. I am working on this one, and I am not sure how I will handle the death of a loved one.