I get the fact that some men seek a trophy wife to show off to everyone, but could the same be true for Mormon women? The difference obviously is that men seeking the trophy is basing it on looks, but are the Mormon women basing it on the man's outward appearance of obedience and spirituality?

I personally have experienced this in my own marriage. My DW cries during every sacrament talk. She gets starry eyed and beaming when the men in leadership callings stand up and spout out about how amazing they are spiritually. Usually the man that can cry at will during his talk gets the most points. I've had many a leadership callings and in my TBM days I knew that if I could get my talk to resonate with the women, my wife would be so proud of me. Now that I don't believe anymore, I am an embarrassment to my DW and she can't even bring herself to spend any time with me. It is all devoted to rearing the kids in the kingdom. Having any kind of emotional relationship is a lost cause unless I am willing to put off the natural man and return to the fold. I thought love was about the person, not their personal beliefs. Trophy husband - I guess I had a good run.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2014 09:33PM by dodgeawrench.

I agree with everything you said. Also money. If a TBM womans husband is Mr. "Spiritual" and has a prestigious lucrative career, then they are basically royalty in their ward/stake.

It's a strange subculture indeed. The crying at the podium made me squirm as a kid in the pews. I cried when my parents beat me. I didn't understand why an adult would cry so much with no one beating on him or her. These people wanted to be in the meeting, I didn't. Yet they were the ones blubbering. I knew something was terribly wrong. Mormon adults seemed to be incredibly unhappy. They spoke of joy while honking and snorting into hankies. They seemed unstable to me. Bad times, I must say.

Uh....yeah. Sad but true.

Dodgeawrench:

It's really interesting to hear a guys point of view. I went to college at Utah State and saw this kind of mentality all the time. Guys wanted trophy wives-for their perfect appearance, didn't really matter how "spiritual" they were. Woman wanted the "Righteous" priesthood holder, RM-especially one who went somewhere foreign and knew another language... with a good calling, majoring in business or pre-med. Any guy who was slightly attractive and had all those qualities-he had his pick of practically any girl on campus. Anyway, I also understand what your wife is going through. My husband left the church before me and it was really hard-for me though it was mostly because I thought that our eternal marriage was over. It's also like a social status thing-If your spouse isn't active, it's like you're lower class. People treat you differently and everyone feels sorry for you and your family. Anyway, i'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm sorry for your wife too. What a cult.

I'm a former Aggie as well 1996 -2000.

good-looking, intelligent, filthy rich, and from high-nobility-level Mormon stock.

Whatever works for them.

I've never seen so many mismatched couples as in the Mormon world. I could tell you some crazy stories.

Overheard:

"He married her for a trophy wife . . . evidently she didn't get
first place."

I picked my wife cause she could chop wood and had the tongue of a trout. Trophy in my book.

Yep, it goes both ways. Besides discovering the church is all fantasy, you also learn that marriage is too.

People think their spouse truly loves them. At least until they have career problems and lower income, and have problems at church.

Yep, when somebody tells you they love you, they mean they want something from you. Either a paycheck, or sex, or status or whatever. It ain't about you personally.

I'm not necessarily against each of us pursuing our own interests, but it would be nice if we would be more honest about it, and spell things out in the marriage ceremony.

But we want fantasy land, don't we.

So you:

Were involved in a fraudulent religion, so all religion is evil.
Had a dysfunctional marriage, so all marriages are pathological self-seeking.
Lost money in an investment, so savings, stocks, bonds, and mutual funds are all rigged against you.
Had a lousy job with a crummy boss, so employment is best avoided.
Bought a blender which didn't work, so all kitchen appliances are junk.

Amen to that. When I left my wife suddenly acted like we'd never shared a connection with each other (after 7 relatively great years of marriage). We've been separated for about 8 months and I'm still having a difficult time dealing with her sudden turnaround. It makes me feel like those 7 years only occurred in my imagination. They were the best 7 years of my life and now she's thrown them away like a used tissue. Extremely difficult not to break down and wonder how in the world I'll ever distinguish real love and meaning from superficial meaning.

I really can't describe how painful it is to realize it was all a show. I was ultimately just a priesthood holder who made her look good to her family/friends and boosted her self-esteem (which was incredibly low thanks to the church). I wasn't a human being who had feelings, thoughts, cares and concerns. I was a piece of the puzzle of what she was taught she should want in life. I wasn't perfect, but if she truly loved me she would've fought a LOT harder than she did (which was barely at all). W/o the priesthood and a belief in the church I'm disposable meat.

