This is a repost of something I wrote last year, but I think it's a scripture worth knowing. Ezekiel is, by a mile, my favorite prophet, and I think it'll be clear why when you read onward.

EZEKIEL 16, or JERUSALEM: GOD’S DUMPSTER-BABY NYMPHOMANIAC BRIDE

(This is a condensed version of Ezekiel 16, taken from the NET Bible. This is what it actually says. I've marked my (slightly exaggerated, but incredibly sexy) commentary with three asterisks, ***, to separate it from the biblical text.)

16:3 …[Jerusalem,] your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite...

16:4 ...the day you were born your umbilical cord was not cut, nor were you washed ...nor wrapped with blankets.

16:5 ... you were thrown out into the open field...

16:6 “‘I passed by you and saw you kicking around helplessly in your blood. I said to you as you lay there in your blood, “Live!” I said to you as you lay there in your blood, “Live!”

16:7 I made you plentiful like sprouts in a field; you grew tall and came of age so that you could wear jewelry. Your breasts had formed and your hair had grown, but you were still naked and bare.

16:8 “‘Then I passed by you and watched you, noticing that you had reached the age for love... entered into a marriage covenant with you...

***To recap, God saves the abandoned baby girl, raises her and watches her. He has a moment where he spies her naked, glistening body - probably as she steps out of the bath - and notices that she has sprouted two pert, perky breasts and and a satiny patch of dark, thick pubic hair, and he thinks to himself, "I'm going to marry my daughter. It's totally cool: she's only my ADOPTED daughter."***

16:15 “‘But you trusted in your beauty and capitalized on your fame by becoming a prostitute. You offered your sexual favors to every man who passed by so that your beauty became his.

16:17 You also took your beautiful jewelry, made of my gold and my silver I had given to you, and made for yourself male images and engaged in prostitution with them.

***She made gold and silver dildos, and had sex with them.***

16:20 “‘You took your sons and your daughters whom you bore to me and you sacrificed them as food for the idols to eat. As if your prostitution was not enough,

16:21 you slaughtered my children and sacrificed them to the idols.

***WAIT, WHAT?! She’s slaughtering kids now?! Child murder is a much bigger deal than prostitution. Let’s focus on that.***

16:25 At the head of every street you erected your pavilion and you disgraced your beauty when you spread your legs to every passerby and multiplied your promiscuity.

***Never mind, I guess. My mistake. We’re back to the fucking.***

16:26 You engaged in prostitution with the Egyptians, your sexually aroused neighbors...

***Really, who could blame her? Ezekiel describes the Egyptians in Chapter 23, verse 20: “She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.”***

16:28 You engaged in prostitution with the Assyrians because your sexual desires were insatiable; you prostituted yourself with them and yet you were still not satisfied.

***Ezekiel 23:6-8 “[Warriors] clothed in blue, governors and officials, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding on horses...all of them were the choicest young men of Assyria...men had sex with her, fondled her virgin breasts, and ravished her.” Oh my. I'm getting the vapors!!! <fans self>***

16:29 Then you multiplied your promiscuity to the land of merchants, Babylonia, but you were not satisfied there either.

16:32 “‘Adulterous wife, who prefers strangers instead of her own husband!

***Oh, you poor God, how could she POSSIBLY prefer strange men to her surrogate father-husband, who groomed her to be his sexual servant from the time she was an infant?***

16:33 All prostitutes receive payment, but instead you give gifts to every one of your lovers. You bribe them to come to you from all around for your sexual favors!

16:34 You were different from other prostitutes because no one solicited you. When you gave payment and no payment was given to you, you became the opposite!

16:58 You must bear your punishment for your obscene conduct and your abominable practices, declares the Lord.

***Ezekiel 16:35-58, 24 boring verses, detail the punishments against Jerusalem.***

16:63 Then you will remember, be ashamed, and remain silent when I make atonement for all you have done, declares the sovereign Lord.’”


Far from showing God to be an omnibenevolent ruler and loving partner, this allegory paints a picture of Jehovah as a jealous, exploitative, opportunistic, quasi-incestuous child abuser and Jerusalem as an out-of-control sex addict with severe commitment issues in need of serious intervention by a loving family and mental health professionals. That’s what I see, at least.

But it's all allegory; all this sexually-charged language is totally fine, because it's make-believe, right?

Edit:

After a brief exchange with Baura below I thought it important to clarify my point here in the OP.

God is portrayed as an abuser, both in obvious allegory and through direct wording attributed to Him, throughout the Bible, and this allegory is just one of many examples. This conception of an angry, vengeful deity is historically appropriate and, when read in its proper context, it fits the M.O. of the gods of old.

But it is not the God advertised by the majority of biblical believers. For instance, many Christians choose to acknowledge the "nice" teachings of Jesus and focus on his death as the single greatest act of love in all of history, while ignoring his violence-laden end-times rhetoric.

