So during my TBM days I was guilty of having enjoyed porn now and then and I went through some intense cycles of shame, guilt, abstinence, then binging. I viewed every two or three months, then I would have a couple weeks of heavy viewing, I wouldn't consider it an addiction. It caused heartache and problems in my marriage because my wife was hurt by the porn viewing.
Now that TSCC no longer has its claws in me, and a large part of the guilt and shame has left. However, my TBM DW has made it clear that if she ever catching me viewing again there would be consequences. Total abstinence from porn never worked with me. It creates binging cycles which I don't like. So I partake about once or twice a week on the sly.
I don't feel that porn is wrong, but I don't like the sneaking around though, I don't like keeping secrets from my wife. And I know that the sh!* will hit the fan when I'm caught one day. I've tried talking to her about it, but it goes nowhere. This is one area where we are at a complete disagreement with not a lot of wiggle room on either side. I have a fairly happy marriage, we are on the same page on 90 out of 100 issues. This one has the potential to cause some serious damage in the future, it is a land mine waiting to go off.
I don't know what I should do. Should I confess to her and deal with the consequences now? Should I keep hiding it and just hope she never catches me again, while hoping that her views on it change over time? Should I try to stop viewing and potentially get back into the binging cycle?

Personally, I found the binge cycles and addictive behavior to be due to repression etc. Maybe there is still some liberation you need. And no, I don't mean cheating or anything, but maybe some communication and personal/mutual acceptance needs to happen?

You might be different, but my guess is that it comes down to personal castigation.

Hope you find a solution, this kind of stuff is awful to deal with.

If your secret viewing is causing big problems in your marriage, it might be time to get some marriage counseling with a non-LDS therapist. This isn't a religious issue, but one about the expectations and agreements you and DW have about your sexual relationship. There's no "right" answer for everyone; each couple has to decide what works for them.

If you are in a binge/abstain cycle and feel like you can't control it (or keep returning despite your best efforts not to), then you may have a behavioral addiction. If you find yourself obsessed by thoughts of it, fantasize about it when you aren't doing it, plot ways to do it secretly, become angry/stressed when you can't indulge as planned, or find that the activity (or thoughts of it) interferes with work or other important things, there's a problem.

Like smoking, gambling, shopping, or any other behavior, porn can create new neural connections in your brain. Some people get "hard-wired" to their pleasurable activity (whatever it may be) to the point where it can become addictive. I'm not saying porn is bad or immoral.

You are right -- this is a land mine waiting to go off. Talk with DW and get some marital counseling to help you two negotiate and communicate about needs, wants, expectations, desires, fears, etc. and figure out a mutually-workable solution before your marriage explodes.

Good luck!

Here's what you do. You tell her that you consider porn to be completely benign and she considers it completely harmful. Conversely, she considers the church to be completely benign, and you consider it to be completely harmful. Thus, she has two choices:

1) You can both respect each other's beliefs equally. She won't view your porn watching as a betrayal or unfaithfulness to the relationship, and you won't view her devotion to the church as a betrayal and unfaithfulness to the relationship.

2) You can give each other equal consequences for living a lifestyle that is unapproved by the other party.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2014 01:29PM by kimball.

dude go to xhamster and check out the vid with elexis monroe and annabelle lee. OMG!

Keep it a secret. I really don't think partners need to know when you look at porn and jack off. As long as it doesn't become a true addiction and affects your sex life with her, don't stress out over it. It sounds like it's healthier for you than if you try to abstain, and it sounds like your wife isn't at a point where she will compromise at all.

Thanks for the tips. I do feel like repression causes binging cycles, that is why I'm really not interested in going that route. I don't feel like it is an addiction because since I stopped trying to repress, porn doesn't take over my life. It doesn't affect my work. It just pisses my wife off. In fact, it has just become like any other leisure activity I might do like playing a game on my phone. If I do it too often I become bored with it and seek other things to do with my time. Maybe it's just me but I don't see this type of behavior as a behavioral addiction. I think it is pretty normal. It is when I try to repress it that it starts to take control of my life, in a way it becomes forbidden fruit which makes it more desirable and more exciting than it really is.
As for talking it out, in the past she has expressed that it makes her feel jealous and self-conscious when I view. Which I totally understand and I think that is perfectly normal for any woman to feel that way. I on the other hand begin to behave in unhealthy and abnormal ways when I try to repress it. That is why we never make any headway when we discuss these things. Either she feels jealous or I go crazy. She also believes that people can choose and change any behavior (including being gay) and is very defensive about it, she believes that I am just choosing the easy way out by saying it is unhealthy for me to repress porn viewing.
How do I approach it with her in a constructive way? Has anybody else successfully come to a compromise with a TBM over porn usage?

