I am getting married in less than a month. I have no immediate family that live close to me, but since my mother's extended family are all the DIE HARD mormon type, I have literally a few hundred relatives within a 50 mile radius.

I write to/read the family newsletter they send out. I seem to be the only one on the outs, all of their entries are completely about who got baptized/missioned/temple married/Christ's blessings in their lives. Prophet quotes, the whole gag inducing 9 yards.

In the last newsletter, I expressed my desire for any family member who would wish to attend my wedding to send me an invite. I would be happy to have family there, considering that my fiance's family is enormous and mine are scattered throughout the country and mostly unable to attend. I respectfully stated that there is going to be a beer and champagne bar, but that all my friends are very responsible (we're all freaking adults. This is the NORM anywhere but Utah.)

Not one soul has requested an invite. Not one. I am always very friendly to them, attend family reunions, never bring up my APOSTASY and how I am raising my child to be an atheist. The last family reunion, I raised more money for the family with my donation than had been done in YEARS. They liked me then.

Help me brush this off my shoulders, I guess. I mostly wanted some one to attend to see what a good time/how happy we heathens can be.

I'm sure it would be awkward for them. The truth is, their world is a comfort zone bubble and their offense meters are pegged to 11. So although I'm sure they have good feelings for you, they already have a million other pressing engagements they are facing and it's really hard to rub shoulders with gentiles.

It's never personal with mormons because they can't see their own personal offenses. They can only focus their energies on their own tender sensibilities. In other words, it's ok for you to cross over into their bubble, but they just can't bring themselves to do the opposite.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2014 12:00PM by Devoted Exmo.

At least they won't be there to disapprove of you. Congratulations and have a fantastic wedding.

Let me get this out of the way: It's tacky to solicit an invitation to an event, so maybe they don't want to be tacky.

They believe what they believe. They've been taught that even smelling alcohol will turn them into violent, sociopathic ax murderers. They've been taught that all weddings must be performed in the temple, with a reception following at a basketball court. They've been taught that all apostates are evil and looking to convert them to satan, thus should be avoided. They've been taught that non-members are lost, and are only good for being potential converts. They've been taught that their testimony is fragile and could be broken at any time, thus they must avoid situations where it could be imperiled (this alone should be a red flag, but isn't. I'll never get it. "I have the truth! I must avoid anyone without it, because I might not have the truth anymore!" SMH.) They've been taught that only the true believers can be happy.

You are asking them to go against all of the things they've been taught. Your last sentence is dangerous to them. I can't tell you how to feel. I wouldn't be offended, but there was a time when I would have been. I'm starting to live my life for me. Others are welcome to come along for the ride, or not. My feelings are presently beyond being hurt like that.

Good luck with your family (new and old)!

Send out invites anyway. See who bites with a second chance. Make them think that others are coming. You might even put a thank you in to the whole group for how many responded they wished to come. They will all be asking who broke from the group.

Modern weddings are full of pictures of themselves being silly and all sorts of non-traditional (oh, I'm sorry, "tacky" did you call it?) customs. In my day, mothers were NOT EVER supposed to throw showers for their daughters. THat was tacky. I think we can move away from Emily Post now.

If it were me, I'd definitely be ticked. I mean really ticked. For a while. Then I'd just say to hell with them and focus on what I needed to do to have a great wedding with my bride and my real friends.

If you were anywhere near central Alabama, I'd be glad to come. You could call me Dad if you wanted. Uh, did you say beer?

You should be hurt. I think that is rotten. They should be able to step outside of their lines. I feel for you, and wish I could make it better.

The following might sound bitter, but it's not meant to be. It is my most practical advice:

I think they are afraid of seeing you in a genuinely happy occasion. They are afraid THEY might have a good time. Or maybe they can't accept heathens being so happy or seemingly blessed. They might prefer to hear the gossip from someone else about how someone from the wedding party was totally drunk and ridiculous, and be able to use it to enhance a Young Women's lesson about how beautiful a temple wedding is. (Deep down, I think TBMs are a bit jealous not to have a fun fancy wedding, and a dream wedding dress with skin showing under lace sleeves. Deep, deep down inside them where they shove the things they don't want to see about themselves.)

I actually DID hear a woman in my ward tell The Tale of Two Weddings she had recently attended in the same week in Utah, one from her family and one from her husbands family. She used in her lesson in RS. It was really horrible how sad she painted the "for life" union. Especially sad when just months later, that couple moved to our state and lived with them for a few months, becoming part of our ward. I sure hope no loose-lipped bitty told them what their aunt said.

"Offended" is THEIR word, don't use it. It is okay for them to use it against you, as in "I am offended that you would invite me to a wedding where there is alcohol." But be careful that you don't say "I am offended that nobody in the family wanted to come to my wedding," because they are programmed to will throw it right back you, stating that "being offended" is your problem, not theirs, and it shouldn't keep you out of the church.

You asked your family members to send you an invite if they wanted to attend your wedding?

And you're surprised they didn't respond?

Sheesh

This might a bit like that. It would require some planning and (gasp) effort.

I do not read family newsletters. There may be a lot of people who did not see your "opt in" request. I suggest that you send out invitations anyway and let the chips fall where they may.

Pointless grammar note:
"Invite" is a verb.
"Invitation" is the noun.

You invite someone with an invitation. You do not send out "invites."

YES!

Whenever you have the choice to be offended, take it!

Nothing makes life fuller and more meaningful than being offended as often as you can. Remember, being offended makes you right!

(roll of the eyes)

Thanks for the responses! I see how requesting emails to get addresses for invitations could be seen as backwards. My issue is I do not subscribe to any social media, and therefore it has made it hard for me to assemble a myriad of addresses without the ability to go down a friends list.

I think I will do as rhgc suggested.

Morgana-- Offended IS their word. Thanks for reminding me of that. I didn't mean to sound like a whiney twit. My fiance works out of town mostly and sometimes having no family around makes me get a bit more sensitive than I should be.

Yep, that is THEIR BIG "O" WORD, haha! They have Offend-o-gasms.

(Oh, I do amuse myself sometimes.)

My husband and I are both from Utah. He was raised Mormon and has a large family that all live there. We got married in Salt Lake (St. Mark's Cathedral) and most of his extended family didn't come. The excuse for most of them was that they didn't want to drive to SLC because it was too far(from American Fork, Spanish Fork, etc.- Not Far!).

Interestingly, many of his mom's friends came, including the bishop that ex-communicated him. I'm sure it was the first normal wedding that most of them had been to. We had a champagne fountain and no one mentioned it was champagne, so that was funny. :)

I'm sorry you're disappointed, but that's how it goes with those people. My husband, who is an amazing man with a successful career and beautiful children will always be "less" to them. His cousin, who is a janitor with a lazy wife and severely dysfunctional family makes comments about how my husband could have been so great, if only he hadn't left "the church." Whatever. We're happy. :)

Congrats on your wedding. Don't let them ruin even one minute of it.