Hi everyone I was wondering if you guys could help me out with a situation. My GF and I have been dating for a while and things seem to be going very well. Although, there is this guy that works at the same company as she does and he always wants to meet up with her for coffee and for lunch. The guy is friends with one of my friends so I have met him enough times to know that he likes my GF.

I'm pretty sure my GF wouldn't like me going on lunches or coffee breaks often with a girl that liked me.

I am still learning though about realtionships outside of mormonsim and I am wondering if I am being affected by my mormon up bringing.

I don't think I am being affected to much though because I would be fine if I knew the guy didn't like her.

What do you guys think? Would I seem like the jealous type if I told my GF not to go to lunches or coffee breaks with him anymore.

Thanks.

but you can tell the difference. My boyfriend has a woman friend who he has had for years and years. They like the same things like skiing and kayaking. I don't ski anymore because of arthritis problems, but I don't mind him going with her. They don't go together very often though.

Now then there was a woman he knew in college who found him on fb. She is married--I know that now, but she was calling him every night to chat. This was while I was living in Utah and he in Colorado. She was IMing him, texting him at work, etc. He thought it was benign.

I asked him if he was going to continue to talk to her. She always initiated the contact and he said, "I always answer my phone." or something and I said, 'If you talk to her, you can't talk to me any longer." And I carried through on my threat. He got rid of her pretty quickly then.

It was OBVIOUS this woman was interested in my boyfriend.

There is a difference.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2014 10:33AM by cl2.

Oh there isn't a question. I know he likes her and it is obvious!

We live in a fairly civil society where we expect & assume people to respect relationship boundaries but the truth is there is still a competitive nature among people. I speculate that he seems to be moving in on your GF, hoping to win her over. So even though she is marked as yours, in this competetive world you'd better up your game because this guy might want her pretty bad.

Upping your game would be a stronger, more respectable thing to do than forbidding their lunch dates.

(Edited a run-on sentence & hopefully caught all my typos.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2014 10:48AM by lenina.

Have you asked your GF about it? We women can be clueless sometimes.

IMHO, you can't ban her from talking to someone. But you can set expectations -- if she doesn't make it very clear to this guy that they are no more than work buddies, then you will not consider yourself in a relationship with her. Trick is to make it her free will what to do, rather than demand something of her.

Honestly, I would be annoyed if my husband told me who I can and can't spend time with. I don't think it would be wrong to tell her how you feel about it, but the ultimate decision should be up to her. Of course, if it bothers you a lot and she isn't sensitive to that, maybe you should determine whether or not she's right for you. Ultimately, even if he does like her, it's up to her to decide whether or not to act.

My gf would never go to lunch with a dude from work. It just wouldn't happen. A team lunch, sure. But one on one with a random guy from work? No.

It has nothing to do with mormonism.

I don't see a problem with this. I'm a woman, and I frequently go to lunch (in groups or just with whoever wants to go get some tacos) with my co-workers. Since my co-workers are 95% men, I occasionally eat lunch with (gasp!) just one male co-worker.

The situation described above seems like an entirely different beast. If I was the OP, I would just talk to my GF about I feel like this dude is violating some boundaries of good taste. Say that from *my* perspective, it feels like she is encouraging behavior that is encroaching on our relationship.

I think the biggest thing is you have to be honest with her. If it bothers you tell her. I wouldn't tell her not to go to lunch or coffee breaks with him. With my experience (something similar has happened to me before) demanding your GF not to see someone she considers just a friend isn't a good idea. It's confrontational and she'll just think you're being jealous and don't trust her. If I were you, I'd tell her I know for a fact he likes her more than just friends, and it's uncomfortable for you when she's alone with him, and go from there. Keep your cool and have a rational adult conversation. In the end, there's really nothing you can do to keep her from seeing him if she want's to. If you make this a bad experience for her and get mad it will just push her away and guess who's waiting to comfort her when her BF makes her feel bad?

You can tell her anything you want but she will do as she wishes. Perhaps she doesn't feel your relationship is rock solid. I wouldn't be doing lunches with another male if my relationship with a man was monogomous. Does she like leading men on...perhaps she is really needy and loves attention from many men. If so, I would move on. A serious talk is in order right now.

Very insightful.



And to the OP:

1) Telling your girlfriend what to do, and how to behave, never works.

