It was nice seeing that some of you were concerned about my lack of frequent posting.

I have been incredibly busy being incredibly amazing. Sometimes it's really difficult being me because I'm just so kewl that I even make myself jealous of me.

There are times when I lie awake thinking of all the astonishing things that I have done, and my mind wonders if I could ever truly love myself.

I mean, I have done all these great and stupendous things. Can I even fathom how great I am? What if I'm so amazing, that I don't even know that I exist?

How can I even compete with myself for my own love and affection? What if I am like the boy who secretly loves the popular, smart, funny, gorgeous girl from his Math class?

He loves her, and knows everything about her, but is SHE aware of HIM? She is so great, and has done all those great things by taking and passing hard classes, being elected for shit, and is on community counsel all while striding beautifully and confidently through the hallways of a system designed to promote self loathing and social anxiety. But what about him?

That girl is clearly me. But that boy might be me too.

I love myself SOOOO much.

But do I love myself back?

Or is my love for myself so secret, that I won't know until decades later at a class reunion? When I realize the things that I valued in a partner are very different than the things I SHOULD HAVE valued in a partner?

Am I the one who got away? From myself?


...fuck....


Anyway, let's stop talking about a subject that I could go on and on about (myself), and talk about my TBM cousin.

I am really concerned about him.

For those of you who haven't been following this story line closely - because something is wrong with you - here's a quick summary:

Last Holiday Season, my True Believing Cousin (E. Raptor Jesus) became very jealous of all my "apostate" writings that he decided to write a book definitively proving that Mormonism was true.

He started writing this book, but then his Stake President asked to see his notes, and because E. Raptor trusts people too much - especially Stake Presidents - suddenly the church published these "anonymous essays" that looked a lot like E. Raptor's notes.

E. Raptor was devastated; however, at the same time as his adventures in plagiarism, we both were invited to a super secret full contact martial arts tournament to be held this summer at a nondescript location somewhere in Central/South America.

This brings everyone up to speed.

It's almost the ides of March now - summer is coming soon - and E. Raptor isn't training very hard for the tournament.

I invite him over so that we can punch and kick shit - but he brings over his scriptures and a bunch of maps of Central and South America.

I need a sparring partner, but mostly I end up having to do forms by myself and playing Tekken to get combo ideas. Meanwhile he is scribbling shit like "narrow neck of land" on his maps and rifling through scriptures until he gets pissed off because the "descriptions don't fit," and then either crumples up the maps or erases his pencil marks loudly.

His lack of preparation for this tournament is frustrating me to the point where I might scream.

Or at least shake him violently while shouting, "Goddamnit, will you stop with the scriptures and maps???

"What you are working on right now. IS. FANTASY! But this secretive, full contact martial arts tournament being held in a nondescript location with vague rules and no clear indication as to how the fighters were selected let alone invited. IS. REAL LIFE!!!

"If we aren't physically ready for this tournament - we might die! And I've already written about your lack of preparation.

"I don't want to have to be the one to write about your death, and have people say, 'What a surprise! E. Raptor's hubris foreshadowed his own demise so clearly that a third grade reader could see it coming.'

"Besides! What's going to happen to that frumpy housewife of yours if you do end up biting it? You've made sure that she doesn't have any real skills other than looking vapid and ignoring the 8 - 12 'scripturally named' children that slid out of her like a line of kids at a water-park.

"Sure. The older ones are looking after the younger ones. But if you corpse out, the money from your insurance sales won't be coming in. Nor will the money from being the CEO of your 'anti ball sweat powder' business where your fewest top sales people are immediately over your less fewest middle sales people who are immediately over your least fewest lowest sales people!"

God, I just want him to close his fucking scriptures and try to roundhouse kick me to the face.

I've been trying to be really nice to him too. I understand that he's in a delicate psychological state, and I wanted to meet him half way on these essays - so I asked him about the latest one on Mormons working their way into godhood.

Big fucking mistake.

He was so pissed off about that. I thought maybe he had written part of that essay like he had the others, and I could slowly massage his ego.

