Hi everybody! To make a long story short, my husband and I decided to leave the church about 2 months ago. We were both raised Mormon, sealed in the temple, served in many callings, yada yada. I had had doubts and questions for years and years, and one day my shelf finally broke.

We've been having a lot of discussions about the church, it's views, where we go from here, how to break it to our families, how to tell the kids (we have three teens, two younger and one older) etc etc. It seems it's all we ever talk about. Making the decision to leave was very very hard but so worth it - I'm so much happier and feel that a great weight was lifted off my shoulders.

It has taken me some time to get used to doing "normal" things - drinking a cup of coffee without feeling I was going to hell (mmm, delicious!), being ok with dh having a beer - things like that.

My question to you guys is: how long before we shake off the hold that the church had on us? Surely it won't consume our thoughts all day everyday. Surely one day when I'm drinking a coffee it will be a normal boring everyday thing? When Sundays come around when will we not feel weird about not going to church (ugh)?

How long til you feel normal? Never. There is no such thing as normal, it's only a setting on the dryer.

How long til you feel non-Mormon? That depends on a lot of factors and depends entirely on each individual.

"There is no such thing as normal, it's only a setting on the dryer."

I like that!! :)

Welcome,
Reading others experiences has been helpful to us. Others have shared that doing fun things together on Sundays has really helped them. Ways to recover vary. some take up classes, hobbies or hiking etc. One shared her happiness playing with grandchildren. So many offer an understanding ear and many offer sage advice. wishing you the making and sharing of happy memories.

Link (below) to the recent archive, Reading others experiences can be helpful, you can search by topic in the search engine

http://exmormon.org/d6/drupal/

You will always have the Mormon connection, and family ties. If you have teens, be sure and have a conversation with them. Help them see your point of view. Your family life will be happier if they are not in the Church.

Depending on where you live, find others that are going through this -- meet up and have some coffee together. Share your experiences and ideas. Finding a different activity (volunteer work...) to take the place of the Church void can be useful...

I think it might be easier for the current generation of exmos than some of our courageous ancestors that saw the light.

You will get there eventually. I agree that 'normal' is super relative. It will probably depend a bit on how much fallout there is with your family and acquaintances, but 'normal' will happen eventually so long as you are honest with your decision to leave. (Which most people are). There is no sure-fire timeline that anybody can give you I don't think.

The main thing is to be honest to yourself first, and start to get comfortable with who you are and what you like to do, and how you like to behave and feel and stick to it no matter what. Eventually people will accept you for who you are, (or not) and you will be able to not have so much anxiety about living up to somebody else's ideal for you that you will never live up to, nor desire to achieve.

tl;dr - 'normal' will happen eventually.

Tomorrow morning, just as you rouse, before the internal dialogue kicks in. Enjoy those few seconds :)

What's normal?

For me, it wasn't so much about going against mormon doctrine and teachings as it was my fear that the TBMs and other people around me would judge me.

I felt weird about not going to church on Sundays only as long as I lived with a TBM roommate (about a year). Mostly this was because I had been going with her for years, and suddenly stopped, and we never discussed it. It was an elephant in the room. But from week one I felt relieved not to be going. I never liked church.

Coffee took a few months. I was afraid to try it not because of the WoW, but because I didn't know what any of the terms meant. I didn't want to look foolish being a 25-year-old who didn't know how to order coffee. Then finally one day I went to a coffee shop with a friend, let him order first, then just said "I'll have the same." After that I was too busy learning what I liked to spend a lot of time dwelling on the "wrongness" of it.

Alcohol took me the longest to get used to. I didn't drink for over a year after I left TSCC. I was afraid of losing control - as a shy, inhibited person, it terrified me that I would say or do something embarrassing. I didn't know there was a middle ground between stone-dead-sober and wearing a lampshade on your head. Finally, after going to countless parties with people who were drinking and seeing what they were really like, I felt comfortable trying it. It probably took a few more months after that - trials and errors to figure out my limit and find the "sweet spot" - before I really became comfortable with drinking.

It can take as long as you were in the church to get over it.

Take mashie discussions for a month, give yourself at least a month to recover.

In for a year? It might take at least that long to recover.

In for 40 years? You're mature and smarter now, so you will probably feel better in couple of years but might not be fully recovered for many more.

