Brother Freevolved, through the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold and in the name of Jesus Christ and having the right and the responsibility as a Patriarch of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I lay my hands upon your head to give you a Patriarchal Blessing.

I bless you that you shall have the comfort of heavenly visitors. You will not recognize them at the time but you shall be ministered to by Timothy, the beloved of the Lord in your very darkest hour.

I bless you that you shall have the comfort of heavenly visitors. You will not recognize them at the time but you shall be ministered to by Peter James and John in you hour of need.

I bless you that you may enjoy the power of discernment that you may know good from evil and have the strength to resist those things which would bring destruction upon you both physically and spiritually. I bless you that you may be given wisdom and understanding. Be kind and gentle to others that they may appreciate your counsel and be led in the paths of righteousness.

I bless you with the strength to accomplish and fulfill all your righteous desires. No good thing will be withheld from you. You will find great joy and satisfaction in your earthly experience.

You have received the priesthood of God and membership in Heavenly Father’s church her upon this earth. As you ponder and study the scriptures you will come to find that this carries with it great responsibilities, the responsibility to build your testimony, to strengthen your faith and to be an anxious and willing messenger of the message of peace to others about you. The restoration of the gospel has given to us in this day and age the priesthood. With this priesthood and with the responsibility of lineage you can go out and testify to the world that God lives and that His church is here upon the earth so that they can find peace and happiness.

In your life, you will have occasion to travel and to work in different parts of the world. As you do so, remember that you share brotherhood and sisterhood with children of all nations and of all races and that you have the capacity to relate to all of them in a way that will build and edify.

You will be an instrument in the hands of our Heavenly Father in bringing the gospel of Jesus Christ through the missionaries, into the lives of many of those that you serve in your profession.

You've been placed on earth to learn to live by faith and prayer. Your faith in the teachings of the gospel will lead you back to your Father and an eternal reward of many wives.

I bless you to this end and as long as you are faithful these blessings will be yours.

I bless you now to be firm in your conviction, to be faithful to all that is lovely and great and upbuilding, faithful to yourself, faithful to the Son of God, Jesus Christ. In the name of Jesus Christ, I seal this blessing. Amen

Get yours at http://www.patriarchalblessing.net/index.php/blessing/read

Is this for real???? Or is this some sort of satirical site?

Just put in your name and it generates a patriarchal blessing for you. Some of the phrases it pulled up were really close to the ones in my blessing. They do a good job.

Oh, gad, thanks. I went and got mine. Goofy.

Ha ha.

This makes up for the fact that when I was 15 or 16 and clearly had a mind of my own, I backed out of the appointment to go get my Patri-artical blessing. Already, I was thinking, WTF?

Whoa!!! Freaky! :O Trying it out now........

OMG OMG!!! This one part in my 'blessing': I bless you that you will bring forth new knowledge which will be of value to all mankind. In the pre-mortal life you stood alongside the great scientists, noble ones like Da Vinci, Dawkins and Darwin and you covenanted with them that you would use your intelligence to heal mankind.

WTF?? LOL I am honored to be with Da Vinci, Dawkins and Darwin! MAN I wish I could post this on my FB!!! This just made my day :D

Couple of observations: It looks legit, even down to the slightly doofus-looking old priesthood dude. But then I saw the disclaimer (the efficacy of the 'blessing' depends on certain variables, etc. including your astrological birth sign). That right there; Bruce R. was all over astrology in Mormon Doctrine, plus surely the old coots would never allow someone to be generating those super speshul sacred-NOT-secret!! blessings online and out of their firm control. Still.....what a trip!
P.S. Some of parts of it are indeed pretty similar to sections of my original "blessing".

Wow. Do all the females just get told they'll be awesome wives? Mine said I had a god-given gift for telling good from evil and I would always be able to discern the difference. So, my discerning mind would like to state that my blessing endows me with the right to proclaim the LDS church as evil. RAmen.

" Your plain exterior hides a beautiful spirit."