But he went off. There was this giant diatribe about "plain and precious truths being taken away," and I didn't know what to say.

I kind of get what E. Raptor is going through. He wants to stay in and defend a religion that is more than happy to steal his ideas - when the ideas suit them.

But the ideas that E. Raptor had grown to love - are quickly discarded and diminished in public when the church needs to become popular with the rest of Christianity.

The church is trying to play this game where they stand out marginally over Christianity.

But only marginally.

They can't afford to change enough to become "mainstream," but they also can't afford to stand out too much - otherwise they alienate themselves.

It's a bizarre balance they have to strike. Be too unique, and they alienate themselves from the popular religions. Be too mainstream, and they get lost in the general populous.

Meanwhile, their paradigm shift of rebranding within one standard deviation from the "norm" is alienating themselves.

From themselves.

I feel bad for my cousin because he is spending so much of his time giving his time and affection to an average cog that is trying to grind him up against a mediocre cog - trying to pretend that they are 'outstanding' cogs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/09/2014 08:32PM by Raptor Jesus.

My cousin will sell him a life insurance policy.

Disregard please. I don't know how the second click happened. It probably has something to do with my recent lack of physical conditioning. My 95-pound wife could probably come close to kicking my @$$ right now. If I were facing a martial arts tournament, I'd probably been in a more precarious state even than is E. Raptor.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/09/2014 08:41PM by scmd.

Will you be my friend? I haven't laughed that hard in a while!

The Mormons are a small, insignificant sect of superstitious apes who dream of power but will never truly attain it. They may desire to become omnipotent rulers of the cosmos, rulers of worlds populated by progeny without number, but they will share the same fate as the rest of humanity: harvested by my acolytes, bundled together and pressed in my great winepress. Their lifeblood will sustain me, the one true king of Earth, when I ascend to my rightful throne.

I am Apocalypse!!! I am the Primeval Mutant, the Immortal
king, the Keeper of Celestial technology!!! Worlds without number shall be mine, for I shall take them with my might and crush anyone who attempts to oppose me. True Power and Dominion aren't endowed as a birthright to the meek, but are seized by the strongest, the cleverest and the most driven among you, and though faith, fearful service to me.

I will let you in on a secret: Joseph Smith was given a peak into the cosmos when he stumbled onto a fragment of an infinity gem. It gave him glimpses into the past, the future and deep into space, but even that boundless power which he kept in his hat couldn't protect him from his own deceptive and arrogant practices.

There are many worlds to be taken, and countless creatures to be subjugated. Do not rely on a cowering, unstable deity who fears the potential of his own creations to lift you up to your great potential.

As for you, Raptor: I'll see you next week. I'd bring you a bottle of the delicious Freakshow cabernet I'm drinking, but Utah is an asshole about the whole alcohol thing.

I hope your cousin eats shit and dies. You don't need him.

By the time I got to the Tekken reference I ruined my couch.

Raptor J. I couldn't quite tell where you were metaphorical and where you were sharing actual events. Which is to say that I enjoyed your piece. Very funny.

I'll take a stab. The martial arts tournament represents the cool relationship they used to have but can't seem to get back to, and the bit about the cousin writing the essays represents him agreeing with them so much he might as well have written them. The rest is probably mostly non-metaphorical.

For all you noobs who may not be familiar with Raptor, pick up his book for mere pocket change: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B005IQKAQU

You will not be disappointed.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/10/2014 03:29PM by En Sabah Nur.

En Sabah Nur Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> For all you noobs who may not be familiar with
> Raptor, pick up his book for mere pocket change:
> http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B005IQKAQU
>
> You will not be disappointed.


I have to say that I was, in fact, disappointed.




There was not near as much swearing as I expected...

I hope you're joking. His book is amazing, balancing pathos, humor, blasphemy and potty talk quite beautifully.

Really, folks, if you haven't read it, pick it up.

Was the part about the church stealing your cousin's writing true? If so, what dicks!

Edit: I guess that part was invented. Meh.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/11/2014 03:12PM by snb.

I particularly loved the image of kids in line at a waterpark...poor cousin's wife!