Posted by:
butterflyvenom
(
)
Date: May 12, 2014 04:30PM
My situation is a little different obviously. He is in denial about his sexuality (he insists he's straight) and didn't want the divorce. He is also very TBM and I am an exmo. Here is my perspective:
Do not, under ANY circumstances cheat on your wife. If you are adamant about exploring your sexuality either do so with your wife's consent or divorce first. Finding out your spouse is bisexual is shocking enough, don't add insult to injury by cheating too. You say that you have already spoken to her about your sexual orientation, that is good. I accidentally discovered my husband was cheating and bisexual all at the same time. It was traumatic to say the least.
You should seriously consider an open marriage before you decide to divorce. It isn't for everyone. Had my ex been forthright about his sexuality and hadn't cheated I think I would have seriously considered this option. The flip side to this is if you are going to have other sexual partners, your wife is entitled to as well. This gets tricky with her being a TBM, but you never know unless you talk about it. Men aren't the only ones who are interested in exploring sex with other people. I am certain that I would have been against it initially, but with enough time and discussion, I would have come around to at least considering this. IMO, if you have been cheating, that will making having an open marriage near impossible. I considered suggesting an open marriage to my ex, but at that point all trust was gone and I felt an open marriage for me was pretty much just accepting being cheated on because he couldn't show restraint.
Considering that I am a heterosexual woman and therefore don't fully understand bisexuality, I may be completely off base for this next part. This is also a bit of a sore spot for me. I honestly don't understand how being a married bisexual and wanting to explore your sexuality with some one of the same sex outside of your marriage is any different from a heterosexual getting married young and also feeling cheated out of exploring their sexuality prior to marriage and being interested in exploring sexually outside of the marriage. I was certainly attracted to men other than my ex and once I left mormonism felt cheated in my sexual experience. Considering that I'd only had one sexual partner, I was very curious about sex with others, but not enough so that I would throw my marriage away to satisfy that curiosity. Regardless of my curiosity and high sex drive, I prefer monogamy. My ex insisted he did too (though now I think what he really meant was he preferred that I be monogamous and he could have sex with whoever he wanted). In any case, monogamy is monogamy no matter what your sexual orientation is. Again, it isn't for everyone, but if it is for you and you happen to be bisexual, the sacrifice involved shouldn't be any different than it is for a heterosexual person.
I'm not saying that this isn't a good enough reason to get divorced, only you can know what is right for you. What I am saying is that sex isn't the only thing you should be considering. It is one part of a marriage, albeit an important one. There are a lot of other factors to consider. Sometimes divorce is the answer, it was in my case. However, it is INCREDIBLY painful, no matter how justified and right. Consider very carefully if it is right for you. If you determine that is the route that you want to go, be prepared to fill like a POS for asking for the divorce, particularly if your spouse doesn't want one.
Moving on to dealing with a divorce and telling your spouse, my general thought is that the more open the communication the better. Ideally, you would talk this through over multiple small discussions. It can be overwhelming for both parties to do all in one sitting. She needs to start preparing as soon as is reasonable to take care of herself. If that means finishing school, she should get started sooner rather than later. This is an awful conversation to have, I've been there, but there is never a good time and putting it off doesn't make it any easier. Bottom line, you shouldn't allow her to continue to plan her future thinking that you two will still be married. If possible you should sit down together and come up with a timeline. A lot of this depends on the kind of person your wife is and the dynamic of your relationship. If she is a vindictive person, being too open with information can come back to bit you in the ass. You'll need to try and find a balance between protecting your self and being as honest and open as possible.
Good luck with whatever you decide.