Lol!!!!!! It called me ugly!!!!

Well...it's obviously just as full of shit as my "real" patriarchal blessing...

hahaha

Awesome just Got Mine Too!

Brother Ex-CultMember, through the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold and in the name of Jesus Christ and having the right and the responsibility as a Patriarch of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I lay my hands upon your head to give you a Patriarchal Blessing.

You have a mission to fulfill here upon the earth. The time will come when you shall desire to take out your personal endowments in the House of the Lord. In the holy temple you shall enter into covenants that are never to be broken or altered. There you will be given a special name and shall be taught the way to enter back into the presence of your Heavenly Father and into his kingdom.

Our Heavenly Father will bless you that your testimony shall continue to be increased and grow As you observe the commandments of your Heavenly Father, as you study the scriptures, as you pray and fast, your Heavenly Father will grant unto you spiritual experiences that will strengthen you.

Thou shalt live to see the redemption of Zion and rejoice upon the goodly land.

You shall find comfort and guidance and peace as you pray and ponder and search the scriptures and other ancient writings. The Lord has revealed His will to many people, including those on the islands of the sea. Seek out their scripture and His words will be shown you therein.

As you study and as you learn, you will be blessed with a sure knowledge that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, and that He lives and because He lives, we too will live in the eternities.

The time will come when you will desire the companionship of a daughter of Israel. Seek a daughter who loves the Lord and is willing to labor with you in the cause of righteousness. Do this and you will have the opportunity of going to the House of the Lord and there have sealed to you the companion of your choice and enjoy having children born under the covenant who will be yours throughout all eternity.

The Lord has blessed you greatly in that He has sent you to this earth in a time when you could accept the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. You were reserved to come forth in this latter day, in a time of great scientific advances, and great advances in the gospel.

I bless you that your family will the crown of your glory. As you are sealed in the house of the Lord you will receive celestial blessings. The covenants you make will protect you from evil all the days of your life. Stay faithful to them.

Seek friends who will strengthen you rather than those who would tend to undermine your faith. Set an example for those with whom you associate and they will be influenced for good by the example you set.

I remind you, Brother Nathan, that the promises and blessings which are pronounced upon you this day shall be realized if you are true and faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord.

These blessings, are predicated upon your desire to have them and willingness to work to see that they come about and I seal them upon you through your faithfulness with the power to come forth in the morning of the First Resurrection clothed with glory, immortality, and eternal lives to have eternal increase and I do this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

I like this better than the one I got when I was 16. I especially liked this part:

"Your hips shall be restored to their youthful firmness, your wrinkles will be erased and you will never have bad hair again."

Patriarch Johnson is surely inspired!

Sister Sandie. By virtue and authority of the office of Patriarch that I hold, by the office of the Melchizedek Priesthood, and in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, at your request, I lay my hands upon your head and pronounce upon you your patriarchal blessing. This blessing shall be a benefit, a guide, a strength, and a comfort to you throughout your journey in mortality, according to your faithfulness, your willingness, and our desire to follow in the teachings of your Heavenly Father.

As you go through life, be willing to help and to assist those who are weak. You shall be keenly aware of their individual needs, and shall comfort those who need comforting.

Before you came to the Earth, you had an opportunity of choosing the parents you were going to have. You came into their home and have partaken of their love and devotion. You have been a blessing to them.

You had talents and abilities enough that your Heavenly Parents were certain that you would be able to make your way through earth life and on to the Celestial kingdom. You were placed with your earthly family where you would be given the knowledge you had lost as you left the spirit world and experiences to help you grow.

Perilous times are to be visited upon the earth and you will be called upon to bear many burdens. Be steadfast in your faith and testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel and you and your family will be blessed by your Heavenly Father by being protected from harm.

You shall be keenly aware of the dangers that will befall your children and know of their needs at the appropriate times. You shall be alert and be warned in advance of the trials and temptations that will confront them.

