This topic mainly focuses on couples who choose to be childless. Since I was 12, the idea of pregnancy seemed like a nightmare. And it doesn't scare me much as it used to, I still don't like it. And I am not a big fan of babies.



But anyway. There will be couples who will have been married for like 5 years and had no kids, and even in the everyday world they are looked at as weirdos. How can you not want a baby that keeps you up all night?


Ok that last line was a little harsh. And I notice this pattern when everyone talks about becoming pregnant. We're having a baby! It seems like they only focus on snuggling and cuddling(which is great and all), and not thinking about when they get older.


I know everyone isn't like this.Boy I'm digging myself a hole. But it just bugs me. If a woman says she doesn't want kids she is looked at as some kind of "thing" and selfish. I think there's a high chance I may never want kids.


Not one of my own. I don't like babies. I don't like pregnancy. I know I know, there's that "time" when everything in my thought will change, but I've heard of people like myself who decided at ages around mine and didn't change their mind even into mid twenties.


I just kind of wish in the every day world a woman could say she doesn't want kids and not be looked at as selfish. And not have to be afraid of their preference. It seems so taboo for women, especially the ones with a BF or spouse, to say they don't want kids.


That is all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2011 10:55AM by anon123.

It doesn't really bother me to be called selfish for not wanting kids. I spent most of my child and teenage-hood changing diapers, disciplining children, etc. I was brainwashed into thinking I really wanted a big family and in my mid 20's I realized, "Gee, I don't think i really want children anymore!!!"

If people want to call me names for making the right choice, they can kick rocks for all I care.

In society if you are not a carbon copy of everyone else then you are evil and have failed.

All that talk about "just be yourself" and individuality is a load of hypocritical bullshit.

If you don't want children then that is YOUR CHOICE! You are not weird or strange. If you know yourself at your age then you are way ahead of the game. And if you know that you don't want children then stick with it! You can always change your game plan later if you feel like it.

After 47 years on this ball of dirt I've come to the conclusion that very, very few people should breed. But, again, that's a personal choice and I'm not going to dictate to anyone what they can or can't do.

There are enough people out there who feel that some god has called them to tell the world how to live. They are assholes. Ignore them.

She married my uncle, who was 40 and had 2 kids from his first marriage. She was only 26 and had difficulty finding a doctor who would do a permanent sterilization procedure on her when she was so young. But she was sure.

Actually, I always admired her for knowing her mind and not letting anyone pressure her into having kids she was at best, lukewarm about. I didn't see it as selfish at all because she wasn't just doing what was best for her. If she really felt that way about having kids, she was doing what was best for the child too. Who wants a mom that doesn't want to be their mom? Who wants a ambivalent mom that doesn't pay any attention to them? Who wants a mom who is just having kids to meet society's expectations or religious requirements. The only reason a woman should have a child is that she really, really wants one. So much that she doesn't mind the work, or diapers, or lack of sleep, or having to grow in patience or having to work overtime in setting a good example. And because she knows she can really really love the baby and is ready to parent it. There is NOTHING wrong with not having any children if you don't want to. It's wrong to do things you don't want to for the wrong reasons.

In my aunt's case, knowing for sure she never wanted to be a mom, it was the right thing to do for everyone concerned not to be pressured into having a baby. I wish more Mormon women could see that - or at least know when to quit. Some people can be a wonderful mom to one or two kids but the fourth or fifth really overwhelm them and then everything goes into shut down mode. At your age though, I wouldn't worry about it. I didn't start really wanting a kid until I was about 25. Before that it was just a theoretical, "I think I'll have a couple kids someday" sort of thing. When you are older, you'll either decide you want them after all or realize you were right all along. Just make sure your husband is on board with your basic family size before you marry him. Thankfully, DH only wanted 3 at most and we both knew that would be our basic family size before we ever got engaged. We only had two though but we are OK with that. Everything worked out the way it was supposed to and we love our small family. It's right for us, even if all the Momos are having bigger ones.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2011 11:13AM by CA girl.

If I could give birth to a baby whale or dolphin I would, but there are plenty of baby humans (although probably not enough to make sure I'll be able to collect social security).

I don't like babies either. Be careful who you vocalize that sentiment to because some women think everyone who doesn't like babies are devil worshipping, spree killing psychopaths.

I'm 43, a woman and kid-free!

I knew even as a wee girl that I didn't want to be a mother.

