So some years back, we lived in Syracuse Utah. It was by far the worst ward I had ever lived in. The bishop was simply a jerk. They would say it's not the ward's job to welcome in new families. But it was the job of the new family to go out and make new friends themselves in the ward...but I digress.

So my DW has always made comments of thinking I'm going to cheat on her. She even said that one of her biggest fears in life is that her husband would cheat on her. So I am already at a disadvantage.

Then while in Syracuse, the bishop has a little lesson in RS about how to search on computers to see if the husbands are watching porn. And then they told them all to go home and look on their computers and see if their hubby's are watching porn.

Great, just what I needed. Making my DW even MORE freaked out about things like porn. I can't believe that a bishop would tell them they need to go and look, so they can "HELP" the husbands of the ward who are struggling with this very serious issue.

I mean...are they freaking kidding me!!!! Let's not have our husbands and wives trust each other, lets get them to spy and then turn them over to the bishop.

So with church lead fuel....my wife still goes crazy at me. I get an email from work. And my DW comments "Is that your girlfriend?"

I have my phone with me a lot (I'm a geek) and she says "You have your phone on you all the time....
I have been working doing testing lately. Because of that I have had to work late (like only an hour late) or in testing during the day and not on email to answer every email right when I get them.

So my wife says she's sorry, but it makes her wonder if I am cheating on her. I have NEVER cheated on her. But I get this crap all the time.

I am really pissed off right now, really frustrated. And of course its all my fault, and she has done nothing wrong accusing me all the time. Because I am the apostate and she is the active TBM.

She tells me why do I act defensive if I have nothing to hide and did nothing wrong. I explain that I am defensive cause she is accusing me of things I haven't done. And I feel like she is out of line for accusing me. And that I feel like I am on trial for a crime I never commited. She get's mad at me cause I don't share that I had a beer with friends. I tell her cause when I do share she gets upset and yells at me for having a beer.

I explain that when I share about drinking, or not believing in the church she freaks. So I just don't talk about it. How I never ask her who all the text messages are from she gets. I don't question her when I wake up at 12 am and she is on her phone texting or on facebook. How she is allowed to rip on me and how I am an apostate any time she wants, but I am not allowed to say a word about the church. How she is friends with old boy friends on facebook, but if I say Hi to a girl. Then she accuses me of having the hots for them.

I know she is controlling, and manipulating...but she doesn't think so. The last thing she sent me was "I don't think it's as bad as you're making it out to be...but whatever." Of course it's not as bad for her...she is the one using all this stuff to put me down and put her self up.

Ok...rant over..sorry.....I just needed to blow off some steam before I get the next email telling me how bad and wrong I am.

Thanks everyone on here. Reading your posts really really help me make it through hard days like today.

~wg

I hope it gets better, my friend!

Thanks man, Hey....you need to hop on that other site some time. I need to talk to you.

In my experience, someone that paranoid is projecting their own guilt. IOW, sounds like she may be cheating on you or at least thinking about it a lot.

I don't know if she is right now. But she had an online fling with two guys in our last ward. One was a friend of mine (some friend) and the other was our neighbor.

I don't think it sounds like she's cheating/considering.

I just think it sounds like she's getting a line of crap from the church designed to ruin her marriage.

I think it's ruining her marriage.

I think the OP should tell his wife the way she's treating him is killing the marriage.

Very much so!

Of course, the church insists on being the third wheel in your relationship. And you already broke up with the third wheel that she continues to engage with, so yes she's definitely cheating. If nothing else, emotionally. When a third party attempts to cast doubt on your relationship, this is intentional alienation and the third party should be banished from your lives altogether. Yet here she is, concerned, because she swore vows to this meddling emotional manipulator. And I'm sure she would never think of cutting this emotionally abusive "friend" out of her life.

Has counseling been suggested before? Sorry... I do wish you the best of luck with these outsiders casting aspersions on your fidelity. :(
Need to get her to put you first somehow, but with the gender division that happens in TSCC, the women don't always see their husband as a partner, but more like the alien from another race that they have picked to ally with, and they often put other women friends higher on their scale of true allies than their own husbands.

