I haven't seen a good masturbation thread in like 2 whole days, so I thought I would descend into pure evil by bringing up the horrible topic of self abuse.

Here is my cure for any of you guys out there who may imbibe in this most EVIL of all experiments against the body through carnal means to get rid of the guilt which the Church has heaped upon us for years in partaking of this forbidden fruit

Here are a couple thought experiments for when you are feeling the guilt.

1. If God who designed the great and infinite universe and everything in it did not want you to do it, then why design the hands so that they so easily reach that area down there?

2. Now this is the absolute reason why I NEVER feel any guilt, even when I was doing it as a TBM, and I don't see WHY this doesn't occur to the Brethren anyways...if it did, they would NEVER guilt someone about the practice EVER again, which means that it's all about control.

Now on to the thought experiment. Your testes produce BILLIONS of sperm guys. Each time you spank the monkey, you are literally subjecting millions of potential half genetic future people to oblivion (you should be ashamed) however, IF your OWN Father HAD either spanked the monkey ONE MORE TIME, or ONE LESS TIME...You would not be HERE TODAY as you are.

So how do we know that 'GOD' isn't controlling the all powerful urges to make sure that YOU were the specific person created? We have BILLIONS of spirit children of our Father in Heaven waiting to come here to Earth right? And we are UNIQUE individuals up there right? And our bodies are a gift because they make us US. To make sure for example, I was born a MALE, and not a female, maybe some other sperm had to be 'eliminated' to make sure that the right match was made for my spirit to get the RIGHT body.

Anyways, It worked for me. I used to feel guilty when I was younger for all the times I did it. Then I realized that if I had slacked off just once in all those years...I would NOT have the same kids I have today.

Of course playing devils advocate here, perhaps the reason why my kids are sometimes rebellious is that the preordained kids that I was supposed to raise in this life GOT THE WRONG bodies, and that's why they won't shut off the Television or do their chores when I ask them. The spirit got into the wrong egg-sperm combination.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2014 05:08PM by ultra.

Another reason(this applies to men only):If you don't get rid of the excess swimmers manually, your body will do it automatically and involuntarily via wet dreams. This will leave your sheets all sticky and smelly in the morning. You wouldn't want your mother to wash your bedsheets more than necessary, now, would you?
So, for all you horny teen boys out there, do it for your mother's sake!

Re: #1)

In his inscrutable wisdom God made your hand the only thing that will reach down there.

Feet and lips are excluded because other wise men would never get out of bed.

:o)

And of course God never banged Mother Mary.

He wanked into a turkey baster and then blessed her, the naughty bastard.

Your logic is infallible!