Hello, I'm not new to this forum - I post sporadically as "Really?!", but I see someone new on the board feels the same shock as I did :) and has started using that nickname, so it's time I get a more personal login.

My "recovery" didn't take too long in the grand scheme of things - about two months once I realized what a fraud TSCC is. I'm the kind of person that once I made an emotional break with the church, I didn't give it another thought. It's so not part of my life anymore that I feel completely free. I feel no need whatsoever to resign my membership, because that to me would mean acknowledging that they have some kind of hold or authority over me.

I perfectly understand that there are others who need to resign their membership to feel completely free, and my wife is one of them. She doesn't want to resign without me, and can't let go until she does...which means that although I wouldn't give TSCC another thought throughout the day, our conversations are often entirely focused on TSCC, to the point that I think more about the church now than I ever did as a TBM (she’s been lurking on RfM for 2 years now – can’t help but talk to me about what she reads :)). She’s worried that if she resigns before me and my family finds out, they’ll blame her for my leaving the church if/when I finally resign (they would totally do that). Her family is never-mo, and my parents warned me that converts are “weaker in the faith than BIC kids”…she doesn't want them telling me “I told you so.”

Yet one of the biggest reasons neither of us has resigned yet is because we don't want my dad finding out. He's well in years and poor in health, and we don't want the news of our resignation to put him over the edge; possibly be the start of his passing. The church is his entire life, and it would devastate him if I left. So we're in a bit of a pickle: my wife desperately wants to leave and can't let go until she does. I don't feel the need to resign, nor do I care to validate their hold on me, but I'm willing to bite the bullet for my wife's sake. If I do, aside from word of mouth from acquaintances, is there a way for my dad to find out I've left the church? We live half a state away from him, so aside from the SP who knows my brother (he’s a family friend and the kind of person that when I sit down to talk with him and ask him not to say anything, he won’t), no one else has any kind of contact that would alert him. I heard somewhere that on the tithing settlement pages it lists your children who are still members. Is this true, and are there any other ways of finding out? (i.e. of the church violating my privacy in an attempt to “save my soul”?)

You can not trust a TBM to be discreet.

He will be told. You could make this issue very clear in your letter, and if they violate that, sue the pants off them.

but I resigned 7 1/2 years ago and as far as I can tell my elderly father hasn't found it.
We do live in different states.

My TBM sister knows I resigned because I told her.

It's probably different with every resignation....depending on who knows your family.

K

finding out. I really didn't want to make them any sadder about my leaving than they already were.

But there came a point in my life when I really needed that closure. And I decided that I was not responsible for THEIR emotional reaction. They are your PARENTS, not your kids. You don't need to protect them from reality. You and your wife have EVERY RIGHT to quit a religion you no longer believe in. If they have a problem, they can deal with it.

BTW, I had a cool bishop, I don't think my parents ever found out about the resignation. Or at least they never said anything.

If she was first out between the 2 of you, wasn't she at least a slight reason for you to start questioning anyway? She should be proud that she helped you.

Old people don't die because their kids disappoint them. My parents would have died a long time ago.

I can't give alot of comment as to whether or not your dad would find out or not. From my point of view spouses are way, way, way more important than parents are. I feel that I owe my mon (don't have a relationship with my dad) nothing in comparison to what I owe my wife. If I were in the situation you described I would resign to put my wife at ease and let the chips fall where they may with the rest of my family. But thats me.

Just my opinion but...

Your wife's thoughts and feelings are more important than your Fathers, so you should give priority to her.

Thankfully (to some) the church no longer reads out the names of people who have been exed or left the church over the pulpit. (they did do it a few decades ago). These days the church is pretty good about keeping things private and it is unlikely your father would find out via church bureaucratic channels. What is more likely would be an acquaintance or relative slipping their tongue, which I'm surprised hasn't happened yet if you've been inactive all this time.