Why is it that Mormons never really get to know someone before getting married?
I am going to use Jay Osmond as an example. This is true for so many Mormons though. They meet someone, date a handful of times and get engaged and married within DAYS. Jay supposedly knew his new bride about two months and only dated her a handful of times as she lived in a different state than him. He was supposedly even still dating others right up till the time he proposed to his new wife. A few days later they were married in a civil ceremony.
I'm just using Jay as an example but why does this same scenario happen so often with Mormons, especially the one's going into 2nd marriages? Why do people want to marry others they barely know? What is the reasoning?
Because you aren't supposed to have sex until you're married. Since Mormons are taught their whole lives that basically any 2 people who go to church can have a happy marriage forever, than there doesn't seem like much point to not getting married to someone who you click with right away. My hubs and I were married less then 4 months after our first date- 17+ years ago. It made perfect sense at the time! We're SUPER lucky it worked out, looking back it seems crazy!
My ex sis in law did this. Met a guy online right before she signed divorce papers and was married within a month- after 4 dates. She has a couple of kids too.
My sister in law did the same thing. LDS singles online. Signed divorced papers and had been talking to a guy online before then immediately after the papers were signed she got remarried. Like within days.
***she had 6 kids and the new guy had 3.... and they have a few more together now.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/31/2014 12:42PM by nolongersearching27.
The problem is not quick marriages. The problem is Mormonism. Merely belonging to the same CULT does not assure marital success. For the most part, religion hinders marital adjustment and growth. That couples can only have a happy fulfilling marriage when consecrated in the temple is yet another Mormon myth.
After leaving TSCC, I met and was attracted to my never-Mormon sweetheart in a very deep, meaningful way. We were married in less than 3 months. Last year we celebrated the forty-second year of our non-Mormon marriage. Neither of us attend any church.
My non-Mormon FIL said that when saw my MIL he knew "she was the one". They were married a short time later and are still very much in love after almost seventy years! Other than weddings and masses for deceased family members, they have not stepped inside a Catholic church. Religion is never discussed at family gatherings.
Some of us really do feel that we have "soul-mates" and when we find them - why wait?
In mormonism, there's no real concept of a single adult other than it's a position to pity because something has gone wrong. So the less time spent in that terrible condition the better. Plus the sex -- two people who have been sexually active aren't going to sit around holding hands all night.
Devoted Exmo...that is exactly right. I used to quite enjoy the single adult stuff in my ward, in my naivety I thought it was great to get away from all the baby/ gynae talk and be a bit free-er in my post-feminist self. Until the Stake single adult rep was married and told me in a conversation that a Stake counselor had said to her that her marriage was a sign that the single adult programme was working because being single was inherently second rate.
The Mormon "One Size Fits All" concept of life is simply not workable in todays world. If Mormonism continues to refuse to adapt, they will simply become irrelevant. For many individuals that is already the case.
After my divorce at age 44) from my newly out gay husband, I met a never-mo man from across the country. I was still going to church but felt so shunned..it was as if I had something contagious as a newly divorced woman..anyhow, my mormon conditioning was in full swing.
Anyhow, I married this man way too quickly. We didn't know each other well at all and I was just so taken by the fact that he really really liked my lady parts (a very new experience for me!).
We divorced 8 months later as friends but knew we could not make this marriage work.
Now I have been living with and engaged to another never-mo and we have been engaged for 4 years. Whether we will ever marry is something I just can't answer. What we have seems fine for now. Maybe enough time has gone by that we are married by common law. I've never checked into that.
I never thought I would be comfortable just "shacking up" with someone, but, strangely, even my adult TBM children seem to be ok with it. Odd that.
So they do not break the law of chastity and do the dirty deed prior to marriage.
Because it would be the "sin next to murder" to have sex rather than possible ruin your life or someone elses.
In my 20's I saw couples rush to the alter after a few dates. Even as a TBM I questioned the fast track.
My ex wanted to marry me within 3 mos after his proposal. I made him wait almost a year. It still wasnt long enough.
I saw a married couple I knew divorce in a heartbeat because he cheated on her and they remarried in a heartbeat once his "blessings" were restored in the church.
I have been waiting for years my TBM ex (more like Jack Mormon because he puts on good show for others when it matters) to announce his engagement to his newest victim.
So far, no new spouse, but that is how he would roll.
In Mormon theology, couples expect to be married after death. It seems prudent to spend a little extra time getting to know the person you plan to spend ETERNITY with.
I think part of it is the prior thinking of what you want in a marriage partner, then knowing when you recognize it, and following the religious tradition of short engagements, usually marry in less than a year.
Once a couple has prayed and felt the spirit confirm their choice, the marriage plans are off and running.
Plus, there is the notion that this is going to be a dedicated commitment, a loving, righteous, an eternal marriage and all problems can be solved by prayer and living the Gospel, in their view. I know I took that approach. And it worked.
On the other hand, I know people who are not LDS who married in high school or the summer after graduation and are still married well into 50 years. Some from those same classes have had multiple marriages and divorces.
There's a surety with mormon decision making based on a good feeling that is also in play here. It felt right therefor I cannot be wrong about this decision!
Having done this, (dated a guy for a month, got engaged, married 4 months later) I would say that the main reasons Mormons do this is:
1) Pressure to get married and fast 2) The idea that close is good enough - that any two people committed to the gospel can have a good marriage 3) That the spirit trumps reason in life and in your choice of marriage material. If you pray about it and feel good, there is no need to examine it any further. 4) A complete lack of training about what to look for in a spouse or expect in a marriage relationship. 5) Fear of sexual sin 6) Wanting sex and having desire and confirmation by the holy spirit getting mixed up in your mind. 7) Cluelessness based on not living in the real world.
When I got married, I was an RM and seriously worried I'd missed the marriage mobile. I found a guy I thought was cute that had most of the qualities on my list of what was important in a husband (Mormon-related, of course) and I went for it. My husband was a super-shy 28 year old - I was only his second girlfriend - so he was easy to convince to marry me. He has a lot of great qualities but honestly, we get along better since we left Mormonism. Unfortunately, he also has a couple of qualities that would have been deal-breakers for me if I'd known myself better, known what I wanted and what I could handle. But #7 was a huge problem - I was very naïve about what problems a spouse could bring into a marriage and even more naïve about myself. Having spent so many years trying to become a Molly Mormon, instead of figuring out who I really was and what I really wanted, left me pretty clueless about what I needed in a relationship. And that Mormon bubble people live in left me pretty clueless about what people can really be like. It's been awfully hard - harder than it needed to be - and I blame Mormon narrow vision and ridiculous standards. The fact that we've been able to make it work at all is part luck and part insanely stubborn commitment/loyalty. And the largest part ... leaving Mormonism behind.