I bless you with wisdom from on high in order for you to assist your husband in planning and controlling your finances in such a way that you shall remain financially stable, bringing with it that marvelous sense of security.

Sister Sandie, your Heavenly Father truly loves you and is anxious to extend his most generous blessings to you. You, like your grandparents and parents before you are of the most faithful spirits, held back in reserve for this the final wrapping up of the last dispensation.

Your great experience will be to, with your family, have a wonderful relation of love and of warmth, of harmony, of soft speaking conversation, of unity in warmth and in love that very few individuals will experience.

Go forth and serve well. The Lord will bless you. You shall come forth in the morning of the first resurrection with the righteous and receive the blessings of the faithful.

I bless you that as you pay your tithes and offerings faithfully you will be blessed with a lovely home, a recreational vehicle and all the other needful things of life. The Lord will reward your righteousness with many material blessings. Your wealth will be an example for all.

The promises in this blessing will be fulfilled if you keep yourself true to the faith and keep the commandments of God. Do not deviate even one whit from the true path or you shall find yourself cast out.

I bless you now that you and your companion will come forth in the morning of the first resurrection crowned with immortality and eternal life and this I do in and through the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

Hey, where are my lucky lottery numbers? Rip off!!!

Brother GayLayAle, under the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood I pronounce upon you this Patriarchal Blessing, as did our father Adam upon his the first children on the earth. Much has changed since then, but the blessings you receive today are as valid and important as those bestowed in past time by duly appointed patriarchs of the Lord.

I bless you with good associates, and remember that Satan would dearly love to have us associate with those will not elevate us, and will not encourage us to live the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ and to help build up the Church and Kingdom of God here upon this earth.

If needed you will have the power to heal yourself and call down fire from heaven as did Elijah of old.

Be happy, be humble and obedient. Pay your tithing. Never question your inspired leaders and you will come to know that our Father in Heaven lives, and that He loves you and is anxious for you to succeed.

I bless you with special protection against harm, evil and temptation. Prayer is the key in all things, prayer night and morning, with a prayer always in your heart will bind Satan, as far as you are concerned, so that he can have no power whatsoever upon you, he will be as effectively bound as when he is cast into outer darkness.

You will have the opportunity of functioning as a father, and the blessings given through family life will be yours. Raise your children well.

You have special talents that need to be developed. You will find great joy and peace as you develop these talents.

One of the greatest blessings that you've received thus far is to be baptized a member of the only true Church. You should always treasure this blessing. Most of the world labors in darkness by you have been selected because of your faithfulness to experience greatness.

You will be called as a leader in the Church. Many will follow your instructions and many souls will be touched.

The promises in this blessing will be fulfilled if you keep yourself true to the faith and keep the commandments of God.

These blessings I declare unto you according to your faithfulness in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Sister April. In the name of Jesus Christ and by the authority of the Holy Melchizedek priesthood, I lay my hands upon your head as an ordained patriarch and give you a patriarchal blessing which you now desire.

Your Heavenly Father will bless you that as you grow, you will have the opportunity to serve him in many capacities. You are blessed with organizational talents and shall be of a great strength especially to the youth of the church. You shall labor within many callings and many shall call you blessed for the counsel that you shall give to them. Your callings shall come from your Heavenly Father through your priesthood leaders.

I admonish you to choose your friends wisely, and to associate with those that will be uplifting to you and encourage you to be a better person. Keep yourself morally clean and true to the things that you know are true and right. Do not be persuaded by those who would try to undermine your moral purity and cleanliness. Remember that you are a choice vessel of your Heavenly father and have a great mission to perform in this life.

Teach your children to pray and learn the scriptures as you hold your family home evenings. I bless you with knowledge beyond your years to know how to handle situations in your marriage and in your family that may at times be stressful.

Follow in the footsteps of your angel mother and you will find joy, fulfillment and success. You have many models to follow; there is Ruth in the Bible, and Queen Ester, and Dorcas, who was raised from the dead by the Apostle Peter for her good works; you will be a modern Dorcas, known for your good works.