2) You need to decide for yourself what is acceptable, and what boundaries you need in a relationship, to be comfortable and content. You need to decide what type of a partner you want in life. Perhaps one that doesn't require reminders of what is and what isn't appropriate in a monogamous relationship.

3) Addicts always lie.

4) Cheaters are addicts. Addicted to the endorphin rush that is associated with flirting, double lives, clandestine sex, etc.

5) The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

6) Successful relationships require absolute honesty (including sexually open relationships). Is your girlfriend being absolutely honest? To you? To herself?

Would you really be happy if you could hypothetically cage her and keep her all to yourself forevermore?

Do you want her to grow and develop as an independent sentient being - whether you are a part of the equation, or not?

Is she actually just an extension of you?

Tough questions.

It's not about caging or controlling someone as though they are an extension of you. It's about the fact that a gf means a committed relationship. If she is bailing on that, it's very heartbreaking.

The gf can grow as an individual by realizing that what she is doing hurts her bf and making a decision about it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having lunch or coffee with someone of the opposite sex. My husband and I both do from time to time, whether it's coworkers or friends outside of work. We both know the boundaries of what is/is not acceptable as defined by both of us in our relationship. The truth is, both of us make friends easier with those of the opposite sex.

My question to you is, have you both agreed that your relationship is exclusive or is this one sided?

I agree. Dh and I both have long-standing friendships with people of the opposite sex and chat with/ meet for lunch often. It's never been an issue, as we both trust each other and are completely honest about it.

I would say that if she's telling you about it, she's not thinking of it as inappropriate at all. If she were making excuses for not being around and hiding that she even talks to him, that might show there's a problem.

Maybe you can bring up how much he seems to like her jokingly. I had a guy-friend when DH and I were dating that I honestly thought was just a friend until someone else pointed out some things I hadn't noticed. I started distancing myself from him since I didn't want to lead him on at all, without DH saying anything about it.

Like foggy, both my husband and I have lunches (and sometimes after work drinks) with people of the opposite gender. I work mostly with men, and if I didn't socialize some with them, I would socialize! If my husband had tried to tell me who I could go to lunch with, we would be having a long discussion about trust! I would be seriously pissed. You either trust your GF/BF/spouse or you don't.

Transplant

Seems like something to discuss openly with her and get her thoughts and ideas on. A mature relationship outside of Mormonism involves discussing and maybe even negotiating on things like this.

Personally, I wouldn't have much of a problem with it - but I would discuss it openly. For all you know, she may be flattered that you care or she may feel stifled if you don't allow it. I would be a lot more concerned about what she wants than what the other guy wants.

I'm a male Ex-Mo that recently (and successfully) navigated the Ex-Mo dating world. I was once in a very similar situation to you. I thought I would offer my personal perspective.

--Begin story--

My GF (who's now my wife) had a male co-worker/friend she had coffee and lunch with on occasion. We were all in the same social circle, so I didn't think much of it. After all, I have a lot of female friends. But I grew a bit worried when he started confiding in her about his relationship troubles, life ambitions, and work problems. Then, using their friendship, he found a way to get transfer into my GF's direct project area.

I started thinking back on things. The guy always seemed to gravitate to my GF in group social situations. He was often the last one to leave parties at our place. And his behavior, from what I personally observed, approached on flirting.

So, I told my GF, "I think he has a crush on you." She downplayed it. After my GF and I got engaged, that male friend/coworker suddenly transferred to a position with the company in another city. Before leaving, however, he made a pass at my GF and lamented on what could have been.

My GF was devastated by his overt advance. She felt played and prayed upon. It reminded her of past sexual harassment situations in the workplace. The guy had slowly pushed personal boundaries and was engaging in behavior that would otherwise be inappropriate--hugging, calling her at night to chat about work stuff, personal email/FB banter, etc.

I never told my GF, "I told you so," about the incident. Instead, we opened up about what behaviors in friendships we perceive as appropriation and inappropriate. We set boundaries for ourselves.

--End story--

I think your concerns are totally valid. Frequent lunches and coffees with one person of the opposite sex at the workplace is way inappropriate--IMO. Like someone else said, team lunches is one thing. I don't schedule one-on-one coffees/lunches with women in my office. Neither do my never-Mo, non-Utah coworkers. I'll have meetings in their office to chat work stuff--but door open. I don't go off-site for coffee/lunch with just one female coworker ever.

