MY JOURNEY HOME FROM MY MORMON MISSION.
Hi, alright here goes. I need to vent. It'll be therapeutic. :)

I grew up in southeast Idaho where there is a large Mormon population, I never felt like I've had a strong "testimony" of "the gospel" but, I always figured it was the truth. So many people I love and respect believe it is.

Maybe it was because I was afraid to question and find out it wasn't. I'd be left in the dark without direction or an explanation of life. I really don't know why I just figured it was true.

High school was a hard time for me I struggled with depression. I was always quiet in school, I HATED school. I had just a small group of close friends. Man looking back I was one lost pissed off dude.

I started smoking pot, drinking and getting myself into alot of bad situations this was a dark time for me. I hated life. I studied politics (I'm a libertarian) like it was my religion and was thoroughly convinced the world was going down the shitter. I had a distrust of any sort of authority. I saw so much greed and corruption in the world. but for some reason in my mind the church was exempt from that. Once again probably because I was scared of not having purpose in life or an explanation.

I started fooling around with a girlfriend. which worsened my guilt and my depression. It was an extremely dysfunctional relationship. She wanted to be chaste but we AlWAYS ended up doing the same dirty things. After I graduated we were still dating and I was sick of feeling like shit about myself and the way I was living my life.

She convinced me to go confess my "sins" to the bishop. The bishop was a bald guy who cried alot in church. He was a great guy and although it was uncomfortable talking to him about what i had done.. I changed for the better.I started to build confidence in who I was and what I wanted.I ended up breaking with my girlfriend after 2 years of our dysfunctional sex based relationship. it was for the better. we weren't compatible to begin with.

anyways, I started to date an amazing girl who was leaving on her mission. This really got me thinking about a mission. I saw all the happy fairtale mormon couples and I decided that I would eventually want that temple marriage and a beautiful family and live happily ever after. My parents kept mentioning a mission to me. Most everyone my age had already gone and I was one of the only guys in my ward in my age group who hadn't gone.

I made the decision to go because I wanted a temple marriage and what good girl would take a guy who didn't guy go on a mission? I imagined helping people change their lives for the better. help them realize that the past doesn't necessarily have to define their future. I had gone through some rough times and my life had completely changed. I was a New person and I felt happy. It didn't last long though...

I got my call to Guatemala and started preparing for the mission. Now, I had never gotten my confirmation that the book of mormon was true. I Believed in God because of the change in my life. So I asked God followed by...the INTERNET...like i did with everything else I wanted to learn about. I figured that if I was going to be preaching the gospel. I should be able answer hard questions about the church and really take a look at both sides. Surely if this was the true church there had got to be good answers or evidence of the "truthfulness" of the restoration.

I stumbled across some interesting things about the church I had never heard of before. Book of Abraham in particular was the hardest to get over. FAIR became my lifeline. their "answers" never satisfied me but I clung to them. I was desperate. I had already gotten my call and my parents were so proud of me. This is when things really started to suck.

I began a semester up at BYUI. Now, I have always hated the CULTure of the church. While I was up there seeing so many people blindly following the bishop or the President or the Prophet really bothered me. Unquestioning loyal servants. it seemed to me the priesthood authority was the same thing as God

The return missionaries up there were sooo anal about all the silly little rules. They seemed more concerned with all that little insignificant rules than they seem concerned with the stuff that actually matters like loving your neighbor and your enemies, showing compassion, not judging people, ya know just being an all around good person ( ya know all the stuff Jesus taught). With them obedience prioritized over love. It was like a competition of righteousness. Truly pathetic. It really freaked me out and I started to question the church even more.

At one point I decided for a day that the church wasn't true. I FELT GREAT. it didn't last long though. I then felt guilty for feeling great that the church wasn't true. Its amazing how programmed I was. Actually quite sad but of course it was all MY fault for not being strong enough and exercising enough faith. Everyone else "knew" it was true. Why was I unable to just believe? I was in a state of severe cognitive dissonance.

I wanted it to be true and I was trying desperately to convince myself it was. I procrastinated going to the temple for my endowment. I was terrified. I had read all about Freemasons and secret societies from my high school days, all that ritualistic bullshit. I knew that that was what it was probably going to be. I didn't want it be. but regardless I went through and was apathetic about it.

All the time growing up I had always wondered what went on in the temple. I was now finally there. A couple of times I almost started laughing out loud. It was sooooo weird to see all of my relatives dressed in aprons and chef hats doing secret handshakes. I thought to myself "So this is what its all been about. no wonder they kept it a big secret this shit is fucking crazy." Becoming a god and owning my own planet also seemed pretty blasphemous to me. That's right in line with freaky-ass new age/kabbalah/mysticism doctrine.