I bless you that through your determination to associate with those who will be good and wholesome influences in your life, you will come to find a companion who will bring much happiness and joy into your life. Together you will have the blessing of being sealed in the temple of the Lord. You will be able to bring children into the world, to share this home and the loving relationship that the two of you establish.

The Lord has blessed you greatly in that He has sent you to this earth in a time when you could accept the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. You were reserved to come forth in this latter day, in a time of great scientific advances, and great advances in the gospel.

The Lord will bless you in your means that you will have sufficient to care for your family throughout your life as long as you are faithful in your tithes and generous in your offerings.

Now I bless you to come forth in the Morning of the First Resurrection, clothed with glory, immortality, and eternal life, to live with your Heavenly Father and Christ, your family and all your loved ones in perfect bliss and happiness forever upon condition of your faithfulness in all things unto your last breath, and I seal all these blessings and promises upon you by the power of my calling and in the name of Jesus Christ, your Saviour and Redeemer, Amen.



LOL they said dorcus

Not familiar w/what y'all are referring to?? Is this one of the UNIQUE and almost UNHEARD OF rituals w/the LDS faith?? If so, is Patriarch really the title of the blessing?? Thanks y'all.

it is indeed very real it is supposedly "unique" one of the sacred things thats not talked about but its not "Unheard Of" they talk about what a "gift" your patriachial blessing is but being as how the bishop is an ordinary guy we all know out here in the real world this is no magic premonition its just another crock of shit illusion to make the church look all holy.

Thanks much, I guess it is another "out there" thing.Coincidentally, as w/other stuff, I was not informed of this. (Must have slipped their minds when informing me of church)

"Now I bless you that in due course, you will meet your eternal mate. I counsel you to befriend those sisters who are not as fortunate as you in this regard. For you will stand preeminent on your husband's right hand as he covenants with them in the hereafter."

LOL, maybe he knows I'm gay.

Brother Raptor, by the power of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold and the authority in me as a patriarch, I place my hands upon your head to give you your patriarchal blessing. The fulfillment of these things will be dependent upon your righteousness and your obedience in keeping the commandments of our Lord and Savior Raptor Jesus Christ. So, you, I guess.

Brother Raptor, you were the noblest of the children, of the premortal world, there in that holy sphere, through your faithfulness, grew and developed, and presented the plan of salvation to our Heavenly Father. You were chosen through your obedience to come to earth at this appointed time to fuck shit up for real.

Call upon Yourself to give yourself guidance and direction. Seek direction from Heavenly Father and then, through the power of the Holy Ghost, He will enlighten your mind as to the direction and the paths that you should follow. Remember that "up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A" will give you more lives.

I bless you that as you gather your tithes and offerings and keep the Sabbath Day holy, you will never want for food, clothing, shelter, a lovely home, and all the needful things of life. Because that's other people's fucking money. No good thing will be denied you, every righteous desire of your heart will be granted, and as you put first in your life the Lord's Kingdom and the promotion of His Cause, you will have the constant sweet companionship of the Holy Spirit, He will lead you beside the still waters, He will restore your soul daily; and he will point out the hottest of chicks to plow. Angels will then watch over you and be your constant companions.

Through the Priesthood, you can withstand all of the temptations of the evil one, Satanosaurus. Heavenly Father will never let you be tempted beyond your ability to withstand the temptation and trials that come to you.

Our Heavenly Father will bless you that your testimony shall continue to be increased and grow. Keep the commandments of your Heavenly Father, study the scriptures that you don't have to write down yourself, pray and fast and you will be blessed with spiritual experiences that will strengthen you to have unlimited power.

Brother Raptor, your Heavenly Father truly loves you more than any of his other stupid children and is anxious to extend his most generous blessings to you. You, like your Father before was the most faithful spirits, held back in reserve until the Meridian of Time, were crucified, then became gods and fucked a lot of bitches.

