Last night I got an email from a daughter that has shunned me for nearly 15 years, no contact.....She has broken with her mormon cult teachings and indicated she wanted a relationship.

I have so many feelings right now, I have to take time and sort them out...Maybe there is hope for parents of children that are in the cult who hate us for discovering the fraud.

I am confused as to how to treat her. Any suggestions???

With love.

At first, I would spend more time listening to her than talking. If she's just left the church, her emotions are probably raw.

You've had to be the adult in your one-sided relationship right along, so continue in that role. Be loving and accepting. Remember that the church taught her that there is no happiness outside of Mormonism, so be a model for her in that regard. She didn't know any better, but now she does. It's never too late for positive change.

Pretend that there has been no shunning, no 15 year gap, catch up and be happy.

Don't talk about the Church.

Opportunity of a lifetime. Yes! Yes! Yes! Treat her with open arms as if you killed the fatted calf. I would say take down all barriers and be your same self.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/05/2011 07:30AM by suckafoo.

Don't talk about the church NOW. That can wait for later.

Spend time with her face-to-face, listen to her and hug and hold her, if she'll let you.

Be happy she has come to her senses, and wants to try once again being a daughter to you.

Be her dad, and let the first few visits be about her and what she needs.

If she's an adult herself, you can go about it a bit differently, but even then, give it some time before you get down to the brass tacks of comparing feelings about the church and getting into the blame game, or the he said, she said.

Maybe set limits on what you will get into, even then. Some adult things and emotions we've dealt with, despite the passing of years, are not for our own kids who are struggling to deal with their own guilt and shortcomings, to carry as burdens, too.

Especially if her behavior began and was supported when she was a young child, while under the influence of other adults who should have known better than to manipulate her toward that end.

Share your anger and the intensity of your distress at some point if you can both agree to try and remain civil when you do. Emotions will happen, unbidden, and some will be very strong.

She and you will be better able to handle it all, if there's time for you to bond again, to get used to each other's way of speaking and listening, and to trust and feel safe with each other again.


Lots of luck to you and your daughter. Here's hoping it all turns out well, for both of you.

Wow. You guys are really loving. I think if someone had shunned me for a long time, I would welcome them back into my life, but I'd probably be somewhat cool. Keeping them slightly at arm's length to protect myself.

Happy Day!

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.


Notice that the father did not demand a detailed account or explanation for his son's behavior. He did not demand an apology or confession. He simply celebrated their renewed relationship.

There will be rocky times ahead as you renew your relationship, but go for it and be glad.

like others have said forget the past and see if you can build a relationship with her for the future.

I know sometimes with age and maturity people see that they've been unreasonable. Maybe she's seeing the world differently now. Maybe with time she'll be able to talk church too— but for now I would not argue those points.

First, let me say this, ‘get her done.’ Naturally you feel apprehensive. I have heard punitive silence referred to as “emotional murder” and you have endured such silence for 15 years! And naturally, you feel angry as well. After all those years of pain you suffered, DD thinks she can just take up where you two left off?

I say this to acknowledge the negative feelings you're bound to have along with the positive one of hope that you can be in her life again.

However, remember that DD, like you and like all of us here, was the victim of a cult. The brainwashing was so effective that only now have the scales at last fallen from her eyes. In shunning you, her own father, she “knew not what she did.” Recognizing this will help you let go of the anger you understandably must feel.

My SUGGESTED RESPONSE:

“DD, I am surprised and overjoyed that you might be open to having a relationship with me once again! Let’s talk!

“Love, Dad”

I didn't speak to my father for about 10 years for reasons I don't want to divulge too much right now, but part of it has to do with implanted memories, my TBM mother, and a Mormon therapist. At one point, I said I didn't even care when he died and I would never regret kicking him out of my life.
I apologized 7 years ago for the mess my TBM mother put us in and he forgave me and welcomed me back with open arms. We have a very good, strong relationship now that we never had. I have more in common with my father and patriarchal side of my fmaily than I do with my matriarchal side. I am truly my father's daughter and I really regret those lost years.

