My husband and I were both raised in tbm families. He stopped attending and believing in his teenage years.
A year ago, I was preparing to go through the temple by myself. I realized I needed a testimony of the restoration. After a few Google searches, going to the temple was the last thing I wanted to do!
My husband recently deployed, and I moved back to our home town. I finally told both sets of parents I don't believe anymore. My mother cried, and hasn't brought it up since. My in-laws, on the other hand, bring it up every chance they get. They get after me for not going to church, and incorporate mormon brainwash into their conversations with my 5 and 2 year old children. I usually don't say anything when they tell my kids things about the temple, or that my 5 year old shouldn't wear tank tops because they aren't modest. I don't know how to address their comments. Dealing with them from 4 states away was so much easier! Any advice is appreciated.

Smart grandparents, that want to keep seeing their grandkids will respect the children's parent wishes. They might be reminded of the fact.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2014 05:35AM by baneberry.

+1

Make sure your children get all the information and all the points of view as they grow. They need to see your reasoning and thought processes, not just your conclusions.

I have a niece who cut my parents off herself in her teen-age years because they would not stop the heavy handed indoctrination and they pushed her further away from the church. I don't have contact with her but am pretty sure she is exmo now. I know my parents haven't seen her for nearly a decade now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2014 10:58AM by blueorchid.

You are in a vulnerable position, and they are taking advantage of it. A woman alone, and with children, is often disrespected.

Be firm about their actions around the children. Also, have little age appropriate discussions with your children to deprogram them from the inlaws indoctrination. Kids understand more than we give them credit for.

Carol Wrote:
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> You are in a vulnerable position, and they are
> taking advantage of it.

That's what Mormons do best. It's sickening.

Hon, you are a mother. Think like a Mama Bear and protect them. It is better to offend the in-laws than it is to let them get their claws into your children.

Let your in-laws know that you're not comfortable with their constant nagging about the Church and that they're not to talk about it around your children. Otherwise, they just won't be allowed to visit.

If you have to yell, "These are MY children. You will respect that, or you'll lose visiting privileges."

They don't respect you right now already. It may cause tension, but at least you'll gain some respect if you don't let them browbeat you. You'll at least gain some self-respect.

And yes, definitely teach your children to think things out rationally. Ask them how rational it is to believe in something completely invisible, as though it is completely real.

Teach them some critical thinking skills:

http://www.rootsofaction.com/critical-thinking-ways-to-improve-your-childs-mind-this-summer/

http://www.wikihow.com/Teach-Critical-Thinking

http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-critical-thinking.html

Speak up for yourself. Don't be afraid to vocally disagree with what they are saying. You can be firm but polite. Don't let them walk all over you!

They need a little education about boundaries. They need to know what yours are, and that they are expected to respect your boundaries.

I'm sure they wouldn't have any trouble doing that with you if you were constantly telling them the truth about mormonism. They'd put a stop to that in a heart beat. Right?

Mormons, when dealing with family members who have left the church use guilt and a person's fear of confrontation as there 2 biggest tools.

Don't let them do it. If they say things about how important the church is tell them that you can't believe in an organization that that excluded 1/3 of the population (blacks) for over a hundred years. You expect more from the one true church.

If they talk to you about the BoM tell them you can't take a book seriously that was written by a guy talking into a hat.

This is their problem, not yours. Don't let them make you feel bad or guilty. Turn it back on them and don't let them start brainwashing your kids.

I think its time to talk to your husband. He can call them and in all angry about having to deal with this from afar.

If he can't handle his own parents, you run the risk of them viewing you as the main impediment and villain. You will become, in their minds, the reason they lost their son.

I agree with the other responses. You absolutely need to protect and stand up for your children. You need to set boundaries and make sure your parents and in-laws respect them. If your in-laws are talking about Mormonism in front of you, absolutely under no circumstances allow them to have unsupervised access to your children. They will do far more when your back is turned.

We had a similar problem with my parents. I'm a working mom and my husband has been a stay at home dad. It's been tough on him (he's now in trade school and will be finishing up soon and will hopefully start working in the near future), and our kids spent a lot of time with my ultra-TBM mother. My mother was always overly involved in my family life and she often had conflicts with my husband. When I was TBM, I couldn't really see what she was doing. I only saw that my mother was "helping" even though she was really undermining us as parents, especially my husband.

When we left TSCC, my mother went into overdrive. The scales fell from my eyes and I was able to see what she had been doing. My poor husband! I became a better wife. But we still made the mistake of allowing the kids to spend time with my parents unsupervised. Big mistake.

Months later, we found out from our oldest that my mother had been teaching them about Joseph Smith and the BOM behind our backs "because they didn't have it at home". They knew more than what I had ever taught them. Even when I was TBM, I only taught them about Jesus. I was also with them in nursery so I knew exactly what they had been taught with the exception of when they were with my mother.

Needless to say, we had a huge blow out and we now no longer talk to them. We also found out that my mother had taught them to not listen or obey my husband. My childrens' behavior has improved significantly since we cut off contact these last few months. My mother denied ever doing anything. She is incapable of seeing that she could ever do anything wrong. She has become more and more angry and irrational. It has taken quite an emotional toll on me dealing with all of this and the fact that my parents' love is conditional. But I have to do this for my children. I do not want them to get caught up in Mormonism. We've had good conversations about telling the truth and being honest.

Please do not allow them to manipulate you because you are in a vulnerable position right now. Establish boundaries and protect your precious children!

