I am so tired of repeating this cycle every time a family member discover's we resigned form tscc.

1. They respond in writing or calling to let us know how disappointed they are with us. How wrong we are. How we are destroying our lives and our kids. And that we are going to Hell. etc. etc.

2. We defend our selves and the reasons why we left.

3. They respond with all the bom scriptures that mormonism is the true church, adding their testimonies and personal experiences testifying of the truthfulness of the gospel.

4. They believe that there is something they can tell us, that WE haven't already considered. Even though everything they say, preach, or testify of was all considered before we reached our final conclusion to leave.

5. They withdrawal themselves from us and say that "WE" are placing a wedge between us.

This cycle is so exhausting and seems never ending.
In the end neither party has said anything to persuade the other. I feel like it is better to not respond at all. But maybe that is just prolonging the inevitable.

Mormons are so conditioned to react this way, I'm sure anyone in my position has experienced this cycle themselves. Maybe even have advice to share that has worked for you in dealing with this shit.

We get it from both sides of the family and I'm worn out.

My Dad and Step Mom have been the latest to write us, upon hearing news we left. I have no energy to repeat this cycle. I don't want to respond. I know exactly the way it will go.

Please don't suggest writing a letter to all family members why we left, because for every letter that went out we'd get a hundred more that would just repeat that same cycle. They would just send us more church literature.

Often in life no response is the best response. Let mystery work for you. I swear by it.

You don't owe anyone an explanation and no matter how you frame any explanation you give it will fall on Mormon ears which is worse than no ears at all.

+1

Yes, the key is MYSTERY. They will fill in the blanks themselves. Their explanation will be a lot more dramatic than reality. It will drive them NUTS that you refuse to engage.

You will seem mysterious and elusive...

Who doesn't want to seem mysterious and elusive?

Don't bother reading it through, just enough to know if it's a lecture, then respond with "LOL" or copy and paste the 11th article of faith. Ignoring is probably the easiest.

I wouldn't bother trying to explain. I would just tell them not to take your decision personally.

I would just end the discussion by saying, "Arguing about this is pointless. We just keep going around in circles. At this point we're going to have to agree to disagree."

If they keep at it, just say, "No, I'm not reading that. I told you that I'm not discussing this with you anymore. I'd rather hear how things are going with you."

If they still push, then you're quite justified in saying, "If you can't let this drop, then we're going to end up not even talking at all. Is that really what you want?"

Awesome advice!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I love each suggestion and wish this site had a "like" button so I could like each individual response!

If you feel you must say something, I would only say, "A person's spiritual beliefs are a personal and private matter."

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're getting worn out by the constant intrusions in what is a very personal and private decision.

It might be best not to engage. If you decide to have contact then keep it to topics that you're willing to discuss eg., kids, birthdays etc.. By not acknowledging the church stuff, you're essentially creating a boundary.

I don't understand the idea of sending a letter to everyone you know regarding leaving Mormonism, UNLESS it's something you truly feel you want to do. You don't owe every Mormon you know, an explanation. You wouldn't send every family member a letter explaining why you and your spouse have decided to,(say as an example),have a baby. Nor would you explain the details as to how and why you came to that decision, and then invite all of them to ask you questions regarding the details of that decision. Mormonism creates these strange relationships where extremely personal and often private decisions become subjects for public debate.

Good luck. :-) (Sending good vibes)

Very little of what humans do is based on reason.

The underlying motive is our survival instincts. A strong instinct is to belong to some group for support and strength.

They cling to the church for support, which increases their ability to survive. When somebody leaves, they feel the group is threatened, and therefore their survival is threatened. That is why they have to lash out and make arguments, even if they don't make sense. It is based on fear and emotion, just like a cornered dog.

So yes, reasoning is a waste of time.

And by the way, one thing we learn in church is you have to be right. Actually, you don't. You just have to do what you enjoy, and not hurt others, and let them do what they enjoy.

It makes people feel better if they can say they are the only right way, and everyone else is wrong. Makes you feel special and a stronger bond to the group.

So it is scary to possibly think there is a chance that your group is wrong.

Unfortunately, I see exmos retain the notion that they have to be right, and they have to convert TBMs to exmoism.

When my stake president learned I had issues he asked me if I had any questions for him, I told him no, and I repeated no when he kept asking. I had no desire to tell him anything. It annoyed him greatly, which was very satisfying. You don't have to explain anything to anyone, they most likely won't believe you anyway.

Dear Dad and Stepmom,
The responses have already been given to everyone you know. I'm sure we don't have anything to add to what you have already heard. much love, lorenzo's ho.

lol' ;)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 09:16AM by Lorenzo's Ho.

send all of them the ces letter

I believe they testify just to make themselves feel better. They think it's helping you, but really they just feel threatened by your declaration of independence, and need to feel steadied in their belief.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2014 10:10PM by alyssum.