I have been keeping it a secret because she doesn't have to feel jealous and I get to have a normal porn habit. But I think that the secrets and the lying are creating a bigger problem than the porn. That is where the land mine is.

Incognito mode has kept me in the clear thus far.

What problems are the secrets and lying causing? I honestly don't want to know what my husband looks at. I don't want him telling me because unfortunately, it does make me a little insecure. But we have a great sex life.

If she is so insistent that people can choose any behavior, including being gay, then tell her she needs to choose not to be jealous.

Problem solved. QED.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2014 12:44PM by kimball.

I know this is a dumb question, but do you clear your browser history?

I think it's perfectly healthy to decide to decrease porn use, but the body craves daily endorphins and doesn't really care where it gets them from.

So you'll need to make sure you have some reliable sources for when you are craving some. Porn is one source, but there's lots of others that feel just as good. Of course regular sex should be on that list, but intense exercise and sports are a close second. And then anything else that you find enjoyment in, especially if social, should also release a satisfying amount of endorphins.

If you do these things your craving for frequent porn should probably go down and your craving for these other activities should probably increase. For the record, I don't think watching porn a couple times a week is unhealthy, but if you're looking for a way to not have cravings this should do it.

I also think porn satisfies the need for novelty, so having some area of your life that allows you to feel and experience new things intensely should help satisfy that need as well.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2014 02:03PM by NoMoBlues.

Porn addiction is not a real thing. It has enn coined and used particularly by Mormons in order to dismiss the sexual issues that cause damaging viewing habits.

Secondly, you have to understand that despite what Mormonism says, people have different sexual NEEDS. They try to put everyone in the same formula, without regard or experience, hormones, partner chemistry, education or even sexual partner preference. This, my friend, causes HUGE problems.

Thirdly, you have to see that the church uses sexual attraction to control, segregate and then reward individuals. Mormons are separated from playing with the opposite sex at an early age. Mormons then sexualities everything, from a 4 year old's bathing suit, to the kneecap of an 80 year old.

All of this adds up to the repression of a need. You are in a marriage that is not meeting your needs (not exclusively sexual needs, could be other intimacy issues :emotional, spiritual, etc)

You wife is playing a role within the marriage, and expect you to do the same. If you were married in the temple, you might remember that you really married the church.

What you are doing, in her eyes is "throwing it all away" over "temptations" of satan. This paradigm cannot be changed, she will always view you as less than and as a risk to everything she hold dear.

You have to either get her to understand and accept what I just explained or take her to a therapist to help you. If you don't, you will eventually get caught, this will confirm her worse fears and it's game over for you.

It is not a Mormon term or issue, far from it.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/404_love_tip.html

That is just a site called Ask Men.

Food is also a *need* and yet there are a lot of disorders, even addictions involving food, such as anorexia, bulimia, obesity etc. and it is not unusual for these disorders to involve a abstinence/binge cycle as well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/02/2014 12:14AM by braindead.

It can be an addiction. i was a hottie in my early thirties and my bf would only have (10 min) sex with me once a month because he wad addicted to porn n would beat off several times befioe i got home from work. 2 years of this!! we discussed and same thing broke up his previous relationship n have kept in touch aftet breakup...same thing in his relationship now....

You want help with ideas on how to justify keeping your porn habit with the expectation that it is your wife who must change to accommodate your sexual behavior. Your porn habit is more important to you than your love for your wife, so much so, that you have no consideration for her feelings. You will keep secrets, lying, whatever it takes to fulfill your *need* to look at porn. Ideally, marriage should be sexually safe and fulfilling for each partner. Laying down an ultimatum - that your wife accept your sexual habits - as some people have suggested, is only going to explode in your face. Consider that you have a habit/addiction that has resulted in sexual incompatibility with your wife. Marriage counseling would be helpful, however, the issue of your porn use will be front and center, even with a non-LDS therapist. Until you are willing to confront the real issue, which is your porn habit, I'm not sure there is any help for you.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2014 01:59PM by braindead.

The problem is there is no middle ground. She feels it's perfectly reasonable to completely ban one area of his sexuality because she doesn't like it. He's not asking her to get involved he's simply asking her to do what many couples do in this situation - turn a blind eye.

