I was a TBM-to the core for my entire life. I got married at age 24 as a virgin...which in Utah County and Utah State University, that is OLD to get married. ANyway, I tried to be SO perfect all of the time in every aspect of my life and TSCC. For the first two years after getting married, I felt guilty whenever we had sex. On top of that, I can't and never have had the big O. I know it's a mental thing because of all my years in YW being taught that sex is next to murder. I have been to two different therapists, read books, tried everything.

We've been married 6 years now. I don't feel guilty anymore, but I never want to be intimate. I would say 80% of the time after being intimate, I feel sad- because I realize how screwed up my emotions are. I love my husband so much, he's extremely attractive and we're getting along great...it's all my mental training from the cult that I can't seem to shake.

It makes me really sad/mad. It still has control over me. I don't know what to do.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2014 08:22AM by yesnomaybe.

Have you deleted the non-existent peepers from your beliefs? Who are they? Let’s count them. God, The Holy ghost, Jesus, Dead family, Dead ancestry, Dead mormon Pioneers, Angels, Dead Prophets, Satan, Evil spirits waiting and watching to punish and report to Satan oh and let’s not forget the live peepers who spiritually peep into your life with the pretended priesthood powers of discernment. It’s a big fricken list when you start thinking about it.

If multiple entities that are watching/judging every move and of course more intently for supposed sinful bedroom activity, to accuse and punish how can a normal human ever relax and just be……human? If every time you walk past a Priesthood pretender you feel like you have been found out and that inside they “know” what you did last night then there is no safe place in the world or in your mind to go.

Here's what you were never told. The peepers aren’t real. Never were. Never will be. These supernatural watchers are nothing more than part of a human created con to get you to give away yourself so that you will give your time and checks to other human beings. It really is that simple! We were all lied to, on purpose.

No one is looking but you. That’s it. No one.

My new sweetheart had trouble with me being intimate in the way she likes because of my internal restrictions that were built by church dogma. She helped me do the mental surgery required to finally let go of the guilt and fear of being detected by the peepers. Now I can be perfectly comfortable in broad daylight to be intimate however and wherever we like. Her being a non-mormon had a hard time trying to “get” that due to Mormonism that I had real issues with sex. Issues that seemed outrageously silly to her as a person raised outside the Mormon bubble.

I think that until you rid yourself of the peepers and give yourself the mental privacy that is a basic human right it will be difficult to relax and be the partner you know you can be and to let yourself have what you so richly deserve.

Here’s a tip. Peeping Toms in real life go to jail. So kick all their asses out of the bedroom, down the road and leave the b-tards of religious dogma in the rear view window.

Hope I helped you out a little.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2014 09:29AM by AmIDarkNow?.

My favorite quote:
"Here’s a tip. Peeping Toms in real life go to jail. So kick all their asses out of the bedroom, down the road and leave the b-tards of religious dogma in the rear view window".

Way to go!!

That helped me out, too! Thanks for all the suggestions!

Find another therapist. Preferably one who specializes in sex therapy and/or cult deprogramming.

I knew a woman just like you. She was ultra-TBM and married a guy I knew from childhood.

A year later they got divorced.

It turns out he divorced her because she refused to have sex. She couldn't get over the feeling that it was morally wrong even though they were married. All those years of hearing how sex was a horrible sin had completely brainwashed her.

If I were you I would try the therapist route again. I don't know if you were seeing a sex therapist, but if not that would be the thing to do.

Best of luck to you.

I had a friend who had big sex problems in her 10 year marriage, they both had (TBMs) weird sexual hangups. She confessed to me that she hadn't had an orgasm until her first boyfriend after divorce and leaving Mormonism.

You know, it is a hard thing to get over. Sex shaming is so pervasive in Mormonism, how can you not develop SOME form of an issue. Just keep working at it every day a little bit, try and see a specialist therapist, and if you love each other you will work things out, just don't give up on yourself or each other.

Ruined mine too. I was so horny before I went through the Temple with my Husband. Our honeymoon sucked, cuz all the sudden I felt too pure to ruin it with "dirty sex". It took years to get past that. We are in our 12 years of marriage and sex has definitely gotten better. I'm enjoying my sex life the way I want without any guilt. And it feels great! Sex is beautiful and should be enjoyed and explored. Dumb Mormons.

Tell the OP HOW you did that, please. How did you get past the guilt and shame of "dirty" sex and bring yourself around to enjoying it? What steps did you take? What did you read/watch/see/hear that helped you with that process?

