Hello there! I am an Ex-Catholic married to an Ex-Mormon. We have been very happy for 12 years. We practice no religions, we just love each other to pieces. Just recently my husband was diagnosed with early stages of cancer. Suddenly my in laws (mother and brothers) from out town are imposing themselves in our house during my hubby's surgey. I refused, but my husband could not reject them and is touched that after a life time of being rejected by them, suddenly they show they care for him. To me they are strangers. We seldom see them (only at funerals.) They talked about giving blessings to my hubby and taking us out to lunch, then camp at our house the rest of the time. I feel very uncomfortable. They have purchased plane tickets and there's no changing their minds. How should I deal with them without hurting my husband's feelings? I'm afraid they want to convert him back to Mormonism. Thanks.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 05:24PM by soccermom2014.

Stay on your toes. Run "errands" periodically. Don't let him nibble on the minnow dangling from the hook (surely he won't bite anyway). Keep them talking about your cooking, your home, all the rest. Ask them lots of questions about themselves and remind them about the good local restaurants. Keep religion at a minimum and Mormonism, if at all, only at the edge of that. Talk about your happiness. Hope it goes well.

Thank you! I will do that! I am afraid they are banking on my hubby's fears.

I did talk to him. But he holds no resentment to their rejection. Despite all his family is sacred.

Random question, are you in Texas? Only place I've ever heard the term "Anglo" used the way you do in this post.

Watch out. This is a vulnerable time for your hubby. My BIL reconverted after his diagnosis. Anything past three days is ridiculous. Your boundaries and needs matter too. Good luck to you and so sorry you have to deal with this in addition to his illness.

Thank you so much!

I had cancer. The last damn thing I needed was having a stressed out spouse, and a house overrun by ANYONE.

When going through cancer, you need peace, calm, order, regular meals, and a schedule that takes priority over everything.

A (as in one maybe 2) helper or caretaker is a good thing.Even then I wouldn't suggest 24/7. Sometimes you may need help with the every day things.

There couldn't be a worse possible time to try and have a relationship with people who haven't been there for you or hubby in the past. This will be adding a ton of chaos, anxiety, and stress to an already stressful situation.

I don't think your hubby has any idea what he may be headed for. I hope you have what it takes to get these people out of the house if needed. They can stay in a hotel. They don't need to be at your house. You don't need them there eating you out of house and home, running up utility bills, and adding to your already huge burden.

Is there a time limit for how long they can stay? If not you need to make one. Try and set boundaries right up front. If you don't, they will most likely be setting them up for you.

You and your husband come first. The relatives come last.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 05:18PM by madalice.

Thank you so much for understanding. I feel the way you expressed yourself. Unfortunetly, my husband doesn't listen to me anymore. He talks to his mother on the phone while I'm not present. He is already obeying their wishes. Thanks for your advice!

Family upheaval and commotion is the worst thing for dealing with serious illness. Physical and emotional calm are better than pills and tonics for healing. The patient needs rest, peace and quiet.

If these people were as supportive as they claim, they would have made the connection during better times and wouldn't be imposing at such a vulnerable time. Mormons are famous for using crisis to their advantage. They move in on those dealing with trauma and use that time to try to convert them. The other problem is they think people who are ill have brought it on themselves and have given into Satan and they want to turn them around to Jesus.

No one with cancer deserves to deal with blame and insults for being ill.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 07:36PM by Cheryl.

Dear Madalice, just wanted to say I am so sorry you had cancer. I hope you are healed now. You are a very nice person.

I have extensive experience with TBM family members and members of TSSC inserting themselves into our home/sickroom. My advice is put your foot down right away.

Easier to do it sooner than later. Plus, you don't have to deal with the added stress.

Thank you! I tried. My hubby got furious.

to tell them they are NOT welcome to stay at your home. If they show up at the abode, tell them there's no room and they need to find a hotel room. If they barge in, call the police.

LOL! I wish I could. My hubby will not put his 80 year old mother in a hotel.

Mormons are so out of touch in that they think they should impose themselves on relatives instead of getting a hotel room when visiting family.

I think I'll be using the term Mormon-in-law whenever applicable.

"My Mormon-in-law freaked out over my cup of tea."

"The Mormons-in-law came over uninvited last night. Totally spoiled our evening."

"I want to move as far from my Mormons-in-law as possible."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 06:33PM by Stray Mutt.

lol

The Mormon church ruins the good things, and makes the bad things worse.