Personally I think the OP needs to be careful - clear browsing history etc and carry on as they are. I wouldn't confess. If at some point in the future she catches him and does decide she needs to leave over it then unfortunately they are incompatible. Also check out savage love, Dan Savage has got a lot of good stuff to say about porn 'addiction'

Dan Savage is not a licensed therapist. He's writes an advice column, but is like the talk show hosts that get paid to be controversial.

"Dan Savage is not a licensed therapist."

So?

Not being a licensed therapist doesn't mean he doesn't talk sense.

"Marriage counseling would be helpful, however, the issue of your porn use will be front and center, even with a non-LDS therapist. Until you are willing to confront the real issue, which is your porn habit, I'm not sure there is any help for you."

I would say you have an issue with porn. The issue of a porn habit would only be of interest to a therapist if it is presented as the only issue in the marriage.

The reality is that most men use porn at some point in their lives and a lot of men use it regularly. It is only a marriage issue if the other partner doesn't like it and then for some reason the person with the 'porn habit' is the one who needs to change.

I would argue that the best way to be respectful of a woman's concerns is to be discrete there's no particular reason for her to know about it unless you tell her.

From my personal experience, there are only two problems with porn. The first is when it becomes exploitative towards the performers. The second is when it is viewed as evil or wrong by the consumer. Fortunately, both problems have very simple resolutions.

Those two problems aside, when it is used at high enough quantities to have a detrimental effect on a person's life, that means it is more of a symptom than a disease, and the underlying issue needs to be addressed. Very often this issue is that porn is viewed as evil or wrong by someone close to the consumer, but there could also be problems completely unrelated to porn that is causing the person to dive into this particular fantasy (the nature of the fantasy is irrelevant at this point).

From what the OP has stated, the issue in their marriage is pornography. That is what the therapist will then focus on. That his wife doesn't like it, and he does, has brought about sexual incompatibility and dishonesty. If he expects the therapist to help his wife understand and even accept his use of pornography, and how important it is to him, the therapist will need to understand his use of pornography first. Other underlying issues may be present with each partner that the other doesn't know about or fully comprehend. I don't think the media hype of the Dan Savage types are helping couples with these issues in any meaningful way. For instance, Dan Savage's advice to women who object to their partner's use of pornography... "Get over it."

It is not to say that his wife will be immovable, nor should he be. The focus would be to bring about mutually satisfying sexual compatibility.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2014 03:33PM by braindead.

braindead Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> From what the OP has stated, the issue in their
> marriage is pornography. That is what the
> therapist will then focus on. That his wife
> doesn't like it, and he does, has brought about
> sexual incompatibility and dishonesty. If he
> expects the therapist to help his wife understand
> and even accept his use of pornography, and how
> important it is to him, the therapist will need to
> understand his use of pornography first. Other
> underlying issues may be present with each partner
> that the other doesn't know about or fully
> comprehend. I don't think the media hype of the
> Dan Savage types are helping couples with these
> issues in any meaningful way. For instance, Dan
> Savage's advice to women who object to their
> partner's use of pornography... "Get over it."
>
> It is not to say that his wife will be immovable,
> nor should he be. The focus would be to bring
> about mutually satisfying sexual compatibility.


I agree, although I think a non-relegious councillor will also try and help the wife figure out why she feels so against porn and what that is doing to their marriage. What I was trying to say is that the pornography 'issue' is as much hers as it is his.

As an exmo woman with a nevermo husband I personally find Dan Savage to give a useful alternative to the sex negative culture I was raised in and it definitely made me think about things in a different way which is why I suggested it - not so the OP can go and tell his wife to 'get over it' but because I think he has an interesting perspective on what it means to be a good partner.

I can't tell you how ECSTATIC it makes me that Ms. Schlock has a chronic, pernicious, seemingly incurable "porn habit". She also has a "masturbation habit". And a "sex habit".

And I thank aphrodite every day for her "habits".

http://www.greekmyths-greekmythology.com/greek-gods-of-love/

Haha! Congrats! :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2014 02:39PM by braindead.

This is why women should understand that light use of porn for sexual arousal/reseated is fine. And I'm a woman, trainers by TSCC to think that Satan lurked behind every reference to sex. Sigh. It sounds like you have a good marriage; you're luckier than most. What's the harm in keeping it on the sly? The burden, I guess, of having to keep it on the sly. Good luck.

