I'm having a Facebook moment. One of my best friends just became a grandma and for some reason, it just reminded me that the last 18 years of my life are almost a blur of just trying to survive. Trying to be the perfect Molly Mormon mom of small children with husband in school and time consuming callings. Never having any money between college and tithing and DH wanting me to be a SAHM as much as possible. Trying to fit in to a group of Mormon women who I mostly wouldn't have chosen as friends and a set of in-laws who were so backwoods Mormony they may has well have been from a foreign country for all we understood each other. Feeling frustrated and misunderstood and to top it all, dealing with a husband with undiagnosed ADD. Someone who has a problem with personal space and boundaries and who took years to learn life wasn't either his way or it was stupid.

The ADD was diagnosed and just as things were getting better, there was a personal situation which I can honestly say brought me to my knees and not in a praying way but in a sadness way. But that cleared the slate for me to learn the truth about Mormonism and LISTEN. Then it was a couple of years of questions, anger, friends betrayals, not knowing what to do next. Finally, just in the last year, my life, while not exactly what it would be if I could have a completely clean slate is at least close enough that I recognize my pre-marriage self again. Even better, I recognize my REAL self again.

Looking at other peoples' Facebook pages, I sometimes feel like I'm waking up from a very, very long illness that cheated me out of a normal, happy life. Realistically, I know that most of these people had problems of their own I can't imagine. But they look like they spent the last two decades alive, whereas I feel like I spent them as an invalid. And the weird thing is, looking at it from the outside I'd probably say my pictures and postings don't look one bit different than any of theirs. It just feels different. And I'm pretty sure I have Mormonism to thank for it because once the Mormonism was removed, things finally began to get better.

OK, pity party over - I return you to your regularly scheduled Recovery Channel. :)

The Facebook posts that I read tend to be mostly positive. I think FB has a way of masking certain troubles. So I wouldn't judge your life by comparing it to "snapshots" that someone else has chosen to share about his or her own life.

It's a truism in psychology that "everyone has holes in their socks." Everyone has troubles, doubts, and fears. But like the holes in their socks, we don't always see those troubles.

I've struggled for a lot of my life both financially and career-wise. Still do in some ways. Plus I never married nor had a family. That's a recipe for not getting a lot of positive feedback from society. Yet I have most often been happy because I made the decision to take it where I could find it.

Getting older helps. Hitting my 50s was the best thing ever in terms of my peace of mind. The happiest people that I know of right now are the newly retired. They love putting the rat race aside and finally having some time for themselves.

When I was a young woman I read many of the books written by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale ("The Power of Positive Thinking" and others.) Dr. Peale was a minister, so his books have a lot of Christianity infused into them. But I found his writings (and the writings of others like him) invaluable in terms of rewiring my mind to be more happy and optimistic. You might consider seeking out such literature.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2013 08:28AM by summer.

Especially lately things seem like they are worst-case scenario all the time. That being said, I chose this life. I left the one I had behind because it wasn't honest. It wasn't real. I chose my wife, my kids, my house, career, pets, all of it. I have suffered, succeeded, celebrated and I still have a long way to go. Stick to it. You're not living a canned life anymore. I hope things go your way.

I wish I could meet you in person and give you the biggest hug ever -- and I'm pretty sure you'd give me one right back.

"at least close enough that I recognize my pre-marriage self again. Even better, I recognize my REAL self again."

I always just loved that "If you lose yourself, you'll find yourself." No--I just lost myself. I did lose myself in "saving" someone gay, in having twins, being left to raise my kids basically alone (though he is very involved with them now). My boyfriend is moving in this week--the one I should have married at age 20.

I did see my mother lose herself. Look around. Many of the mormon women I know have lost themselves--a lot of the men, too. I can't leave them out. I've seen too much damage--as in my ex.

And fb, to me, is just a daily Christmas brag fest.