Doesn't work for everyone but buy and read 50 shades of grey.

My wife and I rarely had sex prior to her reading those books (talked about divorce, too).

Now she likes sex again! I'd say it completely transformed her way of thinking about sex and now I have to try and keep up with HER sometimes!

Read anything but that book. Terrible ideas about sex in there. Awful.

Some people like the bdsm smut, it is just fantasy, after all, but badly written smut? Unacceptable! If you want some BDSM smut, read the Sleeping Beauty series by A.N. Roquelaure (Ann Rice)

It's a pretty inaccurate and terrible depiction of the b.d.s.m. scene anyway. Your recommendation is much better.

Or just, ya know, good old fashioned erotica, like Anais Nin.

Never read it so I cant comment.

But honestly, I don't really care, lol. My wife wants sex more and is much more liberal in the bedroom. Those books are enshrined now on my shelf (you know, the one that fell apart after I found out Mormonism was a fraud, haha)

As a young Mormon woman, I was definitely shamed for masturbation, and made to feel like a total pervert for it, but it's totally normal and for women - it is the very best way to learn what your body likes and how it responds. The saying "If you can't give it to yourself no one else can give it to you either" applies to love, and many other things, and it definitely applies to orgasms. You are your own first and best lover and then you can teach your partner how to please you. Some women like to use vibrators and other toys. Try a good online source such as Good Vibrations or Smitten Kitten, their toys don't have toxic materials such as phalates(sp?) For me, that's too much stimulation, my fingers are just fine. Women tend to prefer written erotica to visual porn, if that is helpful. I find my wild imagination is usually just fine too. Darlin' - I know if allowing your husband to touch you has been a leap, this will be a leap too - but it's really a gift to yourself. You deserve it, and be sure to thank your body for being gorgeous, healthy, and just right in every way.

I was almost 24 when my husband and I married. By that time, I think, I was so used to denying myself, that it's hard to relax and be sexual. I never really felt like a woman either. I felt rather asexual, like I couldn't grow up.

Some things that have helped me, and continue to help me:
1. Looking in the mirror and telling myself I am a woman, that I am sexy, that I'm beautiful, that my husband likes the way I look.
2. Wearing makeup and jewelry and clothing that enhance my sexuality.
3. Kegel excercises (using a Kegel ball helps me remember). Makes me remember I have lady parts.
4. Take several minutes to touch myself intimately daily. Yep, feels really weird at first. It actually took several weeks before it started feeling good.
5. A vibrator. And actually if I can get myself to orgasm, I want it more- and soon.
7. Along that vein, porn can help. It doesn't have to be really kinky stuff, but just pics of naked men. This can get you beyond thinking that male parts are dirty or disgusting, and eventually increase your desire.
8. Taking pics of myself in my underwear - sending daily pics to my husband and him commenting on how sexy I am. Even better if you have a tripod and camera with a timer that takes several pics in a row. Making a series of pics for my husband was really good for me.
9. While having sex, think about sex. Don't allow your mind to wander. If you feel like doing something, don't discard those feelings/thoughts, act on them!
10. Dirty talk/text. There are lots of examples on the internet (some of them sound really stupid), but just do what feels best to you. Tell your husband you desire him, how your body feels when you think of him, what you want to do to him, what you want him to do to you. Build his desire for you and yours for him.
11. Talk during sex. "This feels good" "could you do this?" "More of that" "touch me here"

It may take a while to get the results you want, but rejoice in each accomplishment, each time you feel even a little sexy. Make note of what got you there as well, so you can repeat the occurance. Of course, you don't have to do exactly what I do, but I encourage you to choose something from my list and work on it. A little at a time is better than not trying at all. :-) Good luck!

Along this same line, DW once tearfully and apologetically admitted to me that she had sexual fantasies during sex, and assured me that she was not thinking of any other specific male. After I assured her that men ALWAYS have fantasies during sex, I turned her to some information so she wouldn't feel guilty anymore. In a word or two, the information basically said that sexual fantasies during sex are kind of a basic requirement of having good sex. It's more than normal, it's indispensable.

I was in a sex slump with my hubby after 15 years of marriage. So I started taking lap dancing classes at a pole studio. Great for breast cancer survivors btw. It totally awakened something in me. I know pole studios are on their way out; most have closed down in my city. But there are lots of instructional DVD's on amazon. I am not into anything pornographic so just be careful about which DVD's you buy, if you're like me. Also, I love the Laurn Corn romance books. I'm sure your therapists have suggest all of the above, but thought I should suggest what has worked for me. Good luck!