This is almost an exact reflection of my life. My wife and I are going through a divorce right now, although she was with me for 7 years while I was involved in porn and she knew it. It wasn't until I left the church that everything crumbled to the ground. I wish you the best, but if I'm perfectly honest with you I'd say it's a bumpy road ahead for you if you remain in the marriage. TBM women in the church are trained to think porn is so close to actual cheating there's barely any difference to them.

I go back and forth about whether there is such a thing as sexual addiction. Sex is a human instinct only beaten in intensity by the will to live, whereas all other addictions we tend to think of aren't (alcohol, drugs, etc), so I have a really difficult time thinking it's an addiction. If sex is an addiction, then so are a lot of other things basic to the human experience such as the need to be social, the need for approval, the desire to have children, the desire to be in good physical shape, etc.

Anyone else find it interesting how all of those things I mentioned have a positive or neutral connotation to them except for sex....?

Tell your wife that you are a man and if you want to watch porn you will. If she wants a divorce - she needs to go do it.

There are way too many woman available to love you to worry about one that make stupid demands.

I am hostile today. LMAO

I didn't notice anyone bringing this up. Do you have an accurate definition of pornography? Like photos of sexual activity, emphasis on sexual organs, etc.

If you're just looking at swimsuits or lingerie, even most nude shots, then you're not using pornography and the problem is nearly solved.

There is an instant porn addiction cure. It's called "Two Girls and A Cup".

I would keep it on the down low. For heaven's sake, learn how to clear your cache and your browser history. And if you really want to keep it private, find some location other than your house where you can view it. I know that my local library allows users to view porn on their own laptops as long as they are using privacy shields.

It is entirely possible that your desire to see porn will decrease with time and age.

Perhaps if you didn't feel keeping your porn viewing habits a secret is bad, things would be better?

I say that because, while I understand your wife doesn't like you to view porn, I really don't think it's any of her business as long as it's not interfering with your relationship otherwise.

Some thing are meant to be kept private and some things you should feel ok about keeping private. There's no need to share everything. You are a grown adult who happens to be in a partnership with another person. That doesn't mean that she has the right to tell you what to do in your private time, so long as it isn't impacting the relationship in any other way.

I watch porn once in a while. I don't suffer any guilt, which probably contributes to the fact that it's not an obsession.

I miss my violin teacher every day. she and I had something in common that people often don't get. even being a professional musician for 30 years and she having an illustrious career we both hated going to hear live music. the way she put it was going to concerts was like watching porn to her. why in the world would she go watch something she'd rather be doing herself?

You DONT need to confess EVERYTHING to your wife. Especially something as non-important (to most the world) of viewing porn once in a couple of weeks? Just do it in private and don't worry about it.

Serious issues need to be communicated as a couple. This is not such an issue.

Confessing to her makes YOU and HER feel bad. Why do that? There is no upside to 'confessing' something that is nothing. No upside to 'confessing' when the only purpose it serves is to hurt your marriage. You grew up Mormon, so have been conditioned to confess. You say that you are over the guilt, but you are not over the need to confess.

If you had a severe problem, then that would need to be dealt with. If you are doing it only once every so often, get over your need to confess. this is better for you and especially, your wife.

Asking exmormons about sexual issues is only marginally better than asking Mormons about sexual issues.

I've been around a long time. The only place I've ever heard of "porn addiction" is amongst Mormons and exmos.

I would suggest that you seek answers from people who have never been members of a sexually repressive cult.

sonoma Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Asking exmormons about sexual issues is only
> marginally better than asking Mormons about sexual
> issues.
>
> I've been around a long time. The only place I've
> ever heard of "porn addiction" is amongst Mormons
> and exmos.
>
> I would suggest that you seek answers from people
> who have never been members of a sexually
> repressive cult.

+1,000,000!!!

And a few dozen thumbs up, besides!!!

Um, not even close to being a mormon-only phenomenon:

http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2013/december/how-to-recover-from-your-husbands-pornography-addiction.html

Sexual pathology permeates most erstwhile victorian societies.

Unfortunately.

(And seriously: How to recover from your husband's addiction? WTF does that even mean? Gaw!)

The problem is Mormons, especially Mormon women, are taught not to like sex. So OF COURSE they dislike/hate porn as it depicts something -sex- that they are taught not to like!

I don't really think that's at the root of it as much as mormon women feel like they have to compete with porn. Most men don't see it quite that way. Porn is porn, and your wife is the woman you love and sleep with.

Why do Mormons always feel a need to tell their spouses and Bishops everything? Is there nothing private? when Im gone on business for a week I would hope that my wife would do what she does in her private time.