I think you need to tell her about your concerns. Be careful though because this guy may be trying to drive a wedge between you and your GF. Predators often have the long game in mind. They work slowly and build things up over time. They push boundaries bit by bit--with a slight touch on her arm and a compliment about her outfit--even receding to build back up the tension. They do this over the course of months and years.

It is not a good idea for a married/attached person to have an intimate relationship (regardless of whether or not it's sexual) with someone of the opposite sex if they have a romantic relationship with someone else.

I don't know if this guy will come between you and your girlfriend but even if he doesn't "like" her, things could always change.

This is my opinion.

Especially if it makes you uncomfortable. And if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. You don't need to justify your discomfort or convince yourself it doesn't bother you.

I really don't see what the big deal is. Yeah, yeah, there's sexual attraction, but a reasonable person can work through that.

Seriously, I've slept in beds with guy friends and nothing happened. I even tend to kiss my friends, male or female, when feeling particularly friendly and it's just affection, nothing more. Or am I the only person here who can have platonic relationships?

Then again, maybe I'm the weird one here. O_O

I don't think you are weird. I feel the same way. The problem is not how I feel or how I reason, it is how the other half feels. Sometimes you just gotta do things to make the other person happy. Hanging out with my ex girlfriends was something I was willing to give up.

"The problem is not how I feel or how I reason, it is how the other half feels."

Bingo.

Nope, I'm the same way. I'm one of those girls who has always had a lot of male friends. If I'm dating a guy who has a problem with that, then he isn't the guy for me.

For the first year after meeting my significant other I had many women who were close friends. Ex-girlfriends were a part of my friends circle. Sometimes they would want to hang out with me. There was nothing fishy or weird going on and I wouldn't have cheated, but I would get an invitation to go to lunch with a girl who was a friend about once a week for a while. I like my ex-girlfriends as friends and we all used to have a strong connection.

The problem was that behavior like that hurt my SO. She wasn't controlling, she just indicated to me that it made her nervous and hurt. I felt like she wasn't being 100% reasonable, but she didn't have to be. I understood how it could hurt her and that was all I needed to change. Because of that I declined the invitations and distanced myself from that part of my life.

I wouldn't have cheated and I'm not a bad guy, but it was something that was important to her and I listened to that. If you two are serious, and it is something that really makes you nervous or damages the relationship, your girlfriend should do the same thing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2014 12:42PM by snb.

I remember being in a similar situation long ago. I brought up my concerns with my girlfriend and her response was "Don't you trust me?" I told her "Of course I do. It is HIM I don't trust." She was aware that at my work there were women who, even though they knew I was in a relationship, saw that as kind of a challenge. So I asked her if she had a problem with me starting to go out to lunches with them and hearing about their needs,relationship problems, and bonding with them on a "friendship" basis. Her tune changed fairly quickly after that.

^^^^^this^^^^

i had to use this reasoning a lot for SO.... if the shoe was on the other foot how would u feel and would usually work like a charm....i think they're empathy challenged

>"It is HIM I don't trust."

This is a pretty common response to this kind of question. I don't get it. My brain just works in a different way, I guess. The way I see it, you don't NEED to trust the friend. You just need to trust your partner. If you actually do trust them, then there's no reason to think they're going to do anything to hurt you.

Again, I'm kind of a fuckup with relationships, so I realize this thought process doesn't work for everyone. But I honestly have no problem with a guy I'm dating hanging out with female friends, even flirty ones, if I trust that he won't let it go anywhere.

here's the thing - if your girlfriend is cute/fun/interesting she will always be getting attention from other guys

most guys are opportunistic - they aren't good at meeting girls so they focus all of their energy on the 2 or 3 girls that they already know - even if they are in a relationship - seriously, this guy KNOWS she is with you so how pathetic is he?

you're better - keep acting that way

she probably views him in a non-sexual way - lots of girls keep guys around that they would never have sex with - they like the attention

anyway, if you choose to let her know that this guy bothers you then you might get her to cut him off and then what happens a few months later when another guy starts going to coffee with her? do you want to spend a lifetime paranoid about these situations?

or you could show her that you are not intimidated by him at all - ask her to invite him on a double date with you guys sometime - if he can get a date...

Your GF is going to do what she's going to do. She's going to be unfaithful or she's not. She's into the relationship or she's not. Acting as if you feel threatened or aren't confident in the relationship or yourself is just going to show weakness, which can only hurt you. In short, telling her what to do or not to do won't help.

