I got married shortly after returning from my mission to someone I met at a church school. She is a good person, and I am sure she would make most people happy in a marriage. She is very emotionally needy, and I am an introvert that doesn’t meet her needs emotionally or sexually. I get frustrated with the way she smothers me. I feel like we are incompatible, but we have found ways to make it work. We have been married a little over 20 years and have three children at home. We both resigned or membership in 2008. I know that I would never have married her if I hadn’t been brainwashed into thinking that I had to get married soon after returning home from my mission. I feel like my marriage is one of the few remaining relics of Mormonism that I will never get rid of. I feel horrible saying that. I know that is a horrible thing to say, and I am ashamed to feel that way. The bad part is that I sometimes project a part of the anger I have at the church towards my spouse. And, my marriage makes me feel even more anger towards the church because it interfered with one of the most important decisions of my life, and I was totally unprepared to make that decision at that time.

I was married in my early 20's to a girl I met in church, and to this day as an exmo, we remain very happy after 10 years of marriage.

However, I went against the grain by marrying her because she was not a particularly strong mormon, she just went to church because she was raised that way. I was counselled by some to marry someone that might have been stronger in the church and some felt that I wouldn't be encouraged to always remain firm in the church with her as my wife.

So several months ago when I studied my way out of the church, I immediately shared everything with her. She was relieved and super happy! Now we're all happy exmos living together in harmony.

I am so sorry you had to go through this, anon. You cannot be the only one.

I see so so many mormon couples with nothing in common, who don't really seem to like each other that much, and it makes me very sad. Shouldn't your spouse be your best friend?

I feel like my mom and dad never agree on anything and always argue, but stay together because the church shuns divorce.

I'll be honest, I met my fiance who is now leaving the church as well because of the church and because we were encouraged to marry RMs etc, but I also shake my head at the countless good people I see that don't even date other wonderful people because they aren't members. Seriously, 15 million in 6 something billion is nothing.

I'm a nevermo but I have often wondered about this very issue and how I would have coped with getting married at such a young age.

I imagine that I would feel very much as you do, Anon for now because who to choose to share life with and when to make that commitment is the sort of decision that is very personal. It's not anyone's business but yours (and the other) and not a decision that one should be pressured into.

I think you have every right to feel resentful.

No, but I do regret having followed the counsel to look for a temple marriage only. I let opportunities go, which may or may not have worked, but the thing is I never gave them a chance. For that I do resent the counsel along with my gullibility. As a non-whiteAndDelightsome divorced female convert I should have just left the church.

I did marry young and we separted after not many years of marriage. The bishop at that time wanted us to stay together but after many talks and feeling we were going in circles, we separated. I wasn't too brainwashed yet so I did allow myself to think that the bishop didn't know us and didn't know what was best for us. We were after all converts of a few years.

If you guys cannot work it out, can you go your separate ways? Is that an option for you? I know it is not for many but you both deserve to be happy.

Good luck,

Yes, if it wasn't for the church, I would have married someone else and likely would have been happier. Dammned Cult!

Oh no doubt. I messed around with a TBM girl shortly after my mission. She confessed, and thus, I had to as well. Those guys, the Bishop and the SP, pressured us into marriage. She wasn't pregnant or anything. Here I was 21 and she 19. She was not the right one for me, that's for sure. yes, I am angry at the cult for pressuring me and a lot of other young folks into marriage before they are ready.

I believe that I would be happier with a long-term separation or divorce (after I got through the trauma and stress of it all). The problem is that my wife would be devastated if I left her or divorced her. The crazy thing is that she would often threaten me with divorce during our fights, and I thought she was at least half way serious, but she was actually just manipulating me. About two months ago she threated divorce, and I told her for the fisrst time that I also wanted a divorce (and I seriously meant it). She immediately became as submissive as a puppy dog and begged me to stay with her. That was an eye-opener. I realized that she would never want a divorce, but it made me feel sort of resentful towards her. I was seriously traumatized emotionally when she would treaten divorce. I have always been the one who was determined to stay together for the kids, and I see now that she used that against me. Now that I realize that she is actually the one who would never leave me, it puts me in a bad position. Now that I am seriously contimplating divorce I see that it would devastate her. Oh, well. I am pretty sure I will stay with her for the sake of the kids. I will probably divorce her when the kids are out of the house. I feel bad for thinking that as well, because that could be unfair to her since she will probably have a harder time finding a new husband the older she gets.

