Ok, so I would just like to preface this with: I am not thinking of dying anytime in the near future. I am a young adult with a lot ahead of me and to look forward to.

That said, unexpected tragedies and accidents can occur, and in the instance that something did happen, I want to be sure that my Mormon parents and extended family would absolutely NOT have the ability to give me a traditional LDS funeral.

I just finished reading an absolute horror story of an LDS funeral that was a "ra-ra-ra we have the plan of salvation" event, and I have attended many funerals similar to that where they spend time honoring the deceased's religion rather than the deceased individual.

Granted, I am atheist/agnostic/secular so I don't believe in any sort of an afterlife-- so you may be wondering why I should care if I believe I wouldn't exist after-the-fact... That's a valid point, but I believe our legacy in life is all we have left at the end of our lives, and honoring the legacy of a person (be it good or bad) should be what funerals are all about.

The last thing I would want (heaven forbid I should outlive my folks) is my Mormon parents to absolutely disregard my open and vocal secularism and give me a Mormon funeral with Mormon hymns and Mormon talks, put me in a coffin, bless the grave, etc.

If I specify how I want my funeral put together, does it legally have to be honored? (I have a feeling my parents would disregard my wishes if I left them DO-NOT list anyways.)

How does the state handle bodies? Do they just turn them over to the nearest family member? Can you legally specify who you want your body turned over to or NOT turned over to? Are the involved parties legally obligated to honor your funeral arrangement requests? What happens if requests of the deceased are violated? How do you formally set up post-humus arrangements?

Can you request that no family members be notified of death, and if you could do that, how would the state handle your remains?

I know this all sounds really morbid, but I figure we all have to end up thinking about this one day, and better early than late, lol!!

for hells sake, have you never heard of a will? You can draw one up any old day. And yes, it's legal.

Haha, well I have heard of a will-- but I thought that only had to do with the deceased's property-- not funeral arrangements.

Do you have to go through a lawyer to make it official, or is there some documentation/form that you can fill out and turn into a government office that will honor it?

you can specify what you want in there too, service wise. Sorry, didn't mean to sound like a smart ass. From what I know, you would have to use a lawyer or file legal documents yourself. My mom arranged her entire funeral before she died and things worked out lovely. So did my grandma because she knew bitches were gonna fight over her stuff. They both also stated exactly how they wanted their funerals to be (they both had Mormon funerals though so bad example lol) but it's what they wanted. :)

Have outlined my wishes in my will but I am confident that unless I outlive each and every one of my turbo TBM siblings they will dead dunk me and dress my dead body in that silly green & white BS

they just may. My TBM dad has already decided where I will be buried. I don't have the heart to tell him that I want to be cremated.

Do a little homework first. I know there a couple of horror stories floating around these forums where a person didn't get the funeral they requested because of legal loop holes, stubborn children, and rotten lawyers.

I believe there are some good web sites out there that can guide you through the process and you pay a minimal fee to have an attorney sign it or something - make it all legal and zipped up. I'm thinking that you assign someone whom you really really really trust to be handed "power of attorney" and then they have total legal power over every aspect of your funeral once you pass.

In my will I have specified exactly what I want, and dont want. I also gave names of who I want to be in charge of my funeral. IMO that's the biggest issue. You can say what you want, but f you have a TBM in charge of the party, you'll have at least a partially mormon funeral. Mormons are very good at ignoring other peoples wishes.

If my husband is no longer with us, I put my nonmo kids in charge. If they can't or don't want to, I put my nevermo friends in charge. I made it very clear that I don't want any mormon speakers, songs, or for anything to take place in a mormon church.

I put all of this in my will. If I didn't have a will I would have written it up and had it notorized. I would have given my instructions to whom ever I was putting in charge of my funeral. I may have given a copy to everyone who I'd named as being in charge. I would keep any and all mormons out of it. In some cases I might have told the mo's that i'd put someone else in charge of my last party. There will be an open bar. If any mo's have a problem with that, they can leave.

" but f you have a TBM in charge of the party, you'll have at least a partially mormon funeral. Mormons are very good at ignoring other peoples wishes."

Sad, but true. My grandmother *hated* that my parents converted to LDS, and had nothing good to say about TSCC. She was adamant that she did not want her funeral to be held there; she wanted it to be held in a funeral home.

Well, my dad sat me down and very earnestly explained that he knew Grandma didn't want it, but that the funeral was going to be 'at church.' I had a conniption ... I mean, yelling, screaming, the whole shebang ... about how disrespectful it was. In the end, the only thing that happened as Grandma wanted it was the singing of "The Old Rugged Cross" (her favorite hymn) ... which only happened because my mother got approval from the "bishop" since it wasn't on the Approved Mormon Songs list.

Ugh. It still makes me mad every time I think about it, and this happened 18 years ago.

