My story is the same as a million others .I left the church .My husband left Me.Sitting here alone and afraid.I really don/t know wich way is up.
Where In the unmormon world do you go?

That notion seems ridiculous to outsiders, but it is commonplace within mormondumb. Best to you Nashama. We're here to listen.

So sorry for you. Please tell us your story. I wonder if leaving the church doesn't show that you never really had him in the first place. It will get better, but it does hurt along the way. There is a reason people need to "recover" from mormonism. You are not alone.

For you specifically, I really don't know and I am really sorry for what you are going through.

But here is something to think about: if a man or woman leaves their spouse when the spouse leaves the church, then that man or woman loves the religion more that they love their spouse.

In this situation, you will always play second fiddle to the church. Is this something you would rather live with than be true to yourself?

What I suspect, and see this frequently on this board, is that after a period of time you will be happier leaving the church than living a lie, and you will most certainly find someone in your life that puts you first.

probably is not worth having as a spouse.

"I will love you forever, but only if you continue to believe in: (1) Joseph Smith and his magic rock; and (2) Thomas S. Monson as the current successor to Joseph Smith."

I don't know about you, but I don't need that kind of conditional love in my life. This isn't to minimize the turmoil and distress of having trusted someone in a relationship only to find out that they wanted to use the relationship as leverage to force you into believing absurdities.

I see the husband's point-of-view, but the set-up is bad for the couple from the start. It's too bad he doesn't see it that way. This is a the best description of the problem I've read:

"With a strong emphasis in the Church on finding a right and wrong way for everything, identical religious thought and action between marriage partners is encouraged. Where there are differences, one spouse must be wrong. Ironically, any church that has many criteria for goodness sets up as many points for conflict as for congruency. (This is true generally: the more areas two or more people want to share, the more areas for potential disagreement emerge. This is why friendships often work better than marriages; we sharply limit the number of concerns which overlap with our friends and often become really close to only those with whom we agree.) We may be unwittingly sharpening a double-edged sword as we increase the number of rituals and programs a couple must share as a condition for a happy marriage." (Raynes, Marybeth. Issues of Intimacy: A Mixed Religious Marriage, Sunstone Magazine, March 1985, p. 40.)

The Church leaves out the reality that people change and marriages have to change, too. But the Mormon Church really doesn't care about its members having happy marriages, for all the lip service it gives. When I was married in the Church and wanting to leave, I felt like the Church was an unwelcome third party in our relationship--like my wife was having an affair with the Church.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2011 01:45AM by robertb.

Thankfully, for now, the Church can't send out armed goons to make people pay their tithing, go to the temple, take callings, clean toilets in church buildings, etc. But it can do the next best thing. It can use family members against each other.

Want to stop paying tithing? How much do you think a divorce is gonna cost you buster?

Want to drink some coffee? Are you willing to have your kids look at you with disgust as though you've become a slime-covered fiend hatched in hell?

Want to stop wearing your garments? You have just been targeted for a sex boycott by your spouse.

As long as the Church can keep one or more members of your family in a state of fanatical loyalty to the Church, you will have to deal with whatever punishment they can think of to dish out to you if you ever try to break free of the Church's MindSlave(R) programming.

That's a very interesting explanation. Thanks.

After 30 years of marriage my wife left me after I resigned. It sucks and It’s damn lonely. Everyone told me it would get better. They told the truth. It was a bitch at first but lately it s been going up and up. It takes time to rebuild after your world gets destroyed like that. To learn that your spouse is in love with the fantasy and not you is a harsh revelation. They leave you and plug another into the fantasy. You are actually very lucky. In five years you'll be saying “Thank friggin Snoopy!” Come here for advice. This board saved me. I needed to know that others like me existed. We’ve been there and done that. Someone here has probably been through your personal situation and can show you the way to rebuild.

Just today as I was having dinner with an entirely new group of people I thought “wow, I have met a far better level of people than I’ve ever been with before”. They were laughing, having intelligent conversation with great food, multiple beverage types (tea, coffee, soda water, polish vodka, three kinds of beer, Irish cream liquor and two kinds of wine on the same table. No one got drunk or tipsy).

