One of my best friends from BYU found out several days ago that her older brother, who she adores, committed suicide. His funeral is today. I wish I could think of something to say or do. Anyone??



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/19/2014 11:45AM by CA girl.

Nothing more than be compassionate and tell them how sorry you are. Ask if they need anything. Maybe get a card and some flowers. There are really no more expectations than that.

and if you are still friends in five years or so when everyone else has forgotten make a point of saying you still remember her brother and think about him

This is so important. People never "get over" true grief. Eventually, even something as traumatic as this gets integrated into a life experience, but she'll likely always grieve her brother. A true friend will be a sympathetic ear on his birthday, the anniversary of his death, or anytime she needs someone to listen.

Call and talk to her letting her know you are so sorry for her loss. Then send a nice card and some flowers.

Suicide is not like anything else. You can't sleep, you can't stand not to sleep. You can't stand to be at work, you can't stand not to be a work. You need to be around those you love and you desperately need to be alone. Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing has ever hit harder.

Nothing you can say or do helps, except for letting your friend know that you are there for her no matter what--to listen, to mop the floor, stay or go, hold them, leave them alone, and to care always.

Also, when some time has passed it is beautiful to let your friend know that you remember the brother, you remember what a beautiful person he was, and he is not forgotten. Sometimes people don't know what to do and so do nothing (I'm often guilty) but this type of loss needs to be remembered like all others, never swept under the rug or put out of sight. Always remember the good times.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/19/2014 12:43PM by blueorchid.

Yes but he had been struggling in recent years with a diagnosed mental illness that was overwhelming to him.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/19/2014 03:13PM by CA girl.

Just be there for her. Hug her, let her cry on your shoulder. Offer it for her after the funeral, and tell her if she needs to talk, you'll listen.

This.

A comforting presence is always more effective. Leave the words to grief counselors.

Genuine heart-felt sympathy goes a long way. When you are in the depths of grief you can tell the people who really care vs. those who are going through the motions. Keep reaching out to her in case she needs to talk. After I lost my mom it was hard to find people who could listen to me with any depth of understanding. I guess most had not yet lost their parents and just didn't get it very well.

I just can't imagine. Suicide affects so many people.

I've never had to be in that situation, so can offer little more than be there for her. Even if it's just sitting by yourself down the hall waiting to give her a hug.

I have four close friends, and a niece, who each lost a loved one who took their own life The thing they do most is blame themselves feeling that, somehow, they could have prevented, or may have even caused this tragedy. They feel not only an indescribable loss, they may also feel intense guilt. They will still move through the grieving process, however, depending on the circumstances, they may not be able to deal with the guilt they feel. Two of my friends are married and lost their son. They both needed extensive therapy, however, the husband, who found his son, and had been the last person to see and talk to him, carries the most guilt. He still struggles.

Many religious people consider suicide to be a sin. It is extremely important that this loss is not characterized this way. My niece and her very TBM family seem to have written off her late husband as a sinner and as someone who may yet be saved if he repents in the hereafter. These TBM relatives are the lowest, most contemptible people I know.

As many have stated here, help your friend as much you can, and for as long as it takes, through their grieving process. Just be a true friend.



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 07/19/2014 01:39PM by braindead.

Thank you everybody. I will definitely listen to your suggestions. I really, really appreciate your help. I've had people I'm close to lose family members but not to suicide, although I do have a few acquaintances who've gone through this. So I really wasn't sure what my friend's needs are. All your feedback helps so much - my friend is just devastated and I'm really feeling sad for her.

I think that people rarely know what to say when a friend loses a loved one, especially to suicide, so they stay silent for fear of saying the wrong thing. Sometimes just acknowledging their loss and saying that you're aching for them and wish you knew what would help is enough for now.

Also, I recommend sending a nice message at this time next year letting her know that you're thinking about her. The first anniversary of a death is hard.