Posts like this make me sad. These silly tbm women don't know a good man when they have one. It doesn't matter whether you belong to the church or not. You are loyal and loving and that's all that matters. Even I can see that. And I'm a chick.

;o)

I never once said I was the best husband in the world. And I know she hates that I am no longer TBM. But so many times she tells me how I am so much better then all her friends husbands. And now I help out and do so much. So it really sucks when she then turns around and say this crap. Thus my frustration and rants.

I'd say, "Do you want to know why I'm pissed off? Because you married one of the good ones and you don't even know it. I have never cheated on you, nor do I have a mind to do so. And instead of being appreciated for being a good guy, I have to put up with all of these constant accusations.

It seems to me that you're the one who is protesting far too much. Exactly what do you have to hide, huh?

You keep accusing me, lady? Well right back at ya babe."

It definitely is put in their heads by the church..... my sister used to get crazy pissed at her hubby because she would have dreams of him cheating on her! For DREAMS!

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1352341

Maybe she did it in light of reading your post.

*shrugs*

moose Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1352341
>
> Maybe she did it in light of reading your post.
>
> *shrugs*

NOPE. Not so. I didn't read his post.

Yes, I do think these accusations are about the wife and definitely not the husband.

But why do women do that? I think you will find that it has something to do with their insecurities, too insure to be married, extreme jealousy, or often cheating themselves. Apparently,in this case, there has been emotional on line cheating by her in the past.

She started out with a fear and then found ways to make it her conclusion.

Sometimes a woman will continually accuse her significant other of cheating because they don't want to be in the relationship anymore. This is often a deal breaker before marriage.

Lots of web sites on the subject.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-youre-accused-of-cheating/



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2014 04:12PM by SusieQ#1.

Keep a log of exactly what she says and the date. It will help you keep some objectivity.

Get counseling. This is the kind of thing that needs to be aired in front of someone else.

Unfortunately, like your attorney.

Dang! Are you married to my ex-wife... Sounds JUST like her.

I have to agree with a lot of the other statements made here. Let me say that I was married to a man who acted a lot like your wife, no he was not a member and was a compulsive liar and was addicted to porn etc. I really didn't mind him looking at porn but he was like way addicted stay up all night type thing. But I digress Looking back at when he would accuse me of the same things that your wife is accusing you of I realize now that he was cheating on me at the time. I never cheated on that fool throughout our marriage and glad I didn't but he sure did to me and would always accuse me of things which I didn't do. That being said I would maybe say something to her and stand your ground. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best in the world. Remember you are her husband not her punching bag.

Just a thought... and I may be seeing something that isn't there. But, take a look at Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD. My wife has it and some of the things you suggest make me wonder if your wife has something similar.

There are 9 symptoms, 5 are required for a diagnosis (from http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/):
"- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

- Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

- Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

- Chronic feelings of emptiness

- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

- Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms"

If you think she has this, you do NOT want to be the one to suggest it to her as this would just feed into her feelings that you want to leave her and this is just your latest way of finding an "out"... That being said there is help for you as a spouse, take a look at "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger and Paul T. Mason. They provide tips on how to communicate with people with BPD, but they apply to anyone who has problems with emotional regulation. There are also several groups online for family members of people with BPD.

Again, I don't know if she does have it or if I'm projecting my wife's issues on yours, but the church is kind of a breeding ground for the invalidating, black and white thinking and self identity reducing environment for this disorder.

Either way, I feel for you, it's a crappy situation to be in.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2014 04:34PM by Finally Free!.

I would tell her that she doesn't get to have it both ways. You trust her, and she needs to trust you. I would ask her if she wants to be notified when you are having a beer with the guys or working late. Other than that, tell her that there are to be no accusations, recriminations, or searching of your computer. Tell her to do so will threaten your marriage.

I second the recommendation for couples counseling.

To make a couple, it takes two. My ex-DW would not go to counselling. Period. Her statement to the therapist when asked to attend the next session was, "He's the one with the problems."