I agree. It's like they are trying to convince themselves.

What's sad is that all they want to concentrate on is what you don't have in common, rather than focusing in on the things that you do.

I tried telling a TBM friend that, but she just couldn't get past the idea of me being an ex-Mormon. She couldn't do it. All she could do was walk away from a 30-year friendship.

"All she could do was walk away from a 30-year friendship."

I am so sorry. Her behavior is unconscionable.

It seems to be the only thing that has worked for me. It does drive them nuts.

Responding to them all, even using a saved section of boiler plate so you minimise the work or posting the ces letter might be mentally draining for you but it isn't wasted. It will load their shelf and might end up being the best thing you could do in the long run.

You have a near captive audience. They want to know. They'll discuss it. That won't stop just because you do nothing. By contrast if you were evangelical about it the might shut up pretty quick. Some may learn the truth.

It's up to you to choose your path, but in this pain might be the chance to create a spark that sets people free.

We need to work it out with minor children and spouse but no one else.

It's probably counter productive and hurtful to try to explain or give reasons to anyone else.

Brainwashed people won't be able to process what you say in a normal way. That's the definition of mind controlled.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 08:39AM by Cheryl.

I am going through another form of this with my sisters who are much older than me. They won't discuss religion with me but share their gossiping sessions where my loss of faith is the topic, and most recently labeled me a lost soul. They both have married young, raised large families while being SAHMs, and have suffered incredible losses. They are clinging to the concept of eternal families with all their might. And I wouldn't take that away from them for anything. They have ventured into that land of indoctrination and blindness and couldn't find their way out if they had a map and guide. My life has been quite different as I went to college, "served" a full-time mission, DH and I raised three children while we both worked full time, held multiple church callings and the kids grew up to become responsible adults. I have to accept that our once close relationship has ended, that my viewpoint will never be sought, and my life will be viewed with suspicion. I've determined to share my joys with them (about to become a grandmother for the first time) and when religion comes up, I will change the topic or get off the phone. Maybe say, "I'm sure you wish me a wonderful life lived authentically" or something to that effect but maybe not even that. I still love them but there is nothing I am able to do to help them understand my reasons for leaving the church.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 08:24AM by iris.

Allegory:

When I was in college, I hated that I was a grown adult (in age, LOL) but my parents still treated me very patronizingly. (Note: My mother is still the master of infantilization.) I would get so angry and frustrated with them. It wasn't like they were paying all my bills. (Some, but I was putting myself through college for the most part.)

Then I realized that I was looking to them for approval on all my decisions. I'd run every single little thing by them, as if I was afraid to stand on my own two feet and just be responsible for my choices. So I stopped looking to them for approval. Instead of asking what I should do and telling them what I thought my choices were, I just started announcing the decisions. "I'm moving to Florida after Christmas." Boom. No discussion, no pleading, no coercion. Just. My decision. Period.

And BOOM. They started treating me like an adult and respecting my decisions.

Now, it's not gonna go that way with your TBM family members because mormons are emotionally and developmentally stunted. Read again the first paragraph of the OP. Nobody IRL does that if they aren't mormon. Who the FUCK actually writes someone a letter with the specific intent of telling them the religion they have chosen (or not) is WRONG? Who the hell are these people to tell you what's right for you?

Well, the problem is your boundaries, not these assholes you're related to. Nobody has any right to tell you what you should do about your religion, or lack thereof if that is the case. That's YOUR business. But you make it their business when you engage and answer the questions. STAHP. Just stop it.

When you get those judgey emails, ignore them. Or just send the 11th Article of Faith and no further comment. Face to face conversations, if people aren't too passive-aggressive to actually say what they mean up front, are easy: you just give them a "I can't believe you said that" stare and maybe even say, "OMG, I'm so embarrassed for you. I can't believe you said that."

Whatever you do, do not justify or explain. Your choices are your business and your responsibility and none of those people have to live with them. When you realize they are poking their noses in on things that are none of their business, it's a lot easier to set firmer boundaries.

Love it!

The best response is to enjoy life.

Very true!

That's excellent, dogzilla. You're right.

That's how I stopped my mother from criticizing me. I simply wouldn't allow it anymore and she actually respects me now, where she never did when I was younger.

I didn't know that being treated as an adult meant acting like one, as opposed to still acting like their young daughter.

It's sort of, "Yeah, I'm an adult. Deal with it."

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I love each suggestion and wish this site had a "like" button so I could like each individual response!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 09:14AM by Lorenzo's Ho.

Dear Dad and Plural Wife,

We have decided to leave the Brighamites because we are lazy, desired to sin, deeply offended by all the judgmental attitudes, and never had a testimony to begin with. Any questions?