It takes time. Survive it one day at a time. I’m still doing it and it’s working. I’m serious about the better people thing. I’ve done nothing but meet better people since I left. You will too and you’ll get support from them. If fact you already found some right here.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2011 01:38AM by AmIDarkNow?.

I was born and brought up in the church to 2nd generation Mormon parents who were quite active and my other 5 siblings are very TBM now. I was,also, until about 6 years ago, when I ventured into investigating the true origins of the Mormon church. I became very aware of the many problems and evidences that showed the fraudulent origins of the church and I could no longer accept being a member. My wife of 38 years, at that time, was very upset and felt I was being led astray by satan and after a year or so just walked away from our marriage.

It was a total shock to me when she did this but I was unable to save the marriage despite my best efforts and we were divorced just short of forty years of marriage.

It has been a brand new and very different world for me since that time. I have remarried now to someone I love very much and accepts me for the beliefs I have. We have been married now for just over 3 years.

I thought I had a great marriage to my former wife and it was very much a surprise to me that she loved the church more than me as it seemed. I had been totally faithful and a good husband and father to 6 children over the years of our marriage and yet my losing belief in the church was enough to end this long term union.

I am sure there are very many others who have gone through a break-up of their marriage as a result of leaving the church and it is a sad thing for sure that this kind of thing has to happen when all we are really doing is trying to discover the real truths as to the religion that had been a major part of our lives.

I am very content now in the way I believe and I certainly could never return to Mormonism as it is certainly a religion originated from a man (Joseph Smith) who did not tell the truth but did things in a self-serving scheme, of sorts, to benefit himself and build his ego.

The best of luck to all those others who have lost a partner in marriage as a result of a journey of discovery of truth.

Well, first of all know that many out there will help you make the adjustment. Do you work outside the home? Do you do things for fun such as hiking, scrapbooking, go to the gym? You can meet people anywhere. But if it is your spiritual self you are most concerned about attend a mainstream church and ask the pastor to meet with you a few days after. YOU will be treated very well, with compassion and you will KNOW that all will be okay. The support the pastor will give will be amazing.

Do not think life is just a hole to sink in at this moment. IT is the opposite. Life is full of promise now that you have a huge chain taken off of you. Sad your hubby loved "the church" more than you. But it is good to know that now, so you can HAVE a real life ahead. Best wishes and keep us updated. The world awaits you and your freedom.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2011 01:42AM by honestone.

I'm sorry to hear that Nashama...

Where do you turn? For me, it was my family. They're not mormon so that was a safe place for me to go. This forum also works well for venting.

It gets better with time, but those first few months are brutal.

Oh yeah, par for the course.

The spouse married the system and then you second.

Can't blame them, a lot of us were programmed to be the same before we opened our eyes.

I am sorry for your plight, Nashama, and can only echo the thoughts of the other responders

if he loved the church more than you, then you're probably better off without him

and, it will get better, in time.

If your hubby truly loves you, he'll realize that marriage shouldn't be based on such shallow conditions. If he doesn't, then you will move on and find someone who truly loves you.

It may hurt in the short run, but better to find out now than later.

Nashama I am in the same boat. I lurk here sometimes looking for a ray of sunshine to peek through these overwhelming clouds of fear and depression.

In May I decided I could not believe in the church anymore. Immediately thereafter, my "eternal" husband decided he could no longer be married to me. Now we are in the middle of a brutal divorce.

After 29 years of giving up everything to this relationship, I discover, I was never going to be enough for him. He was married to a "mormon girl" first and foremost. It never really mattered who I was, or how good or bad I was as a human. As long as my first name was mormon, I was ok for him. By Valentine's I will be divorced and a new "Mormon girl" will be thrilled at the opportunity to be his happy wife.

Following a family "intervention" I am abandoned by my husband, family, and friends. I have no support system outside of the morg. The once firm foundation of my life no longer exists.