I don't get grief about it at all... but my family is not religious and they're pretty much 'live and let live - do what makes you happy' types.

People often assume that I don't like children. But, I love kids... just can't eat a whole one. ;-)

Seriously though, I do love kids... but motherhood? No thanks!

I should add too that most of my friends do not have children either, have never wanted them and don't foresee that changing. These people are all in their 40's, mostly in relationships and happy... and not brought up in families/religions that pressure people to procreate.

I personally think, that left to their own devices (ie, without religious and social pressures to have kids), a lot more people (mostly women, perhaps), would decide to be kid-free.

Being a mother myself, it is definitely not a job cut out for everyone. I would never judge anyone who chose not to have children. I chose my path and I love my path, you have to choose the path of doing what you love. :)

No matter what choices you make in life, there are going to be people who disagree with them and look down on you. This is their own insecurities talking. Don't let them get to you.

I always wanted to be a mom, but my husband had a vasectomy when he was with his ex wife. He got it reversed for free, courtesy of the Army. I haven't gotten pregnant and at this point, don't think I want to spend thousands of dollars to get pregnant, especially since my husband's daughters have turned out to be so hateful and refuse to speak to him... Parenthood has turned out to be a significant source of pain for him, and for me by proxy.

I prefer to have dogs and horses...

I mean, how "selfish" is it to not engage in a practice you're neither willing nor qualified to handle and run the risk of f**king up someone else's life?

Kids are cool, but they're only kids for a short time. A parent's job is to prepare kids for adulthood. Most don't. Mormons, in particular, view their kids as possessions. How f**king selfish is that?

And I don't care what anyone says. No one that has ever lived on this planet is capable of properly addressing the needs of more than three offspring, let alone eight or ten. Some folks think they are, but they're only fooling themselves.

Its the ultimate form of narcissism ifin ya axe me.

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2011 11:45AM by Timothy.

My SIL feels the same as you. She wants nothing to do with having kids. She prefers to spend her time training dogs.

that everyone gets to decide. I couldn't give up my kids--though some days . . . they do DRIVE ME NUTS.

I wanted 8 children. I had twins and never had more. I always liked babies until I had my own. It is entirely different when you are RESPONSIBLE for every need, but I'm talking in terms of emotional, mental, etc. The physical is easy. Imagine what you do when your son's wife leaves him or you find him after he tries to kill himself--or your daughter's boyfriend dumps her and she can barely stand up because she is crying so hard--and she keeps going to that damn mormon church.

My kids are EVERYTHING to me--watching them suffer has been living hell.

Motherhood is not what they tell you it is and I have said before I believe it is really, really selfish to have to validate yourself through having children. I brought these kids into the world and I will make damn sure they are taken care UNTIL--they aren't here to take care of me.

All I really ever wanted out of life is to be a wife and mother--they lied.

I have one, and my partner keeps saying we should have one more, but the idea sounds kind of like a nightmare to me. I mean, I love my daughter but she is kinda the bane of my existence right now. We just hit the terrible twos and I am losing my mind. If I had to go through this again, I would hate myself. I want to be able to spend time with her and give her everything she needs, so I don't plan on having more. That would shorten my fuse even more, not to mention the numbers in my bank account. If the dr's here would cut my junk out, I would have it done tomorrow.

My little sister goes around telling everyone that pregnant bellies freak her out, but then she turns around and says that she wants babies "because they're cute." They're not cute for most hours of the day. Anyway, I think that's a terrible reasons to want kids. I don't think it's selfish to NOT want any. If you know yourself and you know that you wouldn't be able to handle it, wouldn't be a good parent, don't want to deal with the stress, etc....then I think that's perfectly fine.

Many people have children as mere ego extensions, or to "continue the family line". Some assume having children means they have someone to care for them in their old age (which ain't necessarily so).

If you can't have children for the right reasons, or you can't change the whole focus of your life to be about your children, then you shouldn't be having them in the first place.

I had that hurled at me by a fundamentalist Christian... not even a Mormon.

"God made women to bear babies! Read the Bible! 1 Timothy 2:15!!" [That says women are saved by (or through) childbearing. I guess "grace" is only for men, huh?]

It used to bother me a lot, but it no longer does.

... I never said any of that s**t!

Damn revisionists!

Timothy

"God made women to bear babies! Read the Bible! 1 Timothy 2:15!!"

I think Timothy probably said something like:

'God woman! Get me a beer, baby!'