I taught pole fitness for a year. And it's not really on the way out. ;>) It's great exercise, strengthens every muscle in your body and improves your confidence by orders of magnitude.

Fuc*ing with people's minds on issues that are very personal, yet very normal is a specialty of the Mormon church.
Our problems in the bedroom is CLEARLY a result of emotional trauma from what she was taught in the Mormon church as a youth.

It has totally and completely ruined my marriage.

The cult ruined my sex life before it even started.

My biggest regret in life is waiting until I got married.

I feel the same way. I think waiting was a mistake. Unfortunately, because of the church's teachings, I was not even ready for sex on my wedding night. My never-mo husband is still frustrated with me for being behind the learning curve. I was actually about the give the church a break, but now after reading these posts, I know I'm right to put the blame there.

Data that is enterd into the subconcious forms response repertory that is almost impossible to override.An automated response is then in place. If you enter new data to go around these you can overcome this blockage. My sincere sympathies.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2014 12:49PM by thedesertrat1.

I was embarrassed when I got pregnant because everyone would know that we had sex. We had been married several years! And, I was ashamed every time we had sex because I felt that I was sinning. It's hard to enjoy something that you feel guilty about.

I totally sympathize with you. My husband encouraged me to masturbate so I could explore and understand what I liked. First, he had to explain to me HOW it was possible for a woman to masturbate. I was clueless. I refused to do it, believing it was shameful. So, he refused to have sex with ME until I did. I was really mad at him, and then... OMG. It's amazing. You have to give yourself permission to enjoy sex. Get a Lelo Gigi vibrator or the Lelo Ina. Experiment and relax. Throw the guilt out with the rest of the brainwashing. You deserve a healthy sex life.

it gets better Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My husband encouraged me to masturbate so I could explore and
> understand what I liked. First, he had to explain
> to me HOW it was possible for a woman to
> masturbate. I was clueless. I refused to do it,
> believing it was shameful. So, he refused to have
> sex with ME until I did. I was really mad at him,
> and then... OMG.

You'll have to pardon me for finding that exchange incredibly sexy. You lucky girl.

:)

Years ago Ann Landers responded to this question on Johnny Carson's show. "What is the most common problem between married couples you get asked about?" She said, "Some people enjoy sex, and some do not. And for some unknown reason these two types get married together." So for most of America it has nothing to do with Mormonism.

I'm in a place similar to OP. Gives me hope to see that others have "overcome" the issue ;)

I had my first big "O" the day after Valentine's day, of this year. I am 26. It's very much about the giving your mind in completely to the sex. Don't let it wander. The shaming and fear of sex in my upbringing I think is very much to do with me not being able to have one.

Dunno if it would work for everyone, but I'm telling you-- once it happened, the flood gates opened. Just get super into it, say some weird stuff-- worked for me! A glass of wine or two would help in my opinion!

I have to say the only time I experience mindfulness - being completely in the moment - is when I'm having sex. I never have any problem with my mind wandering to other things.

Thanks everyone for your input, support and suggestions. It's comforting just to know that I'm not alone. I will try many of the suggestions on here. I have tried a lot of them in the past, without success. I have three different types of vibrators, have tried masturbating numerous times, watched porn, talked dirty, had drunken sex, ect. Not sure why I just can't overcome the emotional disconnect.

Thanks for listening and supporting.

Not being crass, but does hour husband give oral sex?

(As in, my understanding/ experience is that it is not possible for a woman to NOT have an orgasm through receiving oral sex)

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2014 10:17PM by dogeatdog.

Only problem is there are people outside Mormonism who don't like sex. So you can't be sure if it has anything to do with the church. Association doesn't mean causation. Bad logic to assume because one is a Mormon that every problem they have is due to it.

And I was a serious TBM and was wild with sex.

Granted the church doesn't help any with their sexual repression. But there is much of that in all of society. Generally sex is considered dirty, and there are laws against nudity and sex on TV or in public. In our area with few LDS, "concerned mothers" are fighting against espresso stands that show too much skin.

Sex is made to be dirty especially to shame men into controlling their urges, since men are considered to be rapists by nature, and uninterested in a civilized family life. That same shame ends up being directed toward women.