I cling desperately to the views held here that this agony will eventually pass. But for now the waves of pain and betrayal wash over me daily. I know intellectually this will not kill me. I just don't want to end up a bitter middle aged woman alone and angry at the world.

If I were agnostic or atheist I could laugh at the medieval mind for laying all this at a god's feet. But I still believe in a loving, if not mormon God. Reconciling this in my heart and mind has been impossible so far.

Nashama I am so sorry you are feeling alone and afraid right now. I understand. If we lived closer to each other we could be a support system of 2. Right now, there is no up or down, or right or wrong. Today, there is only survival. Get up, plan for today, make it through, and try again tomorrow. Who we were, and the dreams we had, are for the moment gone. Some day we may go back to more familiar ways, and more recognizable dreams, but until then hold on tight to life. Each day we survive we get closer to determining for ourselves the life WE choose to live.

It's too late for me to go back. If I lie and say "oh it was just a momentary lapse in testimony" they will still never truly trust my faith again. My husband will become the ward martyr, and I would sacrifice the rest of my life trying to prove I am a believer again. As much as all this hurts, the bottom line in my marriage is... after 29 years together, he never even knew who I was past my first name of Mormon.

The flicker of a thought that has begun faintly growing in my heart, is eventually making friends with people who like me for all that I am, without ever asking "so what church do you go to?" I dream of a dinner with friends and no talk of church. If I dream really big, maybe we drink a little too.

But first, I have to get through today.

LineUponLine where are you? Sowest? Your story is sad as well. Yes, some men just marry the fairytale Mormon church. Although you feel alone now, you WILL make new friends. Go to any outing ad strike up a conversation....or go to a new church just to sit there and experience a new feeling. It may or may not be for you. NO one will come up to you asking questions. You are just a guest. Go back again or don't. You can talk to a pastor when ready and honestly if you only knew how they help people like you. No need to fear.

YOU will find friends and this nightmare will be a long ago memory. I too was married 29 yrs. and divorced. My ex just put in his time, filled squares and then wanted to act like an 18 yr. old with no responsibility. He lied, stole college money and cheated. What a man of character, eh??? So happy to be rid of that fake. Our situation didn't involve a different belief system. He just wasn't into it. Not much of a religious man and like all else just faked it. So I wish you and the OP the best. YOU will find what you need but it takes a little effort on your part. So much in the world to experience yet.

Well, I just read lineuponline's post and I have a really big lump in my throat. I have been that low, different circumstances, and can tell you one thing. I have had the dinner with true friends that lineuponline talks about where you are safe and loved and not judged. It was filled with honest unafraid riotous laughter and everything rang true deep down for the first time ever. It was worth whatever hell got me to the point where I was feeling that deeply. It was better than the times before I had with family or any mormons ever.

Find new things to fill the void with, that is important. There is a lot more to you. Always think of it as a journey, and I wish you something beautiful around the next corner--like real friends.

I'm living your life in the mirror - look in there, see me? Divorcing after 18 years because I left the church and took the kids with me. And the most ironic thing to me is that he is NOT a TBM!! He coasts along as a JackMo because of who his family is. Yet. He. Judges. Me.

Our lives are in complete chaos right now. I start a real job tomorrow for the first time in 15 years. I'm terrified. I want a real man in the house, to fix things and investigate bumps in the night. I have to rely on my 14-year-old son who has had the courage to man-up and take his father's place.

Middle-aged and single with a boatload of kids. I see no hope for the future right now (although I know it's there). Funny . . . I started out this relationship as an attractive, bubbly, ex-cheerleader with stars in my eyes of love for eternity.

Now I have night sweats from anxiety. I'm so scared. I want to slap his mocking face. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you what he's doing now. The man gives new meaning to the phrase "second childhood."

God, I'm pissed. And my kids are suffering. That's all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/11/2011 01:06PM by shannon.