These blessings are yours, according to your faithfulness, and I pronounce them upon you through my calling as a patriarch, in the name of, well, You, Raptor Jesus Christ, amen.

Brother Ctus. In the name of Jesus Christ and by the authority of the Holy Melchizedek priesthood, I lay my hands upon your head as an ordained patriarch and give you a patriarchal blessing.
Through this blessing, you will be able to know that our Father in Heaven loves you and wants to advise you on your future. He is keenly aware of the struggles that you have faced and that you will still face. He knows you want to do the right things and will forgive you all your weaknesses if you come to Him in humble prayer.
Your blessing in being upon this earth at this time is to receive of those gifts and to help your Heavenly Father in building His Kingdom in preparation for the coming of the Son of God. You will see in your life many events which herald the coming of the Savior. You should ponder these things.
Remember your responsibility to your forefathers and other famous dead people. Visit the Temple often that you may labor in their behalf, do not be bored with the repetition, it will keep you from straying into darkness and you will rejoice in meeting them in the hereafter and enjoy their association.
I bless you, dear Brother Ctus, that you will continue to pray to the Lord, continue to ask the Lord to lead you and the Lord will always be near you and inspire you and whisper in your ears and give you strength to resist the power of the adversary that you will always be on the Lord's side, the secured side, the warm side where love and sunshine and beauty is.
I bless you with a healthy body and a good mind that you may truly serve the Lord and his children upon the earth. You shall be given opportunities of education and shall have employment suitable to sustain yourself and your family and loved ones. The material things of life which are needed shall be provided. You shall have wisdom in using the resources which the Lord shall place in your hands.
I bless you with the strength to accomplish and fulfill all your righteous desires. No good thing will be withheld from you. You will find great joy and satisfaction in your earthly experience.
I encourage you to read the Book of Hebrews and to learn from that great Epistle of Paul's all the things that can come unto those that develop great faith within their lives.
You shall find comfort and guidance and peace as you pray and ponder and search the scriptures. The Church stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the the least member is true.
You have a rich promise before you. Yours is the challenge to determine to distinguish yourself; not to distinguish yourself in worldly ways, but instead in your closeness and companionship with our Father in Heaven. As you so order your life, as you are prayerful, as you study the scriptures, as you are eager to learn more and more about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you will find that all of the affairs of your life will fall into place. But as you place the things of the world uppermost in your mind, you will stumble and you will struggle, and you will find temptations and adversity to difficult to deal with.
These blessings I declare unto you according to your faithfulness and continued obedience in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Remember your responsibility to your forefathers and other famous dead people. Visit the Temple often that you may labor in their behalf, do not be bored with the repetition, it will keep you from straying into darkness and you will rejoice in meeting them in the hereafter and enjoy their association.

"other dead people"
"do not be bored"

Too funny!

The Church stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the the least member is true.

This is my favourite part. God reads Tolkein?

False Patriarch! It talked quite a bit about my husband and my children. Uh, fail there fella.

It does repeat some things from my original Patriarchal Blessing. Someone knew the drill on those things. LOL

"The Lord has blessed you greatly for he has sent you to this earth in a day and an age when modern plumbing is freely available."

LMAO!!!

(not mine) of TBM's I grew up with & watched the cut & paste as certain paragraphs re-appeared.Just like real patriar5chal blessings.

Great fun!

Ha!!!!

"Learn good hymns that they may help you overcome your natural attractions towards members of your own gender."

He just outed me!!! LOL!!!!

Another question. After you are a member, born into Lds or converted into lds, do they "spring" these rituals, i.e. patriarch blessing, temple visits, etc. Do these get presented to you abruptly after being a member or gracefully in a slower pace?? Seeing so much of these "rituals" which were never presented (learned temple rituals, while reading, internet,this site)makes me wonder which approach is taken as far as the "introduction" of them??

Funny... Thanks because I threw my away.. Its nice to know that similar ambiguous and meanness "blessings" are available to me anytime, i need to be reminded what a crock of shit the LDS church is.

