I'm a constant lurker and occasional poster, but I'm not sure I've ever started a post before.

I'll be heading out to Utah next month for my daughter's temple wedding. I will be the lone parent from both families sitting outside during the wedding.

I thought I had been doing ok, but lately I've been a bit alarmed at how much anxiety and depression I've been experiencing as the date nears. I know exactly what will happen and be said at the wedding, so I know that part is no big deal; it's the being left out and publically spotlighted as a 'sinner' that has me pissed. I've really been feeling a lot of ANGER toward TSCC lately because of this ostracizing policy.

Also, it will be my forced "coming out" since all of my siblings and parents and in-laws don't know of my apostasy. I've managed to go 5 years of non-attendance without it ever directly being addressed (I live far away from them), and I've been just fine leaving it like that.

I'm needing some advice and hopefully some reassurance from those that have gone through the same situation. How did you manage? Thanks.

I will also be the only parent excluded from my daughter's temple wedding next month. I agree -- it is a horrible and punishing policy -- the type of thing only a cult could dream of.

I am dealing with my exclusion o.k. because I know I am being genuine and making a principled stand. So, I respect myself and that is the most important thing to me. I also feel that I am leading the way for others who may eventually follow in my footsteps.

B,

I feel your pain! After exiting Mormonism, I knew that my children would probably serve missions and marry in the temple. I also put my own parents in this situation much to my shame.

The VERY best advice I received was--be there for the wedding! The actual ceremony may take a hour or so, but be there for your daughter and son-in-law for the marriage.

Marriage is hard, and your children will respect you for your support by being on the temple ground. Express your love and support to them freely.

In time, your children may begin to question TSCC, but will be more open to talking with you if they know your love and support.

Very best wishes!

I just recently went through this when my dad baptized my 8 year old. I allowed it because my parents and DW parents were freaking out so much.

Don't apologize or in any way let them play you off as a sinner. Take any comment they throw at you and hit them with truth. I was proud to not be baptizing him into a cult and I will be resigning him within the week.

They try to play you as an unhappy sinner. Don't let it happen.

Always remember, It's them with the problem. Not you

In your shoes I would wait outside and enjoy the weather and the landscaping. I sure as heck wouldn't wait inside or do any babysitting (unless you really, really want to.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2014 08:43PM by summer.

Smile and be happy for their marriage not sad because you could not go in. Always remember, it is you that has the truth. They are the ones living in a fantasy world.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It isn't fair. (Hugs)

I have been through this with family weddings, but not as a parent of the bride or groom. I think that is more difficult. Still, how I handled it was to focus on the reception, that is where the fun happens and where the groom and bride are generally happiest as they're able to relax a bit.

As brucemalarky said, this is their stupid problem and it has nothing to do with your true worthiness, just the stupid made up rules.

Are there any nieces and nephews or grandchildren who are too young to attend the temple ceremony? You could spend some fun time with them outside the temple--that's what I did. It got very irreverent. :-)

(Edit) p.s. I didn't mean mandatory babysitting just fun with the young ones if that is something you enjoy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2014 08:42PM by sassypants.

Would say 'have a nice wedding, I won't be involved' because L-d$,inc says I am 'not worthy'.

Other nations have civil marriage and the temple thing after the fact. Much nicer way to do it so all the family can attend the real wedding and the secret crap is kept away from decent people.

I just went through this myself in may of this year. My last child, my youngest daughter didn't even invite me to the wedding. I was tossed out at the end of Nov 2013 for apostasy and a myriad of contrived accusations.

So you all you true blue mormons out there. I don't need a God or his so called disciples to separate me from my family. Satan does a pretty good job of that without your interference. If your God demands that I need to pay my way into his house then he is not God. If he has no problem separating families then he is not my God. He is no different than Satan.

You people (LDS) are sick in the head for ruining families and separating them from their children. I can never ever replace that moment of seeing my daughter marry the man she has given herself to. Never.

After stealing 30 years from my life, I hope that the ripple effect of my departure as a bishop will resonate in the hearts of hundreds, if not thousands to lead them away from the deception of the LDS church.

As a nevermo, this is one of those things that is hard to imagine. If I couldn't attend the ceremony, I couldn't imagine going to the temple and waiting around outside for them to come out for pictures afterwards. There is just no way I could do that, I would say that was all on them, not me. But my kid wasn't raised as a Mormon by me, so I know how complicated this all gets.

This is part of the nightmare that I feel most bad about.

I hope you get through this okay and I hope you can have a genuiine relationship with your child and her family in the future.

I won't do it. I've already told my kids not to include me in their plans. I prefer to "sit it out" at home and catch up with them some time later.

Thanks so much for the replies so far. Being able to commiserate with others that can understand my situation is priceless.

I've decided to put on a happy face and try to make it as good of a day as possible for my daughter. Inside I'm churning, though. I really hate the church right now, and this is the only place I'm safe to share that.

Please come back whenever necessary as you go through the ups and downs of the marriage process!

