I was a mormon extremist. It got to the point I'd internalized every teaching, every scripture, and felt I was on a lone, upstream battle to fix the world.

lone because it seemed even fellow church members didn't *get it*

Honestly the world the way I envisioned it and the way I strived to make it was a lot better than the world I finally had to resign myself to accept living in. The lone uphill battle was impossible.

Now I have trouble functioning in the world. A little naive. A little mentally retarded. A little broken. A lot broken. Disillusioned.

I hear you and I feel the same.

It is the cycle of abuse, Mormonism-style. It exists to keep you down, as a member, to keep itself up. It makes "perfectionists"/ losers out of it's followers. There is no way to win, improve or perfect it enough. We are all human. It is viscious and harmful to the individual at the expense of numbers, money, power! We improve from the moment we walk out of those doors.

Since Utah has high numbers of BIC cultists, and the highest use of antidepressants among women on the planet, it seems mental illness comes about from Mormonism.

Heavenly Mother is in her bedroom with the door shut and the pill bottle open. Heavenly Father is busy cheating a neighbor god with a business scheme. I grew up with it.

I has been literal hell for several of my family members. They don't see it, but it's obvious where the problems originate. The older they are, the worse they get. They also don't believe in going to "that kind" of DR.

It's amazing how much depression went away after I figured out the church was a crock and I didn't have to try to be perfect anymore.

That said, depression and negative thinking can be devistating. I'd recommend you seek a professional counselor who's non-judgemental to help sort out your feelings. Cognitive therapy helped me to see people as individuals, not as stereotypes and threats to my world-view. I also learned to like myself, flaws and all!

Very best wishes!

"Honestly the world the way I envisioned it and the way I strived to make it was a lot better than the world I finally had to resign myself to accept living in."

Lenina, I empathize with your message. It is tragic that so many kind, good people suffer even more because of the church. Some religions are so much gentler.

I hope you can find comfort because it sounds like you're going through a rough time. Please find ways to be good to yourself as you heal. Do you have people in your life that support you?

Thank you, ss. You quoted a poignant part of my post. You help me feel understood. In response to your question, no I don't have any huggable face-to-face humans as a support network but I <3 RFM and some other online forums with great people to talk & listen & share with. In the offline world my acquaintances are not deep and not satisfying. And I move a lot.

From a blog called: Godlessindixie (Google it to read more.)

Title of post: When Personality Flaws Hide Behind Religion

Propriety dictates that it’s not okay to criticize someone’s religion to his face (the internet is often a different story) so that any quirks or personality flaws which match or mirror a person’s religion go unchecked perhaps for the duration of his entire life. They’re camouflaged, surrounded by the matching textures and colors of whatever ideology nurtured and amplified those flaws until they became the well-dressed monster they are today. Put differently, a neurosis is just as likely to wear a sanctuary choir robe as it is to wear the tattered clothes of a homeless person, but the drifter’s flaws are obvious; the baritone’s not so much.

I think there's a case for both. I think Mormonism's "divine right" elitism attracts people with certain personality disorders eg. NP, BPD etc.

I also think that the sheer competitiveness that it creates, the forced friendships, the constant cognitive dissonance and the infantilisation can cause severe depression. I'd also say that extreme emotional and physical exhaustion caused by balancing church callings, work and family can contribute to serious physical illnesses as well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/08/2014 11:27PM by sassypants.

I wish I could blame this sh!t on Mormonism. My brain chemistry is whack. I recently went to a new counselor. She was a crappy listener and really just wanted to get to her "bag of tricks". Seriously. She figured she'd fix 33 years of cycling depression with 5 to 6 weeks of cognitive therapy. In response to my abusive dad, dead mother, suicide dead brother and daughter--"I can't unring that bell." Her compassion was stunning. (Sarcasm.) I am so grateful for drugs that work. And coffee. Life is better after Mormonism, but mental illness exists independently of Mormonism.

I hope you kicked that therapist to the curb and found a better one! (Hugs)

Hugs from me too, Dorothy. Yeah, counselors mean well but don't always hit the right spot. I've yet to find a helpful counselor. I like support groups.

All these comments are so good. Thank you guys for hearing & understanding, sympathizing, sharing your own stories. Feeling supported. Hugs.

When I was Mormon I had irrational fears about germs (especially in food), to the point that I would start to get anxious about sanitizing the kitchen and couldn't eat leftovers because I was afraid of bacteria in the food.

I also would get terrible acid reflux for no reason.

Shortly after leaving Mormonism all that went away... I was also more relaxed in general.

"Heavenly Father is busy cheating a neighbor god with a business scheme." - or FU*KING some teenager on the block.

I think that the cult does the most damage to the members who took it the most seriously, who tried the hardest to be perfect. I was like that, too, Lenina.

In answer to your question, no, you are not crazy. Mormonism is a crazy-making CULT. Yes, it can be emotionally and spiritually destructive, and worse the longer you are in it. Once you leave, the Mormons try to threaten, intimidate, and shun you. I promise you, that life outside of the CULT is much happier. You will find love outside the CULT. You are on the right path.

Cognitive therapy helped me. A non-Mormon Psychiatrist was recommended to me by a psychiatrist friend of mine (I didn't want to go to a friend for therapy). Ask your doctor to recommend a few, and you choose your own. Therapy can change your world view.

I was surprised at how much love there is in the world outside of Mormonism! People have your back. Friends are true. Most non-Mormon businesses are honest. You need go change your world view from negative and frightening, to positive and welcoming. Remember, you have been brainwashed to fear the world.

You need to get back your self-esteem, like BYUboner did. You can consciously work on this, by identifying the old Mormon voices in your head, and telling them to "shut up." The voices are there, internalized from your perfectionistic Mormon parents, the Primary teachers, the scriptures, joined in by your own voice. You can trace back where each judgment, each lie, each threat came from. This makes the brainwashing lose its power over you. Be patient with yourself. It does take time.

No one has a "perfect" recovery!

ExMoBandB, your comments are right on: "I was surprised at how much love there is in the world outside of Mormonism! "
I agree but it takes some effort to find those people since most of us had assigned friends in tscc.

Lenina, I realized right away that I lagged in my friendship-making skills. So I have talked myself into getting out of my home and into places where I might gain some quality friends. I'm a bit shy and struggle with depression. I give myself time and remind myself that the two close friends I've made so far are gifts.

Probably tscc and even other churches tend to draw people who are both sensitive and hurting. IMO many LDS are emotionally depleted. Some close family members under medical treatment for mental illness are trying to make friends by getting more involved with serving others. Whether in or out of the LDS church, in good health or poor, there are good people who will appreciate us for taking time with them.