Not sure how this can happen. Under 40, good provider, in shape, very good family man. But will end up divorced because of religion! How does the church say that it is all about the family when in reality it is the cause for so much divorce and separation? I never saw this coming, even though I tried my best to conform.

dodgeawrench, I'm in the same boat and with you on that one.
Except I'm a little older, still in fairly good shape, devoted my time, talents and everything else to my family, loved my wife and kids, no alcohol, porn, or mistress on the side.

I did everything I could to make it work, but my wife found another love more exciting and enticing than me, and it was in her church activity, function, and strict adherence to the doctrine.
It got to the point that I couldn't even break her away for a weekend trip into the city, for a 5 star resort hotel stay, and eating room service because it would cause her to miss church on Sunday and she didn't think it appropriate to break the Sabbath just for a weekend away with me.
What woman does that to her husband?

Put in Wrong place. Woops!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/28/2014 07:06PM by snuckafoodberry.

Because they're brainwashed.

I once told DH that I would divorce him if he ever lost his testimony. So you can imagine how scared I was to tell him that I knew TSCC wasn't true when I found out.

Had it been him telling my TBM self, I can't imagine how lonely that would've been for him. Of course, years later I would kick myself for losing someone so good because of a false organization.

TSCC needs to stop telling that schtick about being unequally yoked.

Tens of thousands of us are in that club.

Welcome.

It will get far better over time. 6 years out 4 years divorced for the same reasosns and life has never been better after the same happened to me.

I'm there.

Your friendly 18 year old snake oil salesmen with the blue books are going to make you think the church is family-oriented when in reality they are trying to church-orient the families. There is a big difference.

That is an excellent point. TSCC gets it backwards. Members are there to serve the church instead of the other way around.

I was there.
My TBM former spouse ripped me apart when I left Mormonism. Everything I was and did no longer mattered because I no longer had the "church approoved" stamp on my arse.

One day, he told me to leave the kids behind and go:He would find a new spouse who was worthy of him.

That is when I got over the being butt-hurt and did everything I could to protect my children and myself. (The relationship was very abusive at that time)

My former spouse was making plans with a previous LDS girlfriend, who was unhappily married at the time, to see if they would be a good match for when things were finalized with OUR marriage.

The former blamed me for the demise of our marriage, but was really the one adding fuel to the fire.

I stopped deciding to save the relationship and put my energies into my own happy life and the lives of my kids.

The ex did eventually go "explore" things with the chick he felt was "worthy" of him. She got divorced.

Nothing ever came of it.

I can not say in my case that a good marriage was ruined because of this. A marriage was built on the foundation that FAITH would make it all worthwhile.

That is where the mistake began.

RMM

But you will have much better future without those partners who chose CULT over you.

Ask not what the church can do for your family. Ask what your family can do for the church.

The Mormon Family Destruction Machine just keeps on rolling. So sorry that this has happened to you. I really feel for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/28/2014 10:23AM by blueorchid.

No offense, but most LDS marriages are based on a shoddy foundation. You find a good LDS woman and marry her to start a family. You do this in a big hurry to avoid fornication, and then are told to have kids right away. Before you know it, the girl you thought was cute on your first day is now running a daycare center with you.

Mormons often get bored with each other. 20 years into a marriage with someone they barely knew and they find that they have little in common other than kids and church. If the kids grow up and you leave the church, then what are you left with? If the answer is not much, well then you become a 40-something divorced dad.

And the partners find they've little in common because neither one's done much in the way of personality development. They're both compulsive church-addicts, both of whom behave as independent spokes in a wheel each facing, and interacting solely with the center hub: their particular leadership figure and their calling(s). Two spokes in a wheel haven't got much to do with each other, they never need even to consider each other; their focus is always on the center. The hub, TSSC, gets the benefit of all their efforts; and they live within a mental construct of their own making, which construct requires little to no input from others. Each partner accepts no responsibility toward the other, because the construct dictates that each of them, individually, devote their attention to the hub. They are two people living in their own worlds, but sharing the same house.

I served a foreign mission the spring of 1974 to the spring of 1976. I returned and worked the summer. During the summer I was engaged and then married just before the fall semester at BYZoo. 12 years later I am divorced with 5 kids. I found out that my ex did not marry me for love but for what she imagined she could mold me into.