Well the temple ceremony is online. How long do you think it would hold a 2 or 5 y.o's attention? A nanosecond? Or, when the in-laws talk about the temple, what if you kids asked the in-laws to see their green apron or baker's hat? I can think of a thousand things more fun for small children than anything to do with the church.

I don't have children so I don't know if this would work. Give them a choice, church with the in-laws or something fun with you.

and how silly that is.

All of you are correct. I can think of 2 other not church related situations that I have stood up for myself to my in-laws. They were fake nice after, but they backed off. I guess I felt more powerful when they visited my home, and I've been avoiding uncomfortable conversations. It's time to put on my big girl panties and say something.

Your husband needs to deal with them.

Her husband is deployed, and besides, she needs to tackle this head on as their mother anyway.

She has to stand up for the kids, but the husband probably has some access to his parents and needs to help since it is his family.

I agree. He should speak up too. I've enlisted dh's help with the in laws. I did not mean he should not be involved. I meant she should not push it off on him while not saying anything to them herself.

I'm not sure what or how you told them you were leaving the church, but it sounds like you need to have another conversation with her and clearly outline why you don't go (you don't believe anymore). Don't get too much more specific, but let them know in no uncertain terms that neither you nor your children will be involved with the church. Ask her to respect your wishes as their parent.

Then, next time grandma says something to your kids about the temple, speak up and say "grandma believes in the temple but we don't". And keep it up every time she says something about the church. She'll soon learn to keep it to herself.

I believe in being direct and up front with people. Saves a lot of misunderstandings and vagueness later.

My father-in-law asked me in the presence of my mother-in-law and two tbm sister-in-laws when I was planning to go to the temple. I told them I'm not because I don't believe in the restoration, and I don't go to church anymore. He asked questions and I told him I wasn't comfortable answering. He told me I need to immerse myself in the gospel, and that going to the temple to do baptisms would help me gain a testimony. I politely said I wasn't interested. That was the end of the conversation. It is usually my MIL that tries to brainwash my kids.

You stated that you moved back to your hometown. Do you have your own space, or are you living with your in-laws? Do you need your in-laws to baby sit while you work? If you are not in a position of really needing their help, you should limit your contact with them. If you do need their help, you need to start looking for a different support system.

I don't think you should deal with the differences by pointing them out to your kids. That puts them in the middle.

Go to your mother-in-law and tell her that you want the subject of religion and all that it entails (modesty issues, etc.) to be off limits with your children.

I think that your mother-in-law is especially upset about your leaving the church because she expected you to influence her son in a way that she had failed to do. She thought that if you went to the temple, eventually your husband would go as well. Now the pressure that was on you to save her son is on your children.

Yes, I have my own space. I'm a SAHM, so I don't need them to watch my kids. I promised my husband we will visit them once a week. He knows they aren't my favorite people.

I'm happy that you are able to be independent. That makes it easier for you to hold your ground. I think you need to make it clear to you in-laws that they are making you uncomfortable. You have promised your husband that you will visit once a week, but the length of your visits can be determined by the level of respect you receive from your in-laws.

Good luck, I know that it is hard to have people who could be a soft place to fall turn out to be a prickly bush.

Once a week seems like a lot to me. Why did your husband make such a request of you? Usually these things work themselves out in an organic manner without setting numbers goals. I would talk to him and tell him that you need to dial back the number of visits. Your side of the family needs some time, too.

While the promise was made with good intentions, reality has crept in, and it's time to revisit the promise and make adjustments.

If they keep pushing, then don't go. Spend some time with YOUR family, or just go do something with your kids alone.

When you talk to your husband, just explain the situation and that everyone needed a cooling off for a while.

He doesn't have to like it, but right now you're in charge and need to handle these things.

Honestly? I know some of the babycenter boards get a lot of flack on here (and with good reason!), but I'd still go over there and run your problem by the women on the Dealing with In-laws and Family of Orgin board. It's full of people who have dealt with similar issues.

It is your husband's responsibility to protect you and your children, even if that means protecting you from his own parents. He has aked that you visit them once a week while he is away. Have you conveyed to him what his parents are doing on those visits? I agree with releve's comments regarding the pressure now being on the children to save their son.

When is became known that I was an apostate my FIL did not speak to me for a couple of years. When my DH left, FIL became relentless and increasingly manipulative, even using our children in trying to persuade us back into the fold. DH's family has always been what DH describes as "high maintenance", but DH had problems standing up to his father and establishing boundaries. Things became so bad with his FIL that it started to deteriorate our marriage. I'm not one to just let people intimidate me so I got into it a few times with my FIL. DH and I did talk to a marriage counselor who put the responsibility to protect and set boundaries squarely on DH, at which point he did step up and through several intense confrontations told his father to either give his love unconditionally or he will cut off contact.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2014 03:53PM by braindead.

What your in-laws are doing is called religious bigotry.

They are attacking you, personally, for your religious beliefs.

Point that out to them.

Honestly, they are probably so brainwashed that they don't realize what they are doing is wrong.
I would suggest pointing out that this bothers you and is disrespectful - the way it would be if you constantly brought up issues like Smith's polyandry/pedaphilia, the book of Abraham and the use of church resources for investments rather than true charity. Tell them if they won't, you won't, and they can continue to have pleasant visits with the kids. Get hubby to back you up with a letter around the same time. Hopefully they will back off if they see it will result in losing easy access to the kids.

My girls, raised mostly heathen outside Utah, hate and resent all Mormon influence in the family. I doubt a grandparent's influence would ever be stronger than friends and immediate family unless there are serious conflicts with mom and dad and the grandparent has a strong one-on-one relationship cemented by significant time, money, or other support. My guess is the kids will tune out grandma's crazy.