As soon as I put the garments on I instantly hated them. I felt like I was property of the church and my individualism had been taken from me. I couldn't imagine having sex with my future wife while wearing those damn things before hand. Ugliest most uncomfortable unsexiest things ever.

Eventually I decided to conform and made the decision to believe and forget all the stuff I had read. I had to for my sanity. I left for my mission and felt alright about it. In the back of my mind all of the things I had read were still festering at me. I had only suppressed my questioning nature and accepted the church. This didn't last long though.

I arrived at the Guatemala MTC. Things got really tough. 14 hours of class a day, constantly trying to force myself to be something i wasn't an EXTROVERT. Not just an extrovert though, an extrovert in SPANISH.

The way I would describe the mindset of alot of lds people is superstitious not only 200 years ago but currently. I was told a couple of times that I took away the spirit from the class.(the superstition is all about the "spirit") one time it was because I drew devil horns on a cartoon mouse. I was told it was demonic and not funny at all. I found this quite amusing.

Another aspect of the superstition and something constantly hammered into us is that our conversions depended on exact obedience to the rules. "obedience brings blessings" but "exact obedience brings miracles" I didn't understand how if I didn't make my bed in the morning that would mean God would punish not only me but my potential converts. but nevertheless, This caused me to feel paranoid about every little rule. I felt like god was watching every little move I made so that when I goofed up or forgot to do something he would be there to punish me and POOF! the spirit would be gone. No converts for me.

While in the MTC they hooked us up with an "investigator" which we taught as a district. We would pray about what lesson we should teach him and spend a lot of time carefully preparing. His eternal salvation was dependent upon us(Missionaries in training). It was extremely nerve racking. When we eventually committed him to baptism my companion cried. I had felt the spirit SO STRONG during our lessons and during our prayers prior to the lessons. Well it was later revealed to us that our "investigator" was actually our new teacher.(LYING FOR THE LORD). Our district was devastated. We all felt deceived.

This got me thinking about the supposed "spirit" that I had felt. I felt like God had literally given us Revelation to teach him the lessons that we did and that he had genuinely needed to hear what we were teaching him only to find out it was a complete fraud. I had felt the "spirit" but did it change the fact that our investigator was a fake? NO. I came to the conclusion that the "spirit" was a psychologically conditioned emotional response. It's hammered into you from the time you're a sun beam to a geriatric high priest.

Ahh but, This was only the beginning. I started to make doctrinal comparisons between the New Testament and the Book of Mormon. I spent every moment I could reading. I once asked my MP in one of his lessons "If the endowment is ESSENTIAL to salvation then why does Jesus speak nothing of it in the new testament?" He had no answer for me. He then strongly discouraged me from asking those kinds of questions. I should exercise faith. " We don't know these things right now but we will in the next life." That kind of talk frustrated the hell out of me. Things were becoming a lot clearer.

I was starting to become really pissed off with the church and the way it treated its missionaries. Here I was sacrificing 2 years of my life to help "build the kingdom" and I was treated like I owed it to them. No gratitude from anyone. I didn't hear the MP thank us once for sacrificing time money and energy to help the church. The other thing that made me mad was we were treated like we couldn't be trusted whatsoever. So many unnecessary rules.

1 week prior to entering the field we were watching the Joseph Smith Restoration movie. It made everyone in the district cry. Whilst I thought to myself. How historically accurate is this video really? I mean can you imagine if they showed him translating the BOM out of a hat? or better yet the dynamic of smiths polyandry and the distress it must have caused Emma? or him smoking cigars and shooting 2 dudes just before he was shot dead at Carthage? Would they show the part when he fucked 14 year old Fanny in the barn? that d go over well for the potential converts thinking of joining the church.

I felt lied to. NO ONE would join the church if they told the historically accurate version of what happen in our missionary lessons instead of the whitewashed bullshit version. I asked myself, if I wasn't born into this church and I was just researching it would I join? HELL NO!!

At that moment I decided that I had had enough force-fed lies of the so called church. I went to my room immediately, packed my bags up and went to the MP's office to tell him what I thought. I expressed to him my concerns. He said "NOW, I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT HE WAS A TRUE PROPHET. WHATS THE REAL REASON YOU WANT LEAVE?" (implying that I hadn't cleared things up I"m going to assume.) "HOW WILL YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR FUTURE SON SITS ON YOUR LAP AND SAYS "daddy did you go on a mission? so and so's dad went to this place." AND YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU CAME HOME EARLY"

I told him I didn't care and that it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be spending my life as a mormon anymore. This REALLY pissed him off. He then tried to argue it further with me. I told him it made no difference what he said, I had made up my mind. None of his manipulative talk would change my decision.

