Posted by:
Nightingale
(
)
Date: February 16, 2014 04:11PM
It's worth keeping in mind the purpose of RfM, as stated by Eric, Board Founder:
From the board Guideline (see sticky post from CZ at top of page 1):
"This site's purpose is to let people who are, or were, in Mormonism know that they are not alone in their feelings and experiences or in their quests to regain their lives after years in this religion. We have e-mail groups to join, bulletin boards, gatherings and individuals to help with a transition to a post-Mormon life."
That limits the purpose perhaps more than many posters realize, or remember.
I have read posts from Sus I/S, Admin, that "diagnosing" others' issues, either physical or mental, is not allowed, but I don't see that specific statement in the Guidelines. Of course, it is a great idea to avoid it anyway.
We have often heard from posters in the middle of a domestic abuse crisis, as mentioned above. I agree that it is fine to state our opinion about the reality of a situation like that, as outlined by the poster in trouble. We have often advised that people leave and seek safety, if they are at immediate risk, and then professional help. This is fine, imo. But yes, we as general readers and posters need to keep in mind the limitations of our view, in only reading one or a few posts about an IRL situation that is affecting someone's life. If a person is in immediate need of professional assistance they may not be thinking straight or may be misperceiving our thoughts or advice. This is not helpful to them. Of course, ultimately our decisions and behaviour are our own responsibility. But in crisis it's hard to be objective and make the best decisions and so we may inadvertently lean too much on the advice of others, even strangers, even online. I do think it's up to RfM posters to be somewhat aware of many of these factors and tailor responses to people in crisis accordingly.
However, that doesn't always happen. Hopefully, other posters will watch out for each other and so does Admin. Make them aware of anything that doesn't seem right to you (rather than, say, arguing about it on the board).
Calling a *poster* here a 'narcissist' or 'psychotic', etc comes under the "no name-calling" rule, I believe. So that is an extra reason not to "diagnose" a fellow poster. That kind of "help" may damage more than it assists. Plus, there are inherent dangers with diagnosing online, as stated by the OP in this thread.
Reading the purpose of the board again reminds me that there are limits to what Eric envisioned for the board, and that he stands by those to date. We're not counsellors, we're not professionals (and anyway, that doesn't mean we can or should diagnose someone online any more than anybody else should) and even "advice" may not hit the mark and be more damaging than helpful.
I don't think we should expect too much insight or knowledge from new posters, or newly exiting people, or even each other no matter how long we've been here. This reality will hopefully dictate how we respond to various types of problems that people write about. It's wise to avoid giving definitive "advice" and to make it clear, as mentioned above, that we are just giving our opinion, based on our own experiences and on the limited information given by the poster seeking help. Of course, it's also wise for any poster with serious issues to seek resources in their communities or among real life friends rather than to accept without question something someone wrote online.
Unfortunately, not everybody is wise and insightful all the time, especially in crisis. The best we can do as posters, I think, is to bear in mind the purpose of RfM and not go beyond it, to follow board Guidelines (which encourages others to do likewise so order is maintained) and to encourage people in need to seek help in the form of their GP or a therapist or other community resources. Of course, it can be unproductive or even insulting to cry "see a therapist" to every problem but, again, there are limitations to what we as posters can do to help or to what people should expect from this board.
That to me is the bottom line. Posting according to Nightingale.
Or something like that.
The biggest bottom line, for me, is to try and avoid seeming to run people off the board. If we see that occurring, it's best to hit the 'report' button and then step aside and let Admin handle it. Again, people in crisis may be ultra-sensitive and nothing we say is going to come across as right to them, in which case, we just can't help them.
Maybe the ultimate bottom line is that it's worth, in my opinion, being careful how we express our opinion. If we care how others perceive us or whether we help fellow posters or not. But we're not all in a place of control and peace and so it's not realistic to expect too much from each other. I emphasize that RfM is a discussion board. That leaves the idea of "therapy" or "recovery" right out of it, for me.
And if people are in search of discussion, there is no shortage of it here, and much of it is pretty damn good.