The God of the Bible is not the God they worship.

Yesterday's god is not today's god, and the Bible has become obsolete.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2014 05:02PM by En Sabah Nur.

Of course it's allegory.

The "sexually charged" language and symbolism is only "hot" to
us in our post-Victorian, Mormon world.

"The 'sexually charged' language and symbolism is only 'hot' to us in our post-Victorian, Mormon world."

Even if I agreed with this statement, which I emphatically DO NOT, this is completely irrelevant.

I love the sexual nature of this allegory, even if it IS super icky. This is the kind of God I can see approaching Mary and forcing her to carry his divine seed (or "Spirit," or "breath," or "queef," or whatever means in which Mary's egg was inseminated by Yahweh's awesomeness.

Mary was an Israelite, God's Chosen People, His Adopted Children. As his adopted daughter, he chose to "overshadow her" blow his Spirit right up her baby hole and produce a child. She was not asked if it was cool; she was TOLD that it was going to happen, and by God - literally - IT happened!

I'm drawing a false correlation here, which I freely and happily admit. However, There's a problem with this language: it's immoral. The allegory, like the one where god is a slave owner, shows God as an abuser.

The God of the Bible IS an abuser: he murders, he rapes, he commits amazing act of atrocity by his own hands and by those of his followers. He advocates not just slavery but sex slavery. He is a very, very naughty God.

And Ezekiel is crazy as fuck. These are his words, and they are insane. He performed weird object lessons that would in no way impress anyone: Cutting off his beard, lighting some of the hairs on fire, throwing more to the wind and attacking the rest with a sword is hardly the behavior of a stable person. He waged war on bricks using tiny siege engines he built himself! He laid on his side for over a year with a weight on his hip, then turned over and did it again on the other side.

The dude is nuts, and his writing is insane.

En Sabah Nur Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I'm drawing a false correlation here, which I
> freely and happily admit. However, There's a
> problem with this language: it's immoral. The
> allegory, like the one where god is a slave owner,
> shows God as an abuser.
>
> The God of the Bible IS an abuser: he murders, he
> rapes, he commits amazing act of atrocity by his
> own hands and by those of his followers. He
> advocates not just slavery but sex slavery. He is
> a very, very naughty God.

Welcome to the ancient world. This is EXACTLY what people of
that time and place would expect of their god(s). Again, you
are reading this through present eyes. This was written back
in a time when no one questioned slavery and rape was not
forbidden but only regulated.

OF COURSE I'm reading this through my presentist eyes! I have absolutely no problem reading this from its proper historical context.

There's a disparity, however, in the profile of God advertised by most Christian and Jewish groups today and the one presented in the books of the Bible. Westboro Baptist Church excepted; they recognize that this God is intolerant and violent.

I'm not actually setting out to demonize the Bible writers, but rather to show that today's God is not yesterday's God, and the Bible most certainly was NOT made for us today.

Give me a little credit, Baura. I'm not a total dumbass.

En Sabah Nur Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I'm not actually setting out to demonize the Bible
> writers, but rather to show that today's God is
> not yesterday's God, and the Bible most certainly
> was NOT made for us today.

Bingo!

When I went to the KJV (Mormon) Bible, the language is not so "hot".

Why is there such a difference in the wording?

Language was deliberately softened in the KJV; that was one of the points of the translation.

Also, there are archaic phrases that we don't recognize today that would be instantly recognized 15th century, when it was published, as being of a more adult nature.

Virtually nobody uses the KJV anymore, because it often sacrificed accuracy for more flowery prose.

Anyway, it's good that you're comparing different versions. That will tell you much more about the text and difficulties in translating the scriptures in a way that will satisfy all scholars.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2014 05:04PM by En Sabah Nur.

I realized this difference when I went to the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit in Utah this past winter. They had a display of the Ten Commandments and the "keep the Sabbath day holy" included the line about letting your SLAVES rest on the Sabbath day. I have never heard of this before.

When I went to my KJV, I realized it said "man-servant" and "maid-servant"!! MUCH SOFTER LANGUAGE!

It's all sickening to me.

I'm sorry, but you are very wrong. Many churches still use King James. In fact all full gospel churches use the King James along with other translations. It has always been considered the most correct translation in Christian churches.

No, this is flat-out wrong. Most of what you just said is incorrect. Some churches may still use it, but it's going out of style fast, because it's an inferior translation. Pretty to listen to, perhaps, but it is not a good translation.

The KJV is what biblical scholars refer to as "dogshit."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/11/2014 09:25PM by En Sabah Nur.

I had to look up just what-in-the-fuck you meant by "full gospel church," and apparently it's another way of saying Pentecostal.

I've had several experiences with Petecostal churches, and if there's any Christian denomination I might nominate as cultish over Mormonism, I'm casting my vote for them.