I am now married to my best friend, having become friends first! We will celebrate 23 years of marriage this year.

I am almost right in your same boat too. My DW will say she is just going to leave me and the kids. But then she will have a good week or so. I haven't always been the best husband, I will admit. But she has always told me stories of her friends husbands. Of how they treat their wives. Including my own older brother. And I have never treated her with disrespect. I encouraged her to finish her degree, and have always said she can work if she wants (she prefers to be a stay a home mom)

So why does she want to leave? Cause it's too hard for her, to be in the church when her husband is not.

Not sure if it will end in divorce yet or not. I am trying to keep things going....we shall see.

I hope for the best for you, my friend!

Same boat.39, great income, nice guy. 3 kids.

Just discussed trhe divorce w my wife this weekend. I am moving out in 4 weeks. It will be amicable. I have been debating this for years now and it is time. I am already happier.I am protecting my kids nad giving pleanty od money until she finds a job. She gets to keep 2 houses.

I am finally at peace with it.

She is keeping two houses?. Man, look for your own good too. One thing is to be nice but giving up everythig to her... I don't think so. Time for her to work her b..t off.

She inherited quite a bit of money and we bought a few homes. I am giving her fair share. She is mid 40's. Her inheritance got placed under my name, but it really it is her money. I dont want it. I am renting a new home and will build once the divorce is settled. I have one condo rented out and a lake house. I am giving her enough to live confortably, i stipulate on the paperwork (that she has afreed to but I have not printed and given to her) that once she gets a ful ltime job, my support will go down by that net amount and once she starts shaking up or get remarried, i will only give her child support-$500 per kid.I am also stipulating that they support money is to take care of the kids, so food clothing etc. If she buys a newer car, takes a motg etc, it will be curtailed.

We are really good friends, we have always been. She has never had to work, we will continue to be good friends and even hang out. We understand that the kids are the #1 priority.

We also are aware that we got married becuase of the sofficating pressure from the church. We are not unhappy or fighting just unhappy. I wanted to give it a few more months, but with me boeing out of the church there is not enough there to make me worthwhile.

superanon -

I would HIGHLY recommend that you know the law inside and out regarding how spousal support (alimony) and child support work in your state. Most states have a formula that is used to calculate the amount paid. Judges RARELY vary from this. Also, there is absolutely nothing you can do legally in regards to what she uses it for. She could literally buy cocaine with it and you still legally have to pay. Of course you could then pursue full custody of the kids, but that is a different issue.

This is apparently a common occurrence. I was married for 18 years with two teenage boys. About 10 years ago I left Mormonism, but didn't resign. I just admitted I didn't believe in it and I stopped participating in any aspect of it. Well, things were tense at first, adjusting to this new paradigm, but we found a peaceful neutrality.

Once the kids became teenagers and she went back to school to get a RN degree, she became good friends with some evangelicals in her classes. With the extreme fundamentalist views of her new friends (they oddly accepted her even though she was Mormon), she started becoming more extreme in her own religious views. It reached a point where she was extremely paranoid about what she perceived as my persecution of her and her church, despite my sincere efforts to not interfere in any way with her practice or beliefs.

Things became steadily worse to the point that she decided she was going to move out. This was, in hind sight, probably an attempt to force my hand and see the wickedness of my ways and beg her to return. Ultimately this failed. During the year that followed, marriage counseling revealed her changing agenda. What started out as being my "anger" at her religion (which by now had merged with her personal identity to the point that criticism of the church was criticism of her personally), turned into the allegation that I was a sex addict and that I needed to attend a 12 step program if she was ever going to come back.

Needless to say, that was the last counseling session. It became obvious she had gone off the deep end with her new found romance (LDS Corp). She filed for divorce a few months later. A little over a year has passed, I still question my interpretation of events. I find it hard to recognize my value as a human being, and that deep down I am a good guy. Growing up LDS did a LOT of damage, but I feel that I am coming out better on the other side. I finally took the final step and resigned a couple weeks ago. It feels weird, but it was also a necessary catharsis.

I deeply resent TSCC for the role it played in the destruction of, what had been up to that point, 16 good years. I realize though that at the end of the day, people are who they are, and no amount of persuasion, evidence, logic or love can have an effect if the are CONVINCED of the "truth" of their beliefs.

