Posted by:
Knight in Waiting
(
)
Date: April 17, 2014 10:25PM
.. for the past few days. I think I might have spent almost all of the past three days lying in bed until around 7 pm because my anxiety and sadness weigh heavily on my body. Just from yesterday until today, I couldn't even sleep until 2pm today. Now I have work in 3 hours.
I suppose that the sadness stems from basically losing Princess to the cult. According to her, we're on a "break" but that feels almost as painful if she had broken up with me and never spoken to me again. I know there's a sliver of a chance that she'll break the mental conditioning of TSCC since she has plenty on her shelf as it is, but I also recognize that the odds are probably not in my favor, just from seeing many of your experiences.
It's frustrating that I can't do anything about breaking her free, and I'm not sure what else I can do besides be there for her as a friend. I wish I COULD do more.
I know that my anxiety is coming from my fear of losing her, being alone all day long with my thoughts, missing out on school, dealing with work, and coping with so many other probably stupid and frustratingly irrational things.
A few years ago (I think about 3.5 now) I used to hurt myself. Ever since I've committed to stopping, there's always been this ever-present burning sensation in my arm, especially during times of duress and anxiety. Almost like my body is pleading for me to hurt it again.
I would never do that again, because I know how stupid and endangering that is. An act so asinine never really accomplishes for remedies much anyways. Like hell I'm going to give into that again.
My point is that my anxiety is killing me right now, and I'm not really sure what I can do. I'm trying to preoccupy my thoughts by reading her on RfM but other than that I can barely bring myself to do much else. Stupid, stupid body. I wish my appointment with my psychiatrist for my first prescription wasn't two weeks away.
I feel awful. I hate feeling like this.