Soccermom, you need to be stronger than you ever have been! Your husband needs you. I'm worried about you, too, as his caretaker. You are meeting a group (Mormons always work in groups of two or more) of single-minded, goal-oriented, relentless manipulators. They will never stop trying to convert your husband and you, and they will do whatever it takes! I used to be like that, when I was a Mormon.

MadAlice is right. You have to set boundaries. I was also a caretaker for a while, and our Mormon relatives seemed to take advantage of our weakness. One relative decided to freeload, and intended on having all his meals with us, too. I was the one recovering from weekly hospital treatments, giving me maybe one or two good days a week. I needed to expend my energy on my children. This relative thought she was "helping", but she was making my recovery a living hell.

Get in contact with your husband's doctor, or a professional care-giver, and get it in writing, in a signed official document, what your husband needs right now--rest, peace, calm, order, regular meals, etc. The doctor, I'm sure, will discourage houseguests. E-mail this document immediately to your husband's family, and say you hope the airlines will give them an extension on the tickets, for a time when you husband is recovered and has the strength to build a new relationship with them (if your husband wants this). Let them know how much you love your husband, how worried you are about him, and how seriously you both are working on his recovery. If your husband thinks you are being harsh, you could cordially invite them for 3 days (or a set time frame with a beginning and an end) for New Year's, or whenever. You don't have to be mean, but you do have to be FIRM. Your husband and You are more important than weird family members and the cost of airline tickets.

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this rough time, and you will get through this. Life is tough enough without the Mormons always pushing into your private life.

Thank you ExMoBandB! I am so grateful to you and this entire forum. You are wonderful caring people. I do feel very intimidated to have a whole pack against me. Besides, how is an 80 year old woman going to help? Plus the brothers are strangers to me. I'm afraid to leave my kids home alone with them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 05:53PM by soccermom2014.

This is one of those times you need and want to support your husband and his wishes regarding his family and set some boundaries in your home in his absence.

It appears that he wants and appreciates his family is involved and close by, regardless of the past.

I presume this is temporary? Can you hang in there for the short haul?

I am not sure why you would be afraid to leave the kids alone with them.

Do what you can to let your husband know that you are not comfortable with strangers in your home. Could he talk to them?

I know there are very distinct differences in family cultures. Some are all about "open house" all the time, others are very private and don't want others in their home.

I don't know what a doctor would do without consulting with his patient first and doing what he wants.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 06:02PM by SusieQ#1.

You and your ailing spouse have enough to worry about. These relatives will only make matters worse.

I think ExMoBandB offered excellent advice. Be firm and stand your ground with the help of Doc's prescription.

Sending the best to you and your husband during this difficult time. May he heal quickly.

MadAlice is spot on with setting boundaries. Remember, it's not just your husband's home it's YOUR home, too. So, it sounds like you need to set boundaries not only with your in-laws but also with your husband.

He wants mom to stay at your home. Fine. You set the number of days she can stay there. If she wants to stay longer, she can do so at a hotel. This time is stressful not only for your DH, but also for you. He needs rest and you can't properly care for him if you're also running a Mormon-in-law bed & breakfast.

It's nice that his family is coming to see him while he's ill and I hope it's all love, hugs & kisses. But you need to be vigilant. It's your home, you owe them nothing. Your DH is the one who needs your support and toughness (even if he doesn't realize it)

Let them stay only as long as they are helpful. It is your house and YOU are in charge. Give them tasks to do to make things easier for you to take care of your husband. The instant they try imposing their will over yours tell them to get out. They can spend the rest of the trip in a hotel and visit their son when it's convenient for you. Also, don't let them stay for free. If they're staying in your house then at the very mininum, they can buy all food for everyone while they're there. That includes groceries and dining.

Remember that you are a wife caring for a sick husband. They are there to HELP you. The instant they are no longer helping YOU they need to leave.

Talk over with your husband how long he would like for them to stay. Remind him that he might be feeling very tired post surgery and that he may not feel up to a lot of visiting. I know that when I had surgery I mostly slept for the first three days I was home.

Put your guests to work (maybe not mom but certainly the sons.) Ask them to help out by setting the table, making a salad, chopping vegetables, watching the kids, etc. They are family and family should help out when they are visiting.

Good luck to you. I hope that your husband makes a good recovery. I've been through cancer with a family member and I know it's hard.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 06:46PM by summer.

I'm trying to talk myself into believing that they actually care about him and just want to help.

But I don't trust Mormons so much, that my first instinct is to think, "Dang Mormon vultures! The moment they sniff out a vulnerable person, they swoop right in."