You know, they should do a "mad libs" Partridge Blessings Site.

"Your children will help to usher in the millennial reign of our Savior unless this is postponed because of some unforeseen circumstance."

And I really liked this one.

"Follow in the path of the young wives of the early prophets of this dispensation. How they secretly surrendered that which they held most precious to the worthy servants of the Lord. Always be prepared to sacrifice your will for the Kingdom. "

Sister Munchy. I give you this blessing in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the authority of the holy Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold. All the promises and blessings which you shall shortly hear are conditional on your unwavering obedience.

You have many gifts and talents. You have the gift of intelligence, a good mind, a love for truth. Do not let that love for truth guide you out of the way of the Lord. Remember, not all truth is useful. Seek learning from approved sources, do not stray onto the internet where sorrow and heartache awaits.

I bless you to make study and prayer a daily activity so that the light of the gospel can be evident in your life. You will be blessed to control your thought and shut out the unwanted, and unholy, with the ability to replace them with virtuous thoughts. Learn good hymns that they may help you overcome your natural attractions towards members of your own gender.

Call upon Him to give you guidance and direction. Seek direction from Heavenly Father and then, through the power of the Holy Ghost, He will enlighten your mind as to the direction and the paths that you should follow.

In the premortal existence when the plan of salvation was present to all of Heavenly Father’s children, you shouted for joy to know you would have the opportunity and the privilege to come to the earth to partake of a body of flesh and bones, and to prove your willingness to follow his teachings.

The most wonderful experience of your life will be when you, at the side of a worthy Elder in Israel, will enter the temple of the Most Holy and there be united in the holy order matrimony as first wife to your husband sealed by the holy power of the Priesthood, there receiving your secret signs and tokens to the Celestial Kingdom in the highest degree. I bless you, dear Sister Munchy, to always remember the moment when you were sealed to a worthy Elder in Israel as his wife.

You have the skills and characteristics needed to return to our Father. You have been blessed with a special gift to discern good from evil. Use it wisely and never go over to the dark side.

If needed you will have the power to heal yourself and call down fire from heaven as did Elijah of old.

Remember your responsibility to your forefathers and other famous dead people. Visit the Temple often that you may labor in their behalf, do not be bored with the repetition, it will keep you from straying into darkness and you will rejoice in meeting them in the hereafter and enjoy their association.

I bless you that you shall have the comfort of heavenly visitors. You will not recognize them at the time but you shall be ministered to by Peter James and John in you hour of need.

Now I bless you to come forth in the Morning of the First Resurrection, clothed with glory, immortality, and eternal life, to live with your Heavenly Father and Christ, your family and all your loved ones in perfect bliss and happiness forever upon condition of your faithfulness in all things unto your last breath, and I seal all these blessings and promises upon you by the power of my calling and in the name of Jesus Christ, your Saviour and Redeemer, Amen.

That is funny.

Dear Sister Crist, as a Patriarch and by the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood I bless you now.

Keep a personal journal and keep yourself spotless before the Lord. To deviate from the teachings and blessing that are promised you this day will bring the wrath of God upon you. Listen to those who are in authority over you that they may guide you and direct you.

I bless you that as you pay your tithes and offerings you will never want for food, clothing, shelter. You will be blessed with a lovely home, a large television and all the other needful things of life.

Our Heavenly Father will bless you that your testimony shall continue to be increased and grow. Keep the commandments of your Heavenly Father, study the scriptures, pray and fast and you will be blessed with spiritual experiences that will strengthen you.

Your patriarchal blessing shall be a help and a guide to you as you go forward in life serving the Lord and blessing his children. You shall be blessed with health and strength enabling you to serve diligently and with full capacity in the callings in the church which shall come to you. You shall shoulder responsibilities of leadership. You shall counsel and be blessed with the spirit of revelation and prophecy in fulfilling the assignments which you receive from the Lord.