20 years for me and she trusts men she hardly knows to tell her what is best for her vs. Me the man that knows her better than anyone else on the earth. She won't listen to me, I'm in Satans grasp. So sad to watch good love go bad......mine. Or perhaps it was never good/real love to begin with. Maybe I was dillusional all these years as well. My journey of leaving the church started 1 year ago, it accelerated 6 months ago. During the process I couldn't understand why so many had so much anger towards JS. Now I understand!

dodgeawrench Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> 20 years for me and she trusts men she hardly
> knows to tell her what is best for her vs. Me the
> man that knows her better than anyone else on the
> earth. She won't listen to me, I'm in Satans
> grasp.
^^^ Bingo! It sounds like we're living the same life. It's spiritual adultry.

Her devotion and affection is for the Church leadership. She has nothing but vitriol and contempt for the man that provides for her every need.

Physical polygamy may be a thing of the past but spiritual polygamy is alive and well.

1) There is no objective meaning. Meaning is a human construct and inherently subjective. Today's "real love" is tomorrow's "superficial relationship." And vice versa. The reason you can't tell the difference is there is no difference.

2) Long term happiness is primarily a result of self-actualization, not of relationships with other people. Not that relationships with other people aren't valuable or interesting, or fun, or even fulfilling. And not that you should treat others poorly.

Seeking a trophy husband is a carryover from the early church. Women with husbands were openly encouraged to seek to be sealed to a man with a higher priesthood. Even men were sealed as eternal sons to other men who held a higher priesthood. The belief being that their position in the celestial kingdom would be greater than what the could otherwise obtain on their own.

A few years after my father died my mother married a man who was a Stake Patriarch. My father was a high priest but he never held a prestigous calling. My mother honestly believes that she has married up. Even though she has been sealed to my father she believes that she doesn't have to choose him in heaven. She would rather be the second wife of the Patriarch because, in her mind, he is a more righteous man with a higher priesthood. And that can only mean a better eternal position for her.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2014 03:44AM by braindead.

Disposable people.

People act all shocked when they hear of a person abusing and/or neglecting an animal... but fact is if they treat other people like something to be used and discarded, why wouldn't they treat animals even worse... don't get me started on children.

Hey exldsdudeinslc...I hear ya

I am totally dealing with this right now myself.

My wife and I have a good weekend, things are going great. She goes to church and comes home and is all upset and saying that she doesn't fit into mormonism because of our situation.

I am not the Trophy Spiritual Husband.

I think part of what drives this is that women have very little status on their own in the church. They have to get it through their husbands. We all know who the bishops wife is, but what about the RS presidents husband?

Rebecca Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think part of what drives this is that women
> have very little status on their own in the
> church. They have to get it through their
> husbands. We all know who the bishops wife is, but
> what about the RS presidents husband?


You've hit the nail right on the head there, that's exactly the problem!

Dear Dodge,
As a former Trophy Wife, I get the pain you are going thru that you realize your wife married an "ideal" and not really you. I used to tell my ex TBM spouse that really ANYONE could have my job, as long as they wore the uniform.

I took off the uniform and the criticism advanced and abuse started.

Where once I was that "Beautiful, Sweet-Spirited, Gentle Sister" I became worn out with my husband's constant NEED and demand to play the role of happy home-maker with no expectation of him being a good husband.

When my ex started avoiding me and mistreating me when I left Mormonism, I was heartbroken and sobbing in tears. I just blurted out one day "Why do you treat me this way now? I didn't do anything to deserve this!"

He said "You left the church. You do not deserve my kindness anymore. You aren't worth it."

I can recall the "pride" you speak of in one's spouse in the LDS environment. Bearing your testimony to get a reaction out of the audience isn't bearing anything! It is performing.
Bearing your testimony essentially means Sharing your WITNESS to an experience.

I have seen people praise THEMSELVES, their church (in a vague manner) and their lives...and I have wondered...WHO are they trying to convince here? Themselves? Others?

My advice to you, is do NOT allow your WIFE to determine your worth in your OWN LIFE! If she chooses not to participate in the marriage, that is her accountability. You ARE worth being treated kindly.

I would ask her "Even without Mormonism, can you see who I am?"
Ask her WHY she is so mad and dismissive.

RMM

"I get the pain you are going thru that you realize your wife married an "ideal" and not really you."