Ultimately, divorce solved my immediate problems. Others were created subsequent! I do have to say, though, that I am in a much better place than I would have been had the marriage persisted!

Yes, phrasing intentional.

This sounds word for word like my husband! Constantly accusing me of cheating or hiding/secrets or lying. If I leave work 10 minutes late I won't hear the end of it. If I tell him Im hanging with my cousin but don't tell him we out to lunch he flips (after finding out by checking my texts). When I drink he hates it and gets angry. If I drink, always at our home, and don't mention it, let's say it is not good. There is NO WINNING! What really sucks is I am so chill and I never questioned him although a better word for what he does is interrogate. I don't ask for much of anything at all from him and he is unrelaible but if I don't meet every demand after demand of his he says I don't listen or care about him. I can't even defend myself or make valid points without being accoused of arguing. My brain has gone to mush. Most nights I just let him rant while I listen and then go to sleep. We've been married for less than a year and I am considering divore. I just want to freakin cuddle with my husband and feel like he loves me. It's hell. I feel your pain.

It doesn't sound like much of a life, Unoriginal. Make sure that you don't get pregnant while you are sorting things out.

Your only this far [¦] from being beaten up

Control freak

And of course he is only like that because you make him, force him, leave him no choice etc,

Wow - everyone pretty much covered the things that occurred to me so I'll just give them in a nutshell:

- You see the world, not as it is, but as you are. I'd be worried about her cheating on you since she's so focused on cheating. Maybe she hasn't done or even imagined anything yet but she seems to view it as an option.

- You already cheated on the church by leaving it and some Mormons self-esteem is so wound up in the church they can't differentiate between themselves and the church so that may be why she thinks the next logical step is you cheating on/leaving her.

- She needs counselling, IMO. Because that level of paranoia, accusation, suspicion is neither normal or healthy. I also have to say that the above poster who mentioned BPD is on to something. Maybe you should read up on it (google it) and see if it fits your wife. It's extremely hard to treat but it can be managed if you could convince your wife she has a problem and she wants to deal with it. That would be the harder part though.

- Sorry for what you are going through. It's so unfair. It's much more about her than you, though since you are the one who is dealing with it, that's probably small comfort. Hang in there.

Use incognito

What do you expect? It's a cult

that you are posting on this board? Just kidding!

She does have some serious issues.

You two need to get some marriage counseling
outside the mormon church....ASAP

I feel bad for you though. I hope things will get better!

Good luck!

extensively, I learned that I couldn't control him. I had to let go of trying to control him and it sure helped me out a lot. When I first found out he is gay, even the bishop had me checking up on him 24/7. It about drove me nuts. I learned before I even married him to not check up on him. It becomes an addiction in and of itself--to check up on someone. "Be careful what you wish for."

And how dare she? After she has been having emotional affairs with old boyfriends? I actually have an old friend who has done that to her husband--met old boyfriends on fb and she is on probation because her husband turned her in to the bishop. Part of her probation was that she had to get off fb.

I get so weary of hearing about these stupid women. I did lose my marriage. And I did get cheated on. I've said it before, I would have stayed with my cheating gay husband for the rest of my life because the alternative was much worse than staying. Sure, my life is pretty good now, but I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy.

Many who fear being cheated on generally have a disconnect within themselves, while many others are acting out on the disconnect within their relationship.

Do know it has little or nothing to do with you:)

Sorry Wanderinggeek.

She sounds like the top nut on the fruitcake. In the first place, she needs to get over herself self-righteous self thinking she is superior because of being TBM. Secondly, she needs to totally sever it with the ex boyfriend. Like many who have responded here, I think she may be projecting her wanting to cheat thoughts on you.

As I was reading this I couldn't help but wonder if I wrote this. Seriously, my situation is 100% identical to yours!!! I feel your pain and you are not alone. My recommendation, see a marriage counsellor. Ask her to do individual therapy sessions, you do the same. The church had been wiring her incorrectly for years. I guarantee you that you don't have the skill set to convince her to change. She needs a professional. This type of stuff leads to divorce. I know if us harsh, bug it is the truth!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2014 12:50AM by dodgeawrench.