Sister Crist, your Heavenly Father truly loves you and is anxious to extend his most generous blessings to you. You have lived a good life. You have received good teaching and direction from your parents and from teachers at church and school. You have learned the lessons well.

I bless you with an increased spirit of patience and all the qualities that will make you a faithful and devoted wife. I further bless you with understanding and the ability to support your husband as he enters into the Holy order of Matrimony in the hereafter.

The Lord has blessed you greatly for he has sent you to this earth in a day and an age when you could hear the still small voice of the good shepherd and by so doing, accept the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.

I bless you with special protection against harm, evil and temptation. Prayer is the key in all things, prayer night and morning, with a prayer always in your heart will bind Satan, as far as you are concerned, so that he can have no power whatsoever upon you, he will be as effectively bound as when he is cast into outer darkness.

Sister Crist, you were one of the noble children, of the premortal world. You stood at the very side of the angels as they cast the evil one out. Your reward for this was to be held back to the very last days where you will be called once again into the battle. No good deed goes unpunished.

You have many gifts and talents. Your Heavenly Father loves you so much that He has blessed you abundantly with talents. You have the gift of intelligence, a good mind, a love for truth, a pleasing personality, a cheerful countenance, a listening ear; your greatest talent is your testimony, your faith your love for the gospel, your love for Christ. You have creative hands with which to fashion lovely things for the home that you will have.

These blessings I seal upon you through your willingness to be obedient to your Heavenly Father’s commandments and I seal you up to come forth in the morning of the First Resurrection to immortality and eternal life that you may dwell with your loved ones in the Kingdom of your Heavenly Father eternally and this I do by the power of the Priesthood which I hold in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Awesome! I'm going to reign fire on the heads of people that oppose my household! (OH, and I should be grateful for modern plumbing! wtf?!?) :)

Brother sithlorddaddy, by the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood, and exercising the office of Patriarch, I lay my hands upon your head to give you a blessing. I acknowledge our Father in Heaven, and I express your and my love, and gratitude, unto him for the blessings he gives all of us.

Yours will be the great and beautiful experience to keep yourself unspotted by the world, to keep yourself virtuous and clean before man and before God.

You have been blessed with a great gift, which one day will be needed for the protection of your family. You will have the power to translate yourself and call down fire from heaven as did Elijah of old.

You shall find comfort and guidance and peace as you pray and ponder and search the scriptures. The Church stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the the least member is true.

The day will come when you shall enter into the temple with a choice companion at your side and there be married for time and all eternity. You shall be blessed with children reserved by the Lord to come forth in the last dispensation. You shall be blessed as a father in Israel in teaching your children to obey the commandments of the Lord. Your home shall be watched over and protected from the elements of destruction. Through the priesthood you shall bless your home and the members thereof.
You have within you Brother sithlorddaddy, the capacity to be a leader. But there is no place that will be more important for you to manifest these qualities that within your own home. Be patient, be tolerant, be eager to do for others that things that will help them. As you do your own life will be enriched and you will find a joy for which you eagerly strive.

Be humble and obedient. As you are you will come to know that our Father in Heaven lives, and that He loves you and is anxious for you to prosper.

The Lord has blessed you greatly for he has sent you to this earth in a day and an age when modern plumbing is freely available. Always be grateful for what may appear to be humble blessings.

These blessings are yours, according to your faithfulness, and I pronounce them upon you through my calling as a patriarch, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

"You have been blessed with a great gift, which one day will be needed for the protection of your family. You will have the power to translate yourself and call down fire from heaven as did Elijah of old.

You will be tried with an attractiveness to your own gender. Do not give into this temptation. Heavenly Father will never let you be tempted beyond your ability to withstand the temptation. "

How did he know I'm bisexual? Creepy! Plus, I can call down fire like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers! And translate myself! Woohoo! C'mon all you cute, clean-cut missionary boys.. follow me to safety in the afterlife! You'll need to endure a worthiness interview with my wife first, however. She gets final approval on all Spirit Husbands. ;-)