Most people have babies for selfish reasons.
I'm with you. I don't like babies and never wanted to have any!

I had an IUD inserted a couple of years ago and found the procedure excruciating. When it was over, the nurse whose hand I'd broken made the comment "Why is it always the ones with a high pain tolerance that don't want babies?"

To which I replied (still woozy from the pain), "It's not the pain of childbirth I'm so concerned with; it's the pain of the next 20 years or so after that I'm worried about."

I'm 41, childless and unmarried by choice, and loving every minute of it. I decided a long time ago that, to bring a child into my life that I wasn't sure I really wanted and wasn't necessarily prepared to care for and parent to the degree to which I believe children deserve, would be inherently a much more selfish act than making the sacrifice of not perpetuating my DNA.

Once, a "friend" called me selfish for this decision. I told her I thought it was selfish of my parents to have children they didn't want because they thought they were supposed to, and then spend the next 20 years treating us like shit. I'll spare my future nonexistent children that pain, thankyouverymuch. Now who's selfish?

anon123 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
I know I know, there's that "time"
> when everything in my thought will change, but
> I've heard of people like myself who decided at
> ages around mine and didn't change their mind even
> into mid twenties.

For some people, that never happens. Just because people tell you that does not make it true. I decided I didn't want kids, ever, when I was 15. I spent the next 20 years being told I didn't know my own mind and that would change.

It never did. I still know my own mind.

Don't let other people mess with your head. Only you know what's best for you.

For starters, they really can't do anything but be snarky. It may make you feel bad, but it shouldn't.

And on the bright side, the older you get, the less you care about what others think, so this is a largely temporary problem. And a great many people really are of the opinion that your child count is none of their business.

Even TBMs get more upset about apostasy than childlessness, and we are all surviving the apostasy thing just fine!

Society at large doesn't need to approve of all your personal decisions. The need for community approval in matters of parenting and the worry that people don't approve of your decisions are very Mormon. You're within your rights to make a personal decision not to have children. You're certainly entitled to feel any way you want about anything.

"I don't care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it."

-- Bill Burroughs

I love that William S. Burroughs quote! I always use it when someone tells me someone doesn't like me. It really gets a rise out of people, lol. :)

That quote may become my motto.

Here's the whole thing- I have it on my FB quotes:

..."I am not one of those weak-spirited, sappy Americans who want to be liked by all the people around them. I don't care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is what they are in a position to do about it. My affections, being concentrated on a few people, are not spread all over Hell in a vile attempt to placate sulky, worthless shits." William S. Burroughs

It's from his book "Interzone." If you ever read any Burroughs, just know he really loves the big H and he writes some fairly shocking and sometimes sick stuff.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2011 01:34PM by itzpapalotl.

OK, remember that you're being raised in a cult. As a nevermo, I've never, not even once, had anyone insinuate that women should just have kids and nothing else. And yes, I'm a woman. One who spent a looong time in school studying for a profession.

Once you get out in the real world, the subject rarely if ever comes up, and no expectations of such from others, unless they're Mormons.

Once you get away from Mormons, the world looks so different. I know a LOT of women who don't want children, including my son's long time girlfriend.

Your are part of a fast growing trend.

That is one of the VERY few things that I unabashedly adore about getting older. Other people's opinions don't mean diddly-squat!

"Your hair is kind of unstylish. Needs updated."

I don't care.

"A woman your age shouldn't be wearing blue jeans."

I don't care.

"Yellow gold is SO out of style... you need to get that ring reset in white gold!"

I don't care.

"You'd look more professional if you wore a skirt and high heels instead of those pants and flats."

I don't care.

"You should get contacts instead of glasses, glasses make you look old."

I don't care.


Etc.

Maybe if your "profession" is "hooker".

I actually get really disgusted by women who have babies, especially more than one or two. I for some reason can only think of them as mindless machines that can't control themselves. I think I got this mindset from seeing too many Mormon women with kids. I found it pretty amusing that some gays will hold women in contempt and call them breeders, which is to be expected. I mean, how gross is it that a hetero woman can trash-talk gays all they want for being gay, while they themselves overload our earth with stupid children who will in turn further overpopulate the earth with yet more stupid children? I only want two kids, a boy and a girl and I will teach them THOROUGHLY how to be independent, rational and responsible human beings. That is what should be done by ALL. The world would be a whole lot easier to deal with.