Not really doing your kids any favors either.

Which would you rather have them learn:

A healthy, vibrant, happy partnership where both people love and respect and trust each other and communicate openly and honestly?

Or a dysfunctional sham of a marriage where both people just barely tolerate each other for years?

Which do you want your kids to learn about relationships?

I am 0-2 on the marriage thing.

My first joined a cult, stole everything we owned and divorced me. I was devastated. Although, in retrospect, I was more upset about the stuff she took and how hard it was to get it back for quite a while. Then I was devastated.

I just woke up next to my second one day and we decided we really didn't like being married. So we got divorced. I was devastated, so was she...

I think devastation is just part of the process... You get over it, you move on, life gets better... (I am not trying to be flippant, really.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/21/2012 07:50PM by John_Lyle.

Had a discussion about this at a PFLAG picnic last sunday.

I believe that if I had not been a virgin when I married, I would have recognized the sexual incompatibility. 27 years married to a good friend, but not someone I was madly in love with, was not fare to either of us. We were married 4 months after my mission, and had only one date prior to my mission.

I am happily divorced, and hope my ex can get to that point.

I looked up my college girlfriend after my divorce, and we dated for awhile. I had regretted our breakup in college all those years, and I was so excited to be with her again. We felt like it was so right, and we had married the wrong people and should have been together all that time, etc.

Well, we should have had sex in college, because we weren't sexually compatible at all and it would have saved a lot of regret. I was the luckiest man in the world to have been able to date her again, but it just wasn't right and we both knew it.

Sex matters! It's important to know if you're going to be compatible or not. It's hard enough to be married without setting traps for yourself like "saving it for marriage." Worst advice ever!

Down here in Austin there is a local revered somewhat as a prophet. He tells people who they should marry and oddly they do. He is not in any official line of authority, yet dummies listen.

Lou

I'm local to Austin and curious about who this is? I doubt I know them but of course I'm curious.

This guy deseretbook.com/auth/663/Randal_Wright

Lou

nevermind, I do know him but I didn't know he had that reputation. He ratted me out to my parents when I quit going to institute.

I married a TBM for my second marriage, same as the first. I thought that she'd be more likely to be true and straight. That idea bore fruit, but her TBM-ness is a constant thorn. We still get along and I wouldn't change things now. We just agree to disagree on religion. I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like had I took the trouble to find a lady with the same world view that I have, though. There are plenty of people who are agnostic but have great values and ethics.

I never went on a mission, but I did marry the girl that my parents thought I should. It went very bad, very quick. The marriage lasted 2 years. None of it very good. Glad I'm out.

I married by ex both because I felt guilt for sleeping with her, and because I thought I had gone too long without getting married. She was never a member, and I was on my way out when I hooked up with her, but there was still a lot of imprinted guilt influencing my decision.

AnonforNow, I feel for you. At least you seem to LIKE your spouse. I don't particularly like mine anymore and I can't say whether we were never right for each other or if I became disillusioned because of his behaviors--long story. My youngest will graduate from high school in four years. I can't go into details, but I know it's best for this particular child that they have both parents in the home for now.

I really wish I could sit down with my spouse and be upfront that the way things stand I'd leave now if it weren't for the kis; I wish I could tell him he'd better be prepared for when I leave, because I will. I've tried and tried to let him know how unhappy I've been, but as always I'm told I'm the one who is screwed up. (And he believes in UFOs, gold plates and get rick quick scenarios.)

