Does anyone else ever feel that pull to start reading the BOM again or go back to church ?
I have been feeling that stronger than ever , and I honestly don't know what to make of it.

I had similar feelings a few times when I first stopped going to church, but then I'd review my reasons for leaving and those feelings would disappear. It's only been a year now since I left, and I haven't had those feelings for several months. Instead, I now occasionally have bad dreams where I'm sitting in sacrament mtg or elders quorum, thinking to myself, " why the hell am I here again?"

When I first left, I was missing my friends, but I realized that going back just to be with them wasn't going to help me to fit in anymore. I knew that I couldn't go back, because of that fact.

It was brought home to me when I went back for a funeral. I thought, "I don't fit in here anymore."

It passes. I can't imagine ever having that feeling now.

That is the result of the conditioning you likely had for many years. (I don't know how long you were in.)

When I first left, I knew intellectually that the church wasn't true, but my mind was arguing with itself, "but the church IS true." "The church ISN'T true," "It is," It isn't."

I really didn't know how I was going to make the final decision. It isn't easy to over-ride almost 50 years of conditioning.

But I know that my integrity wouldn't allow me to return - and inevitably be called to a position where I would be required to teach to others (most likely children) that which I know to be false.

I did dream a few times that I'd somehow ended up in Sacrament meeting & the bishop (in one of the dreams) asked me to give the closing prayer. My response was, "are you REALLY sure you want me to do that?"

Hell no! The longer I am gone the more I want nothing to do with that damn cult or that horrible work of fiction.

I recently reconnected with an ex-girlfriend and it was a really good experience to have - taught me that my memories are completely unreliable

What happened is that over time we both 'forgot' how bad it was and pined for how great it was

Then we got back together and for a short time it was amazing. But that feeling was short lived: all of the old issues came back up and it was a disaster

There are some very good reasons why we broke up

Same for you - you had positive experiences in your life that are connected with church and the BoM because you were a believer but going back to those things now will not bring new positive experiences into your life - I'm sure you had some good reasons for leaving

In a way it is a good sign because it means that you are past the anger stage

But there's nothing stopping you from re-reading the BoM - with your new knowledge i'm sure you'll have a completely different experience...

like why you left in the first place.

What did you discover that sent you out of the cult?



Kathleen Waters

ReThinking Wrote:
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> Does anyone else ever feel that pull to start
> reading the BOM again or go back to church ?

That's the brainwashing, darlin.' It diminishes with time.

;o)

No, not even close

It's a fraud, a cult, and stupid.

It doesn't even bring people closer to Jesus.

You need help

Sometimes it seems like it would be nice to have that instant comraderie again. I've sometimes thought it would be nice to rub shoulders with old associates, but there are just a couple of problems- I couldn't go back to my own ward family without having to spend the next year earning their trust and affection.

If I was to go to church once in a while it would have to be away from my Stake to avoid a hassle. Secondly, showing up somewhere unknown as a visitor would require continuous glad-handing with people who would withdraw the hand of fellowship the instant they found out I'm an Apostate.

I thought I'd eventually go back. Every now and then I'd go to SM and sit on the sofa in the foyer--get there late, leave early--as I didn't want to be called to yet another calling.

I'd go back once in a while searching for whatever it was I thought I had found there previously. Eventually I never went back again.

So, go back. See how you feel. I'd bet eventually you'll never go back again.

The sure fire cure to these deep-seated symptoms of indoctrination is to rationally follow through the plan of salvation to its logical conclusion. Go all the way through and you'll realize the whole thing is a pyramid scheme, that there is no creativity, and that you'll end up doing the same thing over and over and over for the rest of eternity.

If you're a guy, that means moving up the pyramid depending on how many spirit children pass the mortality test and become gods themselves, which pushes your god further up the pyramid, and his god further up the pyramid, and so forth and so on.

If you're a gal, that means popping out spirit children for the rest of eternity, taking your turn along with your god's other celestial wives, which means there better be some celestially strong anti-depressants in the celestial kingdom.

Just think it through, and you'll realize it's exactly the kind of scheme you'd expect 19th century american con men to conjure up...

The best thing you can do as an exmormon is to reread the BoM. If you do so, your conviction of why you left will strengthen. Why don't you read the first edition this time, starting with the title page? When I attempted to rebuild my shelf, It always falls (again) right around the story of Laban.

I'm not sure if you are asking for advice, but my take is to go ahead and read it again. It is only a book. I actually believe that most TBM's have never critically read the BoM. That is why they are TBM's.

Perhaps what you really want is God - or faith, or spirituality, or deeper spiritual knowledge and understanding, or a way to make sense of life and the world through faith, or a sense of higher purpose, or a faith community to be part of and belong to and be loved by. Mormonism is what you have been accustomed to turn to when you desire to reconnect with God.