If you really have a problem with it, then confront the guy, not your GF. Not in a violent or threatening way - just let him know (in a normal social situation - not by calling or, God forbid, texting or emailing him) you know what he's up to. Unless the guy is very confrontational/competitive, a hardened ladies' man, or a moron, this will likely stop him in his tracks.

The thing you have to understand is, if you are with an attractive woman, this will NEVER end. You can be 80 years old and some other old geezer will make a play. That's just how men are. You have to learn to take it in stride and deal with it. I've been married for over a decade, and my wife gets hit on constantly. Constantly and often right in front of me. I've had guys try to pick her up at cocktail parties and in bars when I'm sitting right next to her. You just learn from experience what to do and what not to do. My experience is that showing weakness or insecurity is always bad. Getting angry is almost as bad unless the guy is someone who can be easily intimidated. Remaining calm, nonplussed and unthreatened is best. It signals to both your SO and the guy that you're not threatened. This can sometimes be misinterpreted by the guy as an invitation to be more aggressive but the way to shut that down is informing him you know what he's up to.

Here is a female perspective. frankly you're sounding a bit insecure and immature to be in the dating scene.. though keep in mind this is just my opinion.

I work in tech so am surrounded by men that I like, who like me back. We're all friends. We all go get coffee and lunch together. Sometimes as a group, sometimes just two of us. All of us are in committed relationships and all know who butters our bread so to speak. There is a difference between friends and holy shit he's making a play. Mormons don't grow up understanding that there is such a place as the friend zone. To Mormons everything is about bom chicka wow wow.

As others have said, she's going to do what she's going to do. She knows her own mind and you have to trust that she's going to continue coming home to you. If you can't give her that trust then you shouldn't be in a relationship with her or anyone else for that matter. Period.

Suggestion for the next big night out. Both of you should invite some friends. Bar.. clubbing whatever it is that you guys like to do. Include this person who is the source of your insecurity. Hang out with him and get to know him instead of projecting what you think is happening. Insecure is just not sexy.

^^^ Great suggestion.

As a single straight woman, I've had to put up with this insecure jealous crap from the wives of some of my friends before. Consequently, the friend always gets dropped in favor of preserving the marriage. I understand why that happens. I get annoyed by it, but there's nothing to be done about it.

However, I have gone out drinking with a friend's husband while my friend was out of town. Because I'm friends with the husband in our own right, unrelated to my friendship with the wife (who is also my co-worker).

So he doesn't call me up and ask me to do stuff without her knowing he plans to make plans with me. I split my invitations evenly between just her, just him, and both of them. For example, I don't include him when it's her birthday lunch. I don't include her when it involves some sort of sporting contest. (He practices martial arts and I dance, so we compare physical prowess sometimes. I can do as many pullups as he can.)

The key, I have found, is to invite both halves of the couple. Another co-worker is a married guy, but we all three share a love of smooshy-faced dogs. So when I friended my co-worker on FB, I friended his wife while I was at it. When they applied to rescue a dog, I knew the rescue group people, so I gave this couple a reference.

If you want it to appear like you're trying to bust a move on a married person, you conveniently forget to invite his spouse and you set up activities that are date-like in nature. If it's something date-like in nature, drinks and dinner and a movie, include everyone. Then it's cool and the spouse doesn't have anything to feel insecure about. If the spouse won't have it, then you have to drop that friend. Or know that you will be dropped.

To answer your question "What do you guys think? Would I seem like the jealous type if I told my GF not to go to lunches or coffee breaks with him anymore." Yes. Actually, not the jealous type, but the controlling type. You don't get to TELL anyone what to do with their lunch hour.

Now you could let your GF know that you feel insecure -- be vulnerable, you can do it, it's not a sign of weakness; it takes a big man with big balls to admit he's afraid of something -- and ask if she minds including you once in a while. What I would do is offer to take her to lunch and if she has plans with dude, then invite him along. It really should be up to her to CHOOSE how to handle it, and she knows you far better than the rest of us do. So, bottom line, you should be talking to HER, not us.

Ask yourself what you're getting jealous for. Do you trust your girlfriend enough that you think she can handle this on her own? Or do you think they're going to fling their clothes off and start banging each other during their lunch break? If it's number one, you don't need to do anything. If it's number two, why are you in a relationship with such a person? Most likely you're somewhere in between, so you'll have to have an honest conversation with GF in which you explore each other's expectations. I would definitely spend some time exploring the source of the thought that you could give her an ultimatum on what she does with her lunch time.