So I called my parents who surprisingly were very understanding accepting and loving. My dad has known about the problems with the church for a long time (I later found out he hasn't read the book of mormon in 8 years). I have alot of respect for my parents keeping their marriage together for my families sake. I have a great relationship with my parents they understand where I'm coming from and love and accept me for who I am. and I love and accept them for them.

Coming home was one of the best decisions I've made. I feel very lucky to have escaped. I feel like the mission put my mental health at stake. Leaving the church has enabled me to view people as people not as prospects to push my mormon agenda on. I feel no right to pass judgement on anyone because there isnt ONE true answer key to the universe anymore.

I feel I can accept people for who they are. Even mormons. I have no hard feelings for the members. (I have alot of family who still is) I once was there I understand the mindset and I don't hold anything against them. There are assholes (like my MP) in every religion.

I certainly have alot to hold against the church though. Justice will be served in the end eventually. As more and more people find out about the origins of the church it will "surly die" and "it will go down" haha.

I want to say thanks for all the support on the forums you guys are great. leaving the church can be a painful thing. I've read some bad exit stories (alot worse than my experience) I'm glad to know there is support for those having a hard time out there. YOUR'E NOT ALONE! PEACE Y'ALL!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2014 10:15PM by IdahoDude.

You're very brave. Thanks for sharing your story.

Thanks for sharing! Your story is similar to mine. I appreciate you're take on things.

Cheers!

That was very fun to read. Thanks for sharing and congrats on seeing through the bullshit so early. You saved yourself from a long, pointless 2 years. What do you plan on doing now?

Whatever you do from now I hope it includes writing! You're very good and I enjoyed reading your story!

Thank you! I'm going on a hitchhiking wilderness backpacking trip with some friends in Oregon for a couple months. Which I am SO STOKED about. Then I'll be heading to Arizona to go to school to become a chiropractor. but who knows if I like the woods enough maybe I'll just stay there haha :)

I wish my Idaho ex had the same experiences you had. It would have saved him at least 50 years of misery. It would have also spared me the two years of being married to a RM that was in no way marriage material.

He's in his late 60's now. Im still not sure that he's come to a peaceful resolution where moism is concerned.

I'm very happy for you. You figured it out early in life. It will be part of your history, not your future. Lucky you!

Hey There IdahoDude,

Thanks much for sharing your story with us.

It takes great courage and integrity to make the decision that you did in regards to terminating your mission mid-stream. I wish i had done the same.

I shared many of your insights about the church while on my mission and essentially mentally checked out of it on my plane ride home after 2-years realizing that it simply was not and could not be what it claimed to be.

I wish you continued success in all your endeavors as the Mormon bubble needs more decisive, intellectually honest and courageous young men like yourself who actually willing to "stand for something" more than those so-called "authorities" who sit up front in the big red velvet chairs at Gen-Con every six months.

Thanks for your example to many who will follow in your footsteps no doubt.

Or so it seems to me...

I wish I had had your courage and left my mission in London in 1972 when I intellectually understood that the church was probably not "true".

Awesome/sad story. It seems like you've grown a lot over the years. Thank you for not converting anyone. :)

Your MTC teaching experience is very telling! It shows how fallible our feelings are and how the church uses that to deceive people.

Good luck on your journey!

It isn't just telling about our fallible feelings but how the church leaders lie and extort the members. I was really bothered about the fake convert.

Thank you for your story, IdahoDude! I never went on a mission, and missionary stories intrigue me. Please keep a copy of your story, to PROUDLY show your son someday. You were born into a cult, survived it, and got out. Do you realize how very difficult it is for missionaries to leave, like you did? Congratulations! You are a man of integrity. You will never be like those BYU returned missionaries--and I knew hundreds of them when I was there.

You are lucky to leave now, before you made the mistake of marrying a Mormon in the temple. Now, you can marry for love. I mean real, unconditional, Christ-like love, for an individual, instead of just a role. You will be free to love your children the same way, even if they are musicians or Democrats, or their best friends are atheists, even if they marry someone of another race, even if they never go on a mission.

You are already wise. Who knows, your parents seem like reasonable, good people, and they might follow you out. My children led me out of the cult. I hope you plan on continuing your education. You seem intelligent. Good luck in your future. It is all ahead of you, with no limits, now.

People that come home early are my heroes. I wish I would have had that courage but I allowed myself to be crushed under the guilt, shame, and manipulation.

I second that.

It is a great place to read. Welcome aboard, it's an interesting ship here :)

Your exit story is wonderful. I like the way that you show your mental thought process as you found your way out. Please post this again on the Exmormon Bios board on this site. It will be very helpful to others over the years.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/list.php?3

Thank you for sharing. I hope your story is archived to help other missionaries sum up the courage to leave, or cope with challenges of coming home early. Glad you went home, AND that your parents were good about it. :)

Enjoy your new freedom!!