I'd be on my toes, if I were you.

They also come out of the woodwork when you have a brand new baby, and when they need a handout.

The brothers need to rent their own car and stay in a hotel. They can also be in charge of all the yard work and getting everything ready for winter. They can also help with any running around that needs to be done.

Make sure there is a FIRM return flight. And forget about subtle. They need to know this is a VERY limited time.

Talk to your kids now and make sure they tell you of any inappropriate preaching. Make it clear to the inlaws there will be NO TAKING OF YOUR KIDS TO CHURCH. They should not be speaking to your kids about religion PERIOD.

Educate yourself about LDSInc, this is a nice shortish punchlist. http://www.exmormon.org/tract2.htm



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 07:47PM by Susan I/S.

Soccermom,

While it may seem difficult to tell what your in-laws' intentions are, do be positive, cautious, but not paranoid. If they're devout members of the LDS church, then of course there's likely some 'hope' in their hearts that your husband will rejoin their church, especially due to the challenge at hand. It's only natural for a Mormon to have that specific 'hope' as it's rooted within their primary belief system.

Do keep in mind that due to your family's current situation involving a serious disease, perhaps your in-laws may only want to be close and re-bond. Time will tell what their intentions are. I must say that from what you've described here, for them to assume residency or impose themselves within your home without consent and blessings from BOTH OF YOU is of serious and justified concern on your part. They decided to purchase plane tickets because of the situation, not you or your husband.

Here's a potential solution toward your concern, but you'd need to have a serious 'heart-to-heart'conversation with your husband before pursuing this option - Read on...

If the in-laws are in 'good-standing' with the LDS church, then I'd be more than willing to bet that there are other LDS members residing in your family's area that would hopefully be willing to practice what Mormons pride themselves on, and that is "Charity." In other words, if your husband can understand your concerns and would agree, why not find a local LDS member/family who would allow your in-laws to stay with them while they're in your area if they don't want to rent an apartment on short-term lease or stay in a hotel?

Soccermom, the notion that you should be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home or stay away while your in-laws are there is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstance - PERIOD. Hopefully, your husband understands this and both of you, not them, can find resolution.

With all being said here, let me advise that after several years of personal experience living within the LDS realm that once the in-laws are there, you may likely find LDS missionaries (mostly kids out of high school on their 'mission' with no real life experience) stopping by out of "Compassion, charity, and service", especially geared toward you and your husband. They'll also likely bear their testimony - A testimony they were taught since they were in LDS church primary. They'll want to show you that they are good people. Granted, they are, but their main goal is to get you to 'investigate' their church as it's what they're taught at MTC. Do be very very sceptical as conversion is the primary reason they want to show you all their good works.

Well, please have a talk with your husband and see if you guys can work out a way for a local LDS family to take them in instead of the imposition they're forcing upon you and your home. And on another note, and to offer comfort to you and your husband... I've been through cancer scares many times over with several family and friends. Many, many persons diagnosed with cancer do recover!!! Therefore, and even if you and your husband are not 'practicing' any religion, I'm keep you and yours' in my prayers anyway!

Stay strong, explore all options, and show no malice or hatred toward your in-laws or the missionaries regardless of outcome. You seem to be very level-headed during this trial. But, always DO stand your ground when dealing with them when they violate your space or beliefs. I would encourage your husband to do the same. It is what it is. It's up to you and your husband, not others - period.

Even when the in-laws leave, you may be subject to the relief society, home teachers, etc coming around at all hours.

Even though I limited hospital visitors to family only, 6 local church members sneaked into the hospital room and were so boisterous and loud that they got kicked out of the hospital. The were very proud of themselves for not taking "no" for an answer.

My dad, who was on a respirator, told me later "They thought it was such a fun party I wished I could pass the respirator around."

The phone calls soon became a burden. I got calls at 5:30 am until 11:30 pm. When I asked that they form a phone tree, I was told "You don't know how the church works. You need to call the relief society and get some home teachers and arrange that with them."

It was a terrible time.

Perhaps a neutral third person - his doctor or an oncology nurse - could speak with your husband about the realities of post-surgery recovery? Specifically, the need for rest and quiet for him and for you as the primary care giver.

Remember this THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO SENSE OF BOUNDARY.

You must protect yourself and your mental health to deal with this illness.

Your husband is also under great stress and probably does not need to have more heaped on him.

I have dealt with these issues and I sympathize with you.

Best of luck. And may the force be with you!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2014 08:35PM by thedesertrat1.