Posted by:
LineUponLine
(
)
Date: October 10, 2011 04:36PM
Nashama I am in the same boat. I lurk here sometimes looking for a ray of sunshine to peek through these overwhelming clouds of fear and depression.
In May I decided I could not believe in the church anymore. Immediately thereafter, my "eternal" husband decided he could no longer be married to me. Now we are in the middle of a brutal divorce.
After 29 years of giving up everything to this relationship, I discover, I was never going to be enough for him. He was married to a "mormon girl" first and foremost. It never really mattered who I was, or how good or bad I was as a human. As long as my first name was mormon, I was ok for him. By Valentine's I will be divorced and a new "Mormon girl" will be thrilled at the opportunity to be his happy wife.
Following a family "intervention" I am abandoned by my husband, family, and friends. I have no support system outside of the morg. The once firm foundation of my life no longer exists.
I cling desperately to the views held here that this agony will eventually pass. But for now the waves of pain and betrayal wash over me daily. I know intellectually this will not kill me. I just don't want to end up a bitter middle aged woman alone and angry at the world.
If I were agnostic or atheist I could laugh at the medieval mind for laying all this at a god's feet. But I still believe in a loving, if not mormon God. Reconciling this in my heart and mind has been impossible so far.
Nashama I am so sorry you are feeling alone and afraid right now. I understand. If we lived closer to each other we could be a support system of 2. Right now, there is no up or down, or right or wrong. Today, there is only survival. Get up, plan for today, make it through, and try again tomorrow. Who we were, and the dreams we had, are for the moment gone. Some day we may go back to more familiar ways, and more recognizable dreams, but until then hold on tight to life. Each day we survive we get closer to determining for ourselves the life WE choose to live.
It's too late for me to go back. If I lie and say "oh it was just a momentary lapse in testimony" they will still never truly trust my faith again. My husband will become the ward martyr, and I would sacrifice the rest of my life trying to prove I am a believer again. As much as all this hurts, the bottom line in my marriage is... after 29 years together, he never even knew who I was past my first name of Mormon.
The flicker of a thought that has begun faintly growing in my heart, is eventually making friends with people who like me for all that I am, without ever asking "so what church do you go to?" I dream of a dinner with friends and no talk of church. If I dream really big, maybe we drink a little too.
But first, I have to get through today.