What has helped me is to plan for the time when I leave--how I'll leave, what money I need, where I want to go. This has given me a lot of happiness and peace and has helped me deal with this spouse more calmly and effectively. It has given me power to be honest. Because I've decided to leave, I have nothing to lose, really. We are roomates and parenting partners, little more really.

This has given my youngest more stability and peace as well. She really does need it.

YOur spouse sounds like a nice person though (mine is when they want something or things are going his way)--is she in a position to be financially independent? Does she have a career? How much longer does your youngest have before they are done with school? If your wife is dependent on you, encourage her to look outwards at careers, at going back to school.IF you have been her whole life, it would be indeed difficult for her if and when you should decide to leave.

I'm not sure I buy into the idea it's harder for an older woman to find love again. I'll be in my mid 50s by the time my youngest is down with school--I"m not Miss America, but maybe the right guy will love me as I am. (Guess I can always dream, eh?!)

YOu'll get criticized if you stay for the kids until they are grown; you'll get criticized if you leave now. Only you can know what is best. Good luck.

Our situations are quite similar. My wife is a nice person, although she is a Jekyll and Hyde. She is so unpleasant to be with when she is Ms. Hyde that I have lost affection for her through the years. It is an unfortunate downward cycle, because it is her feelings of insecurity that bring out the worst in her. This is sad because I did consider her to be my best friend throughout most of our marriage. I was never really attracted to her physically, but I thought that didn’t matter so much at the time we were married.

My youngest is 9, and he also needs both parents at home. We do a fair job of giving the impression that all is well, so I think he feels secure. He is my only son, and he does home school, so he really needs a constant male influence in his life.

My wife doesn’t have a career. She is very dependant upon me financially and emotionally, but I do have the means to support her after the divorce, and it will make me feel better doing so. Being a good ex will make me feel like I am making some kind of atonement for the being the one that walks out. She is defiantly someone that needs a male companion, so I hope she will find someone who really loves her passionately. My statement about having a harder time finding someone the older a person gets was an inappropriate generality. Sorry. I wish you good luck finding someone else when the time comes. Thanks again sharing your story.

I love my wife and she loves me but we have some big issues that I'm pretty sure wouldn't exist if it weren't for the church. Like many Mormon rms I married as quick as I could when I got home bc I was HORNY. Still took me a couple years but I do believe I would have made different decisions if I wasn't so sexually repressed. I may still have married her and we would quite likely be fine now, but I remain sexually repressed and it is not helping anything. I agree with an above poster: in this day and age, saving it until marriage = very bad advice

Thanks for Sharing--I didn't take offense at your statement about it being harder for older women to find someone. It's a reality of our culture. It does happen.

I wish us all luck.

I can relate to this post completely, I am in the same situation as well. I love my spouse as a person but dislike them totally. We have 2 young children together and had it not been for pressures of the church I would have found a man who actually made me happy. I'm trying my best to make the situtation work given there are children involved but I don't know how much longer I can keep going. DH has some issues but the most problematic are his very childish behavior, low sex drive, and some very unsavory things he has done. All put together I have reason to believe had he not been LDS he'd be off playing "for the other team" so to speak. He treats me like dirt and I've about had it.

Thanks for the luck UCM, we are all going to need it.

"Oh, well. I am pretty sure I will stay with her for the sake of the kids."


"Oh, well...." This statement speaks volumes about your real feelings. Are you really doing the right thing by staying with someone you admittedly don't care for anymore? Her insecurity is definitely a problem; sounds very much like the "I hate you, don't leave me" type of manipulation. But can you be responsible for her all of your life? And are you saying you don't deserve to be happy?

I'm not one to advocate divorce, but at the very least you need to communicate the fact that your wife's neediness is too hard on you. Have her get some counseling (not in the church). Maybe she is far too dependent. Maybe she needs you more than loves you but doesn't know the answer herself. Are you afraid she'll do something drastic like hurt herself if you leave?