It is nice to see that so many others have had nearly identical experiences. This speaks VOLUMES about the nature of this cult.

Same boat. Sorry it is happening to you too. Keep your chin up, it does get better.

The church has always insisted on being the third party in all Mormon marriages.

In a Temple wedding the couple don't make promises to each other, instead they both make a joint promise to the LDS church. Furthermore, the wife is ordered to obey her husband as long as the husband obeys the church. It's always a power triangle with Mormonism at the peak.

Then you have the problem of "The Bishop in Your Bedroom". The local Bishop has the power to interview (interrogate) the husband and wife separately and compare their stories. What kind of "entertainment" do the two of you enjoy? Do you wear church-approved underwear at all times? Do you engage in oral sex or other "unnatural" practices? Do you use "lewd language" in your love making? The church has given instructions in all of these areas.

The church claims the right to be totally intrusive - including morality (worthiness) interviews of you minor children!

Marriage can be hard enough even in normal circumstances, but with an arrogant third party constantly imposing its will, Mormon marriages can become a nightmare.

following in the footsteps of the 15 "lying for the lard" My ex had an affair with a high priest from the stake and divorced me "for the lord". Im serious thats one of the things she told me. She felt the affair was justified because while we were still married, her new punks bishop told them that while they were dating to make sure that they went out with another lds couple so "nothing bad would happen"
what a joke they all are. You cant make this stuff up.

Reminds me of a Bishop in Magrath Alberta (Anderson) who was banging his secretary and standing at the mic. every Sunday and interviewing everyone else.

And Yes I do have the balls to name names......if its true I have nothing to worry about.

this is a GIANT Ego-trip for some Bps, SPs; it's set up to be a Hobson's Choice, a sifting of wheat/Chaff, even if it prompts the "TBM" spouse to lie-cheat-steal in the process.

I wish a sociology researcher would investigate & write a paper on this.

It also dovetails with the Perfectionist Syndrome, which claims lots of victims without being LSD/LDS.

LSD Rhetoric:

"The family is the most important unit in time and in eternity and as such,transcends every other interest in life."

(Howard W. Hunter, Ensign - November 1994)


Welcome to Rfm, Howie!

It took me a long time to get over Mormondum and it's destruction of my marriage. I am grateful that my Children did not choose the same path and married non-Mormon men in normal civil weddings and seem so happy and Fulfilled.

Difficult as it is, as much as it impacts the kids.... It can be freedom and the opportunity to find someone who loves you for you, not whether you can go to the temple or be an eternal mother.

The anger and pain is necessary and valid, but in the end, if you know you've done everything to save the relationship, what more can you do? Life is short. Move on, get therapy, work on yourself to find happiness.

What do any of us really owe our partners? Being a stable provider is great, but things change and people change. Why stay in an unhappy marriage, even if only one partner is unhappy? More is likely going on.

WOW,... I am actually relieved. I thought I was the outsider in all this. Its good to hear others have had the same experience with a TBM spouse and the church.
My story was a little different in that my wife and I were civilly married for 9 years before going thru the temple, and since then, she has slowly engrained herself in the church's doctrines and practices.
Before our temple sealing, we were best friends, and lovers, and since then it has been a 19 year deterioration to the point that I don't know who my wife is anymore.
My divorce has been a painful process, and I lay the blame squarely at the temple doorstep.

Same here. The church destroyed my marriage. I absolutely adored my wife. But was not worthy to be her husband unless I bowed to the church. We are still great friends. I'm just no husband material unless I embrace the penishood and follow the prophet.

Count me in the club..
Decades of marriage only to be thrown away
When I asked if I didn't believe.
There are many of us in the same (barge) boat

It is sad when a couple cannot lay down together and face one another and be able to look one another in the eyes and feel at home there. If you do not have this, then both people are just filling a role. When one ceases to fill that roll any longer then there is nothing left. You had no intimate relationship to begin with as the priority was to honor an outside entity together, not to honor one another.

My spouse and I have no such intimate relationship as to have the comfort level I speak about. I am betting this is the case for quite a few married couples.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I'm an older woman and I've been single my entire life. I've never understood how a woman can throw away a good man like he's a wadded up ball of tissue. Some women don't appreciate what they have, I guess.