:)
here is hoping all that are coping get over their current travails without much angst!! :)

happy T-Day!! sorry sweety about your sitch!! wish i could do more!! :)

Thank-you all .Sorry words are hard tonight.
lineby line My heart is with you.One of those waves keeps washing over me tonight.My first Thanksgiveing without ,Just want to jump in hole!
linebyline please know that Iam with you in my heart,I offer you any suport I can .Look up at the sky and know that I live under the same sky.Standing under that Sky loveing you for you!

I live in ne Texas, land of drought and fire bans.

Shannon and Nashama I just went outside and watched the moon continue to rise thinking of you both. I will carry you in my heart as my first virtual friends on this solitary painful journey.

Nashama, what a tortuous 24 hours to endure. This Thanksgiving, a time of joy for some, and anguish for others. I have no words adequate to soften the pain.

In 2007 when my grandmother died, my nevermo grandfather told my son and I "We are a good family. We will be ok." Nov. 9th of last year, my grandfather died as well. When I was talking to my adult son (28) about dreading the upcoming holidays he repeated my grandfather's words. I said "But there are only 2 of us!" My son repeated "We are a good family. We will be ok."

So Shannon and Nashama, there is room at our table and in our hearts. Cling to my grandfather's words as I do. Even if we are a family of 2, 3, 4 or many more. "We are a good family. We will be ok."

I for one, pray that OK will come sooner rather than later.

I'm in central TX... I wish we gals could meet!! From what I gather, there are fewer of us than male ExMos and TBM husbands tend to be crazy-uptight about dumping us or 'tolerating' us.

I think a lot of us have been there before. It is worth it, but those first few months are tough.

I remember sitting and not knowing what to do. I had no friends, I wasn't having sex with someone anymore, I didn't have a religion or concept of god. Those were some of the hardest months I have ever had.

I went through almost the same thing. Only my wife went back to the mormons after being totaly inactive. After a year or so she wanted me to rejoin and take her through the temple. No way. We got a divorce,,lost a succesful business,,lost a nice home. She went home to mommy. I looked at it as starting over in my 40's,,hard choices and new outlook. I had nowhere to go but up. That was over 30 years ago.I rebuilt my life and never married again. Life is good now....

If you're in Utah, remember you're in a Sausage Fest.

Pick up some golf clubs, skis or a road bike and you'll have guys all over you like, well; I'm all over a 6-pack of Wasatch Ale or Daniel Peterson is over a box of donuts.

I agree with the points made, but for even handedness I'd like to attempt to put forward the other side of this type of thing (please don't flame me as I'm not criticising the views and opinions shared thus far and I am also in the exact same situation).

The fact is, that we are the ones changing the deal.
We signed up to a lifelong commitment to Mormonism and all that goes with it. Our partners have a right to feel hurt. We are, in effect, saying that whilst we used to be perfectly aligned in our beliefs, we're not any more. This reduces our compatibility and perhaps turns us into people that our partners would not have married in the first place.

Let's say we leave Mormonism split up with our spouse and remarry a non-Mormon. We have a happy life but then in five or ten years time we decide we actually do believe in Mormonism again and go fully active. Would our new spouse be expected to just absorb that change, or even join us in something they didn't believe? Or would they have the right to be hurt and reconsider their position?

I'm not arguing for one side or the other. Like I said, I'm in this situation of a believer and one who has changed belief. It's not straightforward, it's not clear cut. It's complicated and difficult and sensitive and emotive. You just have to work it out as best you can and I believe that involves both parties being prepared to compromise.

Note: I am yet to successfully find compromises that work!

When I discuss with my wife the issues I have with some church people (more than the church), she looks at me like I am crazy. I get a strong feeling that I just need to shut-up or it may all fall apart. It does make me wonder if some people regard their Temple Marriage more important than the person they are married to. I have stressed to my children the need to make sure the person you marry is the right person and forget your obligations and what mission presidents and others have told you. One son was almost guilted into marriage because he wanted to do the right thing. He is now enjoying a courtship with another girl and understands what is important.