Seriously, if it were my mother, I would tell her that I wouldn't dream of telling someone else what kind of bathing suit to wear because that's just plain rude and not Mom's decision to make.

I would tell mom that her choices are either keeping her mouth shut about the issue or not having us attend. And if she said a word to gf, I'd pack up and leave.

Boundaries. They rock.

I read the topic of this thread and I laughed out loud then I became angry.

I think she should wear her bikini with a shirt over it. A white shirt, a garment top. ;)

She should wear what ever she wants. Damn mormons trying to control everyone they can.

Big deal if an eleven year old sees a bikini and finds it attractive. Sheesh!

I'm thinking one of those strappy skimpy one piece suits is in order.

I would stop her now. Your mom isn't in charge of your adult girlfriend. That's just silly.

My DH is an ex-Mormon and his mom is a TBM. Right before we got married she got mad at me because she had paid for tents for our rehearsal dinner and we didn't need them. I had tried to tell her it would be shady and we didn't need them, but she wouldn't listen. Whatever. Anyway, she started yelling at me and DH let her have it. He let her know that she was not in charge of me and he would not allow her to talk to me like that. I really appreciate that he stood up for me from the beginning. We've been married for 16 years and it never happened again.

Freakin' Mormons. Always trying to kill everyone's fun. I grew up in Texas (non-Mormon), when I was in college, my parents home (w/a pool) was exactly hallway between campus & the beach. I was in a Frat & every summer weekend, we'd take a bunch of Sorority sisters to the beach. One, really hot Saturday, on the way back from the beach, we stopped at my folks home to jump in the pool. EVERY girl was in a bikini. My Dad ran to the store & bought beer & burgers. From then on, it was routine to stop by their house for a BBQ, after the beach. My Dad would have a few of his buddies over. They, (nor my Mom), seemed to have an issue with a bunch of college girls running around in bikinis (neither did my 12 year old brother). My Dad was a smart guy.

I come from another perspective. A woman always makes her wardrobe plans to be appropriate for the event/dinner/outing/etc. she is attending, as a guest.

If I know that certain attire is not acceptable for a certain situation, the last thing I want to do is disrespect the hostess and dress in what they would consider inappropriate.

I always made sure I knew the acceptable dress for an occasion and chose what would be appropriate. Most of us ladies would check with each other and get more specific info about the proper attire. As close friends, I'd ask: what are you wearing for _____ such and such event.

"I always made sure I knew the acceptable dress for an occasion and chose what would be appropriate."

Socially appropriate? Yes.

Appropriate for a religious event? Maybe.

Religiously appropriate......for a scocial event with swimming? Nope.

SusieQ,

I think you are talking apples and oranges.

The OP's mother is trying to dictate what his ADULT girl friend wears to a public function.

You are referring to a group of women that are attending a party or dinner that everyone wants to dress in the same style (casual, formal or whatever).

When you are attending a family reunion, there really isnt a hostess to disrespect. It is a family function at a public location. One or two people may be planning the reunion, but they are not considered to be a hostess IMHO.

I can't find the original post, but this topic reminds me of an event coming up, where my never Mo spouse and I will attend the baptism of a friend's daughter later this month. My husband rarely attends any church and I am a casual member of a Protestant denomination now that I've left the Mormon church. I wear sleevless shift dresses to church in the summer now, but I would never wear that to a Mormon church service. I know the dress code, and it would be disrespectful to ignore it. It's one thing for the issue to be a man establishing boundries with his mother but if I was the girl friend I would want to know if a bikini was appropriate before I wore it. Just my two cents.

& personally I hate most 1 pieces nowadays. They are way too sexy for my tastes.

Yeah, but asking your friends if say, they're wearing a cocktail dress or a formal dress to a wedding, is totally different. There's only one kind of appropriate dress for swimming. A swimsuit. In fact, wearing a shirt and shorts to swim would be inappropriate.