You CAN still connect with God anywhere, including even the Mormon/LDS Church, and also independently in your own home in prayer and in spiritual activity or service. You CAN still connect with God through words of prayer to Him and glorification of Him, such as those in the Bible or the BOM. But if you are set on not going back to TCoJCoLDS, then try exploring other faiths.

That is how, after much study, learning, analysis, prayer, inquisitiveness, reflection, challenging mistaken assumptions, discovery, and guidance, I eventually found my chosen faith (Hare Krishna) and spiritual fulfillment. No push to go anywhere else or pull to fall back to my former faith community any longer. :-)

I forgot about the conditioning that all other paths are an abomination to God.

That and that alone is enough to know Mormonism is false.

A loving God would not create billions of people and only grant a communication to the tiniest sliver of population, despising all others.

I never liked the idea God had chosen people.


Kathleen Waters

Nor did I!

If one ever goes back - for whatever reason - be absolutely sure that you NEVER give them any money for ANYTHING.

I've been out nearly a year and I have the same thoughts (of going back). It's difficult to admit that something that brought me such happiness as a youth and that ALL of my family and friends cherish is built around a 200 year old con.

I think that's why I frequent this site so often...to get reassurance that I've made the right decision! Find a good support group and do whatever it is that your heart/mind/body tell you is right.

All I have to do is think of Joseph looking at a rock in his hat to "translate" the BOM, as well as him coersing dozens of young girls to marry him and I know I couldn't ever believe anything ever said in church again.

Luckily I have a great husband and friend that encourage me to find MY truth. It's a scary yet exciting journey to figure out what I think and believe. There is truth and light and inspiration and joy and happiness everywhere. One doesn't have to belong to any organization to find those.

Once I figured out that the BoM and BoA were clearly fiction, there was no fixing that hole in the wall. There was never the tiniest temptation to return. Sure, returning would have made my
life easier. I value integrity over social acceptance. I really had no other choice that I could live with.

Perfectly normal. I went through it too as all of us here on rfm have as well. Find things to occupy your time to distract you. Stay strong. Maybe talking to friends who are NOT Mormons. You can always vent here. That's what we are here for. You will get through this.

For many of us who were in the church during the 50s, 60s, and 70s, there are quite a few good memories of activities and people. We have to accept the reality of that even as we accept that doctrinally it was all a lie. At times, it was a pleasant lie.

Go back? Hell no! The Mormons have me still sealed to my wife-beater temple husband, who now has two more ex-beaten celestial wives. The Mormons tell me that my children (by my second husband) would also be considered his property. No. Way.

As for you, dear ReThinking, this is your own personal journey, different from mine. Go ahead, and return to "the fold." It's too bad the Mormon church is not like other churches, who "allow" visitors to attend services whenever and wherever they please, and sit with their friends, if they want to, and visit afterwards, even at a "coffee-time" mingle. Perhaps you can sneak into the back, or go to a different ward, or even sit in the foyer (I would feel demeaned doing so, as though I weren't "worthy enough" to sit in the main chapel). Some wards used to have a room where the services are piped in over a speaker system.

Actually, there is a real sacrament meeting televised on KBYU every Sunday morning--just like being there, only not having anyone accost you and ask you to do something.

If you are in doubt, going back to church would help you make up your mind. You might enjoy the attention, even if it is temporary. Maybe you've been away long enough to know that the Mormons have no real authority over you, and no real authority from God. God does not require that you pay 10% of your income. God is not petty over issues like temple underwear, perfect obedience, attendance records. Also, you never have to read the Book of Mormon again! I know people who go to church under those circumstances, but they all complain that they don't fit in. They usually go because of family pressure. If you don't have that, you are lucky.

Maybe you could also, um, consider going to a Christian church? Maybe you miss having a LOVING God in your life. There's nothing wrong with giving things a try.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2014 12:13AM by forestpal.

I did the beginning of the year. I read a few chapters in the BoM and had to put it down. I haven't touched it since.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2014 12:31AM by brandywine.

I didn't go through this feeling of wanting to go back, but many have. The evidence seems to stack up pretty high for many, many differing ways people experience and are a "mormon".

I, myself, have attended, since I became an apostate, meetings here and there because a family member was singing or performing a piano solo, etc. and seriously, I am so ready to get the hell out of there when it is appropriate, I can hardly contain myself. The false hushed reverent drone of some of the prayer givers, the bishop giving the hire-ups' spiel he is forced to deliver, the talks where the speakers are told to use pages l5 to 19 in the Ensign, the member's vacant stares, closed eyes, or cellphone activity, etc. etc. etc.

It all, in seriousness, nauseates me.