RMM - It's like you read my mind. I have said this numerous times. She wants an "ideal" not a person. As long as I am this "ideal" she is willing to express some love. Now that I am not the "ideal", I don't exist! Thank you for sharing. Your insight and advice is extremely valuable!

To an extent I guess. I bet some of the wives of GAs are loving life right now. They get to travel the world, not have any financial difficulties, be borderline worshipped by everybody they come across (since they're around mormons 99% of the time), they have a good social life and they know all the other important people and they know what's going on behind the scenes. It's basically the life of a celebrity's girlfriend, except in the mormon world.

This is never more true than when you watch young adults on the prowl for a spouse. Girls are taught to marry an RM - any RM - that honors his priesthood and can take them to the temple. They don't look at the individual. They look at the resume and qualifications, as if they are hiring someone to do a job. And maybe they are. Men do the same. They feel that they worked hard and were faithful on their missions so they are entitled to the first young, skinny blonde thing they find. And they are pretty horny after two years of self-denial and many more years of not really interacting with the opposite sex. When we started attending another church, my teenage daughter was shocked at how the youth all meet together, go to camp together, hang out together. She has a lot better guy friends now that she isn't scared of them as a constant temptation but sees them as individuals.

Not seeing guys (or girls) as human beings with individual needs and wants and personalities goes all the way back to YM/YW. The kids are kept separate for the most part, learn to fear the opposite sex because they are a temptation that will lead them away from God. In my teenage son's friend group, most of the girls can't date a guy more than once in a row so they get around it by "swapping" with other guys in the group. So if Mattie is dating Mike, she'd go out with him once, then out with my son, then out with Mike again, then out with Kevin, then out with Mike again. My son and Kevin are just a means to an end, not thought of a human beings who might have their feelings hurt by being used to get to Mike (although my son was happy to play along in this case because he isn't interested in Mattie so he took her out to help her and Mike.) It's like teen wife swapping.

I've always said that Mormons are taught to live roles in their own personal passion play to get back to God. People aren't seen as equals but as actors or actresses to fill roles. When they are no longer performing their role to the satisfaction of the director, it's time for them to be replaced. It's all about the performance, not the individuals involved and putting on a show rules. The OP's wife wasn't so much looking for a trophy husband as an award winning actor to make her show a success. When he went off script, it was time to sack him and find someone who would do the job he was "hired" to do. His feelings are not the "director's" problem. Show up at work, do the job, leave your personality at home. That's how a lot of TBMs roll. And that chronic insensitivity to others is one of the most damning things about Mormonism.

CA girl Wrote:


> I've always said that Mormons are taught to live
> roles in their own personal passion play to get
> back to God. People aren't seen as equals but as
> actors or actresses to fill roles. When they are
> no longer performing their role to the
> satisfaction of the director, it's time for them
> to be replaced. It's all about the performance,
> not the individuals involved and putting on a show
> rules. The OP's wife wasn't so much looking for a
> trophy husband as an award winning actor to make
> her show a success. When he went off script, it
> was time to sack him and find someone who would do
> the job he was "hired" to do. His feelings are
> not the "director's" problem. Show up at work, do
> the job, leave your personality at home. That's
> how a lot of TBMs roll. And that chronic
> insensitivity to others is one of the most damning
> things about Mormonism.

That is a superb metaphor, CAGirl. If drama critics performed live, I'd give you a standing "0!"

Women seeking trophy husbands is common everywhere. It's just that outside Mormonism it's usually about money and social status. It's part of why men are able to get trophy wives. He wants a babe and she wants to live well. Perfect symbiotic relationship.

Hey dodge, I never thought of a trophy husband until you stated it. The title is perfect, in a sad way. In my situation, I married a Mormon trophy husband and he married me as a Mormon trophy wife. When we both left the church, we changed so much in different ways, and realized we'd both married each other for superficial Mormon reasons and appearances. We had nothing in common except an immense love for our two children, so we eventually divorced, amicably, five years later (after couples and individual therapy - for both of us).

I'm really sorry that your wife is still entrenched and that she thinks you aren't as worthy as you are. My thoughts go out to you.

During my time in SLC, I lived near Dallin Oaks. His new wife couldn't have been more proud of her trophy husband. She would drive up the road and damn near break her arm enthusiastically waving to members of her ward like she was in a parade. There were a number of ex-mos and never mos on the same street. The bitch would act like she didn't see them as she drove on by.