You girlfriend should wear whatever she wants. And your moms comments need to be shut down by YOU, and now. Otherwise she'll know she can get away with it in the future. And trust me when I say from experience that it will damage your relationship with your girlfriend. I would say this:

Mom, what my girlfriend wears is none of your, or anyone elses, business. I will not tolerate any negative comments about her. If the subject comes up again we will simply not attend the reunion.

It's a matter of personal taste what style a guest wears and it isn't up to a host or mother-in-law to dictate that.

No one forces the mother-in-law to wear a skimpy suit when she goes to a party and she has no right to impose on others because of her Mormon background.

Susie,, things have changed an awful lot over time....

The difference between swimsuits is and has always been a non-issue in normal society. Kinda like women should be able to wear slacks and men green shirts to church.

My parents, though we wore one piece, would NEVER have dreamed of making someone feel bad about what they were wearing, unless it was nothing of course. They were TBM but not stupid.

Here's the link to the previous post on the subject:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1283987

My two cents:

Clearly the OP's mother is out of line by dictating what an adult should and shouldn't wear and I would tell her so. However, if the OP is still planning to attend the reunion, I think it's only fair to explain the whole Mormon modesty thing to the girlfriend and let her decide if she feels comfortable wearing a bikini when she may be judged and looked down upon by the family. If I were in the situation, I would be embarrassed and uncomfortable wearing something that my boyfriend's family thinks is inappropriate just to make a statement. Sure, most Mormons have weird views on modesty, but sometimes you just have to be nice and play along.

I agree. If the girlfriend is the only one in a bikini at a family reunion she may feel uncomfortable. Not only because other members of the family may be judging her and looking down on her for being dressed in what "they" consider inappropriate but also because LDS men tend not to have boundaries and control their gazes and own dirty thoughts. She will be eye candy for them. Which could put not only her in an awkward position but also the OP. I think she should be able to choose what ever she wants to wear, but she also needs to fully understand the environment she will be in to make an informed choice. Ultimately SHE should decide.

I look at it this way: I wouldn't dream of telling a Mormon that he or she needs to conform to MY way of living.

"Mrs. Jones, while you are a guest in my house, you will drink wine and wear skimpy a bikini."

So, Mommy Dearest should not expect outsiders to conform to her way of living. And the original OP should not say anything to his girlfriend.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2014 04:56PM by Tiny Tears.

She was a fanatical holy roller and she wore very sedate drab clothing, no makeup and hair in tight bun. She made a few comments about how she didn't like current styles.

She didn't have the nerve to demand I dress like her because she knew she'd have no visits from her son and grandkids if she treated me too badly.

My TBM mother never totally learned this lesson and suffered not seeing kids and grandkids much because she couldn't keep her mouth shut about pierced ears, highlighted hair, and wearing shorts for jogging.

It's always better to set boundaries at the beginning of a problem and not when the offending person has successfully forced his/her preferences on others over time.

A future mother-in-law doesn't have a right to make such demands. I think a gallant future husband would be wise to make that clear to his girlfriend and his mother.

Unless a MO girl attending some social event with a non-MO boy would be willing to change her standards of dress in same/similar fashion for him when with his friends and family, then no. And even if one MO girl out of many would/might do so, then it's still a big fat no in this case.

Tell your mother that MO rules are for MO girls, they are not for non-Mo girls. End of story.

It's offensive to try and tell someone they aren't good enough, that their clothes aren't acceptable, they aren't modest enough, pretty enough or acceptable enough, whatever the case may be.

If the other girls or guys are uncomfortable with a 2 piece suit on a healthy human body that happens to be female, bring up the fact that their church teaches that modesty applies to men too, and tell the men/boys in the group to go put a swim shirt on.

If the real world and the things in it offends them, too bad, they can deal with it---or they get thee to a ward house, and then they can stay there.

And I second what Cheryl says: Mothers in law, if they value their relationships with their grown sons, should know better than to dictate to their daughters in law.