My daughter was married in the winter so waiting outside was not an option, neither was waiting inside. I arrived at the temple in time for pictures. My extended family did not know I would not be in the temple, awkward..... but nobody asked me any questions, still haven't and that was over three years ago.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2014 10:03PM by cynthia.

youngsters who grow up attending weddings of friends, relatives, neighbors, etc.... Have a better, grounded image of (what should be) an open, welcoming ceremony.

Family continuity is MUCH MORE than a ceremony, even one with silly costumes, reciting impersonal 'vows'. It begins with, or at least Includes PERSONAL Loyalty, which the Corp. undercuts.


Mormon practice, as things Really Are(tm) dilutes the values they give lip-service to, namely family continuity.

I was thinking how many weddings have young children as flower girl or ring bearer. Not a temple wedding. How sad that mormon children don't participate or attend, or even know that it's weird not to.

Even as a true believing Mormon I always knew I'd do a conventional wedding and take the year long wait punishment just so I could include everyone. Even if we both died the work would be done for us anyway.

I remember when my bil was married in the temple and I was outside with my son. I am a nevermo but it hit my harder than expected not seeing the wedding and watching other siblings of my dh suffer not being able to be part of the wedding. The best man was not even included. I felt that if you don't have a wedding and say your vows in front if your family and friends, it is not really a wedding. I had a hard time believing they were married and it made me as well as others waiting sad when it should be a joyous occasion.

only show for the reception, but that is a decision you need to make for yourself.

I feel so sorry for all of you who have been so cruelly pushed out of your children's lives. It isn't fair and it isn't right.

The problem is that most people in America don't know this is going on. ALL OF YOU need to write about the exclusion experience and make it available to the widest possible audience. And I don't mean this board--I mean blogs, print magazines, maybe even TV stations. What better than to have a TV reporter talking to you as you stand outside a beautiful temple while your child is inside being married? It would be devastating to the "family church", and totally deserved.

So please take your pain and use it to uncover this nasty little secret the church hopes nobody knows about. Let everyone know.

Oh, one more thing. . . I hope none of you are making financial contributions to those weddings you can't attend.

puffthedragon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I feel so sorry for all of you who have been so
> cruelly pushed out of your children's lives. It
> isn't fair and it isn't right.
>
> The problem is that most people in America don't
> know this is going on. ALL OF YOU need to write
> about the exclusion experience and make it
> available to the widest possible audience. And I
> don't mean this board--I mean blogs, print
> magazines, maybe even TV stations. What better
> than to have a TV reporter talking to you as you
> stand outside a beautiful temple while your child
> is inside being married? It would be devastating
> to the "family church", and totally deserved.
>
> So please take your pain and use it to uncover
> this nasty little secret the church hopes nobody
> knows about. Let everyone know.
>
> Oh, one more thing. . . I hope none of you are
> making financial contributions to those weddings
> you can't attend.

And also make it clear that this only happens in the U.S. not in Europe. It's a punishment here but in Europe the marriage is a civil one so they can get the temple sealing the next day.

My Girlfriend Related this Story to me ...

After Earning her Temple Recommend, she Nevertheless Spent her First Time at The Boston Temple, in The Non-Mormon Waiting Room ...

Why, she didn't Want The Mother of The Bride, to Sit there All Alone!

BTW, it was Difficult for her to Believe that The Other Temples, Force Non-Mormons to Wait Outside ...

Is that Something Peculiar to The Boston Temple, a Local Ordinance or Some Such?

I went through this earlier this month. What you're experiencing is normal for the situation. I experienced the same feelings of anxiety (what are people going to say? how will they treat me? do I even want to go?) and depression.

My advice is to come up with a plan that you are comfortable with and take some of the control back. You don't get a say about where they are getting married or how they treat you, but you are in control of what you do and how you handle things.

For me, I was not going to take the churches consolation prize and sit in their holding pen, the waiting room of the temple, and be looked down on. I've had enough of that and the shunning. Instead, I went to a Starbucks with my other two children and had a coffee and relaxed. We went up to the temple grounds around the time the bride and groom would be coming outside.

I also thought through who might be there (relatives of each family that could go into the temple) and some of the things they may say to me. Then I thought about how I would handle these situations and have some responses ready. It relieved me of some of my anxiety.

The actual event was ok. I had lived enough of the depression ahead of time. I tried to be happy for my daughter.

People may say bad things. I found out later that the groom's father was upset me and my kids were on the temple grounds, asking the groom why we were there because we don't belong on their sacred temple grounds. Unbelievable. I was angry about this, but I realized I needed to let go, otherwise I'm allowing the church and self-righteous pricks like him control me.

Best of luck with this. You will make it through. Keep processing those feelings and leveraging people's help. It will do you good.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In the uk all weddings have to be public so anyone can come and object if they so wish (!!)

Weddings are held in the meeting house and usually receptions in the cultural hall and then people drive off. The weddings themselves are pretty dull compared to standard weddings - they have talks usually about worthiness which are vomit inducing and the receptions seem to be done on the cheap with bad food. My Nevermo husband thinks mormons don't like good food but I'm not sure if that's just my family!!