As for me, I would never have picked the person I married if it hadn't been for the church. We were too different, grew up differently, and had far different expectations about marriage. I also wasn't attracted to him enough, so the chemistry wasn't right for me. And he had zero emotional intimacy skills. We were doomed from the start. I gave up many opportunities in grad school and with my chosen career, and though I never said anything, I resented it greatly. As my unhappiness with the church and with him grew, we became more and more distant. And as hard as the divorce was, now I'm much happier without him--and he without me. I think now he's married to someone far better suited to him and both are TBMs. And our kids are fine. Children know when you're not happy anyway. You aren't fooling them or doing them any favors staying together.

I feel for you. Many of us here have been where you are. I'm sure it's not an easy thing for you to go through. But you deserve to be happy. So does she. Maybe your personalities don't mesh, whatever. Again, I'm not advocating divorce here. But don't stay silent about it, whatever you do. You'll just resent her more, and you both deserve better. I really wish you all the best.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/21/2012 07:55PM by tangledweb.

Oh yeah. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 25 years. We met at BYU. From the outside looking in, we have a great marriage, but we have next to nothing in common. We love each other and have great kids, but are both craving someone more compatible. We both have other lovers but agree that something more permanent is warranted. We will likely have an amicable divorce in the next 2-3 years.

I didn't marry too young--I waited to find that person who I thought was really the right one. I was in my early 30s when I married. I had a great career that was perfect for me at the time--but I was increasingly frustrated with the immature and socially challenged men I was meeting in the singles wards in Salt Lake City. I was frustrated that the men who were more intersting and treated me better were non-Mormon men. I'd start to get serious with one, and that same issue would come up: in order to move the relationship to the next level, they wanted to start having sex--but I was an LDS virgin, holding out for my temple marriage.

Deep down I have to admit to myself that though I really did (or though I did) loved my new husband, that I had had serious reservations about marrying him. I think I was feeling increasingly lonely and displaced in Mormon culture as an older, educated single woman. As they say, "Timing is everything." But I can think of at least two men who were not LDS who were really better suited for me--but I let them go because I wanted that temple marriage.

I can't blame the church though--at the time, I really believed I was marrying the right person in the right place. And now I have to sort out the consequences.

Mormonism puts a thin veneer of compatibility on relationships that often have little more than sexual desire to them. I think too many LDS kids get married because (1) they feel sexually attracted to someone and (2) that person fits the checklist--you know the one I'm talking about:

Potential mate:

1) REturned missionary (if a man)
2) Have a testimony
3) . .. list goes on.

Even when I was a devout Mormon though, my marriage was unraveling. I probably would be thinking of leaving my spouse even if I were still devout. It's sad--he's not a particularly bad person--but my wishes and life dreams have been sacrificed on the alter of his ego and his needs and wants.

God, someday I'll be out of this marriage, out of Utah, and really out of Mormonism. I want my own place out in the country or on the edge of town, with the owls calling as darkness eases across meadow and field. I'll be sitting on my porch with my son or daughter, and with one of my sisters, drinking a glass of wine with them as the stars come out. My house, my life, away from the confines of Mormonism.

My wife and I have been married for 26 years this month. I was just back off my mission for less than a month and met her at a local community college (not in Utah).

I disregarded the advice of my bishop, at the time. He told me very specifically that I should NOT marry her unless she joined the church. I knew that pressing her to join at the moment would be a deal breaker. I married her civilly after being home for one year, from my mission.

After three years, and after our first child was born, she eventually joined the Church. We eventually married in the temple (after we had our 4th of, eventually, 6 children).

Long story short, about three months ago I told her that I no longer believed. The first words out of her mouth were "My respect for you just climbed sky-high". She was very glad to hear me say that. I was shocked...but in a good way.

So ignoring my bishop's advice, eventhough I felt guilty for ignoring it at the time, was one of my best decisions.

I feel that I married the person that I wanted to.

My wife and I are now in the processes of leaving the church together.

