My husband was at a work training for a few weeks and it was a group of people he was there with - mostly guys, but a few girls. One of the men is engaged, but he was 'hooking up' with one of the girls in the class and they carried on as though they were a couple - going out to dinner, etc. They live in different parts of the country, but will see each other again in 6 months for training again, and possibly at other work conferences. The girl knows this guy is engaged. I found the fiancé on facebook. I could anonymously tell her about her cheating man. Do I? Should I? If I were in her shoes, I'd want someone to let me know no doubt. I feel so bad for her! My husband said this guy just shrugs it off and it doesn't appear as though he's going to tell his fiancé or change the status quo....
My original feeling was definitely tell her, but then I asked a friend and she said she probably wouldn't unless she knew the girl well, but I don't know what that has to do with it - it just seems like a commonly decent thing to do, especially were the situation reversed....
On a side note, does anyone have any thoughts on the chick that was facilitating the cheating? Is it worth sending her an anonymous email about being disgusted with her behavior as well? Does she deserve any of the blame? Besides that I think fraternizing with co-workers is a bad idea, I'm irritated that this chick is in my husband's training class because I think it says a lot about her that she'd just go right ahead and do this even though she knew he was engaged, and what does that say about what she might do in future meet-ups - there were quire a few partnered men there....
Right....this is why I'm asking..... It's not rumors - the fiancé talked about it. I could see you reacting this way over me saying something to the 'other woman', but I'm pretty shocked anyone would react this way over me telling the cheated on fiance... Who wouldn't both want to, and deserve to know they were being cheated on? Wouldn't you want to know?
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2014 11:40PM by anonforthisissue.
But you had to look up the fiance on Facebook. This is NONE of your business.
It would be different if the fiance was your relative or a close friend - and even then it might be wise to stay out of it.
What does your husband think about what you want to do? Perhaps you should go by what he suggests.After all, he is the one who has to work with those people.
Not sure there is any point in confronting the girl. I can't imagine it would make her change her behavior. The men with obligations are the one in the wrong. If they cant keep their pants zipped because a woman comes on to them then they are not committed to their wives or girlfriends.
I most absolutely would want to know. I think it's my right to decide if I want to move forward with the relationship or not. Better now then after she's married to find out what a scum bag he is.
Absolutely tell the fiancé, could help her dodge a bullet. Much better to know before the marriage, than after.
As far as confronting the other woman, I would wait and think about it some more. I am also disgusted by her and the engaged mans' sleaziness, but the most important thing to do right now, is to let that poor engaged woman know.
I understand the drive to "save" the fiancé from a philandering future husband. Guess what? YOU CANT.
She is not your friend. From what you shared, your husband is not friends with the guy either.
Leave it alone. This is NOT your place to intervene, because you ARE NOT in a relationship with either one of these people to call them into ANY kind of accountability.
I have been in this position a few times. The ONLY time it every worked was when the person being cheated on was a close friend.
I HAVE been cheated on. Guess what? Someone wanted to tell me. I found out all on my own. Later, that stranger wanted to tell me they saw my now ex husband doing something he should not have been doing. Would I have believed her? Nope. I was so focused on what I wanted: I wanted to save my marriage and keep my family in tact. In fact, I turned on her later. Not because she told me "after the fact" but because I questioned her true motives. The woman who doesn't know YOU well, WILL wonder WHY are you sharing this? The jilted partner doesn't always see you are trying to help.
If you approach this fiancé, you will not be doing her a service. You are going to create anguish and stick your nose where it doesn't belong. Thing about truth is...it floats. If he is the cheating kind, it WILL surface. It always does, and YOU can stay out of it.
I had a live in bf who cheated on me. I knew in my soul he had cheated but had no proof until months later when I read a letter she wrote him-pre email days. Our group of friends who were all his friends and they knew the truth. He convinced me I was wrong. So here I was defending the sob to his friends. There was a girl who should have told me as we knew each other before she met my bf, but it turned out she had a crush on him and betrayed me. I felt like such a fool. I ended the relationship, moved and got an unlisted phone and told none of my bf's friends where I was going.
I wish someone had told me the truth. Maybe the girl wants to know and maybe she does not. Maybe the cheating scum bag will convince her that he is faithful. Maybe he will tell her what my cheating bf told me- I lied to you for your own good.
Telling on the cheater probably wouldn't make any difference. He would talk his way out of it. He talked his fiancee into marrying him. He would say, "Do believe an anonymous tipster, or do you believe me, the man who wants to marry you?"
Once a cheater, always a cheater, and she probably already knows about his cheating past. I feel sorry for her. Maybe she wants the guy anyway, for his money or his looks. Maybe she cheats, too. You don't know these people.
Several people I knew told me about my ex's cheating, before and during our marriage. Before marriage, I assumed he would become faithful once we were married. I thought he had "grown up" since our college days. (I know, I was stupid.) One man who told me was trying to hit on me, and I though his gossip about my husband coming on to the man's girlfriend was part of his attempt to seduce me. One girl who told me was dumped by my ex, and my ex said she was angry and trying to get even. One time, my ex said it was a case of mistaken identity--it was actually his brother in the bar, not him. The lies just go on and on, and narcissistic psychopaths are like professional liars.
So--if there is any risk to your husband's job--even the slightest risk--don't bother telling. It won't change a thing. Hearsay is meaningless--unless you have eye-witness photographs, but even then....
Yes, she needs to know that her marriage will not hold up. He has no intention of being committed. He can't even do it during his engagement. Try to do it anonymously. She can believe this report or not...her choice. But when the marriage ends, she will learn to listen next time.
Women who do this are just as bad. You said she knew he was engaged. Some people are so needy and arrogant and love to live a double life. He needs to be confronted and then this girl should leave his sorry A___.
I wouldn't say anything. She probably wouldn't believe an anon. posting anyway. It's the word of a stranger vs. his. I told a girl I knew well her ex was dating and sleeping with others while still sleeping with her. She didn't believe me and I knew her well. Have you ever seen or heard of a circumstance where a woman is getting abused and someone stops the abuser then the woman attacks the person trying to help her. That's probably how she is going to feel about you telling her. It won't be till after she has opened her own eyes that she would be thankful. The friend I told eventually apologized for not believing me after she found out herself. Unfortunately we are not as close because of that. I would also say its similar to telling a TBM that they are being scammed. It won't work unless they are ready to hear it, even if you are close. Since you are a stranger, let them be. They will figure it out.
I had a girlfriend in college at BYU who wrote me sometimes on my mission. She was about to get married to a grad student who was divorced. My best friend wrote me that he knew the guy was seeing someone else, and asked if he should say something. We decided it would be best to just let it ride, because she would certainly find out. But what happened was that she had a wedding shower at BYU, then one at home in another state, and less than one week before the Logan temple wedding her fiance told her he was not going to marry her because he had gotten engaged to someone else. The saddest part was that the day after the scheduled wedding, her mother had to stand in the parking lot of her ward building at home and turn away people who were coming to the reception.
I suppose I would be inclined to say something today, but since there is a high liability for someone disbelieving and taking offence, I'd send a letter or something, anonymously.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/01/2014 10:19AM by cludgie.
Remember, there's no such thing as "the Spirit". You can't really discern the truth about them by ESP. I'd leave it to someone who knows both people to make an informed decision. Cheating is complex behavior. Multifactorial. There may be more to it.