A semi-compromise would be to do more than just say no to your mother. Explain it. Tell your mother she can always tell you her concerns, being your mother, and that you will always listen to them--- but it is up to you and your GF/wife/partner, now and always, to decide whether to consider doing what is asked. Further, that once you have made your decision as a couple, there is no more discussion.

Stand up for yourself and your GF. Tell your mother that you will not ask your GF to do this, and ask/tell your mother not to interfere in this or try to tell your GF to do this, either.

I don't see the point of dressing for the event when the social convention that dictates appropriate dress is sexist as hell. I don't gotta put up with sexism to make other people feel more comfortable, I'm not some kind of ambassador. I wore pants and a tie when I went to a friends blessing, everyone stared and I don't give a shit. I'm sure I made other people feel better about their outfits so that's a plus too.

She might be just trying to make sure your gf feels comfortable. She wants everyone to be happy there ya?

I always have to talk to my wife about my families weird religion. She had been so kind in accommodating them. She stops drinking beer when they come to visit. Although the coffee is okay.

As far as compromises go I wish that choosing between a one and two piece swimsuit was all that I had to put up with.

OP should totally wear the leopard speedo though. It would be epic!

In general, I'd say screw the mom--an adult woman can wear what she likes. At the same time, the advice above about making sure your GF isn't uncomfortable makes sense. I just went and read the mother's note in the original thread. Frankly, it doesn't sound that bad--although her rationale is typically Mormony (young boys…as if they can't get online and see girls in bikinis…or less). She even tried to make it funny about the guy's leopard skin speedo. I wouldn't read too much into it. Just give your GF the facts and let her decide what she's comfortable with. Be glad that she's welcome and also that she'll get a taste of what you're running away from!

ForgotMyPassword Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> In general, I'd say screw the mom--!

That's my general advice, but she's a little old for my taste. I tend to like screwing moms who are in their 20s and 30s, but to each their own.

well tell, your mom your GF friend usually swims in the nude, so your GF wearing a swimsuit is a service for your family members. Maybe your mom can make your GF wear one of your mom's swim suits. How socially awkward to do that by your mom.

(contrary) Confucius say: Person (Woman) in swim suit often more alluring 'sexy' than woman without any clothing....

When everyone present is nude, it becomes a non-issue in about 10 minutes.

just sayin'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2014 09:43PM by GNPE.

Where I live, when everyone present is nude, it becomes an orgy in about 10 seconds!

SusieQ, the correct attire for activities involving swimming is a bathing suit. End of story. If the OP's gf was planning to wear a bikini to afternoon tea at the Ritz, you might have a point.

The rest is just mom's inappropriate manipulation.

excatholic Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> SusieQ, the correct attire for activities
> involving swimming is a bathing suit. End of
> story. If the OP's gf was planning to wear a
> bikini to afternoon tea at the Ritz, you might
> have a point.
>
> The rest is just mom's inappropriate manipulation.

I'll share what I would do when attending a unfamiliar group, or a specifically religious group, etc.
I would fist, understand, clearly what the acceptable attire is for that group for those attending and for guests,for all of their events.
Then I would comply or not attend.
To me, it's about respecting the acceptable attire of an event and dressing appropriately.

A family reunion is not a religious event. If the gf was going to sacrament meeting that would be different. But even then, it would be inappropriate for the mother to say gf must wear a dress or hide that scandalous second ear piercing. Gf isn't Mormon and she doesn't have to pretend she is. Bikinis are standard swimming attire in western countries.

Using boys' sexuality as an excuse to make women feel bad about themselves? A tried-and-true method of basically making everybody, men and women, feel like a terrible person.

That's what bothers me the most - if I were you, I would be tempted to tell her "Maybe 'the older boys' need to learn that their sexuality is a healthy, normal part of life that they will need to be able to understand as they grow into adulthood, and other people's fashion choices do not affect their ability to make choices for themselves.

I always made my girls wear one piece suits so that they could dive off diving boards and not have their suits come off.
I also made them wear closed toed shoes while riding bicycles.

I was a rotten dad.