I actually had a Bishop who told us to marry. Yes, I resent that. My now ex-husband was a return missionary, but had been back for a few years. He was 24 and I was just 19. I was the more mature. I think the Bishop thought I'd get his life on track. We were both virgins. A lot of sexual pressure. It was a disaster. Three kids in 4 years and I left him. I left FOR the kids. I was not going to teach them that this was acceptable. That you stayed and accepted this in a man, a husband. I met with our Bishop (a different one) and Stake President, both of whom were also out of patience with him, I think. They gave me Temple Clearance, so that I stayed in good standing in the church. At the time it was important too me. Within a year or two I wonder why I cared for their sanction on my actions. I had to go back to school, get a job, raise three babies on my own, yet it was easier than staying with him and having him to deal with too. I never would have looked at him twice as a potential spouse if my priorities had not been set by church programming and if the Bishop had not also intervened. In fact, I was not even in love with him. I told him so. It was that President Kimball believe that "Any two rightous Latter-day Saints can make a good marriage" crap. What a load of shit. Thirty years later, I can say leaving was the best decision I made. I remarried when the youngest was off to college. Happily this time.

The 3/12 promote LDS marriage in a particular way.
- Youth: prepare to marry, prepare to be sealed, prepare to have family, ad nauseum
- No sex, even with self, before marriage
- Do not delay getting sealed
- No sex with anyone besides your spouse, even yourself, in marriage
- Do not delay having a family--school, job, money are not reasons to delay
- Constantly do church things as a family, FHE, prayers, yada yada


LDS marriage is taught to young women in a silly fantasy, with a temple that is a castle, and an RM priesthood prince to sweep them away from the ills & temptations of this world. Once sealed, life is happily ever after.

LDS marriage is a trap for men. I know this is gonna be controversial, so endure with me.
Why?
Any man who is forbidden from sex with anyone, including self, except a wife, will be eager to marry if he has any red-blooded testosterone flowing in his arteries. For him, getting an emotional bond is secondary to getting legitimized sex (and perhaps having a family is next). He can confide and open his heart all he wants before marriage. He can hang out, goof around and be friends all he wants before marriage. Young men aren't worried about having kids too soon. They want sex. Once in the marriage, as long as his wife gives him sex and isn't emotionally abusive/controlling, the average LDS man will be happy. If, god permits, she shuts him down sexually for any petty or even moderate reason, he will be shut out of what he married for in the first place. Marriage has become a prison. If he dares go outside of the marriage, even engaging in masturbation, he is a big-time sinner and horrible person. Masturbation (porn use) is cause for break-up. Never mind that he was shut down and imprisoned.

Now what about the woman? (This is simplified, I know, but space is short.) Most women know that they can get sex anytime they want. Just knowing that is often fairly satisfying to their physical ego. What they seem to want more is adoration and emotional attachment with a strong man. If their husband shuts them down emotionally, it is tragic. But if a woman goes elsewhere to find her emotional needs met--talking with friends, family, LDS leaders, anyone--it isn't seen as being unfaithful. She can have her most important needs met outside of the marriage (albeit, less satisfyingly). It's acceptable.

BUT, LDS leaders know that if a woman has children, she is trapped. If the husband is abusive, bishops are still counseled to encourage them to stay the course. Top leaders encourage woman to have as many children and as early as possible, regardless of finances or other factors.

Once the man and woman are trapped by what motivates each, they are beholden in a vicious cycle that keeps them praying, paying and obeying indefinitely.

Bottom line: The LDS leaders know how to trap their victims, and they preach financial irresponsibility, poor judgment and impulsiveness in this case, when at all other times, they want members to be responsible, careful, and frugal.

The evidence is not strong, but it shows a pattern of purposeful manipulation to entrap.

My situation is a little different. The insanity of Mormonism caused me NOT to marry my TBM girlfriend, and instead marry my beautiful agnostic wife. So in that sense I'm thankful to the morg, and so is my wife :o)

One should not be so swift to think of his or her happiness only. The devastation of divorce affects children greatly. Moreover, the spouse who is, perhaps, the less perfect partner, is affected in a great way. Love may not always be easy, but is the better alternative. If a man will loves his wife as Christ loves us, the problems can be overcome.