That is absolutely disgusting. I am sorry that happened.

This makes me wonder what will happen with my grandmother when she passes as well. She is fiercely exmormon but the 3 out of 7 of her children are active LDS and the oldest and most well-off. I have the feeling that my mom and her LDS siblings will take control of the proceedings-- and that sickens me.

You can certainly provide specific instructions for your wishes but you must understand that there are ways of legally getting around your wishes and that your loved ones may, perhaps with good intentions at heart, take advantage of them, and you must be prepared for that.

My first inclination when I saw your post was to ask, why? I do understand that you wish to be honoured as you desire and not to be forced to have a memorial service of the faith you left and do not support. But if you are indeed a secularist - or even if you are a member of a faith (as I am - I'm a Hare Krishna devotee) where it's not particularly spiritually harmful (and if anything, in the view of my faith, to me the loved ones would be blessed for their good intentions) then according to your own beliefs it doesn't really matter what happens as it does not really negatively impact upon you or your spiritual future. In any case, know this and keep this in mind as comfort even as you remain aware that there is a possibility that your wishes, in some way, might not be honoured as you expect or desire.

I'd like to weigh in on this issue. You raise some good points, and I appreciate the positive energy you bring to the board. And I don't presume to speak for the OP, but I have had similar thoughts on this issue.

My motivations for not wanting a Mormon funeral have more to do with keeping the Mormon relatives from hijacking the funeral to the detriment of all of my non-Mormon friends and family, who I believe would be made to feel uncomfortable by the one-sided hyper-religiosity that would likely be infused into the ceremony.

Also, from all I've seen and heard, Mormon leaders want all funerals to focus on the church, and not the life of the deceased. I don't want my funeral to be used as a missionary tool or to otherwise further the Mormon agenda.

Added to that, I personally detest the idea of being buried in the cold ground. Yes, I'll be dead and maybe it shouldn't matter then, but while I'm alive I care, and I much prefer the idea of cremation, and I know that if my Mormon family had anything to say about it, they would toe the party line, which is that cremation is a bad thing.

Furthermore, I would like for my wife, who is not Mormon, and who has strong feelings about the church ie., believes it to be fraudulent, to have a strong position so she woh't be pushed around by the family in the event I precede her in death, which is statistically likely.

So I do believe there are good reasons to make sure that one's wishes RE funeral etc are legally spelled out.

BINGO!!!
You articulated what I was trying to get at very well.

"I don't want my funeral to be used as a missionary tool or to otherwise further the Mormon agenda."

That my life/memorial service might be construed to convert others to the cult is sickening to me.

I also have this sort of internal perception that I am involved with a massive power-trip with my parents. I cannot help but think that nothing would make them happier than "getting in the last word" so to speak and giving me, my living exmo brother, other exmo/inactive family members, and even what I stand for a big middle finger.

My plan is cremation and no funeral. Just my husband, children and son-in-law getting together at my favorite spot in the Bay Area and scattering ashes, sharing memories, and playing Bob Dylan songs on the guitar. At least that's my plan and hubby is on board.

I agree...I have been to enough funerals that I don't want to Viewed (open coffin) like the dog face boy when I die. My wife knows Zero spectators and put me in the ground and rent the hall and feed and water everyone that wants to show up. because in the real world nobody remembers your legacy or contributions which they shouldn't. The open coffin thing is morbid and I still cant think about my grand folks without that memory of their gaunt corpse in that box.

Specifying your preferences in your will is a good idea. There is only one big problem with making that work. The will has to be read by the person making your final arrangements BEFORE they make the final arrangements.

I've been through a lot of funerals in the last few years. Even if you know there is a will and you want to do exactly what your loved one wanted, it's sometimes hard to do. From the time you find out you have a dead body to deal with, people in the family start pushing for info on the funeral. Sometimes papers can't be located right away. Sometimes they are in a safe deposit box that only the deceased can get into until after the will is probated. Sometimes there are multiple papers and it's hard to tell which is the one to follow - multiple, undated funeral plans.

You need to make sure your will is in the hands of somebody who will honor your wishes AND who will be around whenever it's time to make your arrangements.

Hope this isn't too morbid, but I've seen some weird stuff, even among families that are united in wanting to follow the deceased person's wishes.

So true. My mother had a DNR order, and as her main caregiver, I should have been informed of this. I only found out about it *after* she died (and all possible efforts had been made to revive her.) Make sure the people that are closest to you and around you all the time know of your wishes.

Go on a site like LegalZoom and write a will. Find a person you trust who is willing to handle your estate and your funeral arrangements and name them as your executor. Set some money aside for your funeral costs and your executor's costs. Stipulate what type of service you want, if any.

Personally, I want a clown... and tequila.