I've never attended the temple bit (or been asked to) and we've generally used it as an excuse to go to the pub! My Dad's had to stand outside for the temple ceremonies, I'm not sure exactly how he feels about it, he's already done the 'giving away' and the father of the bride speech so I presume it's not so bad. :/

When our oldest son got married, the father of the bride, though a member, was not permitted to attend because of some "worthiness" issue. Instead, the other "witness" besides myself, was the still-married boyfriend of the bride's mother! The bride's father was at the reception and I made sure I met him and he was in the reception line.

Fast forward to the wedding of our two youngest daughters. I had resigned and the older of the two was "sealed" in Rexberg and I was not even invited to go. The youngest was "sealed" in Nauvoo and I waited outside. I got the "Nauvoo flu" and after returning home had to be hospitalized. Everyone else got the flu, too. It was cold and windy.

Don't sit outside.

Go, see them into the Temple, arrange a time and place to meet them (not outside the temple) once the ceremony has finished, then leave and go somewhere else.

Honor her courage&commitment is any way you choose...for instance-at Viking weddings,the couple exchange bracelets&drink from one cup of wine...Jewish couples drink wine from one glass of red wine,then break the glass-signifies no one else may partake of this union....some even make something from broken pieces......and,Mazal Tov.

First was the worst with daughter's marriage. Old hat by third time.

I decided not to make a stink because the day was about the bride and groom not about me. I felt proud to be separate from the brainwashed zombies marching around their pretend kingdom, felt sorry for them but treated all with respect and cordially.

I suppressed my anger at the cult and anger towards myself for introducing my children (Born In Covenant) to the damn organization in the first place.

In the "big bang" of things it will all work out. Life is perfect but at times just feels all f**ked up. I've learned to be patient.

One of the hardest things I ever did was to be left out of my daughter’s wedding. I went to support her. I decided that I would be perceived to be an angry apostate if I did not attend at all. I wanted my daughter to realize the my support for her was there and someday she will see the exclusion for what it really was.

Like BYUboner I realized as I sat outside waiting for the party to exit the Temple the extreme difficulty my own mother must have gone through as she waited outside while I was married out of her sight for the simple reason justified in my mind at the time, that she did not understand and was not one of us in gods eyes.

Now I know why my mom hated the LDS church.

Full circle.

When our convert DD married in the temple, we opted to not wait outside or show up for pics. We did throw them a great reception because I wanted her to have memories of her special day that were happier than the weird temple ceremony.

Everyone in our family followed my example, that is we set aside our hurt, put smiles on our faces, and were as gracious as we could be. I'm sure the Mormons present hold us up as examples of excluded family that were okay with the exclusion (nothing could be further from the truth) .

While it still hurts deeply all these years later (i am weeping as I type this), it paid off. We have a positive, respectful relationship with both of them and I am a big part of their children's lives. That is still more important than proving I'm right about the fraud of TSCC.

We who have been through this are here to support you.

I like the Starbucks suggestion. I was fortunate to have another exmo with me at my sister's sealing this spring. We joked about drinking mimosas on the grounds while everyone else was inside.

As the day approached, I became more excited about actually having that mimosa. It was bit tricky, but we pulled it off.

I guess that may seem immature. At the time it just gave me something to look forward to. It became a challenge to partake without being caught and allowed me to have fun with that part of the day rather than feel excluded.

Good luck with the day! I hope you can make the most of the situation.

Again, thanks so much for all the responses. I'm floored by how many of you have personal experience with this same thing.
As I've said before, I think the biggest benefit of this board, for me, is helping me realize I'm not alone. You guys are great!

I was outside the temple (with the other sinners and younger family members) during my son's wedding a few years ago. It was not nearly as bad as I expected, my mom freaked out a bit, but everyone else seemed to not care. I was in all the post wedding temple ground photos just like everyone else, just as if I attended the quick 30 minute ceremony. Thinking about it beforehand was far more stressful than the actual event.

The receptions carried on as normal, I doubt anyone cared who was in the temple or not as the day went on.

It was no big deal after all, I kept a low profile and reminded myself and anyone who asked, that this is the bride and groom's day. Not mine.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2014 11:04AM by danboyle.

My nephew got married in June, and there was no way my husband and I were going to wait outside the temple. The wedding was in southern California, so we went to a nude beach instead and had a great time!

My Mom asked why we didn't go and I told her we weren't invited. She tried to tell me we were, so I asked her "So you're saying they're letting gay nonmormons in the temple now?" She couldn't answer that.

It would obviously been different if it were my own child.

I'll never do this, but what I'd really like to do is invite the whole family over for Thanksgiving one year, then make everyone with temple recommends wait on the front porch. After dinner we'd all go outside and take pictures together. Then I'd send everyone home.

My FIL sat outside for our sealing, his 3rd time doing so. I was so damn arrogant and self righteous about it at the time.

My dear niece found out the night before her sealing that her brother would not be attending, since he had gone inactive, as he is gay.

I am now inactive and could not answer the questions with the correct answers (unless I were to lie, and I will not do that). I can only hope my daughters escape a bit further prior to them getting married.

Why must this "church" that is supposed to be so family oriented do this to people?