But it's still worth it. Every day your out you'll learn more about how it feels to be cult free. If you have a bad spell here or there, you'll likely learn much more and feel all the better for it.

Take heart and keep at it. Enjoy the journey.

I think it varies widely by person.

Once you deal with the big issues - the familial and social ramifications - it will have much, much less hold on you.

I'm lucky in that I live on the east coast; I imagine if I lived in Utah it would be awful. In my high school of 1600 kids, there were about a dozen of us Mormons.

You guys are right in that "normal" is relative. I know Mormonism will always be in my life to some extent; not only because our families are hardcore but also because it's how we were raised and thought for so long. (It's a little different for dh, he never really believed but went along with it because it gave him the structure and community he needed at the time, and because I was a silly TBM).

We are lucky to have friends who left a few years ago, it's been so helpful talking it over with them.

I look forward to the day that leaving the church doesn't consume so many of my thoughts, and when having a drink or buying normal underwear isn't a new and novel and thought provoking process. I want them I be normal boring everyday things.

I forgot to add - I don't care so much about our church friends shunning us. I don't think it will be a problem, out here in the east people are generally not as cliquey and shunning. I can think of just one or two that might avoid us, but the majority will still be friendly and social with us, and those who aren't I don't care to remain friends with anyway.

The more you and your husband think for yourselves and act in accordance with what you deem to be appropriate, enjoyable, and otherwise good for your lives. the less Mormon 'programming' will affect you psychologically and your behavior.

Like millions of people, you always had the right to live fully by your mind/judgments of what was best for you, but dysfunctional Mormonism kept you from exploring life like normal people got to do, obstructing your psychological maturation, independence, and liberty.

Info. about how Mo-ism 'programs' people and affects their self-esteem, and what they can do to reverse LDS 'brainwashing' is online at http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/

Suggestions: Keep enjoying coffee and otherwise exploring life! Be in the present and look to the future with a positive-yet-realistic perspective. Learn to let the past go; you can't change it.

As you allow the real you that was buried under layers of Mormon 'brainwashing' and dysfunction to appear and remain on the stage of your life/person/being, so to speak, there will come a time when you'll realize that cultic Mo-ism holds no residual power over you. The whole thing happens 'organically' (i.e., at it's own speed), so there's no need to stress about it.

Best wishes!

Probably takes varying amounts of time for different people, but for me one day I just no longer needed church. I felt whole without it. I changed the idea about God being displeased with me and decided to turn him into one who thinks I'm terrific. "You like that coffee? I created it just so you could enjoy it."
Coffee is ground up cherry pits. That's about it. Beer is natural too.

If I treat myself and others with kindness and there is a God, then I believe he likes me now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2014 04:14AM by snuckafoodberry.

There will come a time, when you hear somebody say something 'mormon' and you'll think: "Say WHAT!?"

That's when it will hit you that you are well and truly out!

;-)

Just the other week, I was in a pub with a good friend. There was a great little band playing, and I was dancing my little heart out having a flirt and a laugh and a dance with a nice guy who was also just there having a blast.... and then my friend hands me a beer...

Cold, and fresh and lush and as I took a big gulp I litterally thought:

"I am SOOO glad I am not mormon anymore!!"

(and I've been out 18 years so go figure)

Drinking coffee will never be normal for me. I will always drink it as a sacrament of freedom from the cult.

Normal? Remove the word from your vocabulary and you will become normal.

Sunday is now a day you can do with as you wish.

I don't think a Sunday that goes by when my husband doesn't cheerfully comment "Hey! We don't have to go to church today". It never gets old for him. We've been resigned for over a decade.

I DO think you'll get past the guilt and conditioning. That took be a couple of years but everyone is different. I used to have to remind myself every time I broke a Mormon rule that the rule was based on false assumptions. For example: if I can't even be sure there is a God, I certainly am not going to stay home from the movies on Sunday because someone told me that would piss Him off.

Mormonism will always be part of your past. I don't see how you could possibly forget it. So instead of trying to forget, why not turn it around and actually celebrate that you can enjoy that wonderful cup of coffee? Appreciate your freedom every time you use it to do something normal that you used to be forbidden to do. Exercise that old "attitude of gratitude", that you got out! You are one of the few lucky ones that saw through it and took your life back!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2014 01:37PM by imaworkinonit.