The good news is that once you are dead you won't care about any of this for the following reason: You will be dead.

I know. I just don't want the funeral to be used as a conversion tool for TSCC. That would be the ultimate middle-finger to what I stand for.

Thanks for the post...I just told my wife I have changed my mind I want a closed coffin, no church, just grave side and I want my coffin to have stickers and an engraving on the top. WWW.CESletter.com

I want the same on my head stone under my name.

I will do this.

One other possibility --- in some areas, there are prepaid funeral plans. Look into it. Any mortician should know, and if you ask a few different ones, you might even get some information that goes beyond what one particular person wants to sell you.

As mentioned above, be sure that copies of the relevant papers are in the hands of people whom you trust to do what you want. Things have a way of getting confused when someone dies. It is much easier if you make sure that that can not happen. Don't just let everyone know that you have a will in the drawer by the sink. That can disappear in the blink of an eye, if the wrong person gets into your house first. Give out multiple copies to several people whom you trust. And tell the others that you have done so.

If you have a plan set up, and paid for, you will be much more likely to get what you want. In my experience, the take-over religious types are remarkably more willing to stay out of something that is already planned and paid for. Great emphasis on the "paid-for" part. They will happily barge in on mere plans with no regard for your wishes. But will be less likely to be willing to *pay* for something else, when your own plan is already paid.

Oh, and when I said to ask morticians --- be sure to ask morticians who *are not Mormons*.

There is virtually nothing you can do to control the choices of other people after your death. Wills can be and are contested all the time, and that's just for distribution of assets. Who is going to try to enforce behavioral commandments left in some dead guy's will? No one is obligated to live the way the deceased demanded, and no court could possibly force anyone to.

Keep in mind that the funeral is not actually about or for you, but for those who are left behind to deal with losing you. They have the right to grieve in the setting of their choice. At that point, you will not be there to be offended and it's not even reasonable to try to control people from beyond the grave. I toyed with the idea of putting a "no Christian funeral" clause in my will and decided it was silly and petty.

Do you a Living Will and Power Of Attorney document? If you have someone designated as your Health Care Power of Attorney they will be the one that the hospital is contacting about health care decisions and in the event of death, they would contact that person about making funeral arrangements (or at least they should). Depending on the state you're in there are a few different Power of Attorney documents, but if you had a trusted friend to be your healthcare and financial POA they should be the primary decision maker and contact person. Just having it in your will wouldn't be enough because that might not even get looked at until after the funeral.

Three words:

Write your will.

A Power of Attorney ceases at death. A POA acts on your behalf and in your best interests while you are living and has no legal authority over you once you've died. By all means write a will, but know that it may not be filed until after your funeral arrangements have been made and is mostly concerned with distribution of your property. A deceased person's funeral is not a legal matter and isn't addressed in most wills.

Your best option for having the specific type of funeral you wish is to make a prepaid plan through a funeral home. Still, I believe there is no way to guarantee your relatives wouldn't have some control over your funeral.

Being married to a Catholic I know for sure whatever awaits my corpse after I croak won't have any LDS in it. I plan on having funds in place to throw a party...with copious amounts of booze...and I hope some of my Mormon relatives show up so they can be offended.

Ron burr

Short of dying in a way that leaves no body or no body that can be identified, there is no way to assure you do not have or do have a particular kind of funeral service or don't.

What you can do is
talk with your loved ones about what you want and don't want.
Get married to someoe who will do it like you want it (they will then be your next of kin, if you do this, be sure to have a funeral fund saved and that person have immediate access to it.
Send a letter to the current bishop of your parents (until you are married, thereafter to spouse's bishop) telling them you do not want an lds funeral and hope they will respect your wishes even if your parents/spouse want something else.

Die in circumstances that make it impossible to ID you (pretty hard today) so you are buried in a paupers grave.

It might work to plan a green burial because they typically must bury you within 24 hours. Won't stop them from having a memorial service thereafter in the church, but if you set up the memorial service at the green burial site, less likely to be more than a few minutes.

OR
You could just accept that (a) you won't be there; (b) funerals are for those who remain alive, not for the dead person. If you love any of these people, surely at a time when it will not matter one iota to YOU, you care that those who remain behind have services that bring them comfort.

My TBM mom is getting on in years, and the only two children are jackmo and me, an exmo. Almost all her living relatives are nonmo.

I do not in any way, shape or form want to have to deal with a mormon funeral. I hate the Mormon church with a passion, and would never want to subject the relatives to the preaching.

Do I disregard her wishes? Would I be a horrible child if I did?

Thanks for this post. I haven't yet thought of this. I sure as hell do not want a stupid Mormon service. I want a green burial or cremation but no weird open casket and greeting line followed by lectures on "The Plan of Salvation". Although I am not opposed to funeral taters :)