It's not his child. It's his girlfriend.

Whoa! You can't wear your animal print speedo????

Not everyone can wear a speedo!

What did you tell your Mother about that??? That "Don't worry Mom,I'm not going to wear an animal print speedo, I think I'll wear my neon yellow speedo" Seesh!

You and your GF wear what you want, take some beach wrap cover ups for when you're out of the pool after drying off.
A nice wrap around sarong or sari or whatever they're called. Maybe even a strap top short beach dress would be fine.

But wear swim suits of your choice!
If the parents are upset they can take their kids somewhere for ice cream when you're swimming!

I agree with SusieQ. It's really not that big of a deal that his mom, with humor, made a request. Whether son or gf complies with that request is their business, of course, but why get so offended? The only answer here is to make GF aware not only of the nature of the event -- very Mo --but also what everyone will be wearing and the request his mother made. Then SHE can decide for herself what she wants to do. If it were me, I'd wear a one-piece, but she can obviously decide for herself. Getting all offended by it, and in fact not expecting it, just baffles me.

I'd like her to try and tell me what I should wear.

I'd say split the difference. If the event's at a water park or at a public pool, she can and should wear whatever she wants within those institutions' rules.

Pool at home = house rules. If the rule is no bikinis, then... no bikinis.

And I can, to some extent, understand this. My wife has some nieces now in their teens, and whenever we're with them (not often) my wife will wear a tankini or a one-piece. Her nieces' parents are teaching a set of values that, while I may find vehemently disagreeable, they are still entitled to apply in their own home.

When we have company in our home, it's our rules. That generally means we'll drink, and we don't say a blessing before the meal. If somebody were to insist on a blessing in my home before a meal I'd consider it gauche and a bit of an imposition; likewise, were I to object to a blessing while visiting another's home, I'd be in the wrong.

So, the bigger point is -- when a guest, you play by the host's rules, arbitrary as they may be. Your alternatives are to either not show at all, or to be boorish.

Hosts don't have a right to dictate fashion choices. they can say if there will be prayers. But they cannot say everyone must wear or not garments or have pierced ears or not. It wouldn't be right to expect a nun to come to a party and wear a mini skirt, nor would it be right to expect an aging granny to go into a hot tub nude. There are hosting expectations, but they must be accommodating to the individuals involved. Otherwise, they should not invite nuns, future in-laws, or anyone who isn't exactly like them.

I agree that it's only common courtesy to dress appropriately for an occasion, but when the occasion is swimming, a swimsuit IS appropriate. I find the mother's comments about the fact that there will be boys there as offensive as her attempt to dictate wardrobe, because to me it seems to contain a note of pre-emptive slut-shaming, should the gf think of ignoring the request and show up in a two-piece.

Having said that, my two cents from the perspective of having been around Mormons in non-church approved attire and enduring the up-and-down stares and a few very pointed comments, I'd be thinking of the gf's comfort, and maybe suggest that she bring shorts to wear with her bikini top, or a sundress or something for when she's not in the pool. That should be enough of a compromise--swim in whatever she usually wears, but don't walk around all day in it. Swimwear can be expensive, too; there's no reason she should have to spend $40 or more so that her belly button can't be seen under water. If I were she, I'd also be concerned about setting a precedent for future demands, wardrobe or otherwise.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2014 09:50PM by inmoland.

Have Her wear the leopard print speedo, and You wear the bikini.

"Hi Mom! I couldn't remember exactly what you said about swimming suits..."

family reunion not a religious thing. I come from Belknap/Belnap pioneer stock, and the reunions are in a church, a park, and wherever. But despite that there are still plenty of people with tats and dyed hair, with short shorts, jeans, etc. No one is kicking them out.

If I had the bod I would have LOVED to wear a bikini. I missed that though, I had the bod when I was 19 and I lived in stupid cinamom tree apartmens so it had to be a one piece.

good suits cost more than $40 too, so she may very well not havve the money to get something for aone-time event. sorry my keyboard freaking out.