Posted by:
nonsequiter
(
)
Date: July 24, 2014 12:35AM
One of the great benefits of growing up as a teenager in the mormon church is that years later you get to have the fun of randomly remembering slightly traumatic youth activities.
I think generally my church leaders tried very hard… for better or worse.
I wanted to start a thread about odd youth activities, but I suppose general ward (weird?) activities also count.
Here is mine:
Dating is awkward right? I mean no one really knows what they are doing the first time on a date. Heaven forbid you say the wrong thing, or smell bad… the solution? A Mass “First” Date for the Laurels/Priests in my Stake, disguised as “Etiquette Training”! Brilliant!
I walked towards the doors of the great and spacious Stake Center. I had just climbed out of my mother’s mini van, I ignored her as she waved and peeled out of the parking lot.
Opening the doors, I could hear the church organ playing one of the many tired out hymns. A man wearing a suit and a scowl directed me towards the chapel. I obeyed and quickly found a seat. As the room filled and the special mixture of warmth, stink, and dull tones that only a mormon chapel can create, began to lull my brain into a weakened state, I realized that everyone else had dressed as if attending a church meeting. A simple mistake really, given the affinity any event at the church has towards a somber sacrament service. Still, I felt suddenly uncomfortable in my comfortable jeans and t-shirt.
After everyone had become bored and desensitized enough, the activity began! with an opening hymn and prayer. After the rituals were done with, the leaders felt it was time for the fun.
We had a speaker.
An older man from the Stake Young Men’s Presidency (a kind of embodied oxymoron) began his tirade. He spoke on how terribly wicked the world was. How we live in a world where no one cares about important things, decent things, moral things...how kids these days just don’t know how the hell to behave.
My peers and I all sat quietly as he continued to berate us for letting the world get that way.
We weren’t to be worried though. Because we had the gospel! and we were gathered that night to learn and be edified. We were going to be indoctrinated on proper social etiquette at last!
There was going to be two parts. A class and a practical examination. We were all simply thrilled with the prospect of enduring an evening of half-assed etiquette school after full day of real school.
The girls were all asked to relocate to the Relief Society room. The young men would stay in the chapel. The reasoning was logical. Our hormone crazed bodies were already beginning to visibly vibrate with all the repressed sexual tension that sprung from being in such close proximity with each other, how could anyone be brainwashed, properly, in such a setting? Personally, I had stopped paying any attention at all, the fumes had gotten to my head, I was dazed and confused. I stood up, a little unsteady on my feet, and intended to follow on of my close friends out of the chapel.
I was greeted with laughter and disdain. “You’re not a girl!” one young man called out and everyone laughed more. A scowling priesthood holder grabbed my arm and led me back to my seat.
Once the females had been evacuated from our presence, we could begin the delightful etiquette training class. We heard many speakers. The following is a summary of what we learned.
1. Honour your priesthood.
2. You are the man in the relationship.
3. Respect your priesthood.
4. It’s your duty to spiritually lead your family.
5. The priesthood qualifies you for leadership.
6. The salad fork is on the left.
For those of you inept at etiquette, you can thank me for a prime example of mormon etiquette training… unless you are a woman, then I am not very sure how it works.
We found our female counterparts in the gym afterwards. They were all wearing one shoe each and a big pile of shoes were located in the center. We were instructed to go and pick up a shoe and find the owner… like how it happened in Cinderella.
Each young man quickly scanned the young womans’ feet, hoping to snag a decent shoe. Each young woman stood nervously by, hoping someone weird didn’t find their shoe (Not very good odds there). Like the strange guy who chose his shoe based on how it smelled. I grabbed one at random because all the young woman in my stake looked and acted the same.
One shoe was leftover as there was an uneven number present… that girl ot partnered with som lecherous old bishop.
My “partner” was blond and all smiles. When I saw her I said, jokingly, “Oh you didn’t dress up either, that’s funny!”
She didn’t think it was very funny.
So the practical portion commenced and we were shown to our tables and told that we were all on our “First Dates”.
What followed was a mass of awkward and contrived conversation, many accusatory stares from the plethora of adult chaperones (who were visibly worried that some youth might mistakenly believe this was an actual date) and a dinner of stale,cold Stouffer’s lasagna.
I remember looking across the room more than once. There was a guy in my seminary class that I had a crush on. I wished I could have been his date. But as I was so subtly reminded, “I am not a girl” and two men who love each other is exactly the type of evil this whole charade was aimed at preventing.
At the end we were given forms to “rate” each other on the etiquette we exhibited. I rated my partner all tens because I am nice like that and I went home, never to think about that night until just now.
So what are some of your strange activity experiences?