I went to a prayer meeting where they played loud music, turned off the lights and screamed Jesus-y things at folks crammed in a small room, rocking back and forth and praying out loud. Someone would get so worked up they'd begin spouting gibberish and one of the pastors, or whatever they call their leaders would come over and start shouting "Oh Jesus, Jesus, JESUS!!!"

And shit like that.

You're never going to win an argument in behalf of Christianity by appealing to Pentecostals.

En Sabah Nur Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Virtually nobody uses the KJV anymore, because it
> often sacrificed accuracy for prose.
>

Yeah, and the only reason the LDS church still uses it is because the BoM is full of the Elizabethan English that the KJV used--it would be odd to have a OT and NT in readable modern english, then the BoM full of "thee" and "thou" etc.

funny arcane memory you just triggered

one of my favorite teen-age go-to paperback porn books was titled "The Hittite" about a rapacious romantic of the bawdy bronze age

pretty mild by today's standards but it rocked my world

The hottest book in the Bible is the Song of Songs aka Song of Solomon. Full of innuendos.

I haven't read the Song of Songs in a few years. I should go back and study it.

I love it so much. It's like you're thumbing through a really long, dull Harlequin Romance novel until BAM! You hit the hardcore chapter. The language is all fruity and flowery - literally - but it's enough to get the juices flowing.

"Blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out.
Let my beloved come into his garden,
And eat his precious fruits."

See? So. Fucking. HOT!!!

Ah, Innuendo!

Exactly! Ask about the Song of Songs when someone asserts the Bible is 100% literal & watch them sputter. "It's, it's a metaphor for Christ's love for the church."
No it isn't - it's about a man & a woman. "My hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the bolt."
Hot, beautiful & real.
Joe Smith Jr called it "uninspired."

well you can't beat your slave 7 days straight

god knew that until

horny joe reminded Him that when you snooze you lose

thank god it's wednesday!

:o)

Soooooo, what's the problem with these verses again? They are perfectly fine to read out loud in Youth Conference. I bet Peter Priesthoods would put down the iPhone for a bit and pay attention for once in p'hood class if this were the topic. It would spark much discussion around the relevant parts, breasts, legs, gold dildos. What's not to like?

PS: the code for this reply was "CTWET". Coincidence? I think not.

Is this yet another authenticity proof against the BoM? I don't think there's much "sexy talk" in the BoM, because Puritan influence in early America made that stuff naughty.

Real Hebrew prophets wouldn't hold their lusty poetics back.

If anything, the absence of hardcore pornographic language in the Book of Mormon works AGAINST the notion that Joseph Smith write the Gold Bible.

Said William Law, "Joseph was very free in his talk about his women. He told me one day of a certain girl and remarked, that she had given him more pleasure than any girl he had ever enjoyed."

Joseph had to have help; otherwise, that book would have been brimming with bursting bustiers and harems filled with lusty ladies clambering over one other to take a ride on the rod of Aaron, while a shirtless, herculean Joe Smith analog laughed loudly, waving his horse - sized genitals in their direction.

I don't think the lack of sex talk in the BOM is evidence one way or another of JS involvement. I think a Libertine is perfectly capable of writing a book with strict moral values for his/her own reasons. Additionaly, JS progressed in his liberties as he aged and his power grew. At the time the BOM was published he was still a nobody.

I was making a joke.

"...lusty ladies clambering over one other to take a ride on the rod of Aaron…"

That sure gives new meaning to "Hold to the Rod!"

I bet the real backstory is that this passage was written by a man who was infatuated with this beautiful woman his whole life. She became a prostitute, which sounds like it worked out pretty well for her actually, and he became consumed with jealousy.

Funny how, as a Mormon, that kind of aberrant behavior was horrific if seen in a different theology (like in Greek gods), but nobody in Sunday school bats an eye when 'our' god rapes his step daughter or slaughters an entire civilization just for looking funny.

In fact, it kind of highlights the issues with rape culture in Mormonism. If someone is special enough, it doesn't count as rape, you should feel honored to bear his child. Mary didn't need to consent to God, because it was God, anyone should be honored to be the mother of his children, and so he doesn't need to ask. Plus, you belong to him anyway, it doesn't count as rape if you are owned, and if it is honorable enough.

Rather twisted.

Slight correction: slaughters every man, boy and woman who has had sex, but the virgin girls were kept for Israelites to do with as they pleased.

Oh right, can't forget sex and virginity obsessed god needing to make sure the virgins are okay and "put to good use"

well duh

it should be obvious but it just now hit me

polygamy was god's consolation prize to men for messy menstruation

out of 27 brides, there would always be one that was not in her menses

From 16:33 to 16:34 sounds like my first wife.

Verse 25 is totally me.

Any married woman who ends up pregnant with another mans baby just needs to claim that God did it.

Hopefully there will be some kind of crazy planetary thing going on shortly thereafter. Three men will show up with jewelry and drugs. Yep, all is well.