Forgive her and give her all the love you can muster. You'll both benefit from it. Trust me

When this happened with my daughter (two or three year gap) it was really difficult for me. I had been so resolved and accustomed to not having her in my life, that I actually had to weigh out whether or not I really wanted to put out the effort necessary to rebuild a trusting relationship.

Those who say "Forget the past" are nuts, and have NEVER experienced the pain and loss that you have. I am sure at one time you loved your daughter unconditionally...until that day SHE put conditions on your relationship with her. I know that hurt and took a long time to get over and get to a point where you could live without her. I know that was tough.

Don't run away from what has transpired. I told my daughter that I had overcome my pain, eliminated hurtful people (like her) from my life, and was fine with not having her around. But because she was my daughter and had approached me, I would make the effort to rebuild a relationship. I was open with her that it would take time and I would protect myself from being hurt again. I couldn't just pretend nothing had happened. It would take time and I would give it my best shot.

That was 10 years ago and we have seemed to reach a common middle ground. I love her, but I don't think we will ever reach a point or have a relationship like we once had.

Congrats on having her come to her senses about the church and you. Best of luck to you.

The above post are just outsanding. Each one is a piece of the puzzle that I needed, you don't know how much your insghts mean to me. When lurker mormons what to see what this board is really about, they don't have to go further than your post. I have no friends, only you cyber friends and no one to talk to but myself..I love talking to myself for I never argue..but if there is a heaven I would want to be with people like you, not the temple workers I used to work with...thanks

Having been estranged from my son for several years (his choice) I can understand how hard that is. But I always left the door open to him. One day he opened it a crack...Now we have a great relationship. But in the process of reconciliation struggled with my feelings of wanting him to know and somehow "feel" the pain he had caused...and at the same time not wishing that kind of pain on anyone. I wanted some closure and "justice". I had to CHOOSE to let it go. To move forward with rebuiling trust and a healthy relationship (healthy, not does not usually mean "normal"). We now have a great relationship. He has a son of his own now. I asked him recently,"Is there anything your son could do that would make you stop loving him?" He said "No!" I just winked at him. He smiled.

littledebbie1 Wrote:
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> He has a son of his own now. I asked him recently,"Is there anything your son could do that would make you stop loving him?" He said "No!" I just winked at him. He smiled.

That was a great teaching moment! Sometimes you have to wait for it. ;-)

This is wonderful. I say treat her with utmost respect. Allow her to talk if she wants...she may need to vent. If she wants to apologize, please let her. That will take away a lot of guilt. Instead of saying "I told you so", say something like...."For some it takes weeks to figure out the fraud....for others it takes decades". Tell her everyone must do things in your own time, when you are sure you are right in your new perspective. All the best and if she is coming to you, maybe others will too. I think you have more kids, right?

my father left the church soon after he abandoned my mom. i was taught that he was 'bad' for not being a mormon and for drinking coffee so i was literally raised not to like him. funny how i became an apostate as well. i still dont know if i want to meet him again but its for other reasons. i think u should welcome her back into your life, you're lucky shes the one that reached out first

Ali....I think he would at least want to know that you are safe and out of the church. Just my thoughts on what you said. Only you know if the other issues keep you from really re-establishing a relationship. Can't you at least tell him you are out??? Don't mean to be bossy. Just know what it would mean if my daughter told me she was out.

This could be a very good thing, but you don't have to approach it with an open arms attitude. It really depends on how you feel. Your daughter may have the title of daughter, but she is a person who has hurt you deeply and has been absent from your life for 15 years. Relationships take time and dedication, and you can't expect to have a relationship with her right away. Certainly you couldn't expect to have a mother/daughter relationship with her for many many years.

Personally, I wouldn't accept this person back into my life so quickly, but I tend to be very emotionally cold. Of course, as a mother, you might have a need for her in your life, and that is something you shouldn't ignore either.