I want to be very clear here.

I am up high in finance (Wall St)

I have employed a lot of young people, /kids, on a lot of money. Some were exceptional, some just outstanding.

I've seen good, I know good

If this is recent, then You've got spunk kid. You've got your shit together

Back yourself, work hard, and you will go places.

So glad you had the guts to leave your mission! You really stood up for yourself.

Way to go!!! Good for you not putting up with the crapola any more and leaving your mission.

Right on!

Who didn't hate Garments first time?

Great story!

The key thing in your entire story is that you had understanding, accepting, and loving parents to go home to. I am sure their acceptance of who you were made life after your MTC stay, and moving on afterwards, a lot more normal and painless. You were one of the lucky ones.

Many missionaries stay on their missions out of fear of what they would face by coming home early. After I walked out of the MTC, on my plane ride home I hoped for the best and feared for the worst from my family. I walked off of the plane and stepped into a living hell. At every turn where I needed, love, help, and support, my family was there to push me further down. This was my punishment for the shame and embarrassment I had brought upon them. I guess I was on a mission for THEM, not myself.

I KNOW the courage it takes to walk out of the MTC. Congrats on that and your journey out of the church. And kudos to your supportive parents. I would have given ANYTHING to have folks like them.

...your life can turn into a living hell. I desperately wanted to come home at month 5. I was EXHAUSTED. But on a phone call home my parents were so bat shit crazy, I stayed just to not have to deal with them. Oh you bet...a mission is for the family honor and reputation...nothing to do with you and if you die....all the better. A martyr for the church! It's totally fucked up. If you don't have love and support to come home to it changes the whole equation.

IdahoDude: "Leaving the church has enabled me to view people as people not as prospects to push my mormon agenda on. I feel no right to pass judgement on anyone because there isnt ONE true answer key to the universe anymore."

Very well said.

Please get some therapy with respect to your warped and twisted ideas about sex. What you did with your girlfriend is NOT dirty or shameful or BAD in any way. It's normal and typical and part of normal sexual development. The relationship wasn't dysfunctional because you had sex. If it was dysfunctional, fine, but having sex with someone you love ≠ dysfunctional. I'm just so sorry for you that attitude has been ingrained into your brain. It's unhealthy and unsustainable.

You misunderstand me. I don't think sex is bad or dirty or wrong. At the time I did (that's why I used that wording) but, only because my actions were done out of lust not love that's why it was dysfunctional. Thanks for the condescending comment bro! hahaha

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2014 09:30PM by IdahoDude.

So impressed with your story out. Life will make much more sense now that your looking from the outside..in the TSCC scheme. It's always thrilling to read these exit stories and the awakening of the individual. Also, love the way you stood up for yourself with the MP. He is a prick for telling you that manipulative BS about your future son.

Yes, congrats on having the courage to not only leave, but tell the MP the real reason you were leaving - the church is a manipulative and fraudulent organization.

I wish I had left my mission early, too, several decades ago. One day, I'll post my story of almost leaving on several occasions, but hanging in for the full two years due to family and other pressures.

You can hold your head high, my friend.

Your story was a great read. Be sure to keep a detailed journal because your story is just beginning. You will want to look back on the days you traveled in the wilderness and were at college studying, finding yourself, finding your own answers instead of accepting FAIR pablum.

One question I have for you. You mentioned your family stayed in the church for the sake of the family. What do you think of that idea? Are you grateful they didn't tell you the truth about their doubts?

And finally, will they leave once all the children are grown? Will they ever be able to live an authentic life?


Kathleen Waters

Thanks Kathleen!
Well my mom believes in the church. I think more out of tradition than anything. My dad not so much. he goes to church but he believes God is universal. My dad watched his 2 brothers leave the church and it split their families and caused alot of pain. I'm very grateful that my parents were able to keep the marriage together. I feel very lucky after watching the havock that the divorce wreaked on my cousins.

No I don't think my mom will ever leave and my dad probably won't either. The important thing is is that to them its only a church. Not a life style. It doesn't define every aspect of their lives. Either way they're happy which makes me happy. I respect the decisions that they have made. I feel they live very authentic lives. I have never heard my dad say he "KNOWS" Joseph smith was a true prophet. He was on his own journey of finding out the truth about the church as well. I don't think he wanted to burden me with his doubts. Which I completely understand. Finding out the church isn't true really sucks! He's always encouraged me to think for myself. I have alot of respect for my parents.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2014 10:13PM by IdahoDude.

Thank you all for the support! I'm glad so many people enjoyed my exit story!